To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

[Boppingbooper]

Also your boys are older enough to be told about how concerned you are about what their father is teaching them and how wrong it is. Your eldest dc is definitely old enough to have a real and serious conversation with, without being nasty and your ex, you can be honest with him about what is going on and how your ex is behaving is not OK.

[RainMinusBow]

@Boppingbooper I've shouted and shouted time and time again to many different agencies but they can't help me as it's everything except physical.

When I first left five years ago I submitted a nine pg doc to Cafcass detailing the decade of abuse but it was his word against mine. They didn't believe me when I said he took my purse away so I just had water drink from the tap, that I spent six months sleeping on the floor, that he used to lock me out of the house and then stalk me after I'd left him.

Nobody can help and I can't help thinking it would be easier if I hadn't got pregnant as this has caused an escalation in abuse yet again which is having such a terrible effect once more on me and the people I love.

[RainMinusBow]

I guess I feel guilty because we're not wealthy but I'm pregnant. Baby won't have a room of his/her own etc.

[JKScot4]

I’m sorry but your DS12 is old enough to know right from wrong and his behaviour is vile, if he’s so keen on his dad Id be sending him there either that or you really need to come down hard on him, your own son is threatening to kill your baby and assault you, can you imagine a friend was telling you this?
Maybe it’s time to get the police to speak to your son the next time he threatens you.

[SylvanianFrenemies]

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Suggest family therapy (you, your kids and your fiance), and individual therapy for your kifs.
They are victims of abuse, and now your twisted ex is turning you against your innocent children by manipulating their behaviour. You really need specialist professional help with this.

I've had a termination at 18 weeks, due to severe abnormalities. It's no picnic giving birth to your dead baby, and I suggest this isn't the solution.

[Drabarni]

OP, another suggestion, book a longer appointment with your gp and show them this thread. You health and your babies is important and they will do everything they can to help.
Please don't let him win, you have come too far.

[NC4this123]

@RainMinusBow this is so sad to read. First of all money is genuinely nothing!!! What is money if your unhappy? And children having a stable loving peaceful home is worth so much more! Whilst my situation isn’t as bad as yours I have been there with court etc.. and the controlling behaviour and again can see so many traits of my ex in my dd it’s really hard but remind myself constantly she is just a child it’s not her fault. One thing I know for sure is one day they WILL see them for who they really are and people like this can’t help themselves, once he can’t get to you through the kids he’ll turn to the kids themselves and as they get older they’ll see it! For now though be strong! Document absolutely everything! I do recommend social services and have had to call them myself in the past they can be quite helpful. You need to go grey rock from now on. Do not engage! Don’t reply unless you absolutely have to and keep it so simple and to the point and only about the kids. Do what I do and pretend he doesn’t even exist. You have a new life now and he ISNT part of it. Please keep your baby and give him/her a loving family :)

[BecauseReasons]

Could you go and see your MP because you feel that agencies in your area are not taking abuse from ex partners seriously? In Derbyshire a woman and her partner were murdered on New Year's Day by her ex- she'd previously reported him to the police but they'd done nothing. I'd tell them your concerns and say something needs to be done about it. If you've got a good MP they can do quite a bit. They may not be able to help in your specific case, I don't know, but if they can shine a light on this issue it can only be a positive.

[ClaraMumsnet]

OP, we hope you don't mind but we're going to move this to Relationships as you'll get more great support there.

[Noshowlomo]

Oh my god my heart is breaking.
Your ex is a narcissist loser and hates this baby as it’s something he can’t control so he is using other ways to make the baby a pawn in his shitty and abusive mind games.
Like others have said - document EVERYTHING. Every single thing.
The only way to break a narc is to take away their power... it’s gonna be tough but you need to become like stone around him. When he says something horrible just “I’m not discussing that with you, is there anything related to the boys you want to talk about? If not I’m ending this conversation”.
He wants total power and control over you. He is a terrible father saying those things to your boys- again, document it all.
You need to make it clear that you love your boys and the baby equally. Tell them that everything the baby is having that they had when they were young, in fact that had more as their dad earned so much.
Drip feed little things to the boys.. like when couples split it’s the
Mother who normally stays in the house so that the children are in their comfortable home but your dad wouldn’t have that for some reason. Play the f*cker at his own game.
You need to make sure your son knows his remarks are NOT acceptable, tell him your hurt and disgusted he could say such things and you’ve done nothing but love him and imagine how he’d felt knowing someone said that to you when you were pregnant with him.
I think you’ve had some amazing advice on here but obviously being in the situation, pregnant and stressed it isn’t going to be black and white but this man wants to control you more than anything... you need to make sure he knows he’s not!!! Your life now is NONE of his business as long as his children are loved, clothed and fed. Refuse any contact and if you do speak to him play him at his own game, turn everything into a question aimed back at him. “Oh you think I’m going to be a bad mother, but you had two children with me? Why did you have two children with me?”.
“If I buy baby new things, the boys won’t do without. Did you give oldest boy less when youngest boy was born?” Just turn it all around on him.
Ooooof I’m so angry for you!!!! Good luck.
Remember you’ve birthed two boys and you’re gonna have another baby and that’s pretty fucking warrior of you!!! You’ve got this!!

