Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

A solicitor may tell you that he has to pay the mortgage on the house until the youngest one is 18. The sooner you see one, the sooner you will know what you are entitled to.

With regard to the private school situation I think you will have to get your head around this. It sounds like this was unsustainable anyway. If you choose carefully between you, the girls have every chance of doing fine in new schools.

Best of luck to you. Keep posting.

The girls aren’t here at the minute, one is at the gym, the other with a friend so they’ve not seen his stuff on the drive. He’s on his way over to discuss the financial side.
I couldn’t help but involve them last night as it was mid night when he left and he was shouting that it was my fault. There was no where for them to go at that time, and they wanted to be with me.
I won’t involve them but obviously it was unavoidable last night.
I know I found her on Facebook, but it’s him I’m angry at, not her. He chose to have sex with someone else, he could have walked away.

OP this is horrendous

I honestly feel heartbroken at the sheer amount of people out there willing to throw a bomb on their family for their own bastard selfish wants and needs. Utter scumbag.

I second all this wonderful advice:

The house: don’t do anything yet. You are entitled to stay there because you have the children.

Income and finances: you are entitled to help from the government, even if you are a mortgage owner. Book yourself a meeting to talk to someone about universal credits and benefits. This is done via the Jobcentre plus. You would be surprised at how much you can claim, and even more so because you have a long term illness. Someone there will help you fill out the assessment. You will get help towards housing costs and also even more because you have two children, you will not and never be out on the streets. Council tax, if he has moved out already apply for a single persons discount now. Find out how much child maintenance he needs to pay you (not sure how you would find this out, Citizens Advice maybe?). Make meal plans for the week and stick to it, making food shopping cheaper. If you are dead set on getting a divorce, your assets will be divided eventually which will provide an income for you, this topped up with benefits and child maintenance should be enough for you to sustain the lifestyle that you already have now.

Legal: as everyone has said, you need legal advice. Check out “legal aid” online because you most likely will be entitled to have free legal representation, specially if you don’t have a job, have children and have an illness. Then once this is established, get a solicitor and go from there in terms of divorce and entitlement.

School: ask your husband to carry on paying their tuition fees (and at this point, this is the ONLY thing I would be asking) if he refuses, look into getting them into a state school. They will be fine, as others have said they make friends really fast. I was state school educated and have a really good career and maintain myself. Your children sound very grown up for their ages and have good work ethic (you mentioned one of them had a job already) they are on your side and quite frankly, they sound bloody fantastic kids, they are a credit to you. And they WILL understand.

The bastard: please do NOT contact his Dad anymore. Even if he is the one in the wrong (which he 100% is) his family will always be on his side. As for him, I would only speak to him to see where you stand with the children’s schooling. You really don’t need him for anything else. Fuck him. Your children are teens. Assuming they have mobile phones? If your kids want to contact him, let them do so off their own backs. Cut the bastard off completely and only talk to him about the legal.

As someone has already suggested, it is very likely (statistically) that he will not last with OW and even if they do stay together, he will probably cheat on her.

You will be ok financially. Eventually, you will be ok emotionally. Your kids will be ok. YOU will be ok.

In the meantime, keep chatting to us all on here, because we are all going through/have been through the same god awful shitty situation so even though we can’t do anything practical for you, we can tell you that we understand how you are feeling, and really mean it.

You’ve got this OP please don’t give up

I know I shouldn’t have phoned his dad, but I really want my dad with me and his dad normally gets him. I just wasn’t thinking. I’m a bit calmer now, and appreciate it was inappropriate.

As others have said here ,you need legal advice ASAP!.Im not sure about this but I had a feeling you can "pay as you go " with some solicitors .Im sorry you are in such a dreadful position .You will possibly find that he will need to pay spousal maintenance esp if you are unwell!.Many men dont seem to want to cope with illness it seems!.Also if your children are in F/t education. Then I have a feeling that you may be able to stay in your home until they finish. (Worth checking anyway!).If your dad can come down and FIL can collect him thats great .If not maybe he could catch train down?.You can get through this OP, and as someone else says he may not" sail into the sunset" with this woman. Daily life on the treadmill of work ,chores etc is very different to an affair where you are just having the best of each other!

