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Break up support thread 3

(645 Posts)
herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 21:01:31

We’re all still here...

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 21:05:12

On my way home now, ready to collapse in a heap! Why doesn’t he love me? What a knob.

PuffinSock Fri 20-Sep-19 21:15:13

@herbsmokedchicken it's horrible feeling so sad, I hoped your night out would be a good distraction but def stay away from your phone wink he is an idiot that's why hes gone.

Thanks for starting the new thread and thanks to you and Jonsnow I haven't messaged him asking to meet up.

It's so weird up and down all the time, sometimes I think fuck it hes just some guy find a new one, other times i feel panicked i will never see him again sad

One thing I have realised is that as time passes being sad/needy/appearing desperate is not attractive to them at all and sends them further away. It is only appearing to be doing well, thriving, positive that is attractive. Sad really, I suppose people like the chase and to feel they have won a prize.

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 21:25:03

Oh I’m not drunk or anything so that won’t be an issue! I just hate that a few months ago we were so happy and then it all stopped. Ugh.

I know what you mean about the up and down, sometimes I could hyperventilate thinking I won’t see him again, other times I remember that some of my friends don’t even know where their exes are in the world.

Jonsnowsghost Fri 20-Sep-19 21:33:39

Yeah I hate the up and down too sad and yes being sad and needy does tend to push them away/into their other relationship more. Tbh that's why I have disappeared off social media for like a month, he can't see anything that I'm doing, whether that be happy/sad/whatever...I'm now a mystery 😬

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 21:36:13

Yeah I should prob do that but I bloody love social media...actually I really am tempted! Could do all my posting on insta since he doesn’t follow me on there anymore 🙄 still think that’s fucking weird and one day, when it no longer matters, I’ll ask.

Have agreed to a date next week. Just realised the guy is 26! But fuck it. Why not. Heart not in it at all but tbh didn’t really know how to say no lol.

UnicornsExist Fri 20-Sep-19 21:42:47

Joining in here. I think I've just been dumped by the potential new man I've seen 6 times as a date but have known for over 5 years. Why did he bother looking me up if he's only going to piss about? When he first got in contact with me and suggested a date, I made it plain that I was only just out of a difficult marriage, I was only interested in a relationship not fwb and that I don't need to be hurt again at the moment because I went through 12 years of hell. Having known and liked him for so long before we started seeing each other I hoped he would be different. Now I feel shit and back to square one with my depression. I honestly feel utterly worthless, completely unattractive and it's going to be a long time before I consider seeing anyone else.

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 22:19:57

Oh that’s horrible! I can’t stand people who mess you about. What a knob! You are not worthless tho, none of us are, we’ve just had shit luck

PuffinSock Fri 20-Sep-19 22:33:31

@Jonsnowsghost being a mystery sounds a good idea! I think vanishing made mine start messaging, due to concern/curiosity, only to disappear again when he realised I was missing him. At least I know for future reference that I need to appear very happy grin

@herbsmokedchicken a date sounds great! Hopefully a distraction and confidence boost even if you decide you're not into him.

@unicornsExist that's awful, you poor thing! To have known him so long, start dating and then he does that. I cant understand why some of these guys seem to feel no personal accountability. Why pursue and express such feelings/emotion/love and then drop? I can relate as my guy was helping me deal with a personal tragedy having known me over a year, claimed love etc and then dropped me after a couple of months when he realised he loved someone else more hmm

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 22:34:56

Well I just realised his dad is my friend’s creepy ex boss so never mind, not going there! Didn’t really want to anyway

Strawberrycupcakes212 Fri 20-Sep-19 22:53:26

I’m sad too...

PuffinSock Fri 20-Sep-19 22:59:17

Aww @Strawberrycupcakes212 hows things?

Strawberrycupcakes212 Fri 20-Sep-19 23:05:32

Same. I’m not moving forwards at all. I just feels so stuck it’s unreal. I went to see a lady for a reading the other day.. not sure I really believe in all that but she was pretty accurate and I was careful not to give away too much info. Anyways, she said he wants to come back, but it must be his decision. I knew that anyway... my days of calling, texting and pleading are over: I think I actually feel worse now because at least then I felt I was doing something.. this NC doing nothing is against my logic but apparently that’s when it happens...

I’m still fb friends with him but really want to delete him because I think that’s what’s holding me back... it’s like our real world connection is over... but the virtual one is still there... and I find myself pouring over his fb checking whose liked what...

I just feel constantly sad, as do us all....😢

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 23:11:07

That’s a good summary with the real world vs virtual connection. I know I should prob unfriend mine but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I hate being NC too, in my case I don’t think it’ll bring him back but it’s just what I need to do for my own sanity, otherwise I know I’d be constantly hoping things would change.

I’m feeling very sad and sorry for myself. Talking to some guys online and all it does is highlight how much I don’t want anyone but him.

Strawberrycupcakes212 Fri 20-Sep-19 23:39:31

Yup herb, that’s what it does to me too! Just re enforces the fact I don’t want anyone else... or maybe my mind is just closed to anyone else right now? Yours too?

herbsmokedchicken Fri 20-Sep-19 23:50:48

Yeah I’m sure one day I’ll be open to the idea of falling in love again but right now...hardly surprising tho I had a thing for him even before we got together, for quite a while, so for over a year I’ve not been attracted to anyone except him. It’ll take a while to get out of that I guess!

ASHMEISTER24 Sat 21-Sep-19 00:54:31

Its been 7 long weeks for me now. Somebody who was my best friend is now like a stranger. 13 years and 3 years married. No affair no violence just a hard 18 months because life’s hard and she’s walked. Gone from living with my 2 girls to seeing them twice a week. I’ve hit some very low places.

