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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

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Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 11:11

Fucking knew it!!! He’s moving back home. Said all week something was up! He’s not moving for ages but has offered to see me today which makes me think there’s more to it. Have said yes. Realistically prob be last time I’ll ever see him

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Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 11:32

Shaking now. Hopefully this will be the closure I need. All week been freaked out feeling something was going to happen, so anxious and panicky, but now something has happened so hopefully this will help me finally move on. Fuck it’s horrible tho. That last little spark of hope gone.

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PuffinSock · 21/09/2019 11:40

Ah @herbsmokedchicken will he be moving far away then? (Sorry if you've said this previously). I really feel for you, I hope you're ok. Good luck with seeing him Flowers let us know how it goes.

Imagiraffe · 21/09/2019 11:44

Sorry to hear this herbsmokedchicken. It must be awful for you. Sending hugs, hope you are ok

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 11:47

He’s moving back to his home town, far away so realistically probably never see him again. I don’t think I’ve actually expressed this on here but all week when I felt something was up, I wondered if he was getting an arranged marriage. Gonna ask him outright later. Probably then unfriend him. I think he may have started untagging himself in my photos but I can’t remember what photo was in his profile before!

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PuffinSock · 21/09/2019 11:49

@Joules8719 and @Jonsnowsghost it's so strange how they chat as 'friends' like they have just switched off the romantic emotion and dont want to be reminded of it at all. If that's what they do then I will too Wink no more romantic messages from me.

@Imagiraffe that is so sad Sad does he initiate contact with you to arrange seeing you and sleeping together? Do you feel like hes keeping you hanging in case he changes his mind? I know how tempting it is to want to see them, sleep with them etc. With all the heartbreak it gives a temporary happiness ime. Do you think if you went NC he would be different towards you?

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 12:05

He’s untagged himself in the photos of me and him but left the ones of him on his own. Right now feel weirdly calm. Just going to ask him everything I want to know and say all the things I want to say, then will just try to close the door on it. Hopefully be the closure I need. Sure I’ll cry later tho lol

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Imagiraffe · 21/09/2019 12:11

Puffinsock yeah he texts me at least a few times a week. It's always him initiating contact. Anytime something happens in his life it's me he calls. It's as if I'm his safety net. He's having such a bad time and I should say it's nothing to do with me now. But I love him deeply and I still want to help him even though he's left me. Stupid I know. He's going for an operation next week and even though he's living with another woman it's me taking him to hospital. I still hope he'll come back to me one-day.

rowlett · 21/09/2019 13:01

Hi everyone, thanks for the new thread herb. I hope it's okay for me to still post here even though I don't have anything new to update with, the mystery rumbles on Sad But I find this a welcoming and safe place to vent about my sadness! I'm feeling really down, not even just because of him (although of course I am clearly gutted to have suddenly and with no explanation lost someone I really liked and could see myself in a proper good relationship with) but just more generally I HATE feeling so lonely, especially this time of year I think with my birthday and Christmas coming up...

To be totally honest I see people coupled-up and feel these terrible pangs of jealousy and sadness... I had an AWFUL and I mean AWFUL breakup a few years back with a guy I had been with for 6 years who suddenly seemed to have had a personality transplant, at the time it really floored me (he contacted me about a year afterwards apologising profusely for what he did and saying his entire life had gone tits up since then -- debts, getting fired, his rebound cheated on him, he was having to move back to his dysfunctional family's house at the age of 30+... which did make me feel a little better Grin) and after that I spent some time alone having a couple of short-term casual-only things which at the time was what I needed, but now that I'm in a good headspace for a healthy equal relationship things like THIS happen! I absolutely categorically did nothing wrong and was getting all positive signals and no red flags and yet it STILL didn't work out. It makes me feel really down and I can see it affecting my moods even at work etc sometimes although I try not to... but I'm just so miserable. I know obviously people are supposed to feel complete and happy even without a relationship but honestly, I don't Sad

@herbsmokedchicken that must have been such a shock! I really hope seeing him will give you some answers; that won't magically make you feel better instantly especially if your arranged marriage suspicion is correct but I hope you're able to snatch a little closure from it somehow. You do deserve to have some.

Everyone else... I'm just so sorry you're all in this situation too Sad

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 13:07

Yeah right now I’m feeling weirdly calm! Just want to see him and get it over with, really hoping I’ll get some answers, he’s said he’s just moving for a better job but it’s quite clear he’s slowly erasing our relationship from his virtual life, is that just for a clean slate or is there more to it, like making sure no one in his family can see what happened? I’m hoping it’ll give me some closure as it’ll be that last bit of hope gone but I’m fully expecting to feel utterly shit later on today!

