To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Absolutely report it and get cameras to record for the future

Look into a non molestation order which you can arrange privately and police can help without physical abuse, i can pick out harassment, malicious communication and its considered a domestic because you have previously been in a relationship, so police CAN deal with it.

So pleased that you called the police. It does sound like he is escalating the level of abuse so definitely report again. Is he also in breech of the court order.

It sounds like your son sees him for what he is. Are you in touch with a local DV organisation. Some of them do count for children who have been affected by domestic abuse.

You did so well to repot. Stay strong.

As PP said, it's good that your eldest stood up for you and was lovely and calm. Sounds like he saw his dad's true colours. I think continue to take the high road because the older the kids get the more clearly they will see behaviour like his as unacceptable, particularly if they've seen you two be nothing but civil and well-mannered. What his dad tells him will not replace what he sees with his own eyes.

Thanks all. It's really shaken me up him banging on our back door like that and then going mad at fiancé.

I keep having to check the doors are locked and I'm scared as fiancé is back at work tomorrow so I'm in on my own (teacher). I just feel frightened in case he comes over. Feel esp vulnerable being pregnant and I know how furious he is about that.

My anxiety is creeping back in from the days he used to follow me around in his car when I collected the boys from school.

At my old house he tried to take my car from the drive and dropped off the pet hamster on my doorstep so I know he's got form.

Other really creepy things he's done in the past are put are loveheart sweet on my car door ("You're Mine") and taken out a library book in my name called "Revenge is Sweet".

He's seriously twisted but as abuse not physical there's apparently not much that can be done.

The coercive control laws still apply if you are not together especially if you have children.

I’m sure you could get a restraining order for that. I was told to apply for one for less.

The things he has done to you sound horrible and creepy.

Hi all

Just an update...

Police came around again tonight after I reported the verbal abuse and incident that took place a few days' ago.

Long story short they can't really do anything as it's a "non-crime", but they did log it and have told me to call 999 if his behaviour escalates to a point where he's smashing windows etc.

So basically I feel that once again, unless abuse is physical, nothing is really done about it. Until it becomes a major incident that is.

I'm not sleeping, my jaw is permanently aching as I'm constantly teeth clenching, I feel scared any time I'm on my own in the house. I try to go out as much as possible as I don't feel safe in my own home.

Fiancé has fitted another bolt on the garden gate which has helped a ltitle but still feeling very anxious. Probably made worse by the fact I'm pregnant because I keep thinking what if ex tries to harm me or the baby? My brain is telling me not to bond with him/her too much in case the worse should happen to either one of us or both

Have you spoken to domestic violence officer at police dept??

It is not right that he is causing you to think and feel the way you do.

I was advised to stop contact at any point where my baby and I were being messed around. This was to trigger his need to take me back to court, which I then didn't have to pay for (I had legal aid the first time but only just, because they changed eligibility) and the second time I paid for very minimal input but effectively represented myself.

This isn't always the right course of action and in your situation I really wouldn't want to throw this kind of ammunition into the mix without knowing exactly what to expect, via at least a free consultation with a solicitor.

It's dire that women's aid and the police haven't actually helped. I know they're stretched but this is so serious. FYI re bruises, I don't tend to swell or get discoloration on my face if it's hit. I would not want to be putting myself or my unborn child in a situation where I could potentially be struck or something, and I might not even bruise but could suffer worse and hard to prove injuries or miscarriage.

You deserve your baby and you deserve to have a life free of this man's control and abuse. He is also blatantly coaching your boys on what to say to you.

I know it feels tedious and when you're not being listened to it feels like your problem maybe isn't serious enough but I can assure you it is, and you have to find the strength to keep making noise until something is done to help.

I'm really sorry about your mum being ill too.

I'm so angry for you. Tour ex is psycho & is abusing £ controlling your while manipulating and damaging the minds of young children. This should be criminal

Lovely, of course you want this baby and of you abort it your ex will just tell your children that.
The advice others have given is sound, talk to social services about the children making f threats against your unborn child. Talk about the baby and hug your eldest even though he is vile.

Getting rid of this baby is getting rid of the happiness you deserve and will lose your wonderful fiancé

Thanks all. I've been awake since 3.30 not being able to sleep - work is going to be difficult today 😣

I hope you are ok. That is a really disappointing response from the police. Were they a specialist DV officer? They sound stupid. However at least there is a log of his behaviour.

