To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

[LongLiveThePenis]

It's shit and will always be shit if you cow to him.
As bad as he will make things short term, you can be investigated and found to be the victim of malicious claims. If you don't stand up to him he will carry on, not stop. And he will get worse and worse as he has been doing.
I'm afraid that you need to stop this, now.

[Winterdaysarehere]

Hang in there op. I had a further dc with medical issues. Exh told dc it was because I was evil. Years of abuse via dc.
At 12 +14 the dc went nc...
With him.
They are 16+18 now and life is bliss.
Get a free solicitor appointment. Are you sure you won't get legal aid?
Maybe a gofundme page? Or a women's charity?

[CloudyVanilla]

I don't have any advice but reading your uodate about the email, he does sound absolutely horrid :(

BUT he also knows that it gets to you, which is understandable. But I would just start protecting yourself by realising the limitations of his power over you.

[RainMinusBow]

I submitted a 9 pg doc to Cafcass years ago detailing the horrendous abuse. Nobody took it seriously as my word against his. I still find it hard to talk about but he used to take my cards away so I had no money to buy food, would lock me our of the house if I came home after a certain time, and made me sleep on the floor without a mattress.

He still got the boys half of the time which still kills me and makes me feel like I'm not a "real" mum. I regret leaving a lot of the time because I'm forever paying the price for disobeying him.

He is a total charmer and is extremely convincing. I did have a WPC come out when I first left him but she said she couldn't do anything until I could show her bruises.

I've had counselling which helped for a bit but after years and years of abuse I'm just worn out. I can't go through the whole court system again right now.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

OP, you know if you abort this much wanted pregnancy, he will tell your boys that you ‘killed’ it and will use it as another form of abuse, don’t you? You need to think of the long term. This wee baby to be will belong to you and your fiancé and will be a 1/2 sibling to your sons. He’s threatened by your baby to be, because he knows that he/she will tie your new family together. Don’t let him do this to you. Don’t let him do this to your fiancé and don’t let him do this to your boys.

You’ve put up with his shite for five years. There’s not much longer to go and you will no longer have to deal with him. The boys are getting older and will soon make decisions for themselves. That will either mean turning away from him, or in worse case scenario, siding with him. Keeping or aborting this pregnancy will not change that. Keeping this pregnancy will bond all of you, except that pos, and he can’t control that.

[Namenic]

I wonder if you could ask gp/social services about this? I mean if the kids are aiming or pretending to aim for your tummy that’s quite disturbing. Can the kids have counselling? I hope the kids will see him for what he is as they mature.

[RainMinusBow]

Aw thank you all for your support, it's really kind of you. I went to the sales today in the hope that it would cheer me up a but but it's just made me feel more down.

I got a new moses basket for £20 which I was pretty chuffed with and some little blankets but I dare not bring them in from the car as the boys will go mad at me and I'll get all sorts of crap from the ex saying (as usual) I should be spending my money on the boys etc...

[RainMinusBow]

It's horrible. My eldest asked the other day if there was a way to injure me so that I survived but the baby died. He said he was only joking but I don't find it at all funny. I'm sure such comments have orginated from my ex.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

Honestly OP, I know you’re scared of pushing your boys towards your ex, but you really need to come down hard on the crap that your children are coming out with. No crying, feeling sad, but bloody angry. You need to tell them that their behaviour towards you and their unborn sibling is outrageous and totally unacceptable. Once you know the sex, I would actually tell them, as it will make the baby more ‘real’ to them and you can talk about how she/he is developing.

If you don’t tell them what is acceptable, then they will never learn. It will be frightening for you, but doing nothing will certainly not teach them right from wrong.

[Madwomanuptheroad]

What you need to do is

• keep a log of everything (including the incidents when your sons report back on verbal abuse and try to attack you) also keep all texts.
• self-refer to social services or support for yourself and the children.
• ask GO for referral for therapeutic services for children as clear emotional abuse.
• make complaint to police re coercive control.

