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Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

(727 Posts)
Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:20:52

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

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iwashappyonce Fri 27-Sep-19 10:24:38

I am in a similar position myself. I have a 5yo DC with SEN, in a specialist school etc. And a toddler.

DH also has a Big Job, which trumps everything in our lives - first day of school, children's birthdays, everything.

He will never value what I do alongside his work. And I don't know what to do about it.

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:25:41

It’s bizarre isn’t it? I just don’t get it.

And yet on the rare occasions when he has to mind his own kids, it is officially the Hardest Job Ever.

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Didiusfalco Fri 27-Sep-19 10:28:07

I mean clearly he’s an unreasonable arse, but you know that. If he can understand abstract concepts and doesn’t want a divorce would some mediation or counselling help? Basically - would he listen to a third party?
You’re not being selfish if you divorce him though - far from it.

katmarie Fri 27-Sep-19 10:29:48

Probably, bluntly, because his values and yours are simply not the same. I had an ex like this he didn't see/accept/understand that what I did at home facilitated what he did at work. In his mind, he'd have done the same and achieved the same whether I was in the picture or not. So it was irrelevant what I did, and my contribution was worth nothing because it wasn't hard cash.

I think you can spend a lot of time trying to get him to understand your perspective, and trying to understand his. However fundamentally you need him to be open to changing his values on a basic level. Only you know if he's capable of that. If you think it's a possibility, then I'd suggest counselling as an option. If he's not likely to be open to that then, sadly you have to decide what you're prepared to live with.

I will say this though, kids do best in a happy home. It's not selfish or immoral to take action to make sure they have that, even if it means upending the current situation and causing short term upheaval. in fact given the short term stress you will inevitably have to go through to make that happen, you can argue it's quite a selfless thing to do. They will pick up on your unhappiness eventually, and will worry about you, worry about the disparity of the relationship, or worse, learn this is what relationships should be like, and carry that into their own futures.

Bananalanacake Fri 27-Sep-19 10:31:04

he's a selfish git and that sounds like financial abuse. was he really spending 8 grand on a holiday?

Daffodil2018 Fri 27-Sep-19 10:31:41

He's a twat. Why don't you have a joint account?

VeThings Fri 27-Sep-19 10:32:21

Work our how much pay you have forgone by being a SAHM. If you want to be completely logical about it, work out the costs of a FT nanny and any overtime (for overnight work trips, staying late at office etc) and a cleaner across the years you’ve been at home. Take 50% off his earnings and 50% off what you would have earned - this would have been the position you’d both have been in at a MINIMUM.

Add on the fact that you’d have probably done all the extra work - organising therapies, appointments, keeping the house ticking over etc. He’s had a good ride - able to earn all that money with no ‘cost’ associated to it and no life admin as you’ve done it all. He’ll find a way of adding in the housing costs etc, but you’d have paid for those equally out of your salaries and you have no doubt I ceased the equity in your home.

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:32:59

Katmarie . In his mind, he'd have done the same and achieved the same whether I was in the picture or not.

Yes! This!

He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

I am an intelligent woman but this gives me a headache.

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Windydaysuponus Fri 27-Sep-19 10:33:53

Send him an invoice each week for 50% of childcare.
He is a grade A twat.

Fatshedra Fri 27-Sep-19 10:34:02

I imagined, foolishly, that once DH retired from his Big Job we would share all the tedious household work that I had done on my own for years.
NO WAY. He was still too important to fritter his time on anything he didn't want to do.
I would divorce him immediately and find yourself a lovely nanny or similar to help with the DCs and get yourself a life , you only get one remember, DH does what makes him happy, you should be doing what makes you happy and living with a selfish hit cantbe it!

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:34:52

Bananalanacake yes, not all in one go, and that’s for all five of us across the year.

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VeThings Fri 27-Sep-19 10:35:19

Also I actually don’t think it’s worth investing all that time in proving anything (was just giving you some logic to do so).

