Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

I'm still up. DH went to bed hours ago.
He's promised not to go to the pub tomorrow and help me get the house ready. We'll see what happens.
He's also blamed me for everything wrong with our relationship because we haven't had sex for ages. We haven't it's true, but he calls me names, is mostly pissed by the early evening and barely talking to me. It's not generally conducive to romance, is it?

No you’re absolutely right. They always turn things round and blame you. I know exactly how you feel about the sex thing. It’s getting to a point with me that he makes my skin crawl now.

Mine was the opposite in some ways. Didn’t get it enough (2-3 times a week) and wasn’t adventurous enough for him. I like it simple. Had a lot of medical issues over the years and simple keeps me calm, safe and it doesn’t hurt.
He wants more....after 22 years.
Made me believe I was so fucked up I went to a sex therapist. Didn’t do him any favours when I figured out this with the other demands he was making were not right.

To actually say to your wife our marriage is on the line because of sex still baffles me. Most men would do anything for once a week let alone more!
@Sametimenextyear it sounds like he is manipulating you. You sound like your in observation mode like me. I just watch. Take things in. And am realising he just isn’t what I want any more. I want to be me to start. Then who knows.

I hope your days gets better for you

@Lindy0070 I could have written your last post. :-(
@BookWitch so sorry your Dh is behaving like that. Trying to blame you for everything and also compounding things with his verbal abuse. There’s no excuse for that. And yes, spot on regarding his behaviour not conducive to bring intimate

@OEJ1979
Does it sound manipulative ? That's where I get crazy from. So unlike a lot of ladies here he tells me he loves me & I'm beautiful every day. He's not pressing for sex & doesn't have form for it in the past either. Is so polite all the time I don't think I can match him on it .He's generous when he does have money
BUT
We've been together 21 years & he's only been employed for 4 .that's been 7 different jobs for maybe 3-4 months at a time. Always leaving as he has (I believe) an
imagined physical ailment...or someone there has done/said something to upset him & they are a dickhead.
Cooks dinner maybe 3 times a week.
But other than that does absolutely NO house work. he is always about to do any dishes when I'm pissed of & 9/10ths finished it anyway.
I bring him a coffee & wake him up in the morning & then I get kids up, make their lunches, iron their uniforms.I drive the D's to a different school as his name is still on the waiting list. Its an hour 20 min drive. He sits on his phone while the other kids organise themselves & says see you later to them ( school is 7 min walk from home).
I can guarantee nothing had been moved when I get back.
He will turn on the PlayStation at 9am & play till 1:30 pm. Then he'll say " well, I'm a bit tired, I think I'll go & have a kip before I go & pick up D's".
This has been my life for the last 20 years. Forget birthdays & Xmas because he doesn't do anything to help. And on a side note, thinks it is amusing when he was younger, was apparently diagnosed a psychopath. This is a good thing apparently because in difficult situations he doesn't think like everyone else.
My voice has been said to be white noise, he constantly interrupts to give his opinion. He does what he wants when he wants. He'll agree to something & conveniently forget. Tell lies to his friends to suggest he was working but be because of my difficult last pregnancy , had to stop. This was very difficult for him & affected his life very negatively.... (He was Never Working). I WAS !!!
Now I'm just rambling ....sorry What do you lovely wise mums netters think. Oh & he doesn't see why I have a problem with him borrowing money from our 15 yr old ds ffs , I just read that back to myself. Ladies please slap me.

Omg @Sametimenextyear !!!!!! That sounds absolutely horrendous ♥️♥️

@Sametimenextyear
It REALLY IS. please google coercive control and gas lighting.
Coercive control is now a criminal offence.
It has taken me a very long time to understand this is what I’ve been living through potentially for 22 years. I try not to think of that and just picture the last 18 months.
You should not ever be treated this way. I’ve sadly only just realised marriage is a partnership. He should be doing half the sch runs (mine only is because he needs to prove he can be a 50%carer of the kids). At least yours cooks. Mine can’t even boil an egg and has never used a washing machine in his life.
I’m his replacement mum.
You are equal and should be treated so.
Also think of your kids when their older. Do you want them to behave the same way? This is what they are learning is normal. It’s not. They will learn more from you standing up and saying no more than anything else.

My sister sent me to this thread.
Recently separated from a controlling relationship...what I can now do.
Have a read. Think of all the things you and the kids could do.
Put it on there. Imagine. I found it very therapeutic last night.

