To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

[Smelborp]

This is horrendous OP. I would seek the advice of social services and make a complaint about the police response so far. He is harassing you and that should be taken seriously.

[RainMinusBow]

I'm very reluctant to get SS involved aa ex will go totally nuts and make horrendous allegations against me in pure revenge (just like he did when I left him).

[GinNsnowmen]

Keep reporting op

[heyday]

What a really horrible situation!! How do your boys get on with your new partner? Did you leave your ex for him? Is that why he is feeling justified in being so vile? You do need to sit down with your boys, tell them how much you love them, ask them what They really feel about their new half sibling. Don"t slag their dad off in any way but explain to them that their behaviour is not acceptable. I think your ex has knocked any confidence and fight out of you but somehow you need to stand tall and fight back...your boys and future child need you now, please don't let this horrible man destroy you.

[stilldoesntknowwhatshappening]

You need to discipline your son. It's not fair what his father is doing but he will become a monster like him. His behaviour is abhorrent. I know you're going through hell. But the responsibility to deal with what he says and does is on you as well.

[macaroniandpizza]

Op my heart breaks for you and your sons. Your ex is an evil evil man and sadly your oldest ds has been sucked into his warped way of being :( i wouldnt abort your baby if i were you as it sounds like the baby is wanted and please dont feel guilty for having a life after your ex. You deserve to be happy regardless of that that arsehole thinks of you. Sending you hugs and

[MsPepperPotts]

I fear that the damage has already been do to the eldest DC.
He's had hardwired training in alienation by his father for 5years and this situation will not change by having a sit down chat with him.

I don't think you have much option but to let the eldest DC go and live with his father. There has to be some consequences for his behaviour towards you and the baby.

Goodness knows what will happen when this new baby arrives and your eldest follows through on any more sick instructions from his father.
It's a living nightmare for you.

I think it has gone way beyond the point of asking your eldest DC what he wants. It's clear that he knows the difference between right and wrong but is happy to make threats on behalf of his father to harm you and the baby.

He needs to be referred to Child Psychology/Psychiatry because this type of behaviour is seriously very very bad.

You need to go to your GP and tell him what is going on with your eldest and then ask for a referral to Child Psychiatry/Psychology because this is extreme bad behaviour.

[Mermaidtissues]

Get everything documented, involve the school, health visitor, social worker, log with the police then withhold contact on the basis of him being so unstable that he is a risk to the DC welfare. Let him take you to court

You can’t reject your child because of this monster.

[RainMinusBow]

@heyday No, I didn't meet my fiancé until 3 years after I left my ex-husband. He's mad because he didn't think I'd have the strength to leave him (full well knowing I'd lose literally everything including my home and all of my possessions as well as my kids for half of the time).

I also ruined his image of the "perfect husband with the perfect family and a fully obedient wife".

When I first started dating my now fiancé he tried to suggest to my boys that "he could be a paedophile as any man can" and to "watch out". He tried to get school nursing service involved (with no success after initial enquires). Fiancé works with vulnerable adults and has Enhanced DBS clearance for a start!!

He tells my kids my fiancé has absolutely no right to help support my parenting in any way and has told the schools he does not want my fiancé to attend any parent meetings or events with me (schools have ignored).

Ex has a much younger girlfriend (she's 26, he's 45) of 3 years whom I have never seen or met and I bet he controls her in a similar manner. She doesn't work and I don't think she is allowed out much.

[RainMinusBow]

@MsPepperPotts I've asked eldest and he absolutely doesn't want to live with his dad ft. He gets no attention when he's there (ex constantly working) and isn't allowed to disagree on anything with him.

[Racmactac]

This is horrendous.
Please explain to the boys school what is happening in detail. Get them to have someone for th boys to speak to. Hopefully they will
Make disclosures so that it triggers a referral to children services.

If he is putting all this in texts I think you need to go back
To court ASAP.

[Mermaidtissues]

Can you get a non molestation order?

[Middersweekly]

Your ex’s abuse is appalling! I can’t believe a court allowed him 50/50 access to your children. The things he’s saying about you and your unborn baby are absolutely vile! You and your fiancé shouldn’t even be contemplating giving up your much wanted baby!
Keep documenting every time the abuse occurs in a diary and how this affects the children. Try and get some video proof if you can. Once you have amassed a fair bit of evidence, take everything to the police.
Tell the ex you want absolutely zero contact unless it has to do with the children. Don’t speak to him when he arrives or drops off the children. Give him no reaction whatsoever! Lastly go forward and be happy with your life. You deserve to be happy!

[Siablue]

I think that it would be a good idea to talk to your SENCO at work. My friend’s (who is a teacher) headteacher helped her leave her abusive ex. She is someone you know well and has the professional expertise to help you.

I would also speak to your GP and say you want to get help for your boys. They do need some kind of specialist psychological support. When I left my ex the GP referred me to lots of support.

