Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie apologies that it’s taken me so long to respond. Coercive control is a form of DV. Here’s a link from women’s aid www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/ As I learned on here marriage counselling is contraindicated in abusive relationship since the abuser just utilises this as another avenue to continue their abuse. It also gives them further ammunition to use to their advantage.
Hopefully the individual counselling was of benefit. Saddened to hear you’ve been trapped in your relationship for so long. Hopefully the measures you’re putting in place will bring you a step closer to leaving your relationship.

@SodaSodaBanana thanks for your kind post. I think that focusing on the kids is what will get most of us through this challenging time. That’s great you’ve been able to put lots of steps in place to prepare for the breakup. So sad that most of us are counting down the days until the whole Christmas and New Year period is over.

@Sheddingskins that’s great you’ve taken the next step which I’m sure will pose it’s own challenges. If I may ask have things been amicable regarding custody of the DC? That’s something which really scares me if I’m honest.
Hope your are doing as ok as you can be given the circumstances.

Joining please, this is my situation too. for everyone else having a shitty time.

Night everyone x didn't win the lottery so sorry we're not all able to go to club Tropicana this week but God wouldn't it have been nice xx hope we all manage some sleep at the mo I'm either asleep constantly or awake the balance has totally gone 😐. This living in the same house but apart thing is certainly a killer and the pretending all is ok when people are around but being ignored when on own is even harder !!! Sweet dreams and let's see what tomo brings us xx

Hi @Idontkowmyname, I hear you. It has been the toughest year ever. And I have had some hard ones. I never thought I'd get here, it seemed impossible back in January when I knew I had to call time. Just could not carry on being so unhappy
I waited until after exam season. And I am so glad I did. DS1 needed to be given a clear run at it. And he deserved his success. In truth, they have all taken it far better than I expected. The youngest was at sea initially, but he skyped me every morning early and we made tea 'together' But I have tried to limit the fallout by keeping them in their own home and with very little disruption to their lives. I know it's not feasible for everyone, but nesting has been the right option so far. It's early days, and Xmas is not ideal, we are doing it together this year, but there is less tension in the house and I can now parent as I want to, no more walking on eggshells and trying to be that buffer to his bad moods and his default position of 'no' to everything. They are calmer. Less anxious. It's tricky as it's not what my H wants. And that means I get a lot of sulky and erratic behaviour. The five months between telling him I wanted time out and the actual move into the flat (I went first to minimise the opportunity for drama) were excruciating. I was exhausted. On my knees mentally at one point and running on and out of adrenaline.
But I've done it. I can't quite believe it. And I was so so worried about the DCs all year. It made me physically sick at times. No idea whether the relative peace will last, but taking each day as it comes.

As a husband and father I can’t understand how you can be with your man and have been in love with someone else for 6 years? Why haven’t you left your man if you love someone else? That’s not fair on him surely. Cheating is the lowest of the low whether it’s physical or emotional, still amounts to the same in my book. You’ve got one shot at life, never mind the finances, leave and let
You both get on with your lives with people you want to be with for the right reasons and not just for financial or convienence reasons. Just joined the site tonight and I’m shocked at the posts I’m seeing from people staying with partners for years when they don’t even love them. Total eye opener to me. Hope you do the right thing for everyone involved and live happy ever after

Thanks @Sametimenextyear.I don't want comfort from him, I don't trust him anymore & how can someone who claims undyingly love , watch you struggle for 20 years ,know exactly why & still not help ? I don't think I'll ever understand that. It's not ridiculous to think their actions are deliberate is it ? Do some here have husbands who are doing their best but it's just not working ? I'm still trying to figure out if mine is a covert narcissist (can't seem to bold) I don't want comfort from mine or trust him either. I can't imagine ever trusting him again. And he's certainly prepared to watch me struggle and do nothing to support me.

