Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

I'm sad that this is the thread I feel most at home on! Again, money issues which will make it hard to leave. We've got one DS and I'm just sick of being made to feel like I'm stupid and shit about myself.

I'm never going to get what I need from this relationship yet I'm still sat here trying.

He wonders why I don't want to have sex with him!!

I’m so confused. Because I feel like so many of you in some ways but then you describe your partners and I think ‘I should be grateful’. DH is such a good man, but I sometimes/often/currently really strongly feel like I’m locked in a gilded cage that I’ve watched myself build.

Maybe I have more in common with torres10 or ladycontrary I don’t know.

I was having therapy until September 2018 when I stopped because it felt like short of blowing my life up I had no options. So why go? I accepted that I wasn’t going to change anything so I should throw myself into what I have. So I did that, and I tried really hard but that voicing saying ‘how did I end up here?’ ‘Is this what I ever wanted?’ Is still there.

I have two kids and I think that I can’t end things, how could I put them through that? How would I explain to anyone that I was scrapping my perfect life because I can’t be grateful and can’t be content.

He treats me so well but in some ways he’s so far away. He’s fine whether I’m happy, sad, angry, whatever. I suppose he accepts me as I am but it makes me feel like I’m out on my own.

I’m feeling it so much more over the last few days. I know I’m distant and yet he’s just letting me be. But we don’t seek each other out. Last night I did all the wrapping, alone. Shouldn’t we want to do that together? But I didn’t, so why should he.

I dunno if any of that makes sense.

Makes total sense @SantaBringMeClarity, and @coffeeisaddictedtome, your last post could have been written by me... although it’s been going on a good bit longer, and although I’ve long since stopped trying myself. It’s just this long drawn out limbo of nothingness, often pleasant enough as we do get on, but nothing that feels like a relationship of any kind. Most certainly not a marriage, a love relationship. I also feel guilt and sadness, but just don’t want to believe that this is it! There’s got to be so much more to life and love! If things were properly awful, I’d be long gone, but I often wonder if I’m being unreasonable because my life could be so good if I could just be happy. But how can I be when I feel unloved and unliked by the person I’m supposed to share my life with?

Exactly @SoTiredTonight it really is soul destroying. It's so hard and inside I want to cry and beg but I know It won't help and all I will do is make myself feel even more worthless , unattractive and horrible and make him feel good . He's been singing Christmas songs all day and being all happy and it's breaking me inside. Few nights ago my daughter came in to wake me as I was crying loudly in my sleep and woken her. Next morning she was telling him and I overheard and he said to her...'yes she often does that I hear her in the night!' Not once has he ever been in to wake me and then it hit me and I thought how did he even know I was asleep?!? . I couldn't leave anybody crying asleep or awake . X

@SantaBringMeClarity
You make total sense to me.
Anyone that knows me sees the perfect life. Four walls hide a lot.
He is like two people. One that loving and kind and another that puts me down and makes me feel like shit.
Sad thing is the horrible parts stick in your mind more.
I have stuck with counselling. It has help me so much. My main fear is the kids. He will forever blame me and criticise me and my family to them and I’m scared they will believe him. He does now so it will never change.
He will also try to buy them. He also does that now. I just pray they see past that.

someone once said to me kids are often happier from a broken home than living in a home that is broken.
My 13yr old complained it was toxic. It is. And that has to end.
I can’t forget and he won’t carry in without the post nup which I won’t sign. So I don’t have much hope left.
I don’t know how old you are, I’m 40 and I would rather have 40 years more single and happy doing what I want than miserable doing what I’m told.

@coffeeisaddictedtome Yes, I’ve had the being left to cry for years too. I often just feel numb now. It’s probably a shutting off of emotions as a means of self-preservation? And again I’m feeling guilty writing this, as if I’m bitching behind his back when on the outside everything seems to be so perfect.
To be honest, I could leave from a being able to point of view. But I’m so scared of taking that step that I feel quite paralysed at times. And I suspect he is the same. Meanwhile we’re both miserable and undoubtedly resent each other for it. I gave up fighting for the relationship years ago when nothing I ever did seemed to make any difference. And in shutting off my emotions I went kind of numb towards him. Now it seems that there’s nothing left and I can’t quite believe that we got to this stage. I don’t really recognise us anymore.

