Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Re OP post about still not separated, same place next year, that thought makes me feel sick. DH would need to cha his behaviour so much for that to be a happy scenario.

@Pleasedontdrawonyoursister could you afford what our friends did and I'm hoping we can do too. Rent a one bedroom apartment in a cheaper suburb. And take turns being at the house with kids while other one stays in the apartment. It's working really well for them. I think it's something that might become more common given how expensive it is to buy one house let alone two in many areas.

Maybe we're a bit older, but most of our friends were married with kids and a lot of those married friends, all who have little kids are in the process of separating or have separated. Every one of DH's close mates, none of whom I ever really liked have separated in the last year. 2 of them are/were abusive. I wonder sometimes if it says something about DH that he is friends with so many abusive men.

Yep. That’s me. Same club. He’s having another extended sulk. I m trying to make small talk . Why do they do it?
Looks great from outside. But its not. Feels better to vent to others in same place.

I find it so difficult after having a couple of abusive relationship in the past to finally thinking I was finally sorted to feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. In the past I vowed to never get involved with anyone again after getting away from abuse to finally trusting in someone and thinking yayyyy this is my happy ever after at nearly 50 😐 . I don't know how old anybody else is but I def think Ive gone past my 'best before' date ! It just feels for want of a better word so f**king sad ! X All the Christmas adverts and Christmas songs really not helping 😐😐😐😐😐😐

@user1471082124 why bother with small talk? Leave him to stew and go do something more interesting, or use the time to work on yourself - check out single parent benefits, do something positive.

I'm 40 @coffeeisadictedtome. But I don't have any interest in having another relationship for a very long time if ever. My health would have to recover massively and any new relationship would have the same struggles. I've got another 15 years at least caring for kids with SEN and MH and ongoing medical issues. It's a lot to ask of someone whose not the child's parent. I've lost the last year to grief and arguments, I don't want my kids to pay that price again. And I'm highly introverted, the kids needs on top of my illness takes everything, and then I need time alone to recharge. I can't cope with anyone else's needs.

I turned 45 in November. Another shit birthday with absolutely no effort. Too exhausting to write all the ways he showed me he couldn't be arsed .The year before I sat alone in a service station eating a subway sandwich through tears , & that was my birthday treat. No gift or effort , but he'd " thought of me all day " . Someone posted the other day about entering a new decade & I thought shit, I can't do another one like the last 2. Every time we've argued & I've said I want to end it, I've caved. He tells me he loves me & is so charming & polite... I end up feeling guilty & like I'm asking too much of him, I end up apologising & so it goes. I'm certain he thought the same thing would happen this time but I seriously won't do this anymore. I wanted to cave in a couple if days ago but what it's taken to get here has been enormous & I know this has to end. I haven't known who I am for so long , but right now I don't even recognise myself. Thankfully he seems to have stopped sulking & giving me puppy dog eyes. Its exhausting & I really NEED him to move out. Even now he's doing/not doing things that confirm to me I'm over it. I'm not really sad now either which feels weird & cold. I think I've been mourning this relationship for so long that I'm running out of feelings. Does anyone else feel like a two faced liar?

Yes @Sametimenextyear. I feel like a liar. And I feel the same. He twists things in knots and I end up feeling like the bad guy and losing sight of the truth. I always end up apologising no matter how clearly it was his fault. He never apologises or he adds a but, I'm sorry I did xyz but it's your fault because you're not giving me what I want.

Our marriage feels like a lie because of the disconnect between the stated position, we're trying to reconnect and what I feel inside my head, which is this desperate need to avoid him. I feel like a liar because I'm making contingency plans and even though he hasn't said I love you for years and he has hurt me so badly I still feel guilty about the idea of hurting him by breaking up our family.

I think if we had regular sex he'd be happy to stay in our relationship as long as I kept doing all the kid stuff, and house stuff and medical and therapy appointments. Yet he either doesn't love me anymore of he's been withholding love till he feels I deserve it. He does the later with information. I have to earn it by being interested and concerned and asking often how say things like work are going. Yet he never asks me how I am.