@coffeeisadictedtome I'm sorry you can't drive anymore, that's tough. I can't drive or be in the car for long, 15 minutes each way is pretty much the limit, but I'd struggle badly without it. Public transport is really bad here and it would take an hour to get to my doctor versus 10 minutes in the car or an hour and a half to get DC to therapy which is a 15 min drive away. My illness frustrates me so much, especially the limitations it places on my kids lives. And it really hurts that I'm so sick and DH doesn't want to help, even just a little thing that would take him 10 minutes a day but would have a really big effect on how disabling my symptoms are, and he won't do it.

It is so exhausting @ByeByeMissAmericanPie. Hadn't thought of it as hyper vigilance, but it fits. I feel my body relax when he's gone and I know he'll be gone for a few hours at least.

Weird day here. Dh has taken both dd to an adventure park. Normally his df would be dropping over after church with a bottle of wine for a hello & a chat. Not really to me, but that's cool.
I only found out when I saw dd getting dressed & asked what she was doing. "Dad said he's taking me out" I'm thinking , God I hope he's not Leaving me to entertain dfil !!! Wouldn't have shocked me if he did, I've come to expect stuff like that.
So I've had to ask dh if this was after the usual visit ? He's said "No, I've told him I don't want to do it today" . This has never happened before.
It's things like that , makes me wonder if I'm unreasonable or if he's being a jerk. If I question why he's not clued me up I get " Well I don't know, I didn't think you wanted to talk to me"
On the up side, I've wrapped the last of the presents, assembled the stockings, done 3 loads of washing, made the beds & done tho dishes @SodaSodaBanana
I definitely needed a date & it was kind of his suggestion. I really think he thought he'd empty the dishwasher & I'd change my mind. It was him that suggested going to his dads, what he's bringing in isn't enough to cover a weeks rent. Dfil is a hoarder, I've been trying for 15 years to get it cleaned up, but it kept falling on deaf ears. I stopped saying I'd clean for him because he didn't want it, & the rest of the family made it seem like I was being a dickhead. Was there yesterday & it's a complete shit tip, all you can smell is antique urine. It is the complete opposite of here.
No idea what he's taking but I don't think that'll be too hard. I'm signing my car over to him so he isn't stranded (we have 2 & it was put into my name because it was easier) .

I don't know about regret, I've seen him have it twice & neither time was it related to me. If he is feeling it he hasn't really verbalized it.

I really do love him, its just not acceptable to continue as we have.
Love your man/sofa thing...that was great. Could totally relate. @Idontkowmyname
Thankyou so much for creating this space. Never been able to talk to a single soul IRL. Listening to you all gives me strength , resolve & clarity I've never had before.

@Sametimenextyear
You paint such a similar picture. To everyone else my husband is the most affectionate kind man. A wonderful father. Successful so we don’t have to worry and can do anything. Everything any girl would want. If they lived through what I have they would feel differently. For 12 months I’ve been told I’m fat (I’m a size 6-8 and workout 5 times a week so not even remotely, but believed him for a long time), I’m useless in bed because I don’t do what he wants me to do when and where he wants to and he has made me think my family were evil and isolate me from them.

Fortunately I fell apart one day. Spoke to a friend. Had a huge reality check. He has been controlling and manipulating me for years. He has started on the kids too. He thinks of no one bar himself. Even quit his job to spend more time travelling the world with me. Didn’t ask if I wanted to which was a fatal error as I didn’t. We have two kids I want to be here for them. And I don’t want an au pair in the house letting her look after them.

He has done very well in life and at 42 wants to be retired. I’m 40 and now want to have the career I didn’t because I stayed at home which he wanted.

I finally after many warnings that his abuse needed to stop asked him to go. He refused. A few things have happened and he thinks I tried to steel from him. I didn’t I just tried to protect myself.
Anyway he now wants a post nuptial agreement. He won’t move forward unless I sign it.
I’ve taken legal advice and they are binding. If I sign that is what I’ll get in a settlement. So I’ve refused without my solicitor saying it is what I would get. He is basically wanting to pay out to get a settlement agreed and then try and save the marriage. I think it’s a trap.

Right now he can take It and pop it where the sun doesn’t shine.

