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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 30/06/2019 18:12

So sorry. Lots of advice here but take it from someone who was told that the last 20 years were a lie, revenge gets nowhere - get practical. Tonight set yourself up with a government account if you don't have one although if you claim esa you should already. You will get benefits but owning the house complicates matters as they no longer pay for interest only loan you money. I would consider what school options you have for September - speak to the kids school, each school has different arrangements for change of circumstances but it's worth getting assurances in place in case he is less than generous with child support.

Get your financial paperwork straight, and go through bank statements to see where there's easy savings, renegotiating phone and broadband packages is a practical thing you can do whilst you are waiting for the bigger stuff.

If you don't already see if you can claim pip as it's completely separate to other benefits.

As far as child support use the calculator to see what you are likely to be awarded but see what he offers, hopefully he will be true to his promise and offer far more, school fees should be a separate amount and ideally he pays them directly so the government don't see the money going through your account.

Hugs once again ... I'm sorry but alas it isn't unusual, men eh!

Lilac3 · 30/06/2019 18:17

What an utter arsehole of a man.

He's only lashing out at you because you've found out and he knows it's game over for HIM. He can no longer have the safe and happy home life, and the stupid fantasy with her on the side.

He loves her Hmm If he did, he would have left you when her marriage ended, or long before that.

Stay strong OP BrewCakeFlowers

Keep reaching out to those around you, and on a practical level, get a shit hot solicitor ASAP

CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 19:35

So sorry your going through this Flowers

Original poster
Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 20:22

I’ve been busy. My friend came over with loads of food and has filled my fridge so I don’t have to worry for a few days.
I’ve contacted school and explained what has happened and the head of year is going to speak with the head and bursar with regards finances and get back to me tomorrow.
He hasn’t gone to hers tonight because I drove past his dads house (was dropping daughter off somewhere and genuinely drive by) and his car is on the drive
He doesn’t want me, he made that perfectly clear. I admitted that last night, if he had begged for forgiveness etc I would have considered it but that I’d slept on it (I wish) and I’ve taken the decision for him and I don’t want him. I’ve told him he has 2/3 days to come for the rest of his shite otherwise it goes in a skip. His hoarding and messiness has always been a sore point, so she have have him and all the shit that goes with him.
I go from nausea, to faint, to angry to crying within the blink of an eye. I feel bereaved, like I can’t message him daft normal stuff about our day.
I’m seeing another friend tomorrow who is going to help me phone around council tax and stuff.
The house actually feels calmer tonight, because he’s been different for quite some time. When I’ve read on here about people checking out, I now know exactly what they mean. Quiet but calmer.
I know we will be okay, it’s just really daunting a day in, it is so real, before it felt like a dream.
So long as I can sort finances he can f right off. I feel so humiliated, and I know I shouldn’t care what people think but I do. I’m fat, 51, and apparently a fucking pain to live with.
On a positive note, I fell out with my brother a few years ago following our mothers death. My dad has told him what has happened and he phoned me immediately and told me he loved me. We’ve had a good talk, and we’ve put our disagreement behind us

OP posts:
Chunkers · 30/06/2019 20:39

Wow, the re-connection with your brother has made me tear up! What a ray of light from a dark situation. I haven’t got the knowledge or experience that lots of these lovely MN people have, but read lots of their stories and their advice is solid and empowering. Sounds to me like you are on the right track, taking back control and showing your DC’s how to thrive in the face of adversity. Onwards and upwards for you. Sending you love from a stranger rooting for you 🌸

LizzieSiddal · 30/06/2019 20:41

Oh gosh what a whirlwind. I’m so pleased your family and friends are there for you.

I do hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

LizzieSiddal · 30/06/2019 20:42

I teared up too when you described reconnecting with your brother.

Bigblue1970 · 30/06/2019 21:51

What an absolute cunt. You WILL be happier. He might feel happier temporarily but this 'no longer exciting, elicit relationship' will very likely end once it loses the excitement. They don't actually know each other yet. He will come crawling back and you can be stronger and tell him to go fuck himself. Stay strong.

Original poster
Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 22:35

The house is actually so much calmer without him here because you never knew what mood he would be in or whether he would engage in the family conversation (because his mind was elsewhere)
I’m worried about having to do it all as because of my chronic illness I did rely on him a lot and now I have no choice but to crack on. He doesn’t seem to care so the sooner I get used to our new normal the better.
The temptation to message him is immense, I won’t because he’s humiliated me enough in one day. Never thought I’d be telling a school my husband has another woman.
I’ve got list if stuff to try to do tomorrow. My youngest, 14, has crawled int9 bed with me as she doesn’t want to be alone (I think it’s more because I’ve let the dogs onto the bed). It’s going to be tight tonight, but I love it. I’m going to try and sleep but would like to check in in the morning if that’s okay. Thanks you for your support, it means a lot to me

OP posts:
IndieTara · 30/06/2019 22:38

Sleep will help OP

HRMumness · 30/06/2019 22:40

I’m 6 months down the line from the fallout from the same old cliche - “D”H cheating with a work colleague and just wanted to say it does get easier with time. You are doing so brilliantly OP.

