Break up support thread 3

[herbsmokedchicken]

We’re all still here...

He’s coming to my house and we will sit in his car, I don’t know if we will go for a drive or just stay at my house. In all likelihood this is going to be the last time I ever see him, possibly even speak to him, so just gonna say whatever I want to say. And see what he has to say. Honestly not going to be surprised if he’s getting married. One thing I want to say to him is just how much I think he fucked up not making it clear earlier on how much of an issue our relationship could be with his family. He def let it get too far. And if he’s not getting married and is planning on dating when he goes home, he needs to know that.

Hope it goes well Herb. Unicorn he probably hasn't responded as, like we said earlier in the thread, men can't seem to deal with emotional messages! We've all had emotional messages ignored and generic ones replied to 🙄

Still miss my ex, he's been on social media loads today but hardly on WhatsApp, hope he's getting bored if her as he's never on social media much at the weekends when he's with her!

@lifegoes sorry to hear that, what happened? Was he in a relationship and lied?

@rowlett I wonder if he is a coward and just couldn't face being honest that he got scared/changed his mind/returned to his ex? I think it is despicable not to tell you, especially as things had been going so well, but some people are real cowards and will do anything to avoid giving bad news or seeing you disappointed.

Yeah I’m feeling really nervous! Just wondering what he will say. And I’m also really sad...like it’s really gonna be over now. Even I’m not deluded enough to think he’s gonna beg me to take him back and run away to his home town lol. Hoping I can start to move on a bit tho. He’s here for another two months (so not really sure why today is the day to return stuff and have what is clearly intended to be a last chat) but after that it’ll be good to know I’m not running into him

And sorry I’m sort of ignoring everyone else at the moment but I’ll go back and read everyone’s posts after!

Feeling so nervous. Used to feel like this before we got together when I’d be about to see him. Except it would be a nice nervous. God he was so wonderful.

@PuffinSock sorry I only mentioned this in one of my posts on the old thread, but his ex passed away so he wouldn't have been able to go back to her but I and one of my friends I spoke to a bit about it did think that perhaps he suddenly felt scared/almost guilty about dating someone else for the first time since then. Which I would of course understand completely if he told me! (Also this might be relevant but he's 23, I'm 26, I know that isn't a HUGE age gap and he is a grown adult etc but I suppose sometimes younger guys can struggle a bit with emotional chats... and it is quite a young age to have something so traumatic happen to you... well that would be traumatic at ANY age.) It's the way he hasn't been active on any other social media or anything that makes me think that he's not "just" ignoring me, possibly he's in a bad place mentally and just hasn't felt able to speak about it properly, I don't know. I know I hadn't spent THAT much time with him yet (although our last nine-hour-long date was pretty significant!) but the way he was as a person and the way he was with his other friends etc didn't make him seem like the kind of person who would be dishonest or just drop someone like this either. But I suppose I'll never know unless he contacts me

I hope it goes as well as possible @herbsmokedchicken, I think you're definitely within your rights to let him know that he went about things the wrong way. It would definitely be a shock and present a lot of mixed feelings to suddenly have this "last chat" foisted upon you though when you had no idea it was happening. Thinking of you!

Thanks! It helps that my instincts are clearly fucking bang on - could tell the week before we split something was up, and how many times this week have I said I thought something like this was about to happen? Ugh it’s such a weird feeling tho coz it’s like waiting for a date, but shit!

@herbsmokedchicken it's so so weird how our timelines are exactly the same!!! Good luck meeting him I really hope you can get things off your chest. I imagine you'll feel the same as me, a bit 'high' but accomplished and sad too.

Sorry to all the newbies on here - shit isn't it.

I'm still in love with him. I thought I really wasn't but I am. So many mixed signals from him though it's annoying.

My plan of action now is to "move on" as far as he's concerned. If it ends up actually happening, great! I do miss him but as PP said, being desperate and waiting around is going to do more harm than good. I know he's talking to some other girls and it does upset me but not as much as I thought? It was so nice to see him and I made him laugh and we had a long lasting hug, I let go first not him, so I think feelings are still there but he's a stubborn bastard so nothing will happen.

wish I could magic him back

I'm thinking along your lines Tinsel, but "moving on" for me rather than moving on to a new relationship. I need to sort myself out first and once my councilling is done I may be in a better place to date but I won't do a rebound again (been there before, it was rubbish) so I'm going to wait. I still love him and if he wanted to come back then I would have to have a Frank conversation about communicating! But I would probably leave it open to him coming back. But then he did hurt me a lot so who knows.

