Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

It will be worth looking into and doesn’t have to be t a and after all this virus stuff you might find things different. Don’t lose hope and give up just keep positive. It will work out it always does

Thanks San. I know I need work/outside interests of some kind. My little one hasn't started school yet and I know me getting some sort of part-time job will be the start of things. I don't know about everyone else but not having much family to turn to, makes it all extremely difficult. I gave up my job because I wanted to be around for the dcs (my mother never was and I was determined to do differently), yes I regret that decision but I wouldn't have been around so much for my dcs. The problem I have is anxiety probably exasperated by being peri-menopausal, I have been prescribed a beta blocker which I find helpful. I am also on the waiting list for some therapy which is another major starting point. I have an idea of one place I might seek p/t work (not highly stimulating just gets me out of the house) but I need to wait really, until little one starts school and I need to try and not let anxiety prevent me from at least applying. My self-esteem has always been really bad but I have worked in the past.

@SodaSodaBanana thankfully it is all written down and all transactions I have made in getting money to him have been recorded and receipts and statements all kept. I doubt he would withhold it but then again he is full of surprises.

With your DP could it be too little too late? He is being nice now, and by the sounds of it that is because he is forced to stay indoors, not drink and be in close proximity to the children. I have recently made a list of why I am leaving my DH, all the red flags and abusive incidences that keep recurring. Every time I let my guard down and he is nasty again I open up the list to add to it and am reminded of all the shit he has put me through. It was actually another thread on relationships where the OP did exactly that, that gave me the idea to do it too. Perhaps it would help you with clarity.

After two more nice days he decided to cause another argument about sex. He made a huge deal a few months back of me "leading him on" when I couldn't follow through with intimacy afterwards, so I stopped. He then complained I wasn't showing interest, so I did and the same thing happened. On top of that every time we argue and he gets nasty I barely want to talk to him, never mind be intimate with him so it takes a day or so of him treating me like a human being to actually feel like I want intimacy. I have all but given up and told him so until he can stop being abusive and controlling towards me. Que him having a tantrum.

I then said to him that it is not unreasonable for me to want him to stop treating me like shit before I show him affection or intimacy. He hasn't spoken to me since. I would be upset, but I have had a nice afternoon without having to watch what I say and tiptoe around him all afternoon.

@StrangeGuitar it is definitely too little too late. I don’t trust him at all and feel like I have three DC instead of two. I have a list too, like you said it adds perspective and if I do have to get solicitors involved there’s a list of issues. I am worrying about him having overnight access due to lies and being a Disney dad. I will have to pick up all the homework, uniform and clothing, drs appts etc and he will still get to be the fun one .

I might have watched too much Judge Judy - do you have it in writing that all the money is loaned, not a gift? He doesn’t sound like he would just roll over and make it easy for you.

And you shouldn’t have to wait for someone to be nice to you. Is there a legal way to force the sale and for you to cut ties?

Just thought I’d see how everyone was - almost 6 months after Christmas and @Idontkowmyname started the thread.

I hope you’re all safe and getting through lockdown.

It’s definately hard getting through lockdown but for me personally I’m strong and I use the time writing lists writing pros and cons to things, investigating what I can by internet and prioritising and that’s the way I’m getting through it x I’m sure others are the same aren’t they? X

Wow! I can’t believe that six months have elapsed since I started the thread. I’m simultaneously reassured and saddened at how the thread has taken off. Saddened that so many people are in such unhappy relationships and yet reassured to know we are not alone and comforted by the companionship each and every poster has shown to others.

I’m still here, have been for 6 years in this situation although not sure if I officially commented much before. I’ve booked a house viewing for next Thursday, time to take action. Feeling for everyone in same boat

It’s July 2020 and I’m still stuck with “DH”, I think I’ve got a clearer idea of how to proceed but as usual everything is governed by finances. I think the timeline for leaving is going to realistically take the next 18 months. I need to sort out work and my health etc first. Also far too many changes for the DC as things stand. They don’t need any more upheaval at the moment. Left DH to wfh yesterday and we all went on a lovely walk together. As usual the DC complain about dad not coming but the eldest passes comment about a weight being lifted off their shoulder with it just me and the dc and not dealing with his shit while out for fresh air.
Obviously didn’t say shit but you get the gist.

How is everyone else doing?

@Idontkowmyname I have similar conversations with my DC. It’s reassuring that you’re doing the right thing, but also so sad that their DF isn’t giving them a proper relationship.

Do you need to wait for your health? You might find without the anxiety of your current living situation you’ll feel better equipped to work on yourself.

I have just put an offer on a small house. Just need to tell him and the DC - which I am procrastinating about. It will have taken me almost a year to get to this point.

Hoping everyone is still hanging on x

I totally agree anxiety will be improved once you make the decision. It may seem like ur replacing one worry to another but there your worries which u can overcome rather than worries u feel u can’t do anything about. Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith and things will work out. My advice is don’t put off til tomorrow when u can do it today. Please keep in touch x

@Stegasaurusmum "I keep doubting myself as we are working really well together just getting on with it... But then I look at him and get this cribgy horrible feeling of ick.. I just can't think of him sexually any more."