[Drabarni]

Thanks Clara.

Bump

[MiniMum97]

It's appalling that this is not being taken seriously. Go to your MP and consider making a complaint to the police highlighting the recent New Years' Murder case. Why is nothing done and this sort of abuse allowed to continue?

[scrivette]

Can you try and refer yourself to Social Services/Early Help at your local council?

What are your Childrens behaviours like at school? Maybe you could mention the threats from your eldest to the Safeguarding lead at the school and she can refer him/you for help.

[user1471453601]

If he told you to kill yourself, would you?

That's what he is telling you to do.

Tell him to go to hell

[Boppingbooper]

Even if they you give up trying to get someone to deal with the abuse he give you that doesn't mean you can't get someone to help with the dc. Call social services. Not about the way he treats you but because he is emotionally abusing the boys. Telling dc to try and the kill the baby is so shocking and so abusive. Have you called social services recently to tell them what's going on and ask for their help? Seriously op you need to do something.

What happens if he tells one of the boys to kill someone else or the baby when it's born and they actually try or succeed? They need you as their mother to protect them from him.

[strawberry2017]

Keep documenting, keep reporting,
Keep the messages, tape calls without your kids knowing. Set up cctv.
Eventually you will have the evidence you need.

[powow]

Do not give up this baby! This is your chance to have someone in your life that isn’t related to him. There has to be some way to get him out of yours and your kids lives. How is he texting you? From now on everything has to be through email. Can you get somebody else to do the emailing or do the drop offs and pick ups. You need to go zero contact. He shouldn’t have any way to get to you. You don’t have to read the stuff he sends you. Keep pushing. What about the SENCOs at your kids schools? You need a solicitor! Look at the website rights for women. You need free legal advice.

[powow]

Call social services and tell them he’s telling your boys to kill the baby! Coercive control is now against the law!

[powow]

Doesn’t anybody on here know somebody in the legal profession who can help this lady??

[Royallyscrewed]

Your ex sounds like a psychopath and he should be kept away from your children until a proper assessment of his and their mental health has been carried out. Have you tried going through school or gp/ maternity teams? School will have a safeguarding policy and you can speak with them re your sons worrying behaviour in case it starts to carry over to school as well. Sometimes ss or cafcass take gp/ school recommendations more seriously than a parents so definitely get them involved ASAP.

I also hope your ex has a fucking miserable rest of his life, and is exposed publicly as the complete gob shite he is.

[PopcornAndWine]

This thread has sent chills down my spine. OP please, please keep your baby. Looks like you've had excellent advice on here. Really hoping you can find a way to break this monster's control over you.

[Royallyscrewed]

I don’t think I have ever read a post on here that’s made me feel so angry and so heartbroken for the op. I pray you can keep your baby and get ex out of the picture for good. If you need help hiding his body I’m sure you won’t be short of volunteers from here!

[BlouseAndSkirt]

“I've asked my son if this is what he wants but he says no. ”

This is your cue.

Get a hold of these boys.

Tell your Ds calmly but firmly that you love him totally and you don’t want him to live with his Dad. However even when relationships between mums and dads beak down, relationships between parents and children stay strong. And as he does want to live with you as well as his Dad he needs to behave with respect.

Tell him that you would love him to be a hero if a big brother to the coming baby. That the baby will grow up to love him.

Tell him it is not his business to take photos of your property and stand them to his Dad. Ask him how he would like it.

Deal with him firmly when he steps out of line. Out of love for him, not dislike.

Tell him you will not make him a pawn between you and his Dad, but you do not believe that he genuinely wants to be in that position as a result if his Dad. Tell him it is not acceptable to pass on insults about you and aggression to a baby when he is part of your family.

I know this is hard, hard, hard.

But your Ds is not daft. He knew who was in the wrong when his Dad turned up in the garden.

[BlouseAndSkirt]

Also, can you tell your midwife that this is happening? And that it is so bad it has made you think of abortion? Ask if she can refer you to social services, who should be able to put other things in action, like the pursuit of the ‘alienation if children’ thing.

[RainMinusBow]

Thanks so much all, it's been amazing to find that there are so many people out there who care.

Part of my job as it happens is a support role for the SENCO at the school I work at so I might bend her ear? She's excellent but the only thing I'm worried about is bringing my situation at home into work with me if that makes sense? I'm very much respected which is brilliant and I would hate for that to change.

Also, when I first left ex he made a whole load of false allegations against me - as I was teaching at the time so of course these had to be investigated (which was hell). Of course they were all found to be totally unsubstantiated. He told me before I left "You will lose your kids and your job if you dare leave me, bitch."

My grandad (when he was dying) actually offered tongue-in-cheek to bump him off! He knew some of what he had done to me.

All I want is to be left alone with my fab family and to be happy about our much-wanted baby. I don't want to feel constantly threatened and scared for our safety.

He will never go away, only get worse when baby is here.

I am scared as, like some of you have said, there was the tragic case recently of a lady and her partner killed by the ex. My ex has so much rage and jealousy still five years on.