Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Danielradcliffesperfectarse my 'D'h is very similar. Add in some scary outbursts of anger this year to the general resentment that he's checked out of doing any parenting on weekdays. He refuses to acknowledge the damage his angry outbursts have done to our relationship and to his relationship with the kids. I can't trust him anymore, if he thinks what he did was OK then it's just going to happen again.

I'm anxious and walking on egg shells around him. Whenever he goes to work or goes out on the weekends I feel my body relax and I can breathe again. He also hasn't said I love you for years and when questioned he says he doesn't know how he feels. Yet he still expects us to have an supportive loving relationship and sex. I just can't. I tried for a while, sex made me feel so horrible, so not doing that anymore.

He thinks his anger is fine and justifiable because I've withdrawn, he won't accept my withdrawal is because of his actions. I'm not allowed to be scared by his anger, he decided it wasn't scary and just dismisses anything I say about how he made me and the kids feel.

I know we have to split up, but I'm really sick right now. Hanging in till the twins start preschool next year 2.5 days a week and I can start to get my chronic condition under control so I can deal with it all.

One DC has anxiety and a medical condition, another has asd. I'm hoping we can do something, I think it's called nesting where DC stay in the family home and parents swap in and out. Having 2 homes isn't affordable were we are and eldest DC school has been fantastic and very supportive and already got supports and learning plans in place for the twins when they start next year. It's the only good school commutable distance from DH work, but it only takes enrolments from in its very tight zone because the school is full. If you move out of zone you have to get permission from the head to remain and its hard to get.

Me too please. I am having counselling on my own to try and sort my head out. DH thinks I am just going through a 'low' time and will snap out of it. Problem is I just don't fancy him anymore, and the thought of spending my twilight years together once the kids move out is a bit scary, but he is good man and they are few and far between ☹️

To the posters in the thread to whom I’ve not responded yet I apologise, it’s been a chaotic day and all the dc are still not asleep: Please tell me it’s not going to be like this until Christmas Day.
Everyone is welcome on the thread so please don’t feel the need to ask if you can join us here. If you are in an unhappy relationship you are most welcome.
The only thing I would ask or advise is if your safety or child’s safety is in jeopardy then please contact Women’s Aid or the police depending upon your situation.

@Sametimenextyear welcome!! Your username poses quite an interesting question. If things are still the same this time next year will I still be unhappy? Or conversely will i now be happy,
Please don’t dwell on having blurred it all out, I did something similar the other night when dh stopped me going out shopping(not physically just demanded I didn’t go using money as an excuse). I didn’t mention separation I “just” called him on his behaviour. If having your family believe it’s just a temporary “time out” to regroup or help DFIL then that’s ok. Do what you need to do to protect your emotional wellbeing during the festive period and use the time to regroup and compose your thoughts and decide the lay of the land moving forward.

@ihavedefinitelygotthis sorry to hear that you have been trapped in an unhappy relationship for so long. Money is such an important factor keeping so many relationships together by a thread. I’ve looked online at rental properties and it’s just so financially prohibitive. I truly hope you can fulfil your dream of owning a house at the other end of the country one day. In the meantime I hope you can find some support/comfort from chatting on here.

It’s so so hard
I did make the plunge this year and we are having a Last Xmas together . See my thread it’s grim

I was so so scared , but finally did it . However I am the one with with the job , money and house . I am not saying that to brag and Xmas is awful . But finally i can

Just plan . I have been planning this for Years and years

Years of saving money , working like a
Dog , researching family law , and then finally freedom programme gave me the courage

Not everyone can split but build up your muscle to get ready as one day .... you will

I just joined mumsnet for this kind of solidarity! It feels such a comfort not to be experiencing the situation alone. Our relationship hasn’t always been difficult but I just can’t seem to cope with it like I used to. I have begged and begged him for counselling but to no avail. I desperately want to leave but I know I could never provide our son with the same lifestyle and I don’t know if I could bear the guilt of that. It’s such an impossible decision. I’m completely lost

I'm weirdly comforted that I'm not the only woman still in a relationship she wants to leave but can't b/c of money.

I thought I was the only one :( And have been beating myself up so much for our mutual inability to run two households.

I mean, I hate for anyone else to be in this situation, because it's awful, but thank you for sharing to those who did, because I feel less alone.

I have to buy 'd'h a present for Christmas today - I feel like it's only polite, seeing as we will both be there together all day - but I don't want to. I want to be free :(

Oh this sounds terrible but nice to know others know what I'm feeling at the mo ! I'm dreading Christmas it just feels so sad but then like someone else said the thought of New Year's Eve fills me with anxiety knowing I'm going to be in bed crying feeling the dread of knowing the ball needs to start rolling to find somewhere to live etc. I'm still in the shocked when I wake up and reality hits mode. Not wanting to eat then eating and it upsetting my stomach and not sleeping with added bouts of crying !!!! Just need a hand hold x

Hand hold from me coffeeisaddictedtome

Sometimes when I can't face eating, I can manage breakfast foods - tea, toast, an egg, cereal.

