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Husband having affair

(591 Posts)
Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 02:48:57

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

Sean137 Sun 30-Jun-19 03:13:53

I’m very sorry to hear this. The shock must be unbearable. All I can say is that you will get through this and come out the other side, no matter how unlikely that seems right now. So has he so far refused to discuss the situation at all? Has he actually said he’s moved out permanently, or just for a temporary period?

I can’t offer any practical advice, I’m afraid, but rest assured, there will soon be some smart and knowledgeable people posting here with sound suggestions from their own experience. Good luck to you. Stay strong.

dragonway Sun 30-Jun-19 03:20:41

The first thing you do is take a deep breath. Right now you are in shock. Take it hour by hour. Have you got anyone who can come and support you? Put out a whatsapp message to any friends/family. Explain what’s happened and that you need support. How old are your children?

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 04:01:20

I don’t have family close by, my dad lives miles away and wouldn’t be much good.
He has gone to his brothers. I asked if he was going to hers at some point and first he said he didn’t plan to, quickly changed to he didn’t know.
Her husband left and divorced her when he found out so I’m guessing she will want my husband to move in with her and her child.
I’m devastated by the I love you messages, and talking about our children. I’ve asked that he contacts me before he comes for his stuff. I would imagine by tomorrow night he is with her. I’m worried about money and the fact I can’t work due to a chronic illness. He was there when I was diagnosed, in fact he was having a full blown affair by then. He’s already told one of the children that he wants to take them on holiday, but they told him to go away.
What do I do with regards money and the mortgage? I won’t be able to live, I can’t rent as I couldn’t pay. We’ll be out on the streets. He’ll be living with his new family. He’s told the children that he won’t leave us short but I’m well aware that that is guilt and he will change once he’s living with her. He couldn’t afford two families and I doubt the other woman would want to subsidise him/us.
I’m 51, never in a million years did I think my life would end up like this. I’m shafted due to the fact I can’t work, while he swans off with a new family. I can’t rent because we’ve got dogs and I couldn’t ever rehome them. Everything adds up now, I knew he’d checked out, even asked him if he was having an affair, made me out to be a psycho to even think that. I’ve read enough on here to know there’s no going back, I need to know how to get through this. The birds are singing and I’ve not gone to sleep yet

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 04:01:54

@dragonway. They are 14 and 16

BitOfFun Sun 30-Jun-19 04:09:04

You need to see a solicitor. You've been married a long time, so he will probably just have to cough up to maintain the status quo, at least until the children leave home. Divorce shouldn't mean you are stranded.

Birdie6 Sun 30-Jun-19 04:18:34

Oh you poor thing - yes I've been right there where you are and I know the feeling well. You're devastated and you can't imagine how things are going to go from now. But I can attest that your life will go on , and that things will get better once you start making plans and getting some help. At the moment I'm sure you feel helpless, as if things are happening ( and have been happening for a year) without you knowing . A horrible feeling. But once you get some advice from a solicitor, and put on your big girl pants and face your new reality , you'll start to feel that you are in control.

After 18 years you'll get a good hearing from the divorce court and you should be able to keep up your lifestyle to a large extent. You won't be stranded or out on the street. A good first stop would be the CAB who can steer you to getting back on track.

Hugs to you - it's going to be better than you think.

Mummaofmytribe Sun 30-Jun-19 04:26:07

Do not panic. This is a huge shock. You must feel terrible. But you will have certain entitlements especially after such a long marriage with kids involved.
Google specialist family lawyer near you and make the first appointment you can.
I think you will be reassured.
In the meantimime, cry, do whatever you need to do.
Be as kind to yourself as you can.
You will come out the other side of this.

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 04:39:44

He loves her though, I’ve seen some of the messages.
We’d all been out as a family to a family do, we didn’t have a clue. Although, as I say, I was suspicious enough to check his phone.
Everyone on here says the woman needs to get a job, but I have been unwell for some time and am in the support group for ESA, and I know that’s hard to claim for. Even the assessment person said I’m unlikely to ever improve.
Things have been difficult for some time, but I’d asked numerous times to talk and he wouldn’t. Now I know why.
He loves her. The woman who had an affair with him herself. I can’t comprehend life without him. He does an awful lot due to my condition (and through guilt I now guess)
I won’t ask him to come home, I could never trust him again and the work together so I know I couldn’t cope with that. My children have said I would be stupid, and we need to move on but I’m sure that’s shock. They say they don’t want to meet her, but I’m sure they will at some point. I have no one. No friends

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 04:42:52

@Birdie6. Things are adding up now.
His phone never lying around
Taking the dog on late night walks, obviously to speak to her
Last minute overnight ‘work’ trips
Late home from work
Everyone is going to be so shocked, he was the ultimate dad/husband/family man
My daughter started a Saturday job today, and he’s been telling the other woman all about her day. I’m so angry

Norabloom Sun 30-Jun-19 05:10:30

I know just how you are feeling as I am going through a similar situation. I found out about 2 months ago and I can tell you that it does (slowly) get a bit better and you will feel stronger. As others have said you need some legal advice. Your DH will have to financially support you and your children. If he goes to OW he is very unlikely to live happily ever after with her - statistically that hardly ever happens.