Oh I'm no way ready for any kind of relationship I agree. Who knows. I doubt he will want me back anyway so all my careful thoughts are a waste of time!

Just had this absolute wave of sadness and nausea come over me and have been crying for the past 30 mins or so almost out of nowhere... I'm just so sick of things not working out and feeling so lonely. Even when I do my best and things are seemingly going well it's like something decides I'm not allowed to be happy for too long.

Well I’m back! Got back about fifteen minutes ago. Was same as last time I saw him 8 weeks ago really, we had a laugh at some points, I cried at some points. He’s not getting married - his family didn’t even know he was moving back until he had the job. I believe him. I told him how it had hurt to know his family wouldn’t accept us and how next time if he dates outside his culture he needs to make it clearer what an issue it could be earlier on. I still very much love him and want to be with him. Was hard seeing how much we still click - if we’d just stayed friends and never gotten together, I’d prob still be seeing him before he goes away, maybe even visit him and instead I’ll prob never see him again. When he turned left to go down my road to drop me off I proper sobbed, it’s so hard. Crying now. We had a lovely hug and held hands and he said I still mean a lot to him and to let him know if I ever need anything. The social media thing was because he feels sad when he sees our pictures and stuff, it’s not like looking back on happy memories yet which I get cos looking at it doesn’t make me happy either. I think I believe him on that. So I feel fucking sad but I think long run it’ll prob help me to accept it’s over but it also highlighted that I wasn’t just romanticising him in my head, I still want him. Mixed bag.

rowlett I know how you feel, I’ve not had like an awful life but nothing has ever gone quite right for me either and this seemed like the first time things had gone my way, and then...

Tinsel I doubt he'd want me back either! Even though it was him that broke us up...
I hope one day he realises what he's done to me and feels bad, maybe they will break up and it will hit him what he has done and how much he hurt me when he's not being blindsided by the emotions of a new exciting relationship.

Herb that sounds like a nice closure but tbh I still think the un tagging is a bit odd!

If I think about it too much I agree but there is zero point thinking about it so I’m choosing to take it at face value! I do believe him for sure about the marriage thing and he said he’s not even planning to date any time soon. All I can do is trust him and it’s not my business anyway. So just going to try to move on

Feel bit meh, like I realised I definitely do still want him lol, just need to find someone like him...

Herbsmokedchicken taking it on face value is all you can do, it does sound as if he's being truthful with you. Onwards and upwards now. I'm glad you had chance for that one last meeting before he moves 🌻

Well done herb. We are back in the same boat again. Hope you can find closure with this - maybe it will help that he's moving as you won't be nervous to see him round every corner or watch out for things. You did it! Have a chilled evening.

Me and exDP used to watch strictly together with a Chinese every single Saturday. I know he will doing it anyway, so I've done the same - waiting for my order now! Baby steps.

Yes I think it’ll help cos when I saw him by chance the other day I was a wreck. I feel shit right now but I think it’ll help cos now I know he’s def not coming back. At no point did I ask him to but think he could tell that it would be an option and at no point did he even come close to suggesting that’s what he wanted even tho he admits he does feel sad, so that’s really that.
Saying to my friend earlier, now I’m supposed to go and do it all again and hope it doesn’t fuck up this time! How do people do it! Ugh.

That’s good about strictly and Chinese tinsel! We’ve ordered Chinese cos mum wanted it but not really hungry. Feel really flat now. Same as you, hard to know he will be doing the usual Saturday routine just without me.

We will get there. I have so much love for you guys I feel flat too. It's a bit weird like I'm so so sad but have also accepted it? Maybe I'm back to square one? God knows!

No I know what you mean, I’m so sad but I feel like I’m accepting it a bit more now.

I don’t think I’m going to suddenly be ok, sure I’ll sob my heart out later, but do hope I’ll turn a corner now. Will keep with this meditation thing too