Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

I am an intelligent woman but this gives me a headache

Because it's rubbish.

Do the sums as suggested upthread. Then divorce him and go for 70% of everything, using the data about what you've foregone and how being married to him has cost you almost everything, materially speaking.

What he's been doing, it's financial abuse.

The penny seems to be dropping that I’ll leave and he’s all smiley and reconciliatory. He said he wants to work things out and that his “door is open.” As my friend said, it sounds like the sort of thing you would say to an employee.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has

He's an ignorant twat.
Until the children, you earned the same.
While raising the children, you contributed £8k a year that he spent on holidays.
He also managed to spend over £7k a year on his sole hobby.
However, while raising the childen, you had no access to cash of your own, compromised your long-term career & pension prospects, & singlehandedly managed all domestic & childcare.

He hass the gall to talk about "contributing to the family finances" to a woman who is overdrawn purely because she is his wife. A woman who has seen him lavish £15k a year on holidays & his own hobby.

"Selfish & immoral" is right. Only it's not you - it's him.

Forget about making him see the right of the matter, & focus on ensuring that YOUR furture prospects are taken care of in the divorce settlement.

It sounds drastic but could you arrange an emergency situation (eg your Mum is ill) that requires you to leave DH with the DCs for a few days so he has to take time off work and do everything, oh and accidentally remove his bank card so he has less easy access to money. His salary should be family money and it should be in a joint account, and spending should broadly be agreed between you (his hobby spending sounds excessive). I had the Big Job in my family and my account was changed to a joint account as soon as DH stopped earning. I could never have imagined leaving DH with the DCs and no income (except CB which we did get back then).

There is no way that your children wouldn't be picking up on his attitude towards you.
You can either show them that it is not acceptable and not ok or you can continue to model to them that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

I wish you and your children the best OP

Just look blankly at him and say 'There's no door.'

And take as much as you can. Not half. You're entitled to more than half. His solicitor will soon spell this out for him.

It's exactly what you'd say to an employee.

He's financially abusing you. Sounds like emotionally too.

Hand in your notice.

We need to split up but he’s shitting himself that I may take half.

TAKE HALF.

You've earned it, & he can afford it.
Anything less is kowtowing to his vision of you as his "financial albatross". The entitled, misogynistic bastard.

I suspect a good solicitor will put him right.

^

This, really.

I was married to one of these.
Who told me I should be grateful as he allowed me have my "silly little job".
Note "was".

CJsGoldfish the children are indeed picking up on this. One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it.”

It’s the single biggest push to get me to leave.

TAKE HALF.

Why would you not go for half? Take half. Include the pension. It’s legal recognition of the fuckloads you’ve done for him to have his BIJ. So he should be shitting himself ,it’s because he knows your contribution counts. You will still be doing the major load for the children, get his support in financial terms in agreeing the break.
Bonus that you don’t like the house.

"His door is open"

I don't think I could have resisted replying "I know. I'm planning to walk straight through it. Don't let it hit you when I slam it firmly closed behind me"

What an arse! Sorry OP that you've ended up with someone that values you so little.

As to why he thinks this?? Fuck knows, though a poor childhood will have certainly contributed there's clearly a whole load of misogyny thrown in to the mix too.

I hope you win your case OP to enable you a comfortable split, then enjoy watching him realise that he's now going to have to pay you hefty maintenance too.

It’s the single biggest push to get me to leave

Fuck me that is disgusting. Don't leave, he can leave - why should the children be uprooted because their DF is a self centred, greedy shit?

You really need to be getting legal advice on how best to proceed.

And yes - half is yours. No question about it.

I bet he's being lovely, whilst hiding assets as quickly as he can.

You are right to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour as quickly as you can.

Since you were in the same job, on the same money when you met, if you hadn't met him, you'd be earning the same, he's cost you that much per year. Has he thought of it that way.

I'd ask him, whilst being concilitory to immediately pay off all your overdraft/debt. Also for a joint account.
If he won't, there's your answer.

Do you know this is financial abuse?

I’m a SAHM and have equal access to joint money. Obviously large spends are discussed together but not the every day food, insurance, kids clothes. DH and I also have an equal amount of pocket money for personal spends eg hair cuts, make up clothes, cocktails or whatever we each want.

He sounds like a complete abusive arsehole.I hope you have a really shit hot lawyer who will take this bastard to the cleaners. Make sure you get and take everything you are entitled to, including his pension. And as PP above said make sure you know about all his assets and he's not hiding anything.

He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

The same is true for you . If you hadn't met this twat you wouldn't have had the kids that need looking after and you would still have your Big Job.

And I would tell him that if you don't get the house you are planning on buying, the children have to have a roof over their heads so they will be staying put in the family home so either he moves out or he takes over the child care.

Oh @Suewiththeredford I am SO sorry -
One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it.”

Daddy is an abusive shit.
He has abused mummy financially, & is now abusing her emotionally, with his financial albatrossing & door opening.
He knows exactly what he has done, hence the smarming for reconciliation.

Good luck in getting your children free of his toxic beliefs, & yourself financially compensated & reinstated, asap.

As pp said above, you could go for something like 70%. Please make sure you do. You were also a high flyer with a BIG JOB. You not only lost out on that, but the arsehole kept you short of funds while YOU contributed your £8k to HIM, & while you managed on DLA payments & his stingy groceies contribution.

You have earned the right to be compensated properly for all you have given up, all you have contributed, & the abuse you have been given.

Yes I know it’s financial abuse.

My solicitor was like this —>

I just can’t work out how we got to this point. The other night my car was off the road and I asked could I take his, a short trip of about 10 miles and he said yes but he wanted a fiver for petrol. So I gave it to him because I wanted to see if he’s the sort of man that will take a fiver off his own wife, and he took it.

I hope you get far more than half. What a pig. I’m so glad you seem strong enough to take him on.

Omg. The £5.

I sincerely hope this money comes through for you. But in the meantime speak to your solicitor - not one he uses - and see what your entitlenment is even without this potential money. No matter what happens you cannot stay with him, he's being abusive. See how he likes his weekends and mid week nights with the kids when he has to do everything. He'll damn well realise the efforts your put in for years, just to keep the household going. Fucking Neanderthal!