Part of me feels he wants to leave, he just doesn't have the balls to do it, so he's going to treat me horribly till I do. But meanwhile despite never saying I love you (even in reply) , or acting like he loves me or giving me support when Im really ill and on the verge of a breakdown, he still thinks he's entitled to sex. And if he doesn't get it he's entitled to be a grumpy prick to me and the kids.

@ToBreatheAgain. . I'm so sorry. I can relate to the withholding information & I wondered if it was to punish me . He has a weird passive aggressive style, so speaking & behaving very nicely , but doing things that he knows upset me & keeping me in the dark. Its very confusing & destabilising. Stupid stuff like leaving the house & taking dd without telling me. I had one of the kids presents hidden behind his coat in our walk-in robe . We'd had a tense little word...nothing too bad, but I found the coat dragged aside & the present in full view. If I clean something he has to immediately use it. There's so many that I finally started to notice . Yet he still acts so politely & nicely. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. I don't want to hear his voice, I especially don't want to spend any time with him. I'm dreading Xmas day because I'll be stuck in the same room as him & his manipulative df because I'm hosting. that's a whole other story of love & support.

On a lighter more amusing note, I went for a sleep today with the baby... Bit of an escape from dh tbh & I ended up having a really irritating dream about him...apparently I was yelling out "Get Out" or "Go Away" or something. You've got to laugh don't you . For everyone here
.

Happy Saturday morning you lot x sat here drinking coffee thinking of all the things I need to do with a cracking head and wishing I could just get on a bloody plane and sit in the sunshine ! .
I too am chronically ill like the other lady and I feel so bloody frustrated with myself ! I can no longer drive and hate that as to me I'd always had that bit of freedom since being 18. A magic fairy with a wand and a lottery win would be so nice right now ! If I win shall we all go drink cocktails by the pool and get our mojo back so we can go back stronger and feeling good and sort this mess we're all in out !! Wouldn't that be nice 👍🏼 Trying to be strong and cheerful is so bloody tiring. Sending you all a hug today x

It’s so hostile here I am a step away from calling the police
Screaming , verbal abuse , threats and blackmail

@coffeeisaddictedtome
Bless you, your post made me smile & it's a definite Yes from me!

@Fightingmycorner2019
Please be careful lovely. With you in Spirit.

I don’t know how to survive between now and when he leaves
He begged for a last Xmas but is literally screaming and threatening me

Breathe . Breathe

@Fightingmycorner2019 oh God please be careful. X

@Sametimenextyear great ! Just imagine floating around in my kaftan n cocktails like I'm eddy in Absolutely Fabulous! Oh God we've got to smile rather that cry which would be so easy wouldn't it x I've got presents to wrap etc and I'm just sat here can't be bothered to even move . Does anyone else find all the this thinking etc totally exhausting? , every time I seem to have the energy to do housework etc within an hour he has totally made the place a dump again x

@coffeeisaddictedtome. I will definitely do that.
I have literally no energy to wrap presents. Every time I get close, I hear his voice or he comes into where I am & my energy is completely sapped. He's still being so nice. I feel really bad , like I'm an awful person. I feel really sorry for him , it couldn't be a nice position for him to be in. He's supposed to be going sometime after the 30th & he's said it feels like he's on a countdown. Its stupid & I'd love to say it's all cool & he can stay , but I don't get anything from this relationship. I don't want comfort from him, I don't trust him anymore & how can someone who claims undyingly love , watch you struggle for 20 years ,know exactly why & still not help ? I don't think I'll ever understand that. It's not ridiculous to think their actions are deliberate is it ? Do some here have husbands who are doing their best but it's just not working ? I'm still trying to figure out if mine is a covert narcissist.

@Fightingmycorner2019
Hoping everything is okay

@sametimenextyear mine is in denial of our last conversation - he has starting doing things around the house and is not, as I was suspecting, half-man-half-sofa. However, it’s too little too late, just because he puts a wash on will not eradicate the 20yrs worth of lies.

If your ‘D’H didn’t have a date and countdown, everything would be prolonged. Do you think he’s feeling regret or put off by the effort of moving out of a comfy home?