This will begin to create a paper trail.
Then contact women's aid for support in applying for an non molestation order.
The information you were given that you need to be able to produce bruises is wrong.
Ou may consider to withhold contact between your sons and him completely until until allegations of emotional abuse have been fully assessed. Get advice for that and only consider that once you have social services involved.
You do need to protect your children in that situation.
Terminating your pregnancy or giving the baby up for adoption will not help - on the contrary it will increase his sense of power and control.
Also the script of making all kinds of allegations against your partner and you is fairly standard. Yes they need to be investigated but it is the basic repertoire of an abuser and part of the script. Social services and court services are aware of it.
It would appear to me like a classic case of coercive control and emotional abuse.

[BobbyBlueCat]

Just because one police officer told you something on one occasion, doesn't mean it's correct in every case.

Yes, bruises help with physical abuse.
But this isn't that. It's a separate offence.

So every single time, you phone police. Every time.
Report him for harassment.
Report him for controlling behaviour.
Both are offences.
And every single time after your first report, you phone or email the police and report it again.
You collect crime / non-crime domestic CAD numbers.
You build up a picture of ongoing behaviours.

You might not want to deal with another investigation if he makes false allegations. But you'll have to. For the sake of your children, who are currently being actively abused. And you log every false allegation with police as well.

It will be worth it.
But you need to play the long game and report Every. Single. Incident.

And enjoy your new baby!

[Winterdaysarehere]

Have you spoken to their school? A good source of support and can give courts a statement of dc's behaviour post df's company for example.
Be honest with them. Totally honest.

[RainMinusBow]

Thanks all. They go to two different schools but the primary one is complicated as I worked there myself for 13 years. I basically had to leave there as he was causing all sorts of issues.

I don't talk about the baby at all in front of them as they are not happy about it - they knew what their dad's reaction would be. He's told them he wants to now take me back to court (again) for more custody now that baby is on the way.

He has a 26 yo gf but he has reassured them that she will definitely never have a baby because "she doesn't like children." I've psychologically damaged them by getting pregnant, apparently.

So the baby is simply not mentioned.

[TheClausSeason]

Go and discuss with the kid's school. It's parental alienation and does affect the wellbeing of your kids, so the school does need to know. If it's a school with good pastoral care, they'll be able to throw their weight behind you which often helps when trying to get agencies to take you seriously. I would advise against aborting at this stage because you want the baby and I think you'd struggle to live with yourself afterwards. See your midwife about pre-natal depression.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I don't talk about the baby at all in front of them as they are not happy about it

But that makes it easier for them to see the baby as none human, a pest to get rid off. Can you start talking about her/him as a sibling to them and perhaps, if your hospital permits take them, one at a time to see the scans. You need to try to get them seeing this as a real child. They may be acting out more because they’re terrified that you don’t care about them as much now and that he will get full custody of them. Can you reassure them that you love them and you’re looking forward to you all being a blended family. If you want to keep this child, then you need to start talking about it in front of them.

Have you talked to your fiancé about the possibility of you having an abortion?

[RainMinusBow]

The thing is, I'm questioning now if it's the right thing to have this baby. He's going to make everybody's life even more difficult if it's born and I don't want that for anybody. I certainly don't want to lose my boys even more because of him/her.

He's told the boys that the baby is not really related to them and to just try and ignore the situation as best as possible.

Because we are in rented and it's a three-bed he's told them they're going to have to share a room again (which they're not) and that unless my eldest lives with him he's bound to fail all of his GCSE's because the baby will be screaming the whole time.

It's also an "illegitimate bastard" as fiancé and I are not yet married.

[Letitbegin]

At 12 years old your child should know it's not appropriate to ask if there is some way to harm the baby and not you? Surly they knew this was wrong?? What did you say to this? I would call social work and get them involved

[RainMinusBow]

My fiancé is desperate to have this baby because he never thought he'd be a daddy. But it's not him having to put up with the threats and abuse or living with the fear of losing children.

[RainMinusBow]

@Letitbegin I told him it was not acceptable to which he always says it is a joke. But it's the sort of thing his dad is saying to him all of the time. He's scared to argue with his dad's beliefs.