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Imagiraffe · 21/09/2019 13:19

I hope it does bring a sense of closure for you herbsmokedchicken. Do you have friends you can meet with later? It may help not to be alone with your thoughts if you can manage it.

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 13:20

I’ll be home with DM so will chill with her

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rowlett · 21/09/2019 13:22

We'll all be here for you too herb if you need it of course! I know getting resolution/closure is sometimes the best we can hope for in situations like this but it does still sting Flowers Waiting for a meetup can be so anxiety-inducing too.

Notallitseemstobe · 21/09/2019 13:25

Has anyone had someone who left come back?

I got dumped after a few months, and then two months ago we got back together after he came back to apologise for his behaviour.

But, I keep waiting for the same signs, for the cracks to appear again.

Anyone been through this?

rowlett · 21/09/2019 13:38

@dazedandconfusednc I read your thread you linked and I'm just so sorry, I don't even know what to say Sad I can't imagine the shock. He sounds very messed up between what he did, the steroid addiction etc but I know how it feels to still know you'd take somebody back even after you were treated so badly; the shock and grief. For what it's worth I don't think you sounded melodramatic at all. You've been through a truly terrible event.

PuffinSock · 21/09/2019 13:47

@herbsmokedchicken good luck and I hope you get some answers.

@rowlett I completely get where you're coming from. Having him vanish like that with no explanation is so unsettling and unfair. If you had answers it may be easier to move on. I just hope you hear something soon.

My message from a couple of days ago is still unread Hmm which is odd as hes always been pretty good at reading and replying and we haven't chatted much lately. I dont really know why someone wouldn't read a message, I can only assume he has silenced whatsapp and hidden it on his phone if hes now with his new relationship so he doesnt know it's there.

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 21/09/2019 14:28

@herbsmokedchicken OMG how did that meeting come about??!! My belly is doing summersaults for you... hope it goes well x

rowlett · 21/09/2019 15:26

@PuffinSock thanks for the kind words! Smile I think I said this before but I would feel so much better if I just knew it was because he realised he wasn't ready for a relationship yet after the awful thing that happened, or he was in a bad headspace, or heck even if he got new glasses and suddenly realised he found me unbearable to look at lol. Literally ANYTHING is better than not knowing! I'm a bit of an overthinker at the best of times and this is making me think all kinds of things...

UnicornsExist · 21/09/2019 15:40

Well I caved and messaged him. I apologised for being grumpy at the moment, said that I'm dealing with a hell of shit from 12 years of hell but I refuse to let my ex ruin the rest of my life. That I haven't been fair taking my demons from the past out on him (no reference to the fact that he's crap at communicating to the point where he is very hit and miss at responding to messages). That I think a lot of him, enjoy his company and would love to continue to see him.
He's read it. No response. I don't know if he's doing his usual thing of being crap at messages or if that's it and we're done. I hope he's just being crap at replying but I don't know Confused All I need to him to do is acknowledge me. If he's busy at work and can't reply that's absolutely fine, just pop me a 5 second message saying he's busy. Surely that's not unreasonable?

lifegoes · 21/09/2019 15:50

Hey all, I've been following this thread closely for a few days but not posted. Mainly because whilst I've ended it with someone it wasn't a relationship as such. I guess more a FWB situation for a year. I miss him terribly but was the right thing to do as I found out he lied horrifically. Anyway it's my first night out tonight and I'm worried I'm going to crack and message him. Which needs to be a no no.

I've deleted his number but obv due to social media it's so easy to do. Any advice would be amazing. 😢

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 15:54

Seeing him at 5, hoping can just day all I want to say and just close the door and move on. I don’t mean it’ll be an instant cure or anything, I’m sure I’ll be a wreck and I know I’ll be sad for a while yet but hoping it’ll help. It’s just so sad tho. Had a look through our posts together since I’m going to unfriend him and just reminds me of how lovely our relationship was Sad

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UnicornsExist · 21/09/2019 15:59

Herbsmokedchicken good luck at 5. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm feeling like an idiot for messaging him. I was meant to be seeing him on Monday evening and at the moment I have no idea if he still wants to or not. I guess when I ask on Monday I'll find out. It's going to be a long weekend.

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 21/09/2019 16:12

Herb, did he contact you to meet? Omg I hope it goes well for you x

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 21/09/2019 16:14

Yeah he texted me to say he was moving away and he would drop off the last of my stuff so if I wanted we could chat to both get closure or could leave it if I didn’t want to see him

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Strawberrycupcakes212 · 21/09/2019 16:19

IMO men don’t ask for closure. I would play my cards close to my chest if I was you and not ask too many questions or show too much sad emotions... I know this will be very hard for you but this could be really difficult for him. Who knows... he could have been feeling the same as you have this past while...

Where are you meeting at?