How can it only be 22 December. I’m well and truly over the whole festive season already. Like a pp I dream of winning the lottery so I can escape this whole mess. I’m starting to think that moving forward we rent a one bed flat so the dc can stay in the house and “dh” and I move between the properties. It’s less disruptive for the dc.

Hi all, i thought after having a day out a couple of days ago that maybe we can work things for the sake of the kids but this evening yet another awful meltdown showing me he will never be able to function like a family man should and I need him out and while initially in the heat of the moment he had agreed to leave in the new year, when I tried to have a calm talk with him he was visibly upset and wanted nothing to do with my suggestions that it will be best for the kids so we shall see if I can keep strong during xmas. My heart is breaking for the kids! I feel so helpless. Not felt like this for a long time

Hi all,
I’d like to join this thread. I’ll add more details as they come to me. It’s a weird feeling bring in a marriage that is so unfulfilling. I don’t describe myself as happy or unhappy; just dead inside is the best way to describe it.
I’ve been married 6 years, it’s my H’s second marriage and I understand totally now why his ex left him!!!
Basically, I’ve married a miserable man. He sees the doom and gloom in everything. I’m not perfect, far from it. But does anyone else feel like their DH sucks the life out of them?
I was a single parent and managed to buy my own house when my DS was a baby. Now I’m married the DH is entitled to half of the house.
I cannot afford to leave but it is emotionally draining. Financially I am also tied.
I have a stressful job and like most DH’s on this thread he helps me very little around the house. Seems to be a common trait. He has been sleeping in the spare room for a number of months now which suits me just fine as I have no interest in having sex with him. I told him the other day that I felt he took me for granted and that sex felt like an extra chore!!!
I think a lot about why I got married and think I was happier being single. It’s sad but a comfort to hear your stories similar to mine.
Like many others I am waiting for my DS to fly the best so I can plan my own exit.

Lindy0070 I know how u feel anap I waited till my sons grown up my partner us not his dad my sons now 18 so sent him to live with his real dad and I'm now returning to live with my mum and having to rehome my gorgeous dog which is going to kill me but shes going to a friend who will love and spoil her and has another dog she will love also so I know she's ok I'm absolutely in pieces and so ready to go I'm trying to stick it out till april as for reasons I'd like to keep his parents are abroad till then and I know he wont cope without there help hes no idea with paperwork Bill's etc I'm sick of been someones carer to a adult Male who hits me and gets shitty and pulls me down all the time struggles to hold down a job and has no idea about life its draining x

Can I join, I started a similar thread earlier, but it would my people are here!
DH is depressed, autistic and self medicates through alcohol. There is not a drop in the house, so me and adult DDs are having a completely dry Xmas, he still goes to the pub and drinks 3-4 pints a day, so it isn't TOO bad on that front. He is bloody grumpy, critical and argumentative though. He is only here until mid-Jan, then goes back working overseas.

He has done NOTHING to help with shopping or preparations, I'm 99% sure he hasn't bought me a present. He will probably start asking at lunchtime on Xmas eve whether we have XYZ. I will not be going out shopping again though.
I have my adult DDs here, and my mum is coming Xmas day, and they all know what he is like, so I am doing no pretending and excuses for him like I used to.

I'll be around over next few days if anyone wants to chat

Thanks for responding. He’s not abusive. He’s insecure if anything and even after 6 years plus still asks, “Do you love me?”

It’s draining honestly. I feel like others have said that he is emotionally stunted.

Says it all.