I'd like to join please. The next two weeks off together are going to be really hard. It's day 1 of the holiday and he's already got annoyed over tiny things a few times, slammed a door on me because I made him a craft item that he's been saying for a while that he's really like. This was because "it showed up your infantile belief that you can magically fix everything with one small thing"

There's a lot of backstory to our relationship issues but in short I got in a huge amount of secret debt (including on his credit card- money I stole without asking or notifying) and this was discovered in February. I feel really shit about this and am now in a debt management plan to pay everything back but he's totally blind and unwilling to accept that I got into debt because I was left on maternity leave to manage paying the same amount of bills/expenses as normal even when my SMP ran out. Every time I asked for more money it provoked ranting or being 'shamed' about my 'crap budgeting skills' and how I 'took him for everything he's worth' in front of friends, family and random acquaintances. It got to the point that I went down the stupidly high Apr emergency loan path as it was easier than asking him for more money. I regret that I stole from him as thats not the person I want to be. I regret that I'm in so much debt as it's completely removed my option of leaving. And it's also given him the excuse to blame all of his moods, bad luck etc on me because I've now concretely 'done something' He doesn't seem to accept the reality that he was like this before the debt, it's just now he's got an angle I can't even argue back at.
He said recently that 'You should feel miserable every day' and he's clearly working on making me feel that. His current preoccupation is that I'm 'too happy' and that my life is fine whilst his is shit. It's just overwhelming.

What you said @tobreatheagain really resonated with me. I feel stressed constantly whilst he's in the house as at any moment any tiny innocuous thing may set him off to ignoring/being annoyed with me/threatening to leave/slamming doors etc. I only feel relaxed when I drive away from the house or he isn't here. I can feel my shoulder muscles unknot as i drive away to go to work as it means 8 hours without him.

Sorry that was long. Thanks :)

I think i have found my people

Currently playing the waiting game, trying to give the dc a nice 'normal' Christmas and then we can all move onwards and upwards

In reality however i have been up since 730 trying to do Christmas prep, sort the house and five dc aged 3 months - 11 years while he is still asleep

I’m simultaneously comforted and saddened that so many people have joined the thread. I’m relieved that I spoke to “d”h the other night regarding some of his behaviour as it would all be too much now otherwise. One of the dc wanted to do a performance on the piano earlier and he was glued to his phone while they were performing. Something so small but to me symbolic of his priorities. Surprise surprise, when I spoke to him about it he hadn’t done anything wrong and then threw things back at me saying I’d never watched dc before which is absolute bullshit.

I’m ok thanks for asking

I am sure he will blow again but I was hysterical crying and miserable all
Day which clearly cheered him up . Motherfucker

Sorry for ranting . As can be see seen when you end it they don’t make it easy . Which is why it took so much to give me the courage

I hope you all get there , not saying you don’t have courage . The stars need to align and even then ...... I so emphasise for everyone here with the very valid reasons that make it so hard

@Fightingmycorner2019 I’m so sorry to hear that he has responded in such a despicable manner. Use this moment to give you added strength when things get tough, or if you ever waiver and wonder if you’ve made the right call. To be gleeful when you were in distress is shocking. In fact, when it comes to abusive men it’s just part of their pathetic little repertoire. It shouldn’t really shock us yet it does, as it’s so far removed from natural human behaviour.
No need to apologise for ranting, it was one of the reasons I thought a thread like this might help.

@karigan and @ToBreatheAgain

My counsellor referred to it as hyper vigilance. It’s exhausting. All the thinking. All the eggshells. The sinking feeling as he comes home.

@JanesKettle apologies that it’s taken me so long to respond. Having grown up with an alcoholic parent I’m sadly aware of the damage that this can cause and the long term effect of their behaviour. You still probably feel on edge wondering what’s going to be the the thing that sends him off the wagon which imo can be just as stressful and in some instances more so.
Really glad you have some irl support in the form of therapy. A partners lack of understanding of that a last ditch effort will fix everything I suppose just further reinforces the complete lack of awareness of how their actions impact us.
The financial considerations just add to the feelings of being trapped.
Hope the thread gives you some comfort and you don’t have too long of a break until your next appointment with your therapist/counsellor.