I know this post was a while ago, just very much how I feel. Everytime I think maybe we'd be OK and think but even the thought of a kiss makes me feel sick. Its gone past the point where we could ever having a working relationship again. Too much hurt and anger, too many broken promises. So much Ick at the thought of anything sexual. I know I have to find a way to end it, but I'm so scared at the thought of having that conversation and overwhelmed at the thought of everything that would need to happen for a separation and scared of the impact on DC having to cope with his moods and snapping and anger alone.

@SodaSodaBanana yes unfortunately I need to wait as we would be left with almost nothing when we sold as things stand and the place is most definitely not ready to go on the market. I need to try and get some money of my own, I’m overdrawn at the moment and any savings I had have long gone. Even the car is his :-(
It’s a catch 22 regarding my health but things are a little precarious for me at the moment. I’m waiting on some test results at present so will hopefully have a better idea of where things are at once I know the outcome.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me however, the thread how much would your life change if your DP/DH and with the exception of a handful of posts everyone was talking about being devastated as their partner was their best friend, soulmate etc. Is this really the way things should be? I was just under the impression(or perhaps misapprehension) that it was this illusive concept.

DH is working today so it’s just me and the DC and I’m saddened to say that I’m enjoying the time away from him. Lockdown has probably been the final nail in the coffin for our marriage. I no longer look back on our first kiss with fondness, something which happened on an early date is now seen for the sabotage and control it was rather than a “bit of a wind up” and with the exception of wonderful DC I no longer look back on our time together with fondness. How bloody sad.

It’s not wrong to feel relieved when he’s not there. It’s like a relief . Instead of treading on eggshells and scared of saying or doing the wrong thing you can breathe and say and do what you want when you want without feeling any guilt . It is sad how it’s come to this but the whole situation is sad but it is what it is and now it’s time for you both to move on and become happy again and look forward to the future. Keep strong and safe

@San1809 thanks for your kind words, I’m not sure I can actually leave anytime soon. I had made contact with a lawyer last month to get some advice and find out where I stand with a number of issues but I’m still waiting to hear back :-( I’m assuming they are snowed under with lockdown being the final nail in the coffin for many marriages.

@Idontkowmyname I mean this is the kindest way: you need to fight for yourself. You matter. Chase the lawyers, you’re no less important than their other clients, you’ll be paying them so demand service, or go elsewhere.

Get on to the council for housing, shared ownership, anything to give you a safe haven and roof over your and the kids heads.

Check out what benefits you could be entitled to.

Are there any other support groups? Gingerbread, groups for your health etc that you can get support/advice/form-filling etc? Find your IRL support network, there will be the kindness of strangers and we’re here too.

Hi I am training to become a McKenzie friend so if you think I might be able to help just inbox me anytime x

@SodaSodaBanana. I doubt I’d even be eligible for council housing as a current “home owner” . I’ve heard others talk about waiting lists into 10-15 years before.

I think I will follow up on the lawyer but to be honest I’m dreading the expense and I need to find a way to pay for it without raising any suspicion as it’s a huge chunk of cash even for an initial consultation.

A few things have happened over the last week or so in particular which indicates he doesn’t really give a shit, but he’s able to twist and manipulate things coming out smelling of roses when he’s really a cupcake covered in shit(bit of a random analogy). Looks pretty on the outside but rather unpleasant perhaps was where I was headed.

I’m just really pissed off at the moment as it’s one of the DC’s birthday at the end of next month and as they are old enough to understand about early presents I suggested to DH about getting them a bike now as they would get more use out of it now rather than waiting until the day itself, particularly with the school holidays and me needing to keep the dc entertained. The dc is also keen to go out with their friends and they have well and truly outgrown their old one so that’s not even an option. But as he’s decided the DC “have enough” so it’s not happening. There is money available for it he’s just deciding not to spend it on that.

Sorry , just found this thread. I'm on the fence about things in my relationship, not sure I'm ready to go yet. Certainly it's not as bad as some of you are having to live through.
I've left one abusive marriage years ago so know it's not as easy to just leave.

About the bike , could you just buy it with family money ? He'd look awful to moan about it in front of the children.

You could get a lawyer with a fixed price but if it anything to do with domestic violence you can get legal aid. Hope this helps x

@3rdNamechange I typed up a reply but for some weird reason it hasn’t posted. Welcome to the thread, sorry you find yourself needing it.
I wholeheartedly agree that it’s not as simple as some make out to just leave. It might not appear that complex on paper but when you add the needs of DC into the mix it’s not that simple especially when some are of the age to have more say in their primary residence.

@San1809 our families circumstances are somewhat unique and I’m not sure with the limitations of how much time can be spent on a legal aid case that my and the DC’s best interests can be fully addressed. I will ask the lawyer about it though just in case. I think I’ll send a follow up email during the week to book in that appt.

How us everyone else doing, do we have anyone that’s “come over” from the how your life would change without your DH/DP thread in Aibu?

My situation is unique too a different set of circumstances but so many people say it’s unusual but there’s always away round things as I’ve found out and you might be pleasantly surprised to find out ur not unique just one of thousands. Glad your going to make appointment it might help you. It might be a telephone consultation but it’s better than nothing x good luck

@San1809 yes perhaps not all that unique but I will require the lawyer to have a very specific knowledge set within family law or at least contacts who do.

Well if I can help just ask x