I hate thinking of all of us having a crappy Christmas Because of a man. we are all people in our own right that deserve to be happy loved and respected.
Please believe me when I say it’s him not you. It has taken me a while but now know it’s the case.

Xmas Eve here.

Spent the evening with a good friend and her kids. I dont even know why 'd'h is coming with us to Xmas tomorrow - he doesn't like my family, he doesn't engage - I suppose he just doesn't want to be home on his own.

He's in a bit of a mood because I was out. It's so tiring. I just want to go to sleep, wake up and get the day over and done with.

I‘m in such a totally shit mood today... hardly made it out of bed and we have the family here...

After promising yesterday he wouldn't he has gone to the pub. Me and the DDs are at home doing some baking and getting the house ready. Doubt he'll be home much before 4pm.

Determined to have a nice day regardless of his lordship

@BookWitch I’m sure you must be feeling deflated. Hope you enjoy time alone with DDs.

Yes just deflated really. I just not expect anything from him anymore, he just does what he likes and I accept that now. I KNOW he doesn't keep promises, I just get on with it.

I read the relationships board a lot, and know I'm not badly off REALLY. He's not violent, or controlling, I have access to money, I have friends and family. He's just someone who is utterly unreliable emotionally. I am emotionally single and have been for years. I'm good at it now.

Have a lovely day with your children 💕🎄

Struggled to get out of bed today too x I use to love Christmas Eve ! I'm sat here needing a shower and wanting to get ready but also just want to hibernate x sending everyone big hugs xx

I know its so wrong. Do you know today I genuinely had to stop myself from using his toothbrush to clean the toilet . I have never even thought such a thing before. My rational mind was all that stopped me from doing it, because if he's sick he can't move his crap out. Merry Christmas everyone!

....actually, I still might do it ...just not yet.

@Sametimenextyear I got DD to clean the bathrooms or I might have done that!

😂😂😂😂😂@BookWitch and @Sametimenextyear I've had those thoughts myself 😂😂😂😂

yeah it's bad isn't it. I really do feel better now though !! I had such a crappy morning Its not funny but it is...I was driving back from the shops sobbing, because not only is my marriage shit but they had sold out of eggnog. So honestly, that thought just cheered me right up.
He told me he's thinking he might start moving stuff on the 27 th instead of the 30th . I hope so. Every day feels like an eternity.
BUT.... I've decided to find joy in the small things.....like his toothbrush

🤣🤣🤣

Mine is back from the pub and promising not to go to the pub tomorrow. He's like a broken fucking record.

On the plus side dd has made a cranberry cheesecake that looks amazing!

Mine is back from the pub and promising not to go to the pub tomorrow. He's like a broken fucking record

Mine went to the pub too...yesterday and the night before. He thinks I'm an idiot and can't tell, cos #breathmints. He's sneaking cigarettes too. This is a man who nearly died earlier in the year after a massive infection got out of hand, and who went through detox in the ICU. Also the man I told couldn't come home if he was still going to drink and smoke.

Oh, joyful times.

Hi all, @Sametimenextyear speaking for myself I can say yes we are still reading and still rooting for everyone. H came back at midday today, after me being in the family home past three weeks as he couldn't do his week in the flat. Too many outings in the pub booked in. And I think I am going to have him here until morning of the 27th when I drive to Belgium with my youngest two. Cie music to the great rscape...
Has been a long Christmas Eve. But I got through it. Will not be the same next year. Promise to self. For all those who are a few weeks or months from that leap...trust yourself. Listen to that inner voice. Not the one that decodes and comments on the physical world and is found in your head. The one that comes from deeper down. That pit of the stomach one. It will be ok. We will get through it. Stay tough everyone. Happy Xmas!!

Still here too. Christmas is tough. Sitting around a table with extended family and DH. I could feel myself slipping into the easy familiarity of all the shared history. Ive been with DH my entire adult life. And then an add with a heart saying keep me safe and I felt like sobbing because I can't trust him and he doesn't love me and it's broken now. It was such a sad day, I can't be here next year, I can't do this again.

Yet I can't believe we're here after everything. I can't believe how horrible he's been this year. I don't want to not see my kids everyday. I can't see any way forward except to split up, I don't even want to be near him anymore even though I still love him. He has hurt me so badly I can't bear to be around him. But I still can't believe we've come to this.