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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

775 replies

Suewiththeredford · 27/09/2019 10:20

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2019 11:51

Don't try to understand. Don't try to make him understand. Save your mental energy, get the divorce undrrway and leave him to it.

messolini9 · 27/09/2019 11:51

So I gave it to him because I wanted to see if he’s the sort of man that will take a fiver off his own wife, and he took it.

That's the ticket. Keep it up. A few hard months & you can be shot of this creep for good. Hugs & solidarity, sister xxxx

Catmaiden · 27/09/2019 11:57

He took the £5 Shock Angry
What a cunt.
Divorce him ASAP

73Sunglasslover · 27/09/2019 12:02

He's shown himself to be an absolute idiot here. He may just be saying this to continue in his massively selfish vein and not even believe it. Or he is so messed up in his head that he does believe it. Either way I wouldn't waste any time trying to figure out the logic. There clearly isn't any and he's not used to thinking of anyone but himself. Your contribution is invaluable. His is just money. It does matter that you've used all your other funds and he's spent all the family income on himself. I'm really angry on your behalf. Really, really angry. Please don't give in to his attempts to make you doubt yourself. Your gut is telling you he's the one in the wrong and your gut is right.

Sneezewitch · 27/09/2019 12:03

OP regardless of what happens in your other case, for fuck’s sake TAKE WHAT YOU’R OWED from the divorce. You have to stick up for yourself.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/09/2019 12:06

Hes not stupid, and he understands completely what he's doing. The problem is he's a selfish, self centred abuser who has no empathy. Good going on divorcing him. You and your dc will be well rid of him.

My ex used to tell people I'd ripped him off when I bought him out of the house. I gave him exactly 50% of the equity. We even used the higher of the valuations, so he probably got more than he should have. He would tell people he had paid the mortgage for 20 years and came out with a pittance. The reason he came out with little was because he'd remortgaged the house several time to fund his hobby! I used to consider him intelligent too

Windydaysuponus · 27/09/2019 12:07

If you were a friend you would be shouting at her to Ltb wouldn't you?
My friend's dh gave her petrol allowance from his business - and money for the dc for treats etc. Small amount. One Sunday her dm rang her to say she had cancer.
Her dh told her it was a shame her car was empty and she didn't get her allowance til tomorrow...
Took her years after to leave.
Still lives her life according to his rules though.
Don't be that doormat op.
Get out ASAP!

VeThings · 27/09/2019 12:07

With your updates - he’s a complete arse. Don’t waste mental energy on understanding him. Focus on the divorce and make sure you get a proper settlement - can’t see any reason why you’d settle for 50% when you have compromised your earning capability and taken a hit on you pension. Don’t end up in a worse financial position because you want to avoid conflict - you need to be comfortable to look after your DC. If he sees you as a drain on his resources, the children will soon follow and he won’t be helping them with university costs, house deposits and ongoing support for their SEN etc.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 12:07

His core belief is that because he is a man he is the boss and you should defer to him
his things are always more important than your things because he's a man

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 12:08

Have you confronted him with the financial abuse?

Because that is selfish and immoral right there. If you leave it will be directly due to his untenable immorality.

And he’s not like this because he was poor growing up, it’s because he’s a grade A arsehole.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2019 12:08

Hang on I take it back. Go for 70% not half.

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 12:10

My ex has the big job - he travels all over the world, very posh pad. I have a house where the rent is sky high and I'm here there and everywhere with the kids. Both mine have health issues, on top of normal 3 and 7yo boy behavior too. I scrape by and am saving up for us to go to the Lakes next year camping. Huge adventure just us 3 and our little dog.

Last year we did the "family holiday abroad" thing. August in Spain. Me & OH argued the whole time in the heat because I'd just looked at his phone to find out why the hell he couldn't stay off it even on a family holiday, and found out he was cheating (again) and was making plans to see her as soon as he got home. The kids are sooo much happier away from all that!

I envy couples sometimes, big cars, big holidays, but in so many cases it just sounds like such a power struggle.

PicsInRed · 27/09/2019 12:10

You'll get more than half, that's why he's worried.

There's a genetic element to some SEN and 2 of your children are affected? Could your husband be affected also? This doesn't excuse anything, but could affect the strategies you use to deal with him as you divorce.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/09/2019 12:10

However this man is very far up his own arse, he is a ripe for the picking, take him to the cleaners, eviscerate him

Orangepearl · 27/09/2019 12:11

Sounds like The classic corporate sociopath.

I love the ‘hand in your notice’ recommendation!

JoanieCash · 27/09/2019 12:12

oh man, this is so sad. It’s awful that he can’t understand it naturally and I don’t reckon you’ll be able to talk him round.

You could try an alternative strategy before splitting, like employing a really great nanny/childcare/after school nanny to give you a break, and him some sense of your ‘financial value’. If you split, you’ll probably need help anyway. If you can get a PT job that might help too with your own esteem. Also pointing out that he’s going to have to step up to alternate weekends etc if you split. Wish you luck.

Orangepearl · 27/09/2019 12:13

Also does AS run in the family? Not to insult but might make him more routined and particular about money without realising?!

SherbetSaucer · 27/09/2019 12:14

I don’t know why so many women make themselves vulnerable like this. Why does it always seem to be the woman that has to make sacrifices for having children!?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 27/09/2019 12:14

There's absolutely no point trying to get him to see sense or point out the sums about how much childcare etc would have cost him if he has a deep rooted belief that he "gave" his wife children and she should be grateful and indebted to him for that.

OP I hope you take him for whatever you can.

mike3 · 27/09/2019 12:17

the children are indeed picking up on this. One of them, the littlest called me “lazy good for nothing” and another said “this is daddy’s house because daddy paid for it.”

This is horrendous. Good luck OP.

hairtoss · 27/09/2019 12:19

You can't change his sexist beliefs.
Luckily the divorce court recognises that the homemaker and the earner are equal contributions to the marital assets so if you do decide to divorce you will be fine.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 27/09/2019 12:21

OP, you sound quite strong, and you are clearly making the correct decision.

Do not waver

Get as much as you can, for you and the kids. Do not trust him, do not back off, get everything through the courts

stay strong!

sofato5miles · 27/09/2019 12:22

Dear fucking Lord, he is an ARSE.

Do not spend any more time on the why but focus everything on the what next. You can take charge of your own life. You are quite clearly very capable and you need to channel your energies into that.

And btw, how he treats you is utterly immoral. Dick.

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 12:22

Why does it always seem to be the woman that has to make sacrifices for having children!?

So many men think they gave us children, they belong to the woman, and being a dad to them is always their choice. If they stay and choose to be one (however shitty) we should consider ourselves lucky. My ex was always reminding me "A lot of guys wouldn't do this you know" so proud of himself every time he did something with one of his boys (which was rarely). I had to grit my teeth every time.

I for one won't be treated like that ever again.