Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Amazing that he's gone. Shit that it had to reach the point of being arrested for that to happen, bloody hell.
Don't feel you have to update but I'm nosily wondering how your own legal thing was going?

Hi @suewiththeredford I hope you're doing ok

@AlunWynsKnee

He doesn't see you or the dc as enhancing his life. After a divorce he would be in the same position as if he'd stayed single indicates that he doesn't feel losing his family is losing anything.

This^ His family is nothing more than household decorations and photo ops. Not even valuable enough to replace it he lost it. Leave now. Gather your paperwork, line up your ducks and find a new path. If he can't feel any pain in losing his family, maybe he can feel the pain of alimony and child support? If he feels pain it proves he is human.

How are you doing Sue? I think about you now and again and wonder how you all are?

Hey TheHop, I’m good. We are all fine, and I’m STILL in a euphoric haze of relief and happiness that it’s over. I don’t wish him any harm at all, and beyond the practicalities of the kids, I rarely think of him. It’s the small things - I’ve just done the school run and it’s a warm breezy day here, and I strolled home. Previously I would have been on edge thinking about how soon I’d have to be back because he would be questioning me and then lining up a list of things I hadn’t done properly. So I try not to give him any headspace and it’s not hard, frankly. I feel alive.

Just read through the thread and I'm so glad he's gone! Enjoy your freedom

Sounds great.

Good for you.

I have just read this whole thread (OP's posts only), and could feel the absolute RAGE building up inside me.

Where do these men get off? If, as a couple, you decide to have 3 children, it's pretty obvious that one person will have to give up their career to care for them, especially if there are SN. Even without SN, most people could not earn enough to pay for 3x nursery fees. So, as a household, the income will be less, the outgoings will be more, and as a team you budget for that and decide who will work, and all earnings are family money.

What about if he had given up his career? Where would his money come from then? Doh. I mean, are they monumentally thick?

I really hope you took him to the cleaners, and got every single penny you could.

My ExH pleaded poverty when we divorced. He was also in a Big Job. Whereas, I had reduced to part time hours, to cover child care. He subsequently lied to CMS, telling them that his salary was £34,000, despite it being £80,000 the year before. They took him at his word. For some reason, in 2014 the CMS got his salary details from HMRC - £134,500 p/a . Despite this, they believed him when he told them that his salary for 2015 was £60,000 (no job change). They were crap, and I ended up about £13,000 down on child support overall.
ExH moaned to anyone who would listen, that I stole his pension. Er, no, we added the pensions together and divided by 2. You only had a bigger pension then me, because you continued in Big Job, because you had free childcare at home provided by me. AARGH. These me are twats.

You are well rid. Well done!!

So happy to read you are finally free 💕

Just been reading your thread...it was quite a ride!

So glad that you are free, happy and moving forward. You're an amazing woman

I remember reading this thread. So glad to see you're out and living your life, here's to hoping for a quick resolution to it all

I've just seen your update @Suewiththeredford.

Hooray!!!!

Hello! OP here again, for some reason I can’t log in with my original username so I’m using this one again, just to update…

So, as you’ll see above, my stb ExH was removed by the police in Oct 2020 and has been living an hour away since.

I (finally) won my legal case and the third of the children was diagnosed with ASD and his EHCP is going through. I’m still in the family home and he sees the kids overnight for on average one night a fortnight.

The bloody divorce still isn’t finalised and he’s predictably been an arse. He doesn’t pay any maintenance but is covering the mortgage, which is a similar figure, and also means he can’t exert power over me the way he used to. Before I won my case he was also paying £120 a week for the children but on the weeks he picked them up to see him, he docked me £20 for petrol money. Seriously.

Anyway we have the FDR coming up (this is the first court bit, I think that’s what it’s called) and he’s submitted a Without Prejudice offer which, even knowing what an utter dick he is, was rubbish.

I don’t get it. I never will. He has bleated about avoiding court endlessly and yet has offered the same offer he put originally - a pretty much 50/50 split of all the assets and the removal of his premarital pension from the pot.

He’s arguing that his housing needs are the same as mine (how? He hardly sees the kids and he’s miles away) and that their SEN are not a problem at all and they will be able to live independently so no need for any special measures in that regard. All of this is without any evidence whereas I have enough reports and assessments to paper the walls, demonstrating the details of our children’s disabilities. He doesn’t even do parents evening.

He’s also suggested that we take out similar sized mortgages, despite his earning double, and is insisting that the family home is sold. One of my children can’t tolerate any change AT ALL and he’s completely discounted that saying “no child likes change”.

It’s weird. It is so far away from anything I would even consider. Why bother? The offer also had a few vitriolic digs about how he had a house when we married. So did I! But that’s been erased.

And finally, he’s repeating a narrative that it isn’t safe for him to be in the same building as me because he says I have lied about what he’s done and made false accusations. He simply cannot own what he did - the coercion and bullying and financial abuse, all of which is documented. I actually think he stays away because he doesn’t trust himself not to lose his shit entirely at me. He still sees fit to swear and rant at me given half a chance, “fucking slut” being his insult of choice lately.

