Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@San1809 thank you 💐

Sorry to abruptly barge in (again) but I have amazing news and I can't really share it with many people in RL. (lots of joint friends)
I posted in the first few pages of this thread (have name changed to avoid dectection as he's aware of that username I think) I'm the one who got into massive debt on maternity leave mainly because I was expected to carry on paying for my normal share of bills etc and I was too ground down by the public 'shamings' and rants to demand a rework of finances for the period where I was on SMP. (He once told me that 'you can ask for money anytime, just understand that there will be consequences' I've just got a massive pay rise at work - in acknowledgment of me working like a fucking trooper for the last 10 months. It gives me an extra £546 a month! Which around here is absolutely enough to rent a house/flat for me and my daughter and pay all bills, just on my salary. :D
It doesn't kick in until October payday but the main thing keeping me here was knowing that I couldn't financially sustain paying back my relatives/my debt management plan and id have to declare myself bankrupt and welch on both which i couldnt morally do (especially to relatives). But I now have an out if I need it.

Best case scenario if I can spin it out until end of next year, all my debts will be cleared and then I'll have far FAR more money to play with and life would be simpler.
Still not sure what my plan is; in an ideal world I'd still like us to be magically fixed but he blames me for everything, accepts no responsibility and is so deeply controlling (whole other rant) it's very unlikely to last long term.

But it's so liberating to know that in 11 weeks I have an out if I need one.

Also- He's sulking about my pay rise, because 'he should be on much more than me, but I've limited his earning options by my choices' so I've not even had a 'well done' just rants about what terrible choices I've made.

Well done all good things come to those who wait. X

That's great Justawhilelonger. I think if it were me Id try and hang in till debts were paid or close to paid off. That would give you a financial cushion for just in case once you move out. I posted earlier in the thread too, but have name changed since. I remember your posts.

Im still struggling with how to leave. Scared of the confrontation. I know our marriage is over, have the ick and beyond a hug don't want to be touched by him ever again. I don't even want to try to come back from it. I made a list of some of the worse EA things he's done and it helps when I wobble to remind myself why our relationship is unworkable. I've been here too many times before and the only thing that changes is I'm more exhausted, more worn out, sicker and have less and less self esteem till the point where I feel completely worthless now. I need to find a way out.

I know what you mean. The counsellor I saw suggested I kept a diary of stuff he said or arguments we had that were really vicious and periodically reread them to centre myself - He twists my perception of what actually happened a lot. (Though he cottoned onto the fact that they counsellor was being critical of him and put pressure on me to stop going) Rereading some of them across the last 3 years (when I started recording) they're awful and I don't want to be with someone who thinks it's acceptable to treat me like that.

Yes the hanging on is my preference. If I left in October or shortly after I would have £103 after all bills and expenses every month. If I wait until the end of 2021 or beginning of 2022 when all my debts are done I would have £876 after all bills and expenses which is a lot more leeway in terms of financial cushion. I'm going to try and build up savings between now and then so I can have an Emergency fund to fall back on If I need to get out quickly or to outright pay a rental deposit/bond etc. Use the time wisely and all that

How is everyone else doing? Feel a little deflated to be honest and with everything going on at the moment I’m just feeling lonely/isolated rather than feeing supported by a partner who has my back.
School holidays are exhausting at the best of times but with covid restrictions in place and not having the gym/pool to de-stress I’m finding it particularly tough going.

Yep with you on that. Sorry about that it's hard for you. Do you get a chance to escape for walks/shopping on your own for a bit?

Here every day there is something I've said or done that sends him to a rant or calling me names and I just sit there thinking about what a crap situation it is where this is my 'normal' (for now) The other day he put music on loudly first thing in the morning when I was sitting next to the speaker and I sighed. This then provoked an argument during which he called me a bitch and then proceeded to explain (for over an hour- following me around the house) that what I had done (sighed at the loud music) was much worse than what he had done (sworn at me) over and over again

Also yesterday we went to see his family for a bbq which was lovely- his family are the best bit about staying with him. We were all playing a boardgame and one of the rules was a tiny bit convoluted. His sister said we should just start playing and get the hang of it, and he said "Hang on. No-one understands this specific rule" I then commented that I understood it and he said "If I don't understand it, how could you possibly get it" And there in that sentence is just exactly how little he thinks of me.

That's a lot to cope with Justawhilelonger. I often think DH doesn't sound anything close to bad compared to the other OH on here. Im sorry he's being so horrible.