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 05:13:58

@norabloom. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same thing. Are your circumstances the same? I’ve been throwing up all night, not slept.
How do you find a good solicitor? I can’t afford to lose out

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 05:16:49

I’m also not holding it together well in front of the children. He didn’t want me to tell them why he had left. In the middle of the night. What an idiot he is, what could I tell them?

Norabloom Sun 30-Jun-19 05:22:40

Not quite the same as I have a job and my children are older than yours and have left home. You need a solicitor that does family law. Try googling for a local one.
I really understand the emotional turmoil you are going through. I had a lot of sleepless nights and I was very angry. I am seeing a therapist and I also went to the GP in the end and got antidepressants and sleeping tablets just as a short term measure to tide me over the worst of this. You are shocked at the moment and you are thinking the worst that can happen. You do have rights. He can’t abandon you.

Norabloom Sun 30-Jun-19 05:23:58

They never want the children to know what they’ve done. He’s ashamed - and rightly so.

cantfindname Sun 30-Jun-19 05:29:37

Sadly you have to go through all the same stages as if you were bereaved. It's a long haul but you will get there. I had it happen to me twice, surprisingly the first time was easiest as my children were very young and I had to keep going and fight for a decent life for them. The second time I was so so angry to think I could have been fooled twice and for a long time that stopped me getting over it.

I was also alone at 49, but, you know what? I very unexpectedly met a wonderful amazing man and we spent 16 years together before he died very suddenly. He looked after me through some horrible health issues where I also had to face that I would never work again. He made up for every miserable time in my life, we totally trusted and adored each other.

If this could happen to me ( fat and with the stereotypical resting bitch face) then it could most certainly happen for you too. What I am trying to say in a rather long winded way is teach yourself to view this as a positive and not a negative. You will be looked after financially, the courts will ensure that and, honestly, you never know what is around the next corner. Find things to do, take up a new hobby join something like the WI that doesn't need a lot of physical input or a reading group. In other words make a new life for yourself and remember that if he has done it once, and got away with it for a considerable period of time, then the chances are he will eventually cheat on his new woman as well.

I wish you all the very best.

Zoflorabore Sun 30-Jun-19 06:10:33

So sorry op, this is absolutely shit. Did you manage to screenshot any of their messages at all?

Your dc sound great, they have your back. You would be shocked at the amount of "pillar of the community" types who are having affairs, especially with a colleague. What a bloody cliche he is.

So first of all you need to get practical. Try to gather any financial documents of his such wage slips etc. Get your angry head on for now and book to see a solicitor.

Hope his dick falls off.....

Fizzysours Sun 30-Jun-19 06:26:55

OP something to consider is that in a split you would usually go at LEAST 50-50, and if he has a sizeable pension, you would often find the woman awarded a large proportion of any equity. I would book to see a solicitor IMMEDIATELY, not least because you might find yourself in a better position than you fear.

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 06:29:22

Having not slept all night, I’m super angry.
I’m packing up his stuff, she can keep his shite at hers.
What financial things do I need to copy?

Rosielily Sun 30-Jun-19 06:38:05

Anything pertaining to finances and the house. Bank statements, wage slips, utility bills, school fees, pension details, mortgage details, any loans, car details......

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 06:39:22

@Rosielily. Thank you. I didn’t think about wage slips

Idontwanttoregister Sun 30-Jun-19 06:56:48

@Zoflorabore. I’m currently packing up his paperwork because I want to take everything financial and copy it. I’ve messaged him telling him I want the keys back until I’ve consulted a solicitor, and I’m packing his stuff up. All I got was ‘ok’. I presume he’s going to her, and not even going to try and justify himself.
He told me last night he wished he never married me, which obviously the children took badly because they wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t!
I have had medical issues and gone through the menopause in the last year so probably neglected him, but never in a million years would I have thought this
I’ve phoned my dad, but he lives 200 miles away and isn’t able to drive. I’m going to ask my father in law if he’ll go and collect him. I will also need to ask him to do a few jobs around the house that never got done (because he was too busy shagging) so it can go up for sale.
He says he’ll always look after us, but I know that won’t last when he’s shackles up with her. I’ve found her on Facebook.

blackcat86 Sun 30-Jun-19 06:57:31

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. Start googling solicitors in (insert your town) and family law. Send out some introductory emails to them outlining what's happened, info about your situation, and that you need a solicitor who understands this situation and will get the best for you and your children. See who comes back to you and who you like the sound of. Do it today so that you start hearing back tomorrow. Others are right about copies of financial info as this help give a view of his assets.

YouJustDoYou Sun 30-Jun-19 07:07:14

OP, you're making the right first steps. Bag that shit up. Make an appointment for a solictor, asap. Everything will be ok - you won't be left out on the street, the courts will make sure you're ok. It'll take time, but hang in there. As a pp said this is a grieving process - try and be kind to yourself. Take it one hour at a time. She can have the cheating arsehole - what a horrible foundation they have built their supposed foundation on, with a pair of scheming cheating liars. They may play at a relationship, but they will never, ever be truly happy or secure with each, knowing what each is capable of (ie, being shitty human beings). You can do this flowers

YouJustDoYou Sun 30-Jun-19 07:08:30

What @blackcat86 said.

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