We have had counselling together and I see one alone. He hates that as it’s given me strength to say no. He is not managing to control my every thought. So if you can get some yourself I would really recommend it. It made me realise what he was doing was wrong and see him for who he really is. With the one together it is me that seems to have to work on stuff because I’m the only one of ya trying. His trying is by being normal. Well his normal is everyone doing exactly what he wants.
I’m not too sure how we get through the next ten days. But after that I think we will have to make the decision to move on. I can’t carry on. By reading the post nup he is already showing his true colours, money.

Sorry this is long! Never mastered the art if explaining this quickly!

I hope everyone in here manages to get through Xmas and have some fun.

Here for this thread. Found out My oh cheated back in June, I cancelled the wedding scheduled for 5 weeks later. We have a young baby. Just letting him has his first family Christmas, pretending happy families but in reality I'm here digging up financial advice on how to leave.

I’m unhappy with my DH too.
He is a good dad and we get on quite well. I rarely feel like sex but when we do it’s ok.
BUT, I find I’m finding fault with him every day, it sounds so cruel but it’s true and ridiculous because I’m full of faults.
Yesterday we fell out after a lovely afternoon together. He’d laughed at a very inappropriate post that someone else had shared on FB. We’d both had a few drinks and maybe that’s why he found it funny, but I found it in incredibly poor taste, particularly as he has daughters himself.

Not sure if I was being over sensitive or whether I just don’t like him anymore.

• @Sametimenextyear I really do love him, its just not acceptable to continue as we have. *

I really love DH too, but I can't live with his behaviour anymore and I can't live on tenterhooks waiting for the next angry outburst because his life is so hard. When I'm an inch away from falling in a heap and never getting up again and the only thing that keeps me going is the sure knowledge that DH is completely incapable of raising kids with SEN and MH issues in a kind compassionate way let alone advocating for them so they can get the support they need. Of course he thinks he's a great husband and father and the problems all me. He only parents when he wants too, then acts like I should appreciate how great he is. Today ASD ADHD kid melting down on and off all morning, toddler going crazy and he offers to take the only DC whose not causing problems out to 'help' me. 1 they're your kids too so it's just parenting not 'helping' me. And 2 if you really want to make things easier for me take the crazy toddler somewhere, taking the easy kid out doesn't fucking help me. It just allows him to feel warm and fuzzy without actually putting himself out.

Just caught up on all the messages, and it is really striking how the same damaging threads run through so many of our stories. Issues with control, using mood swings as a weapon, financial pressures, our being expected to run the house and children (while also working), health problems which compound things. There are far more women out there in my position than I realised. Keep strong everyone. You can do this. It won't break you and the kids will be ok. My best mate keeps saying to me that it's amazing that I have got this far. She's proud of me having taken these steps and after ten years of gradually being worn down. Don't give up the fight.

@ToBreatheAgain it is definitely the lack of kindness and compassion from H towards the kids that spurred me on. The outbursts are a killer. Hope you are ok.

Another one here.... Don’t really know what to say, no kids, no family nearby, just so stuck due to circumstances. Together 20+ years, in a hideous rut for at least the last 6 although difficulties from early on which always seemed to be down to me not quite fitting the picture of what he wants from a wife. Now there’s just an almost complete indifference towards me or what I’m doing or are interested in. No affection at all. And what’s worst is the constant fault finding and the overt criticisms of just about anything I do or say. I am the most miserable I have ever been and I hate it.

@ToBreatheAgain I’m so sorry the kids are making it tough. You need to put yourself into them so much there’s not much left for you.

I had a bit of a eureka moment when I realised it was ok to love him and be sad for wanting to break up but also it’s ok to want more, to put myself and my kids first. Mine has put so little effort in to change his destructive behaviours why should I do it?

Do you have any friends that would take the crazy toddler for a couple of hours? Work on building your support network - you’ll need them and feel stronger for it.

@Sheddingskins and @SodaSodaBanana thanks. I'm OK. The youngest two feed off each other and if our SEN DC is having a bad day the toddler gets hyped up. I'm used to it, but it's exhausting when Im so sick. It's harder when DH is home, I'm not sure why but it is.

