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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

775 replies

Suewiththeredford · 27/09/2019 10:20

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

OP posts:
HelloYouTwo · 27/09/2019 12:23

So pleased you are divorcing him. I was going to ask if he has a life insurance policy in the case of your death? If so, that would point to the fact he realises that without you he would be fucked as he’d have to care for his own children (unless of course he has a DM that would facilitate his life...).

I honestly think there are men out there who think that women want children and so the children are the woman’s responsibility. As if they were somehow nothing to do with a decision to marry and start a family. It is bizarre. It’s not even old-fashioned, men 100 years ago understood that they needed to provide for their family, it’s just abusive pure and simple. Have you told him that he’s an abusive husband? I wouldn’t keep quiet about that to friends and family.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 12:23

I think if I was in your shoes I would be playing dumb and looking like a bit of a confused disorganised person who doesn't really know what she's entitled to
Behind the scenes get everything shipshape and organised with laser precision!

Krisskrosskiss · 27/09/2019 12:23

Wow! Leave him. This is abusive. It will really damage how the kids grow up thinking about men and women and relationships. Good luck. But you know you woht need it because the law is on your side he is very clearly taking the absolute piss.
I'm sorry you are going through this Flowers

Shortfeet · 27/09/2019 12:24

My goodness. What a strange attitude he has.
Did he actually WANT children ?

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 12:25

Stop trying to explain things and point things out to him and make him see sense, just humour him

HaileySherman · 27/09/2019 12:27

Oh geez, it gives me a headache and raises my blood pressure just thinking about it. He is wrong. It's clear to see. I'd say just take comfort in that.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 12:37

If he's saying he'd be 'better off' (actually the same well-off as he his, because of his selfish practices) if he hadn't met you and had children, then he's telling you that he doesn't love or value you or the children.

Pretty simple really.

NWQM · 27/09/2019 12:38

He won't change his opinion. You can though change your life and should.

Stop telling him your financial plans. You are giving him the time and ideas to start sorting himself out. To once again avoid giving you what you are due.

Act as soon as you can.

CookPassBabtridge · 27/09/2019 12:41

This is awful. Absolutely awful and NOT normal. I can’t believe you are married and are in your overdraft while he has money to spare.. I just don’t get why some families don’t have one shared pot. Raising a family is teamwork. I would feel like shit on a shoe if my DP kept his earnings to himself. Please get out OP.. you get one life and you could be happy.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 12:42

OMG. I hope you win your case and take half too! Why wouldn't you? You're going to find yourself responsible for the children. You need to put their interests - their need for a good home etc - before his.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 12:45

This man is now your opponent
do not give him information about the strategies that you plan to employ
Resist the temptation to score points in the short-term by letting him know that you are cleverer than him or are in a stronger position than him, keep your mouth shut and hold out for the bigger win.
Do not show him your hand, he will assume you have a weak hand (because his default position is that women are always inferior to men and he will underestimate you-use this to your advantage) and he will over play his own hand

TinyTinathy · 27/09/2019 12:45

It sounds like he views your children in the same way he would if he bought you a poodle. He gave them to you and gives you money for them. Everything else is your responsibility.

I honestly think that a lot of this dissonance stems from the fact that most women seem to want kids and most men seem ambivalent about them. Many, if not most, tend to change their tune when the kids arrive, but there's a stalwart group who aren't really emotionally invested at any point and do their duties to avoid social stigma.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/09/2019 12:52

He's just tight, and selfish. There are people like that in this world, doesn't need a long explanation. They'll make you end up broke. Unfortunately I know a good few women wasting years of their life with mean boring men like this, listening to them whinging on about how they do more etc. It's a tedious list of 'he said this and that' just decide if you want to be with someone like that or not, then act accordingly.

IceQueenCometh · 27/09/2019 12:53

What an absolute wanker. Make that solicitor appointment.

bookwormsforever · 27/09/2019 12:54

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

Ask him how he would look after the dc if you dropped dead or ran away and left him.

How much would it cost him to replace all the services you do with: taxi
cook
nanny
cleaner
admin assistant/PA
gardener

Tell him you agreed to have these dc together and it is only BECAUSE you facilitate his entire bloody life that HE can keep his Big Job (while you have the Much Bigger Job of looking after your dc).

Does he value you at all??

He sounds like an absolute bellend. Just reading your post gives me the rage. l'd have buried him under the patio by now.

bookwormsforever · 27/09/2019 12:56

Just read yourt updates.

One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it."

Shock Shock

He is financially abusive.

But you are leaving him.

Good.

katmarie · 27/09/2019 12:56

Take him for every penny op. Hes an utter shit. That financial albatross comment is just vile. My biggest regret is that I wasnt married to my ex with the Very Big Job and so I walked away with nothing but debts. Literally I was homeless, he had two properties. Dont be me, make sure you get everything you're entitled to for you and the kids.

PuffHuffle5 · 27/09/2019 12:57

For the most part I think he is being a twat - but - I do believe when one person in a marriage becomes a stay at home parent then both should be on board with that. It sounds like he has some resentment for the fact that you haven’t been contributing financially. It also sounds like he’s been financially abusive since you started being a SAHM - which makes me wonder why you continued to be one for so long when you had a highflying job beforehand. But as I said, definitely still a twat. I would divorce.

AnotherEmma · 27/09/2019 12:58

Thank fuck you are divorcing the abusive piece of shit.

Your children's comments say it all, don't they?

You'll be better off without him in every way - emotional and financial.

Get the DLA paid into an account in your name only. Now.

(Agree with PP about carer's allowance too.)

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 27/09/2019 12:58

At least you are married. Take this cock-womble to the cleaners then see if he stll has enough money to do his “hobby”.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 13:02

This is a man who is fundamentally incapable of accepting that women are human beings. He thinks women are 'women' - creatures that exist solely for men's benefit; to service men, have and raise men's children, and know their place. You will never change this attitude so get good legal advice and get rid.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 13:04

Men do speak as if children are just pets that women have for their own amusement, were it not for women putting in the work to bring up the children human society would disintegrate and there would be be no big job to make him feel like a big shot

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2019 13:06

I can’t get my head around the double standard of how exhausting it is for HIM to have the kids but for me, it’s a piece of piss
Because OP yur little woman brain is trained to deal with the kids stuff, and there's nothing else going on. He meanwhile has a BIG JIB and is VERY IMPORTANT. His brain is looking after the kids, considering how much better he is at it, thinking about his big job, contemplating his own importance in the Universe etc. He has SO much more to think about on a second by second basis than you ever would so of course it's harder for him. Your silly little woman brain can't comprehend all this tho because you are VERY IMPORTANT.

Any chance of getting the divorce through before your potential windfall? Presumably otherwise he's enticed to half

Fresta · 27/09/2019 13:09

OP, I can't understand how you have allowed yourself to get into this situation. Your DH sounds like a prize nob! Take him to the cleaners and get yourself a life!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2019 13:11

It sounds like he has some resentment for the fact that you haven’t been contributing financially perhaps she should invoice him for half the costs of all the childcare she provides pre and post a hook plus holidays, as well as half the costs for being their children's advocate for all those meetings.

why you continued to be one for so long when you had a highflying job beforehand because it isn't always that easy to get SEN kids into full time childcare, esp if there's medical issues besides the SEN, and that's before you find a job that allows the flexibility of all those school-time meetings.