Can you speak to a solicitor? I have been told on here to contact Rights of Women who are free but I can never get in touch. I do think you could probably get an injunction against him as they are giving out when there is not enough evidence to prosecute.

My heart really does go out to you.

Thanks all. Just a follow-on to show you further the crap I have to continually put up with...

Bit of background first...

My ex-husband earns in excess of £105k pa and lives with an unemployed gf. He lives in a five-bed home with four bathrooms and has four cars on the drive. No maintenance of any description payable as court enforced 50:50 shared care.

We live in a small rented three-bed and both fiancé work full-time on pretty low wages. My boys go without nothing and my grandparents very kindly support us with paying for additional things like brass lessons.

I get this text from him today:

You will need to purchase a complete new set of PE kit as I had to over Xmas due to you losing it during your week. It is not fair me replacing kit you lost and it also means there is a spare for any such scenario again. I am happy to lend my kit if it gets lost again and for this first week back but you need to get a replica set also so is not put in a position of not having any kit again as happened the last week of last term. Thanks.

Just for the record, my son lost his PE kit at school and I had originally purchased it all!!

Have you got receipts op?

@56Whynosnowyet Yes but he comes out with things like he purchased a top of the range iPhone for my son and I didn't contribute, he buys tickets for boxes and food at Premiership football matches etc... Then I get abused and told it's "Not good enough when I take kids to Hungry Horse or shop at Aldi.

He's also making my son take photos of everything we are buying for the new baby eg. crib blankets and send them to him and then telling him they are going to have to go without because of it.

More texts today:

I am sure you have bought plenty of things for the baby and will keep feeding that shopping addiction, again counselling might come in handy as you can't afford it any more...

If you call being with a desperate loser loved then you are even more deluded than I thought. You have never loved anyone other than yourself and are totally selfish. Glad you found someone at your desperate level to make you happy I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about the shotgun marriage!

See a solicitor ASAP.
He is abusing all of you.
Get a different solicitor if yours isn't getting anywhere.

I don't have any spare money, @whynosnowyet

I feel guilty for buying basics for the baby now and my eldest is angry at me for it because his dad has told him any money spent on the baby won't go on him.

Both OH and I really want this baby but not if it's going to drive away my existing children even more.

are ss not looking into this? can he put on a programme? caledonian programme is supposed to protect you and your children from men like this.

@LilQueenie police have made two referrals but they've said it won't meet the threshold for involvement as "It's not serious enough."

This is despite my eldest asking questions re how he can kill the baby but I'd still survive.

Because the abuse is not physical nobody cares 😓

I'd do all communication through your dp for a while.
Your ex will be scared shitless if your dp stood up to him. He shouldn't have to, but I'm sure your dp is just as happy about baby as you are and upset by his comments to your kids.
I'd also contact SS and tell them what ex is doing and ask for intervention.
Keep all comments and if nobody will help you, please get a possy to scare him off.

You seriously need to do something to protect your boys! They are going to grow up just like him and be horrible people.
You need to keep calling the police, and report to social services. And if they don't listen you need to keep calling until someone does listen. Not just for your sakes but for your boys sakes. This is not OK or fair on them. I really feel for you op, it's absolutely awful what he's putting you through and I can see how hard it much be to keep fighting but you have to. Your boys deserve to have a good chance at life and he's taking that away by teaching them damaging ways to behave. One day they will be him and treat their future partners and children the same way he treats you and them. I would be seriously seriously concerned if my child asked me how to hurt the baby I was carrying.

I'm amazed that social services won't get involved when they eldest is saying violent aggressive things because his dad has told him to kill the baby. I have a family member who is a foster carer for a child who's father was emotionally damaging them in a similar way and social services were very interested. The mother failed to protect them from the abuse and she has now lost her children because of it.

Kick up a fuss and fight hard for your boys. Arrange meetings with the schools(even if it makes you feel uncomfortable) tell them exactly what is happening and what your ex is saying to the boys. Find out if they have noticed anything about your dc behaviour.

When your dc are older you will be free of your ex but your dc will never be free of the damage his is doing and the type of people he is turning them into.
You had the strength to leave him so now you need to dig deep and re find that strength to keep your boys safe from his damage.

Can you not involve the school, this is disgusting.
You could stop access and when he takes you to court take the evidence.

Why do you feel guilty?? You need to counter every horrible thing your ex says to the dc with positive responses.