Anyway apart from him being a dick, the rest of my life is really very VERY lovely!

If anyone has any insights I’d love to hear them!

No insights, other than he is just an arse but you know that all too well. Nice to get an update, which seems basically positive, at least when not about wanker.

My friend got a 70/30 split with just one child. and none of you problems. Did you find out how much savings he had, and other items you didn't know you owned. My friend found out they had a 3rd house.

FDR - is the first step. It is meant to avoid an actual court hearing. It is like a short dry run of a court hearing. And actual judge will look at your two submissions and issue a ‘ruling’ on the bits where you disagree. That ‘ruling’ is a directional to how a real court may look at the facts at hand.
You and your lawyers will then have a bit of time to discuss and possibly come to an agreement.
FDR ruling isn’t binding, but if you agree - it then becomes binding.

I have been through an FDR. And my ex also had come in with a low ball offer and claimed I can easily get a well paying job after a long career break and child care requirements. This is pretty normal strategy.

What I’ll say - is make sure your side is well prepared. Your statements needs to be well structured/written - imagine that the FDR judge will have only limited time to familiarise themself with your filing. So - the clearer you can be while laying out your position - the best. Also - given that your kids have special needs - this must affect things - be very explicit and use all the evidence (in attachments).

As to his housing needs - they will be considered similar to yours as when he does have kids they need appropriately sized house. Housing requirement doesn’t really take into account how many days kids spend with him/you. It’s about the number of kids and what space they need when they are with each parent.

Since you said he has Big Job - I presume he makes more than the top end salary for CMS determination of child maintenance. I hope your solicitors are filing for the top-up to the CMS (as per Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989)

My barrister also had a summary in the end of all the points of disagreement, in order of importance. This was a great help.
During the FDR - we managed to actually agree on most of the important points.

Court is expensive and it does deplete assets further. So in the end my exH thought it wasn’t worth it for a channel to maybe get a better deal. He was forced to compromise above his offer. I also had to compromise on my ask.
So both of our proposals had wiggle room.

Hello Suewith, I hope things are going OK for you. I think about you often and hope that you and your children are doing well.

Rereading the OP'S post.

What a horror story.

Not by accident the OP has a dreadful mother.

She deserves to die alone.

I so hope you and your children are well and that awful waster dies screaming after years and years of painful ill-health 😁

Well hello there!!!

Thanks so much for thinking of me!

The TLDR is that the divorce finally came through last summer, he has a “new” squeeze who I think he was actually warming up for quite some time before we split. The kids said “she has a very round head and likes Star Trek.” He tells me constantly that she is a solicitor, but also that she doesn’t drive and he pays her to do a bit of cleaning. Aye right. I wish he had gone years before.

He is still a controlling fucked up dick, but he isn’t my problem. I’m very very happy with life, the kids are, despite all my fears, doing really well and are happy. It’s hard cos it’s all on me, but it was largely like that anyway, before he went.

He has pissed me off recently with his utter shititude about parenting, and the lack thereof.

I met someone else, who is kind and funny and respectful and just all round lovely. I have no plans to move in together, he has his space and I have mine. Ex husband is outraged I’ve got on with my life and does everything he can to sabotage it, but im pretty wiley.

And my mother? Well she reached new heights of narcissism last year, and it transpired that she had kept in touch with ex. She could just about cope with us splitting up because she could tell people he was working away or something, but when I started seeing my Chap, she went loopy. She cannot be happy for me and doesn’t want a divorced daughter. So we had a giant row and she said that she recognised I’m happier and fitter and healthier than I’ve ever been, but that if I had been like this when I was married, my ex wouldn’t have been difficult, and that I deliberately ruined my marriage by being “dowdy and slovenly” in the hope he would leave, and that she had been saving me, and my marriage, by trying to keep my ex happy.
The mental gymnastics of that are painful. We haven’t spoken since. She has texted one of the kids (the one she likes) but ignored the other two, even at Christmas and birthdays. I have no plans to get in touch.

It's amazing how often you see the combo of toxic mother + toxic husband - well done you for dealing so effectively with them both. You don't need that in your life, plenty of really great people out there that you can build a family network from. I'm really glad you're thriving.

Wow op! Go you! Look how much your life has improved in under four years! Toxic people be gone.

your kids are thriving, you are fitter and happier than ever and you have clear vision with regards to your ex and your mother.

hopefully some other women who are in the same place as you were originally can take a little something from this for themselves.

He pays his partner to clean??

Fantastic update 😊

No truer words.

So pleased for you OP.

Keep that nasty old crone out of your life, she has never wished you well.

Hard to comprehend but when you accept it, it will help you detach permanentlyfrom her and her toxicity.

Continue living your best life.

Apologies for my extremely rude nosiness....but what was the financial settlement like?........was it agonisingly painful for him?...was it?...was it?🙏😁

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

Tell him to piss off with his Big Job attitude - he hasn't contributed to raising HIS children like you have.

Also - you don't need his agreement or permission.
Stop listening to him - he financially abused you, your divorce will see the end of that, & you with a fair share of the marital assets.