Yes it does hunny just been to my mums for cake with my son hes 18 today and what should be a happy occasion is instead been turned into me looking like crap and sobbing constantly I'm emotionally drained and dont know how I can carry on tbh

Big hugs

Just joining you all. I'm not in a great place right now, but it's weirdly comforting knowing there are other people in the same position.
I'm just trying to get through Christmas.
I'll keep reading, and try and talk more when I stop wallowing in self pity.

Please feel free to pm me I'm upstairs hiding whilst he watches shit on tv!

All these stories are hurting me. What we must all remember is that we are not alone we have each other here even though we don’t know each other by face and to give hugs we are there in spirit giving the strength we need.
@Cccsss011 you are stronger than you know. Your son I’m sure will appreciate what you have done for him. He has become an adult today and a good one at that. You’ve help him become that person. So please remember you have many years ahead that you can now be in control of that can be filled with happy times. I do hope you can enjoy some of Christmas and remember there are happy times waiting for you.
Big hugs from me.

I'm in a similar situation to many of you. I've posted on here a couple of times. But like some earlier posters I don't know if our relationship is over or whether we are just going through a massive rough patch.

My DH has agreed to counselling in the new year. He knows I am unhappy and he is trying really, really hard. The fact he adores me makes everything feel a million times harder. He is a good man and I am torn by this thought that I'm being ridiculous and want to be/should be satisfied with 'my lot'. I'm worried that leaving him could be a massive mistake.

For me it's the children. I know everyone says not to stay in a marriage because of the children but they honestly would be devoid we weren't together. They don't see any of our issues and are completely shielded from it all. Why can't I just suck it up for the next 15 years to make the kids happy?

If anyone is on the ‘gram arch.hades is worth a follow - her poetry is thoughtful and helping me get through each day

@Macandcheeseplease
15 years is a very long time.
15 years that you can be happy

I am there with the children. That has been my main issue. Especially my son. Daughter can’t stand him but at 13 can’t stand much! Son is different. He worships him. That is because he is like a child and plays all day with him and he does what he is told to. Doesn’t teach anything else.
What worries me staying is that the kids see this as a normal relationship. My girl will grow up thinking she has to do what she is told to keep a man happy or be spoken to in the way he does. Nor do I want my boy to think this is how to treat a women...or anyone.
I don’t know your full situation but it maybe something to think about.

Everyone deserves to be happy. Whatever you decide, like me, make sure you are happy.

@Macandcheeseplease
Forgot to say....I love Mac n Cheese and had it for the first time a few weeks ago. I’ve not been allowed it for years as it’s too fattening.
I sat and ate a huge bowl followed by a twirl bar. Loved every single mouthful!!!!

I agree with the other lady , yes it is strangely comforting not to feel so alone in all of this and that is such a nice feeling at this emotional time ! I use to feel weird as I could never cry in front of ppl and imagine ppl think I'm hard or cold but truth is I just can't. Right now though I'm finding I'm easily falling to pieces x

Hi everyone, it's 9 am Christmas eve here. Feeling weird, sad & a little bit nothing. Is anyone else's breathing a bit funny ? I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed & underwhelmed all at the same time . I keep involuntarily taking both deep & shallow breaths. It feels like my body / lungs are confused.
2 things happened yesterday.

I Finally told someone IRL

Dh & I had another conversation. He said he doesn't want to leave, that he still loves me but he will go because I've asked him. He's said he's had a good look at himself & that he's sorry. I think this is where I'm meant to say I've made a mistake. I feel there are going to be stages in this. I don't know which one this is. We're not arguing, he's still being lovely & a bit sad. Everything is pretty amicable but I am a little on edge. He very much is like the little girl with a little curl, I'm watching the grief process unfold before my eyes & preparing for what could be next. I'd like to fast forward time to just after he's moved his stuff out.
@QEJ1979
So sorry to be painting that similar picture.
Hi to everyone new. Its stunning how many of us are in the same boat.
Hoping the others who posted earlier in the thread are just reading along, haven't gone away... And are okay
for everyone today.