Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Stop trying. Stop talking. Stop explaining. Done. You now need to be clever. I have one like this. I’ve tried for 20 years. There is nothing that can be done. I saw a solicitor (best money I’ve ever spent). I highly recommend spending an hour with somebody very experienced. They will explain what you are entitled to. It’s worth it for the self esteem boost alone. Mine told me that he has been advising women for decades. In his vast experience it’s a huge red flag to a solicitor when there’s a long relationship and no joint bank account. It spells trouble/controlling/deluded spouse and it tells the solicitor everything they need to know about the state of the relationship. Go see somebody. Get your ship in order. Divorce and get your finances sorted. You won’t regret it. Sod living with that crap your entire life. Even if you live alone with a dog it’s got to be better than that

Fresta I’m not entirely sure either. It has been so very full on with the kids that I don’t think I looked up. Plus I had a different financial arrangement for some years which meant I WAS contributing financially on top of being a SAHM.

Every single time I would bring up finances/expenditure he would go mad. We had an arrangement when I had my eldest that I would write down everything I spent and he would pay his bit towards it, based on whatever % we were working on at the time. Then we would sit down each month and go through it. He would go through every item and make me justify it, or argue come months why he shouldn’t pay his bit, or go on about how financially profligate I am (and I’m really not) and on top of three tiny kids whom it turned out, 2 have SN, I’d find it too exhausting so I just would step back and clam up.

Heartbreakin I’ve instructed a solicitor.

I would be straight to the lawyers for divorce if my OH had instilled those views in my kids.

As a second choice, I would be back to work FT, and he would have to deal with half the childcare. See how well he can handle his Big Job then. Interesting that your £8k went for joint spending (family holidays), but his money is carefully controlled by him - "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too".

In his mind, he'd have done the same and achieved the same whether I was in the picture or not [...] He says that if he hadn’t met me then he wouldn’t have had the kids so they wouldn’t have needed looking after, and his career was established before he met me.

So the status quo before marriage is an indication of where you would be after marriage without kids. You had an equivalent career before you met him too. And now you don't have one. So by his logic, you wouldn't have had kids if you hadn't met him, so he's directly responsible for the loss of your career?

I would stop doing everything for him as of now. Look after you and your kids but leave him to sort himself out. No washing, cooking, ironing, nothing. He will then begin to get a taste of what his life is about to become.

His attitude stinks. I’m glad you can see it and will change it.

why you continued to be one for so long when you had a highflying job beforehand

My job involved a lot of travel, mostly UK but plenty of overnights. All the kids are KS2 now but 2 have significant continence issues and we would have needed specialist wraparound childcare plus I would still need to be around for all of their meetings, I can’t delegate those.

This has to be the most frustrating and heartbreaking post that I have ever read on MN.

Op, you are entitled to more than 50%, because you are the person who lost their career and future earning prospects, in order to care for the children In legal terms, I believe it is called "Economic Recompense" when you get more of the assets for this reason.

Whatever settlement you may get from this other court case, DO NOT walk away from this marriage with one penny less than you are entitled to. If you do, you will regret it. When the dust settles and you see him spending money on a new woman, if you haven't taken everything you're due, you will seethe.

Important --> Photocopy his payslips and P60's, because I have a strong feeling that he will not want to pay you the correct amount of Child Support, and will lie to the CMS about his income (my ex managed to convince the CMS that he earned £34k, when he actually earned £134k. I have no idea how he managed that). He also used to say that he was "funding my lifestyle" when he paid child maintenance.

Does he not understand that you lost your Big Job and salary, in order to care for HIS children? He must be as thick as 2 short planks. He'll never get it. You have to walk away now : the comments from your children are truly shocking and he is brainwashing them.

...the second part of that logic is that, of course, everyone has free will.

You chose to have kids. And your career suffering was the consequence.

He also chose to have kids. His career would have suffered had you not been the buffer.

...and if he can't see that, then there's no hope for the relationship (which is the point I think you're at anyway).

I wouldn't stop doing everything for him because that will tip him off I was just act normal

I totally get why you would want to punish him and stop doing things for him but think long term and be strategic.
he is obviously very easily triggered about financial things and if he's triggered that stops him from thinking clearly and logically ....you can be the better strategist here

I'm actually really angry on your behalf. Like proper angry that anyone could be treated to fucking appallingly by their husband. And he is so wrong it's insane. Judge Judy would tear this arsehole to SHREDS.

Tell him whilst you haven't been contributing financially he's not contributed to family life and your family won't miss his contribution.

So the status quo before marriage is an indication of where you would be after marriage without kids. You had an equivalent career before you met him too. And now you don't have one. So by his logic, you wouldn't have had kids if you hadn't met him, so he's directly responsible for the loss of your career?

Just what I was thinking but LannieDuck explained what my very angry brain was about to explode over.