I spoke with my younger brother (who I’m not close with) just after I found out and he was brilliant. I’m so pleased that you have been able to reconnect with your brother.

Do file for divorce as soon as you can. Show him you mean business.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/06/2019 22:41

Lovely to hear about your brother. I'm so sorry about your husband.

LizzieSiddal · 30/06/2019 23:11

Of course, check in for as long as you need/want to, that’s what MN is for. They’ll always be someone to read, listen and support you.

Original poster
Idontwanttoregister · 01/07/2019 05:25

I managed to sleep until 2 am, but been awake since with my mind whirring so I’ve been making lists of what needs doing tomorrow, and what can wait etc.
Council tax, benefits, sole bank account, removing him from car insurance, contacting schools are tomorrow’s.
I’ve asked him to pay for a dog walker for 2 to 3 times a week. He normally walks them due to my illness so I don’t think it’s an unreasonable ask. It just takes a bit of pressure off in the short term.
The 14 year old ended up in my bed. I’d already put clean sheets on because I just kept thinking of him having sex with the OW and then coming into my bed. My daughter is fast asleep, so at least she’ll be rested tomorrow.
Last night was actually fairly calm. We all had a little cry and then carried on with our new normal. The house was less tense, I hadn’t realised how bad it had become when he was here.
I’m exhausted, managed a cup cake last night. One of the many things my friend brought us over last night. I’m reaching out to people I never thought I would but I need support. I think I need to make an appt with the Gp but I’m worried in case he finds out. One of his rages yesterday was to tell my youngest that I was a neglectful mother when they were babies. I’ve had to explain I had PND and actually their dad didn’t ‘help’ me, he parented.

OP posts:
dragonway · 01/07/2019 05:53

He can’t rage to them OP about you. That’s ‘parental alienation’ and it’s actually illegal now. You really need to see a solicitor ASAP. He’ll be stopped from seeing them (and rightly so) if he can’t control himself. It’s psychologically damaging to the children. If it was me, I’d stop him coming if he’s going to rage. There’s also a place you can ring called rights for women (google them). They offer free legal advice to women.

Norabloom · 01/07/2019 08:43

Do go and see the GP. Your DH doesn't have to know - its confidential after all. It was one of the best things I did in the awful fallout of my marriage. Just having some sleeping tablets at hand so I can occasionally sleep all night has been a godsend. I'm about 2 months further along than you @Idontwanttoregister and I am feeling a bit stronger and calmer, and the sleeping pills and antidepressants have definitely helped.

Norabloom · 01/07/2019 08:49

I’m fat, 51, and apparently a fucking pain to live with.
Also, it's natural to feel like this - self blaming, inadequate, believing what he's saying, but none of it is true. All of this is of his making not yours and he has to say those things to justify his behaviour.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's not begging you to let him come back in a few month's time. Very few couples who get together as a result of cheating on their partners stay together in the end and he will start to realise all he's lost.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/07/2019 09:01

I don't think OP is self blaming - I think he shitty husband has told her these things because he's a selfish pig ... hoping the OW decides she doesn't really want him after all now he's available - as for being the best dad/husband etc, good dads and husbands don't do this - Flowers

Original poster
Idontwanttoregister · 01/07/2019 09:55

I’ve had to block him on my phone. He’s taken the money out of the current account and left us with nothing. I’ve £1.61 in my purse. I asked him for some money, told me he was broke. I asked him to go and get some off his mistress. At that point I knew I was going to lose the moral high ground so have blocked him
I’ve opened a new bank account in my name and have moved over my child benefit and will move over my ESA support group money, if I ever get through to them.
I’ve asked him to sign a legal assurance that he has to pay the school fees but he ignores what he doesn’t want to answer.
I feel as though he has changed overnight into a monster, but I know he has had 18 months to detach plus he has had the OW probably advising him what to do. I’m on the back foot with regards to that, but I won’t be for long

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 01/07/2019 10:40

You sound strong OP, and angry, which is good because you can channel that anger into pushing ahead with getting everything in place. As another poster said, the ow has been through divorce and will be advising him what to do, such as emptying the bank account. He’s put you on the back foot because he has advice from her. It’s absolutely devastating and you will have more bad days than good at the moment but things will get better.

justilou1 · 01/07/2019 11:18

Tell his father he has left you and the children with no ability to buy food.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 01/07/2019 12:32

He has left you with no money to feed you and the dc. That's appalling I'm so many levels.

LizzieSiddal · 01/07/2019 13:33

You need to document what he’s done with the money so your solicitor and later in the judge, knows what a bastard he is.

I would send him an email “I note you have taken X amount from our joint account. I have no money at all to pay for food, drink, children lunch etc. Can you please, as a matter of urgency put this back into the account.”

Honeyroar · 01/07/2019 15:50

He's shocking, isn't he! He's really being awful to his children, let alone you. How dare he vent his frustrations with you to his teenage child.

You're right, he's had ages to get his head round this, you've just had I sprung on you. But this anger will serve you well. Get that solicitor organised. Take a screenshot of the money having been moved from your account too.

Stay strong, you're doing well.

(Ps,can't the teenagers help with dog walking too? If you say you can't walk them perhaps he would have more chance of taking the dogs..)

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