Idontknowmyname that sounds really hard.

I know we have to be over. Too much has happened. But I feel so sad, overwhelming grief. I love/d him so much. I no longer know how I feel under all the hurt and distrust and it doesn't matter anyway because I can't do this anymore. It just hurts so much. I want it to be over, definitively now, so I can heal in peace. But the earliest I can tell him would be 9+ months away. There's so much that needs to happen first. Our second of three little boys is starting fyos next year, he and his older brother have SEN. I've only just been able to get funding for the supports he needs. We're still waiting to be seen re assessment for Autism and cognitive and genetic issues. That's my priority right now. Getting our eldest 2 boys supported. Just turned 5 years DS is doing so much therapy right now. As painful as being here is I can't derail that.

Beyond gutted this morning. I’ve got nothing left to say to him. It’s his way or the highway. I’ve been working away on a home project and he’s just gone and completely undone what I’ve been working on because he wanted the room with his pc completely cleared and nothing in his way. Hours and hours of time and effort on my part undone when I was at a relatives for a coffee and a chat. Only his needs matter because as he reminded me this morning he’s the main breadwinner. I just wished we had the kind of relationship where he talked to me before undoing all my hard work. We would have been able to find a solution that worked for both of us.

@GhostOfMe please don’t focus on whether your relationship feels better or indeed worse than someone else's.
You deserve to be happy and be in a relationship with respect and mutual understanding. It goes without saying that it should be free from abuse.

@Justawhilelonger sorry to hear you are also having a tough time. That’s appalling that you needed to contend with such appalling behaviour all over a sigh. The sad thing is if it wasn’t the sigh that he’d focused on it would have been something else.

@Idontkowmyname sorry he's negated your hard work and treated you like your work doesn't matter.

I know I deserve to be happy, or at least the peace I want. He just seems very minor league compared to many of the OHs on here. My GPs referred me for counselling a while ago. I was reading the referral today, hadn't before and it says husband is emotionally abusive. It really hit me seeing it written down, it hurt to read that. How did I end up here. 3 little boys, 2 with SEN, a disabling chronic illness that stops me working and a toxic failed marriage that I have to find a way out of. DS1 will be ok long term but I don't know if Ds2 will ever be able to be independent. I am so scared of the future, more so for my boys then myself. I have to find a way to hold myself together, I have to get them through this. There's no one else to care for them.

Yes @GhostOfMe it’s very confronting seeing it acknowledged and written down on paper.
Even with a supportive DH life with DC with SEN is challenging. Throw your own illness into the mix as well and there are no words to describe the challenges you must face on a daily basis. I’m relieved that your gp has put the wheels in motion for some professional support.

Well and truly over him undermining me in front of the dc. I’m really starting to hate every second in his company at the moment. I’m sick of constantly been made out to be in the wrong especially when I raise valid concerns over safety.
Hope everyone else is doing ok

Feeling like I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me after an issue with one of the dc this morning. By this point he’d already left us all to have breakfast in another room and watch You Tube. I’m the one doing somersaults in the kitchen getting everything organised and I’m also dealing with one of the dc back chatting and causing problems.Yet again, I’m the one having to dish out the discipline. Roll on meltdown over a tech ban. As usual, “DH” undermines me by arranging to play on the Xbox with them. I’m apparently impacting their bonding time by not supporting it.
DH further reinforced his lack of respect last night. As we were leaving the house by undermining me yet again in front of the DC. I’m just trying to spoil their fun apparently.

It just seems even although certain negative/abusive behaviours have been identified at time’s by the DC that they still view him through rose tinted glasses and I’m the one under constant scrutiny. I’m an evil monster apparently for shouting at one of them earlier. Wishing I could just take myself off for a few days and leave them all to it. I love the DC dearly but there is only so much I can do with constant disrespectful behaviour and zero support and at times sabotage from “DH”.

@idontkowmyname - how are you doing with the lack of support in parenting this week? Holidays are hard aren't they?