As a teacher you know that if you mention what your DS said about killing you that they will refer to SS but a referral is more likely to be taken seriously coming from them than a self referral.

[Interestedwoman]

I'm glad that your oldest stood up for you, and that he said he doesn't want to live with his dad. You see, he still has some good in him and there's still hope.

Having a termination or adoption would just be to let him control your life some more. Counselling and possibly medication could help you (if you've already tried meds then go back, there are dozens of things they can try.) I'm not saying you're wrong to feel as you do, it's understandable. These are just things you could use to help you deal with it.

'guess I feel guilty because we're not wealthy but I'm pregnant. Baby won't have a room of his/her own etc.'

You're not poor, though, and three kids isn't a massive amount. You can do it. Maybe start hunting around for a four-bed. x

[Whynosnowyet]

You need to tell your ds he is bullying you and it's not acceptable. Living with his df will be your decision if his behaviour continues.
And mean it. Once he reached an age his df's actions are crystal clear you can rebuild your relationship - I did with 2 of my dc. You are not obliged to accept abuse from your ds you know.

[RainMinusBow]

The kids won't speak out as they're too afraid of their dad to tell the truth. They know better than to go against what he wants.

[RainMinusBow]

@Interestedwoman We can't afford to rent a four-bed sadly. Rent alone for this place is £900 pm and we only earn around £2,400 pm between us. I only get CB for one son as ex claims for the other to stop me getting it (although he should be paying it back as he earns way over £100k pa. No other income. Still waiting to buy some wardrobes lol for myself and fiancé but it's not a priority and managing with hanging rails!!

I've had free counselling (because mum also diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer last year as well as all of this going on) but signed off. Drs don't want to go down the meds route and I'm not keen either.

[Seashells47]

Oh OP this was so sad to read I feel awful for you, please don’t let yourself be so defeated, there is still time to sort your kids behaviour out that he has caused, keep trying with the courts and police, but most of all, find your backbone, don’t let this waste of space rule your life! You’re having a baby, that’s wonderful and you should be enjoying it!

I don’t know if you’ve seen it but there’s a scene in the film called The Lucky One, where the mum stands up to her controlling shitty ex, envision yourself doing that, use it to get your gears going and you go tell that man to fuck off. I know what you’ve been through was hard like you said and you can’t do it again, but nothing came of it last time because he was found to be lying, the same would happen again, and again and again, lies lose their ability to be believable when they are reused and proven wrong, regain control of your life now or you will live to regret it.

[Treesinthewind]

Have you got a local domestic abuse charity you can speak to. I’m appalled at the police response you’ve had, and wonder if they could take it to a higher level (police and crime commissioner?)

[MrsPworkingmummy]

Oh OP, I've read all of your posts and feel sick for you. I'd honestly be tempted to pack up my things and bugger off to another part of the country away from him. Have you shown the police this message thread? Have you spoken to your son's school? What he's saying about killing your baby is really worrying so I'd seek in school support. I'm so angry on your behalf. Your ex sounds absolutely horrendous. X

[Kko1986]

Hi OP
I couldn’t read and run, it’s easier said than done I know but this is your time to take back control.

He has nothing left to hurt you with, your eldest has been poisoned your youngest soon will be and I hate to say it they may hurt the baby when it arrives if they do what their dad tells them
Now here’s where you have to sit up straight and say enough is enough. You have the strength even if you think you don’t you are a mum.
First call social services yeah he will go mad and lie but you have nothing to hide. You have logged things with police. You have to protect your children and if that means social get involved do it.
Your boys are not ruined yet but they will be unless you start fighting back. You are talking about termination rather than anger your ex. He is your ex for a reason, you found the strength to leave him find it again to stop all of this.
Go to your dr make sure this is documented with them, get a referral for cbt.

But fight please.

[RainMinusBow]

I've called many different dv lines, sometimes in the early hours when I've been in total desperation and sobbing so hard I can't breathe. They're good at listening but always just advise me to speak to a solicitor. I haven't got the money sadly.

I've also had CBT but it's still just one thing after another with him and he knows he can get away with it - he has done for about 15 years now.

[stilldoesntknowwhatshappening]

Then you need to sit your son down.
Tell him how disgusted you are in how he has spoken and behaved. Tell him that he is old enough to be criminally responsible and that the abuse he is showing will be used against him if he continues. Tell him if he ever threatens you or anyone of your family again the police will be involved and he will have to move to his fathers.

Tell him how much you love him and want to stay but he is old enough to know right from wrong. Don't protect him from the abuse his father is raining down on your home. He needs to know it's wrong.

One day your son will have a partner and if you don't stand up to him he is just going to abuse them.

[FoamingAtTheUterus]

Record the abuse. Have a phone handy at all times to do it then take the fucker to court.