I desperately want to leave but I know I could never provide our son with the same lifestyle

I think as children get older you start to see that the lifestyle benefits seem less favourable adjacent to the toxicity

But really was made me do it was seeing the EA behaviour to my son . When I saw
Him ignoring them for days on end

I am NOT guilt tripping you , I did my first desperate post on here in 2014 and attended ‘relate’ (shit !) in 2010 . I had
Many people berate me on here for being weak for not leaving . It hurt me a lot and made me feel so guilty

For everyone here I urge you to plan , save , keep diaries and educate Yourself on family Law , your rights , and log every single incident
Every one

When the time comes reading your diaries and the ongoing drip
Drip
Drip
Is immensely useful as one day something will flip

Also being educated and doing something and having a longer term plan is something you can hold onto at the dark moments

Like every single weekend , Xmas , family holiday , birthday .....

Got home with DC today and the bins were in, I panicked thinking H was home early. He wasn't but it just bought home how messed up our relationship is.

Does anyone feel certain and determined one moment, knowing ending things is the only way forward then wracked with guilt and grief the next?

I can't see any way forward except splitting up. I don't trust H at all after the way he's behaved this year. And though it's been months since the last outburst I'm on edge waiting for the next one, listening even when I'm lying in bed too sick to be upright. Listening for rising anger, ready to jump in and defuse things. He won't take any responsibility for his behaviour, he minimises or denys or shifts blame.
Its everyone else's fault, especially mine. He feels he's justified because he's not getting what he wants. I want so badly to trust him again, but I can't and time seems to be making it worse not better. I want to get angry, but I feel sunk in grief. I can't believe we've come to this.

Does anyone feel certain and determined one moment, knowing ending things is the only way forward then wracked with guilt and grief the next

Yes. It's a seesaw.

I've been grieving all year. The grief is paralysing and exhausting. I want to get angry at all shitty things he's done to me and the kids. But all I feel is deep grief that after two decades together our relationship is broken. I miss the person he was, or the person I thought he was. I don't know which ones real, the angry entitled person or the generous caringbperson I Ioved so deeply for so long. Things have been worsening for 4 years, but I still feel shocked that this is being done to me by one of the few people I trusted completely .

It certainly is a see-saw . I hurt so much when he starts talking about all the things he wants to do in the next 12-18 mths and the reality hits that in his head he is all excited about the plans and future that don't involve me. It's hard taking one day at a time , putting one foot in front of the other and there he is all excited . Brakes my heart as I really didn't see any of this coming x feeling like he can't wait till I'm out of the way so he can begin again x sending everyone a hug today xx

Thankyou so much @Idontkowmyname for starting this thread & all you've written. Thankyou to everyone else too. I think the worst bit is feeling like we're all alone. clearly we're not. I'm hoping this time next year I'll be joyful & laughing & this awful pain that's sat in my chest for so long will be gone. 10 years ago I told him I wanted to separate & he got really nasty. He told me I'd never get the kids & if I ever got together with anyone else he'd skin him & make me wear it as a coat.... So I stayed. He tells me I'm beautiful & that he loves me every day. He's ridiculously polite , but its not working. He's not working. In the 21 years we've been together he's probably been employed for 4 & it's completely obliterated my feelings for him. Housework isn't something he does & in every way I've had enough. I'm framing it as a break incase he gets nasty again. I was freaking out about affording everything but realised I'm already doing it by myself. I'm wary of him . He paints lovely pictures for everyone but its not my reality. When he has money he's very generous... He just rarely does. Its stealing from my children & I've " had faith " in him long enough. I want the rest of us to have a life.

And yes ,weirdly I feel guilty too.

I don’t know whether I’m staying or getting out of this relationship. Weirdly, the more withdrawn I am, the harder he tries. Sex is completely off the table though and has been for a while. I snogged someone (just once and stopped right there) a while ago and this made me think I maybe should leave after all.
We’re all ready for Christmas and I’m just feeling empty inside. That’s the only way I can describe it.

Totally stuck on the seesaw of emotions and also fantasising of moving out - I’ve even thought having me and the kids in the same room would be preferable. The idea of not seeing them everyday is heart breaking.

I miss the companionship and what’s annoying me at the moment is that I have an ingrown hair in an intimate place - and I can’t ask him to help me.

Lol oh my God thank you for the 'ingrown hair' that made me nearly spit my coffee out 😂😂 x
Yep EMPTY is a very good description of how I'm feeling x

I feel heartbroken at the idea of not seeing my kids everyday. They're so little and how do I trust him to look after them safely after everything. It feels more like a roller-coaster to me. So high then so low.

SodaSodaBanana I miss the companionship too, I miss the way we used to be. Sorry, like coffeeisaddictedtome that made me laugh. I hate ingrown hairs too, haven't had one in ages. Exfoliating usually helps.

The ingrown hair thing made my evening, thank you.
I miss being able to completely relax near him. I feel that I’m constantly playing some role, when really I want to scream at times. It’s weird. He’s not a bad man, I’d like to think I’m an ok person too, have we just “fallen out of love”? I used to hate this expression, such a cliché.

Can I join please? I've found my people

@coffeeisaddictedtome @Tobreatheagain glad to have lifted the mood a bit with my downstairs despair!

Me! I am desperate to leave but trapped in a loveless relationship. We have 3 very young children and I am basically a single parent already, he does nothing but sit on the sofa and shout at them. Neither of us can afford to live alone so we are stuck like this until the kids are older and I can work more. I am desperately sad for my children that they don’t have the father I thought they would have. So sad for myself that my life hasn’t turned out the way I hoped. Many of my friends are now married, or getting married in the near future and I feel so alone in my unhappiness.