Today's drama here has been the lack of a specific condiment to go on a cheese sandwich. A few months back I started up a system where I have sheet of paper held to the fridge with a magnet. Anything that runs out/close to running out gets written on the paper and when I'm making a shopping list I transfer onto it and the stuff gets replaced- he is aware of the list system. Today he discovered that we were out of pickle and said sarcastically "isn't it interesting how we have the condiments you like but my stuff isn't ever replaced?" I asked what we were out of and when it ran out. Apparently it was used up 'weeks ago' I then asked I he'd written it on the list. Cue a big rant over my inefficiency, how I never prioritise his needs and how the /most/ effective 'normal' way of going about the shopping would be to look through every single cupboard/fridge/freezer etc before I went and make up a list of missing ingredients from that (out of the presumably thousands of items in the shop! )
I then completely poker faced (very proud of myself) and said 'So I take it you didn't write it on the list then? Well frankly, you're the only one who eats pickle so when it runs out then either write It On the list and I'll replace it, or buy it yourself."
He then made fun of the fact that I used the same word twice in a sentence and has huffed upstairs. Sore loser.

He's recently been talking about how we should emigrate and go 'somewhere no-one knows us and start again as a fresh start' Hahaha! Yep cutting me off from my family, job and friends- classic move. Not a chance in hell of that one!

So the theme of emigrating has continued and today there has been a brief veiled threat of "well I'll take our daughter on my own and you can fight me through the courts" then an ongoing attempt to persuade me to pick a country and then finally; "it's your choice either come with me or I'll kill myself in a week's time."

I've moved all of my daughter's documents inc passport and birth cert. out of the document folder and hidden them. Once work starts again in 2.5 weeks I'll take them into work and keep them in my locker.

As to the rest- stands to reason that he's now waving the suicide card. Frankly it's been used multiple times over the years and other than dramatically going out for an hour (and then returning) he's never made any attempt to harm himself. If I was a gambler I'd bet a significant amount of money that he's still very much alive and kicking next week.

It's almost laughable- he is sadly moping around the house occasionally going 'I can't believe you would rather have me die than move countries with me'

I'm not going anywhere.

Hi you can go to court as an emergency to stop him taking ur daughter out of the country and it’s done within days so u should find out ASAP I think it’s a prohibitive order but not sure but it’s better safe than sorry as he can always get another passport so make it legal. Hope this helps

Hi all, I was scrolling through Mumsnet to see if there were any threads about women in unhappy relationships and came along this one. It’s sad to see that so many of us are in this position. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I am so unhappy but feel stuck due to money worries and also the fact that we have a child together. I don’t know how much longer I can take it, it’s getting to the stage where I dread going home from work or dread him getting home from work. I’m scared anytime he has a drink as I know how nasty and paranoid he can get. He’s also started using money as a weapon as I have been mentioning a few times more than normal recently that I think it’s time we sit down and talk about separating properly. I keep kicking myself for not leaving when he cheated on me a few years ago. It’s probably my own fault that I am stuck as he has done so much to me and I am still with him. He often tells me things are my fault and no one else would put up with me and maybe I believe him. I don’t have any friends left as I stopped trying to go out a long time ago as is wasn’t worth the hassle. My family refuse to be in the same room as him also so I can’t see them as much as I would like to. Just feel so alone and thank god for my child or I don’t think I would have the strength to carry on

It’s not ur fault in any way. If u didn’t leave him then it was because u loved him and wanted to forgive him but whatever it is it isn’t your fault in anyway and u have to remember that. I’m in a slightly different situation but I do know what it feels like to have very little people to help you and you feel alone. Is there no way u could go with your child to ur family so you can think straight or one of the few friends you have as it sounds like he’s not going to be amicable about anything so u will never be able to discuss things or at least not yet. If you want to private message me then please do and if I can help I will.

Hello everyone - sending hugs and hope! It’s my 3rd night in my own home. The kids are due to stay in two nights - at the moment we are sharing them 50:50 that’s the worst bit. It’s been a struggle to get here but even as I look out of the window (no curtains yet!) I feel a great sense of relief.

I hope you are all staying strong and hopeful. We make our own destiny.

That’s great I’m so pleased it’s working out for you. It will get easier once the routine sets in. Stay strong

Thanks @San1809

I have been with my husband for 25 years. I was not unhappy but was not happy either. We are just so different and I never felt I was loved properly, or respected, or appreciated. We have three kids together, grown up but still living with us. He does not make me happy, I feel anxious around him, he does not do much around the house but also does not appreciate the fact that I do more. I really do not want to live with him anymore and that is that. I finally started therapy in January. I wanted us to have couples therapy but he said he was not comfortable talking to a stranger and that we should deal with our own stuff. I continued going by myself and though I was getting somewhere, getting ready for separation to be honest, when Covid struck. Then my husband got laid off and eventually lost his job, now I am stuck...

@loveyourself2020 - hello. This is quite an old thread. Try starting a new one in Relationships and you’ll get a whole heap of love, knowledge and support.