In my head ill get her back but in my heart i believe it’s over, she’s adamant it’s gone. Keep texting opening my heart and I get a cold hearted reply it kills me.

The sad thing is I know why she left. I’m a mans man love my rugby league and I’m quite proud. Always been a good looking bloke and the joker within my friends. However life got too hard after our marriage (2 kids under 2 at the time) I would bottle up all my worries and would never believe in mental health. I was always someone who would say just get on with it. I became lethargic with no motivation and put on a whopping 5 stone in just 2 and a half years. Fell into a trap my self esteem reached an all time low but I was this proud bloke who just laughed it off but inside it was killing me.

The day my wife walked out I went and seen my GP and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. To pour my heart out to a complete stranger was fantastic (never told the gp about my wife just how I was so unhappy) she immediately held me and announced I was extremely depressed and that men just hold it all in)

I’d found myself crying all alone when my wife and kids was in bed because of work or feeling I’d not had a good day with my kids. I’d stoped going out because of the weight I’d put on, I was a shell of myself, I’d finish work and drive to a local empty car park and just cry all alone before I got home. My wife unfortunately knew nothing about this. She just put it down to me being lazy and not making an effort.

Since that day with my gp I feel so positive about my future and believe I’m on my way to getting better. I’ve joined a gym and lost two stone already (what a confidence boost when people notice and mention it). Unfortunately my wife believes I’m saying it just because she’s left.

Im gonna get myself right and I’ve said I’ll always be there for her if she ever changes her mind. She won’t even have a glass of wine over a conversation with me at the minute. Which is the worst thing as in our 13 years we have Been un separable and weve been a great family. Think about her constantly

Jonsnowsghost Sat 21-Sep-19 07:19:23

The best thing you can do is talk to someone. I am having councilling and honestly it is helping, they know exactly how to deal with what you are going through.
It is so tough but you will get through it smile

I know that NC isn't going to win him back, I dont think he ever thinks of me at all, and probably hasn't even noticed I've stopped posting but it's been nice to have a break. I'm going to post when I'm away in the next few days.
@Strawberrycupcakes212 it's against my logic too, I want him to know I miss him and want him back but honestly every thing I've read says it just pushes them away more. It feels like you are doing totally the wrong thing but I do think it's better. I know from messages I've sent that i get so over emotional really quickly and i think that scares him off a bit as i was never like that when we were together! NC also will help you, as it will get easier not to be tempted to talk to him all the time. I still am, not going to lie, but it's less than before.

dazedandconfusednc Sat 21-Sep-19 07:27:47

Can I join please?

I have a thread explaining things. I need some anonymous support because I can't tell anyone irl yet (probably ever). I have a Drs appt in a few weeks. May phone an emergency on Monday morning because my mood is dangerously low atm.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3697550-Its-actually-over

Imagiraffe Sat 21-Sep-19 08:04:33

First time posting but I really wanted to join this thread. The love of my life left me in June for a much younger woman and I still cry every day. I've tried dating and going out but I just can't get over him. I just want him back. We are in touch regularly and have slept together a few times since he's left but he's still with her. We were together 5 years, last year we had a few awful things happen in both our families and we both got quite depressed, then this younger woman caught his eye and I suppose it was some excitement for him. He left me and moved in with her and her young children straight away. Hes developed a drinking problem and lost his job and I think she drinks a lot too. It's so sad to see the man I love ruining his life. I'm devastated.

PuffinSock Sat 21-Sep-19 08:22:56

@Strawberrycupcakes212 and @Jonsnowsghost NC goes against all my instincts too, I want to gush and tell him how much I miss him, love him etc. But honestly, my experience in the last few days is that telling them anything emotional really pushes them away. He has ignored my message! Whereas when I've been elusive, told him I'm going on a hen do etc he has been chatty and nosey.

I'm back to NC and trying to move on, I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't the man I thought he was, he has chosen someone else and i need to let go and keep dating.

@ASHMEISTER24 I'm so sorry for your situation. I know it's different when you have kids (I'm divorced too...) but it may be worth creating some space between you and her. The thing is, when someone is available all the time and says they'll always be there etc some people lose interest and take for granted. It may be that if you lessen contact with your wife and focus on work, health and your children then your wife will start coming forward, missing you etc. You cant miss someone who is ever present. Hard I know, but maybe worth a thought.

Jonsnowsghost Sat 21-Sep-19 08:34:12

@PuffinSock exactly this, every emotional message I would send would never get a response, but if it was neutral it would! They just can't deal with it.

Giraffe, how awful sad and to still be sleeping with you when he's with her? You deserve better than that

Imagiraffe Sat 21-Sep-19 08:54:29

Jonsnowsghost I know in my heart it's the wrong thing to do, it's terrible but I think I feel it's a way of keeping him close. I'm probably wrong, I just can't stop loving him even though I don't think he still loves me even if he says he does. I still want him to come home and say he's made a mistake. I don't know how to move on from him.

herbsmokedchicken Sat 21-Sep-19 10:03:52

Lots of new people! Welcome, but I’m so sorry you’re here 😢

Feeling meh again today but like I could go downhill at any time. Still feel like something is going on with him. But hard to accept it’s none of my business. I’d hope he’d have the courtesy to tell me if he was in a relationship before it became known but 9 weeks on I guess he doesn’t owe me that. I dunno. Sigh!
What’s everyone’s plans for today? Fun stuff that helps take your minds off this shit I hope? I’m out for a friend’s birthday lunch, they will prob go on into town but not sure what I’ll do yet.

Joules8719 Sat 21-Sep-19 10:46:00

I feel the same just want to say I miss him and why doesnt he want to give us another. chance. I hate him talking to me as a friend it feels so odd. I just want it to change back to how it all was. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. I'm going to try and enjoy the sun while it lasts.

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