[Bluerussian]

Your ex is completely off his head and nasty with it.
Keep a record of everything he says, emails and record phone calls. If ever you see him in person, record the conversation - also what your children say that he has told them to say. That is evidence.

What a horrible time you're having.

[PracticallySpeaking]

I totally sympathize with you. I have an abusive exH who tries to control me through our child and I’m currently pregnant with my now husband’s child.

The only thing you can do to stop him controlling you is to take away his power = your fear of losing your sons. Say “I’m NOT AFRAID of him anymore” and keep repeating it and acting like it until it’s true.

I was so afraid that my exH would ask for custody of our daughter or try to claim I was a bad mother that it was affecting all my action

[Louise91417]

Lift the phone social services and notify them to the damage your ex is doing to your children!!! Speaking negatively about a parent comes under the categorey of unfit parenting and his behaviour is going beyond that. Hes a control freak and to even consider terminating or put your baby up for adoption is allowing him to continue to control you. Make the phone call...line up your ducks and put his ass back in court

[PracticallySpeaking]

...actions. I had to really remind myself that I am a good mother and who cares if he asks for custody - doesn’t mean he will get it. He can call me neglectful all he wants because it’s so ridiculous it’s funny. I just laugh at him now and make sure he knows that I will report anything bad he does to the court or the police (even if they do nothing). You have to become a firm boundaries, no non-sense bad ass woman who will take no shit. Then he’ll be like who the hell is this? This isn’t the same person who’s always been afraid of me. I am now my ex’ worst nightmare and he tries to pick on me and control me less and less.

And you have to let your sons know that the way they are behaving is unacceptable. Talk about the baby with them in a positive way. Otherwise the only person they will get how they’re supposed to act from will be your ex. I know how it’s difficult to be strict on them - I struggled with this with my DD as I thought it would push her towards my ex, but again I have to remind myself that that’s an unfounded fear.

Aborting your baby because you are afraid of your ex’s reaction and his effect on your sons is the ultimate in letting him control you through fear - the more you give in to him the worse he will get.

He sounds like a vile human being. Let him and your sons know who is boss in your family - YOU!

[BobbyBlueCat]

But OP, not mentioning the child to your existing children has played directly in to his hands!
You've reinforced his comments and shown the children the new baby is a dirty little secret unworthy of comment.
You should be doubling your efforts to talk to your children constantly about the baby and what it'll be like when it arrives. Create some excitement and love between them!
They're not 1 years old. They know you are pregnant and what is happening. You might not be mentioning the baby but he sure is so they are only getting the negative at the moment. You need to push the positive to them and show them how wrong your husband is. Right now, you are playing right in to his hands and helping convince your children this baby is a mistake.

Say you DO abort. You think that will fix everything? No chance. He'll just move on to something else. He'll tell the children you murdered a baby. He'll tell them you hate children. He'll tell them they weren't wanted either. It'll just be same shit, different day.

You think when you go to get married to your fiance, it won't start again? He'll be telling them how they will be pushed out etc etc. So will you leave your fiance when that all starts, to try and stop that?

You cannot keep doing this.
Your children are being abused and you must fight hard.
Yes, it'll be nasty to start with. But the more you fight back every single time, phoning police every time, telling police what he is saying to your children, telling police what he is saying to you etc he'll start to know you won't ever let him get away with it.

[TheClausSeason]

I think it's harassment and there are legal steps you can take to stop it:

'Generally speaking harassment is behaviour which causes you distress or alarm.

The Act also says you must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment.

It's the courts that decide if something is harassment under the Act. The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment.

When can you take civil court action about harassment?
If you’ve been the victim of harassment you can take action in the civil courts against the person harassing you.

You need to make your claim within six years of when the harassment happened.

You can still take civil court action even if the person harassing you hasn’t been found guilty of a criminal offence.

What can the court do if you take civil action about harassment?
The court can make an order or injunction that the person harassing you must stop their behaviour. If they don’t stop harassing you after the court has made an injunction against them, it's a criminal offence and they can be prosecuted in the criminal courts.'

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/