Holy fuck this is one of the worst I have read on here. What an absolute twat.

He's shitting himself because he'll have to have the kids on his own part of the week.

I bet you can't wait to get your own place.

Just keep thinking how better your life is going to be.

Don't fall for his bullshit, this is your DC's future and financial security so you need to get what is owed for their sake.

You know what, he just can't be that thick though, can he? So he does get it, but chooses to try to make the Op feel like a financial drain, for some unknown reason? Hate? I honestly cannot think of anything else.

the fact that you haven’t been contributing financially

@PuffHuffle5, OP has been contributing £8k a year of her own money to the family pot.

I can’t wait to get out of this now. I have just chased the solicitor on my legal case to see if we can’t speed up a bit. I’m using a different firm for the divorce stuff. In any event it’s all likely to be sorted one way or another in the next 3 months so that’s not v long. The divorce solicitor recommended sorting the first legal case first because it would have a big impact on my finances and it’s better to have a clear picture of where we are.

I actually went to see a counsellor a couple of years ago to try and get my head around the dissonance around my husband. The counsellor at the time focussed in on my turbulent relationship with my mother and it became all about that instead. But I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

So the status quo before marriage is an indication of where you would be after marriage without kids. You had an equivalent career before you met him too. And now you don't have one. So by his logic, you wouldn't have had kids if you hadn't met him, so he's directly responsible for the loss of your career?

That’s what he reckons. Plus he brought more money into the marriage - his house was £120k whereas mine was £60k for example.

Well done OP for instructing a solicitor , keep your powder dry and get as much info as you can about his finances as you proceed even if that means being nice to him so he can’t hide assets .
I’m excited for you that you will get to live a life caring for your kids as you are now but not having to wash this cunts underwear into the bargain and hopefully be better off financially than you are now . It will be like a breath of fresh air for you .

What a bastard he is. Hopefully you will get your settlement in court and then take him to the cleaners!

I cannot believe your youngest called you lazy good for nothing.

Fucking hell.

I would absolutely go for broke here. You've contributed financially over and above the odds ON TOP of taking on all specialist and basic care for the joint children. Take as much as you can possibly fight for.

Look, he will absolutely no doubt about it try and hide as much money and fight you for every penny so you might as well think of your kids' futures right now and fight the skinflint sexist twat as hard as you can while you have the chance.

Why does he think like this? - because he is deficient and unintelligent as well as misogynistic (you could argue that to be misogynistic you have to have a certain level of dumb anyway). Add in that he's a taker and here you are.

You could always point out that the logical end point of refusing to see your family as a team project and reducing it to 'me = earns money, therefore money mine' leads to 'you = have children, therefore children yours'. Would he say that he should keep his money and you the children and therefore no more kids for him, they aren't 'his bit' so he should never see them again once you divorce? Mmm I suspect not. But to be honest I wouldn't bother, who gives a shit whether he gets it?

Your satisfaction will come from the divorce settlement and when he's howling away that his pension should be his and you should have to suck up the fact that you don't have one as you spent your earning years, err, caring for HIS KIDS - you can just say 'Well, it looks like your understanding of how all this works has been shown to be quite deficient. Maybe you should shut up for a change, you are clearly stupid.'

I strongly suggest you hire a forensic accountant. He will be hiding money.

And get an absolutely shit hot lawyer who will go for at least 70% of the house, long term spousal maintenance due to SN childcare needs plus half his pension. Oh and not a penny of your incoming potential legal stuff. Make DAMN SURE that you are clear that during the marriage you were NOT actually a SAHM - you contributed financially out of your own pocket and he bled that dry while keeping control over savings which should have been joint as a result. He's a scammer.

By the way, are you sure that waiting until after your case is concluded is a good thing, if it means you have more funds? He will argue that should be taken into account.

Well done op. I'm not sure what your financial break is going to be but wouldn't it be better to wait until you're divorced so that it can all go to you and not be counted as a marital asset?

You don't have to convince or justify anything to him from now on. Waste your breath. Get legal advice and get what you're entitled to. Also immediately stop doing any cooking and washing etc for him. Every other weekend make sure he looks after the kids whilst you go away to see friends and if you can also do that on a few evenings a week. Yes, whilst you're a sahm you will look after the children full time whilst he's at work but after that it is 50/50. Do not negotiate. If he wants you to look after them whilst it's his turn, then he has to pay upfront.

Do look at getting back into work - that will give you a break and boost your confidence.

If you've split up, you will be entitled to benefits.

He’s a financially abusive cunt, that’s why.

Are you sure you want to sort the first legal case first?

I thought that any assets gained during the course of a marriage were joint assets, so if the first legal case is sorted before the divorce, then any money you get from it will go in the "pot" to be divided up.

I may be wrong tho.

Nothing to add but thinking of you and wishing you well OP . You deserve so much better.