He doesn’t appreciate you and is likely to never see your contribution to be as valid as his. I would not take anything he says about you being ‘immoral’ seriously - he’s just trying to keep the money and his image as a family man together. He’s pushing the blame on to you and making you feel guilty so he can feel smug that it wasn’t him that caused a split (by completely ignoring the value and sacrifices you have made for your family).

Fatshedra Fri 27-Sep-19 10:35:33

Sorry Git not hit, in case you hadn't guessed.

sparkly72 Fri 27-Sep-19 10:37:46

He doesn't value you or respect you. His ingrained beliefs are totally out of line with yours ( and any sane person I think).
There is no arguing with a man who sees you as the home help.
Get a shit hot lawyer and leave the twat.. you are worth more

Deecaff Fri 27-Sep-19 10:38:09

Two words : Financial abuse.

Have you had any counselling as a couple?
Is he abusive in any other way?

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:39:17

VeThings he has had an excellent ride. I’ve effectively covered all the childcare for 10 years and paid him for the privilege.

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dontgobaconmyheart Fri 27-Sep-19 10:39:23

Presumably because at his core he has some very 'traditional' (sexist) views about the roles of women- his treatment of you is not equal, it's pretty shocking OP. Overdrawn and doing back breaking work in order that he doesn't need to and can go out and earn big money and enjoy the spoils? confused

I'd work on understanding how you got here and why you are going along with it, rather than focus on the abstract reasons he won't understand. He does 'understand' - but what he understands is that you exist in a different way to him, as a wife and mother, and he is happy with his value judgements on that. They aren't likely to change and it's not for you to take on another job in the form of getting him not to be a sexist and selfish idiot and turn into a respectful grown up man who wants more for his wife and cares about her happiness.

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:41:54

Deecaff yes we have had kids of counselling. He was brought up in abject poverty and his attitude to financial control stems from a fear of that ever happening again to our children.

I can’t get my head around the double standard of how exhausting it is for HIM to have the kids but for me, it’s a piece of piss.

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CandyLeBonBon Fri 27-Sep-19 10:43:16

My ex was the same as was my financial situation. He still begrudges paying for our children because, in his words, 'I wanted them'.

You can't argue with it. They will never see your worth.

Tonnerre Fri 27-Sep-19 10:43:35

I suspect a good solicitor will put him right.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName Fri 27-Sep-19 10:44:42

Sounds awful OP. Financial abuse from an entitled twat. He won’t change as he doesn’t fundamentally see the issue. You could try counselling I guess, but it sounds like communication has broken down badly. My dad, now retired, never did any of the female tasks, my mum did absolutely everything for us. She (foolishly) thought that when they both retired he’d do his fair share as he doesn’t have the burden of being the breadwinner anymore, well guess what, he doesn’t lift a finger and is lazy and entitled. I love him because he’s my dad, but he makes me so mad... think about how your kids see the situation in the future, because I wish my mum had left my dad and been free of the drudgery of her life washing his smalls.

AlunWynsKnee Fri 27-Sep-19 10:45:55

He doesn't see you or the dc as enhancing his life. After a divorce he would be in the same position as if he'd stayed single indicates that he doesn't feel losing his family is losing anything.

Suewiththeredford Fri 27-Sep-19 10:46:03

Dontgobaconmyheart, I don’t know how I can have been with someone for so long and not noticed this deep seated illogical misogyny. I wasn’t the “little missus” when we met and yet somehow he expects that now. We don’t have any joint finances except the one account the DLA is paid into. He has refused point blank to do so and for the first few years it didn’t matter because I had my own money anyway.

Now he is saying he is bankrolling me, and I should be a lot more grateful.

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Musti Fri 27-Sep-19 10:48:06

Yes, had similar with my ex. We have now split, I'm loving being back at work, having my own money and I get lots of free time because he shares custody with me.

Honestly, do not stay with that idiot. Split up and he will have to pay maintenance and look after his kids on his own. Go back to work, even if it's part time and be free of him.

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