There havent been any angry outbursts for months, since I told him we'd leave if he did it again, but I still can't relax fully. He's not that bad, I keep reading posts on here and thinking DH has got angry a few times, but nothing like this. I don't even know if what he's done would bother most people that much, but on top of everything else I just can't. And because he won't acknowledge that getting scarily angry to me and the kids was wrong I can't trust him not to do it again. It's been years of little things, death by a thousand cuts and I just don't want to deal with him anymore. And what @Sodasodabanana said, I have to put so much into it. Theres nothing left.

Bloody so exhausting xx sending everyone a much needed hug and a vodka & orange juice xx I've been wrapping and crying today !! For some reason my nerves feel really off and I'm extremely anxious but for no particular reason today / tonight c

X not a c !!! 🙄

@to breath again I'm in same situation but I'm leaveing my contract on my house is up in april and then I'm giving notice and I'm gone!!!hes currently on rightmove looking at flats I do kinda hope he gets there first!!!hea just been a got and doesn't have the balls to leave hes is a absolute arse has hit me twice and struggles to hold down a job !!!I'm going to move in with my mum and I can finally feel a sigh of relief!!

Just realised I'm still calling littlest DC a crazy toddler. When he'll be 3 on the 27th 🤦‍♀️. I don't want him to grow up, I feel I've missed so much of his life being sick and overwhelmed and exhausted. I've lost 18 months of my kids lives focusing so much on trying to reach DH. I've spent so much time there but not fully there, sunk in grief or going over everything in my head or completely exhausted and sick and just putting one foot in front of the other.

For so long I thought the problem was that I couldn't reach him, wasn't communicating well enough. That if I could just make him see the effect his moods, his snapping, his making more work for me, his only parenting when it suits him was having that he'd step up. I was assuming those things not the real him. I've wasted so much time trying to reach him when he just doesn't love me enough to have any genuine interest in changing. And he basically told me that last year, then took it back and I stupidly ignored it, thought it was just said in anger, thought if I tried hard enough he'd love me back. And all I've achieved is made myself sicker and let my kids down for a guy who is never going to accept me the way I am because what I can do with being illn when Im having to also do 95% of the parenting is just not good enough for him.

My nerves are off too @coffeeisadictedtome. But I know why, it's because DH has 2 weeks off.

My partner has few weeks off also I've got three night shifts to contend with this week but not a hope in hell that he will do anything to help me I'm on nights into xmas 7am then coming home to sleep but he still expects me to get up mid aft in order to cook him a christmas dinner I would gladly tell him to friggin off but I'm cooking it for my 70 year old mother also!if I'm lucky he may walk the dog we have no kids so nothing else is a major issue my sons 18vlives with his dad and as I'm planning on going once the house tenancy finishes in three months I've not bourght him a thing or even a card couldn't give a beep beep just buying my time and laughing at him whilst hes as nasty as ahit andi ignore him!!!!

Totally with you @ToBreatheAgain mine said last January that he didn't love me like he use to but I did the same as you. I was told the reason no sex was because of a back injury but then about 3 months ago he went into the spare room saying I just kept him awake when I was in pain in the night and it was easier for him to get a good nights sleep. Fast forward to abt 6 weeks ago I finally plucked up the courage to ask him why he never came near me or ever touched or kissed me in over a year ( I knew I wasn't going to like the answer but I couldn't stand the thought of any longer without any affection at all) he said do you really want to know why? So I said of course I do I don't understand it at all.. he said 'because I don't F**cking LIKE YOU ! That's why!!!
I just had to get out the room quickly as I thought I was going to throw up. This whole year I'm thinking I'm still in a relationship but thinking to myself ohhh he's tired or his back hurts etc etc when all the time I was just this Ill thing that some days can't get out of bed that he has to share his life with. I tried to ask what I'm suppose to have done but he said what's the point if I tell you it just sounds hurtful and like I'm criticising you. X