Can someone properly explain why my DH thinks this?

[Suewiththeredford]

Namechanged, old regular.

Married 15 years, I’m a SAHM, he has a Big Job he’s been doing since before we met. When we met I also had a Big Job and we earned the same.

All 3 kids are primary age, 2 are SEN enough to be Special School material. I do literally ALL the school stuff, every meeting, application, senco stuff, all pick up and drop offs, clubs, therapies, EHCP stuff.

I have no access to any money except the children’s DLA. He pays for the house bills and groceries but he buys shite and I end up tipping that up. I pay to run my car and phone etc. He is spending £140 a week minimum on his leisure/hobby. I am overdrawn. Until recently an unusual financial arrangement I had from the past, meant I contributed £8k a year and he used that for holidays. That arrangement has ended.

We have discussed divorce. He says he knows that the law is on my side but that I am selfish and immoral to split the family because I haven’t contributed to the family finances like he has.

He is an intelligent man. One of the few ways in which we can still communicate is in abstract discussion about general issues. So why can’t he see that it doesn’t make sense to ascribe my contribution to our lives as being without value?

[iwashappyonce]

Do you have carers allowance OP? Sounds like you'd be entitled.

[Kubo]

I wasn’t the “little missus” when we met and yet somehow he expects that now.

When you first met you were the trophy high achieving girlfriend. But ultimately, you are a woman and this is what you are for. To support him, and provide offspring.

[Suewiththeredford]

Kubo yes, I was defo a trophy of some sort and not a “financial albatross around his neck” which is how he’s described me recently.

[honeylulu]

You would be better off divorced, that's the essence of it.
See a solicitor, stay in the house (you can't throw him out but you can consider yourself separated). He can't cut cut off your access to family money as you don't have that anyway.

It will take time but you're likely to end up with primary residence of the children, adequate housing for you all and maintenance money from his Big Job. You may also become eligible for some welfare benefits. Oh and you won't have to lift a finger for that ungrateful pillock ever again!

This is financial abuse. He doesn't care about you or respect you, he thinks you are inferior to him in all regards.

[Suewiththeredford]

I’ve instructed a solicitor re divorce. I am coming to the end of a v stressful legal case which if it goes in my favour, will leave me financially independent of him anyway. We discussed this last night and I said I planned to buy a place of my own nearby, share the kids and move forward amicably. I hate our house, I always have. That’s when he said I was being selfish and I’d break the children’s hearts. And then he said “and what do you plan to do if you DONT win in court?” And I said I don’t know. We need to split up but he’s shitting himself that I may take half.

[SandunesAndRainclouds]

I’m another mum of SEN children with husband in a Big Important Job which is an absolute piss take on family life. I also have little value in comparison to the BIJ.

[treacletree]

Haven’t rtft but this reminds me of my parents. Both in early stages of same demanding profession when they got married, mum gave up work when they had 2 kids under 5. This enabled mum and dad to have 4 kids whose upbringing as well as everything to do with our home, holidays etc was completely managed by my mum- while my dad became a big shot in their profession. Divorced when we were all early teens and he initially cut mum off without a penny then agreed grudgingly to a divorce/child support arrangement that even his own lawyer told my mum was “surprising”. We lived in virtual poverty til I went to uni, shortly after we lost the house and my mum now lives in near poverty having found it very hard to retrain and work full time while still raising her kids. While my dad continued to thrive financially. He and my stepmum (who he left my mum for) now have multiple properties, investments and he is a managing partner.

All of this for my dad was only possibly because my mum took over a decade career break, gave up her own progression, and always facilitated his trips working away, inability to show up for school stuff/anything for us, family holidays where he couldn’t go as he was “too busy”. Even now we are adults he does the bare minimum and my mum looks after the GC whenever she can, is there for us.

The point is he didn’t see her contribution as financially valuable.

Now I work in a corporate job too and the pisstaking I observe by senior men at his level is shocking sometimes. There’s a lot of schmoozing and they delegate a lot of their work. All while maintaining that they are a big shot in The Most Important Job In The World.

[honeylulu]

Just read the albatross comment. I am speechless!
And he calls you selfish and immoral!?!

[waterSpider]

Don't know.
I'm the man in a similar situation, and ensure we both have access to the cash.
What you describe sounds like financial abuse, and is a form of domestic violence. e.g. blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2019/06/martin-lewis--financial-abuse--joint-accounts-and-managing-money/
Grounds enough for divorce I'd say -- after which you'll be a lot better off and freer.

[BogglesGoggles]

Just tally up everything you have done for the family and calculate the market rate for doing the work. Sometimes you have to spell it out for idiots.

[PegasusReturns]

You won't change him or his attitude.

Whether you are financially independent or not you are entitled to half of your current assets.

I hope you solicitor is advising you on the chances of you being able to ring fence that financial independence.

[Selmababies]

How horrendous he sounds!
I can't see that he will ever change his ingrained views and beliefs sufficiently, to make him a reasonably decent human being with a modicum of respect for you. It's financial abuse. It's alsoso emotional abuse imo.
Please build a new life for yourself and your children.
He is the selfish and immoral one in your relationship. Do not let him persuade you otherwise.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Tell him if he thinks you are "breaking the children's hearts" that you will give him full custody so they can stay in their home and just see them alternate weekends. Just wait and see how fast he backtracks!!
From your description he is no more involved in the children's lives than you are in his unnamed "hobby". You won't miss the hobby and the kids won't miss him.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Men somehow rationalise that the children are for the women, almost as though they are nothing to do with them. They will rewrite history to make it sound as though they never wanted the children in the first place. I agree completely with Snappedandfarted above. They are your 'job'. Nothing to do with him, and I wouldn't be surprised if, should you divorce, he throws himself completely into his Big Important Job and has very little to do with the children subsequently.

[highinthesky]

You are in the unfortunate position of having married a selfish man. One mistake does not mean you need to suffer for the rest of your life.

[MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA]

I too am speechless. What an absolute nob. Get rid, ASAP.

[postmanwatcher]

I am
In the same situation. I'm working hard to change things. Thankfully my DH wants things to change too

[Fatshedra]

I would take half if you can. He will likely find a new DP so any money he has may not go to your and his DCs but to a new DP / family.

[Hoppinggreen]

DH has a BIG JOB, but he knows that without me pushing him he probably wouldn’t have it in the first place and without me being his PA/Nanny he couldn’t do it so he values my contribution
Your husband is an arse

[lemonsandlimes123]

Presuming this all happened after the first child arrived what on earth possessed you to have 2 more children with this arsehole

[C8H10N4O2]

He's an arse. You need to get your finances shared properly now with or without a divorce. Before its squirrelled away where he can deny its existence.

Its not "his" money its family money and should be treated as such.

[Beesandcheese]

He believes the lie that is money and that money makes him the big brave.
He believes only money has real meaning or value. He's just another shallow soon to be ex. His priorities sound to be him, his fun and bank balance. If he's been expecting you to pay your running expenses out of DLA isn't he financially abusing children?

[paap1975]

You're right to leave him. He sounds horrible, sorry.

[ImNotYourGranny]

He thinks like this because he's an entitled, selfish arse.

My DH also has a well paid important job. I haven't worked for 15 years due to my own disability and having kids with SEN, one of which is not his. My DH is devoted to all of us and thinks he's the lucky one because his main contribution is just money whereas he sees mine is so much more. He sees it that he feeds the family but I hold the family together.

[Comtesse]

“Financial albatross” - what a nob this man is. I do hope you have a shit hot lawyer.