Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

Oops, had missed your latest update.

The kids said “she has a very round head and likes Star Trek.”
Your kids sound hilarious!
& yeah - keep them, & yourself, away from your vile mother.

Congratulations on your escape

[AnotherEmma]

Great update. Glad you're doing so well.

Out of interest, how did the financial settlement work out? Did you get to keep the family home and get a fair share of the assets?

[category12]

@billy1966

No truer words.

So pleased for you OP.

Keep that nasty old crone out of your life, she has never wished you well.

Hard to comprehend but when you accept it, it will help you detach permanentlyfrom her and her toxicity.

Continue living your best life.

Apologies for my extremely rude nosiness....but what was the financial settlement like?........was it agonisingly painful for him?...was it?...was it?🙏😁

🤣🤣

I really hope so.

[MsTSwift]

I am visualising your mother as Joanna Lumley in Motherland ….

[SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain]

Well done OP. The best revenge etc. What a massive massive cunt he is.

[Suewiththeredford]

The settlement - we both felt slightly stung which is probably a sign of a fair cut. We kept our pension arrangements, and he pays maintenance for the kids, on the nose, but not a penny more.

We had a clean break save for a nominal £1 a year (section 28 (1a) bar) - my barrister held out for hours for that, so if my income goes tits up again I can revisit the settlement. He absolutely fucking hates that.

I kept the house and equity, and that REALLY stuck in his craw, because he knew I hated the house but kept it for the kids, and argued that all day, via the briefs, that I needed consistency for the kids etc, which is true.

Im still in the house, but, the day it was signed over to me, I put it on the market and that sent him absolutely bonkers! I😂I was only interested in one particular house (😉with a moat)
which as it happened, I didn’t get, so I have no plans to move now, but it felt good to be able to make decisions for myself. I’ve had the interior redone, all dark and moody which I would never have been allowed to do.

Ive travelled more in the last year, with my lovely chap, than I’ve done in the 15 years previously. We laugh and snog and shag and laugh and sleep and eat and shag and laugh again! He arrived one weekend with his tool kit and did loads of jobs around the house that the ex forbade me from getting done. He arrived another time with a massive roast dinner, still hot, in a special bag! We are very very fortunate to have found each other.

Im still astounded at how controlling and entitled my ex was; how he felt he had the right to make literally every decision.

He looks like shit, he’s still smoking 20+ a day, the kids come back stinking, he doesn’t go out anywhere with them or do anything with them and they’re already less keen to go. It’s just easier and nicer to be at home and he’s so very boring.

I’ve lost 4 stone, am toned, I’ve had a bit of a facial tidy-up and I have weekly cbt to undo the damage that a shitty marriage and a shitty mother did. I am pretty close to being totally unfucked.

It feels very, very good!

[Suewiththeredford]

@MsTSwift

I am visualising your mother as Joanna Lumley in Motherland ….

Oh yes I saw that! And yes that’s a good representation!

[teastas]

Wow! What an amazing turn around. Go you!!!!!

[billy1966]

I am so pleased for you.

Keep your mother well away from this wonderful life you have created for yourself, INSPITE of her, your rearing, and her best efforts!

[Anniegetyourgun]

I remember reading this thread right at the start. So pleased you've come out the other side in such good order. Thank heavens ex failed in attempt to corrupt your excellent DC. And congrats on having found a supportive chap. Onwards and upwards!

[padsi1975]

@Suewiththeredford

CJsGoldfish the children are indeed picking up on this. One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it.”

It’s the single biggest push to get me to leave.

Just read this full thread and this just left me horrified. Speechless at what you endured. Delighted for you that you're finally free. Wishing you a fab future.

[Newestname002]

My word - your mother and your ex deserve to be in a deep dark hole together until eternity. I really hope you will hold them both off with a very long barge pole until they consume each other.

I'm SO very pleased you are now in a good place - and hurrah for your new chap. He sounds a good'un. Glad to see there's sunlight in your life now - long may that last! 🌹

[Adarajames]

So great to read such a wonderful update, go you Op, you are strong and brave and just down right amazing! Hope all continues on the up 😀

[module]

This has made my day! I've reread all your posts OP, it all came back. Brilliant.

[Windydaysuponus]

As cheesey as people say the expression is but Living Your Best Life is the best revenge! Your ex must be seething!!! Well bloody done op!!

[Smartstuffed]

I remembered your thread, mainly because of the mind games your ex played hiding your bank cards. It was heartening to read your progress and especially your most recent updates. You were resolute and have won through. So pleased to see you are happy and able to enjoy life with your children and have found a lovely man too!

(Good call on the part of your barrister to insist on the nominal £1 payment.)

[Smartstuffed]

Correction: not 'mainly' because of the card hiding, but that did stay with me.

[ShinyHappyTits]

I spent the time I should have used doing the hoovering reading this thread from the beginning and it was totally worth the grubby carpets.
Your last post made tears come to my eyes, how completely and utterly you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. And the nice thing is that you don’t hate him-he doesn’t even get that space in your head.

All the very, very best going forward OP, wishing you a life full of laughter, shagging and happiness with your new man x

[possomblossom]

Well @Suewiththeredford I read your updates with something in my eye and an enormous, expanding smile on my face. It seems to me you have shed a lot more than 4 stone 😁I'm so glad I took the plunge and asked for the update. It made my day.
I am so delighted for you and your family and wish you continued and increasing happiness in the future💐

[piedbeauty]

What a brilliant update. Well done, op, on everything! Wishing you all the best for the future.

[Tonnerre]

He pays his new girlfriend, a solicitor, to do the cleaning? I know you will neither know nor care, but you have to wonder why he doesn't just pay a professional cleaner. He clearly does like his partners to Know Their Place.

[Jux]

Just found this again!

What a brilliant update! Well done to you!🌟🌈🎉🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈

Live a good life ♥️

[ApolloandDaphne]

I solved Semantle #421 in 62 guesses. My first guess had a similarity of 11.28. My first word in the top 1000 was at guess #31. My penultimate guess had a similarity of 6.99. semantle.com/

[ApolloandDaphne]

Sorry wrong thread