If you're in the support group for ESA you will be able to get a top up of income based ESA but tread very carefully around universal credit.

You need a FACE to FACE meeting with a benefits expert or CAB.

Of course, you’re in shock. I used to speak to ex’s parents every time he fucked up. It’s only natural. Do you not drive yourself? (Sorry if you already answered that) if so, could you maybe take the kids and stop with your Dad a few days?

I’m so sorry you must be really scared about what’s going to happen. If you possibly can be civil I think you’ll get more out of it financially.

Dottie that is so bloody true!

Affairs, hotels, secret meetings where daily life is not involved is a far cry from looking after someone else’s children, cleaning the house, cooking and the daily demands of work and tiredness.

Bloody idiot man! He’s never even actually lived with this OW. Doesn’t know what he’s getting into. He certainly won’t be sailing off into the sunset!

And even so, leave them to each other. She’s willing to betray her marriage as was he. That’s just a recipe for toxicity if you ask me.

Get your finances and head in order OP and watch him and OW crash and burn in the future when they both realise that the grass is not greener

Even if your dad is unable to use public transport,can he not take a long haul taxi at all?.We are around 100 miles from Heathrow, and its about £150 /£200 each way ,Expensive ,but if Dad could pay .You could always reimburse him later on ?.You need some support !

Ring the school on Monday and explain what’s happened. They might be able to help. Bursaries, emergency fund etc.

My neighbour has just done this. She is divorcing and they have a absolutely no money, H has got into a lot of debt, business gone bust and house now up for sale. The private school have been amazing and given both girls places until they finish GCSEs, via hardship funds, bursaries etc. Eldest is very bright and they expect she’ll get a scholarship for sixth form too.

Lots of luck to you. You must be in terrible shock, please take things one hour at a time for the next few weeks.

DO NOT discuss financial things with your H. Tell him to go through his solicitor. Don't tell him anything about what you are planning. In fact, don't talk to him at all. You've only just found out and you need time to process.

I agree with supersop - don't talk to him about finance. If he tries, say you will be taking legal advice and he can speak to your solicitor. I agree to get copies of everything - his pension, bank statements, payslips, mortgage statements, any savings or investments. Call a solicitor on Monday and see one as soon as you can. Legal aid for divorce is only available for cases where there is abuse.

Discuss NOTHING with you STBXH. Get yourself on the web and find a good family law solicitor. Better still, if you know do someone recently divorced, who had a sh1t hit lawyer, engage them. Ask what information (financial, pension, mortgage,life and health insurance) they recommend you have copies of. Do nothing until you get legal advice!

Speak only through your solicitor. Don't reply to texts. Don't reply to voicemails. Be like a big grey rock.

He has disassembled your family, and did so in the full knowledge that you are very unwell. He will also be very aware that you and both your girls need to be provided for.
Sending you barrels of hugs. It won't be easy but you will get through this!

Would your Dad moving in with you be more hassle or a help? Would it be feasible?

Oh I am so sorry! :(

I’m sorry OP you must still be in shock so do not discuss finances with him today, not until you have advice. He is ignoring your texts and you can ignore his requests to talk.

Op i think your STBXH will end up regretting his affair

I am so sorry. You need legal advice, but also to prepare for worst case scenario. Go on and work out what you will be entitled to, but unfortunately you may have to include her child in the calculations if he does move in with her. I found when my husband was having an affair it helped to be practical and start figuring things out so at least I knew where I stood. Absolute worst case, you can rent with pets, I know because I am doing so. If you can't pay the mortgage and he can't afford to on his wages while also living himself it may be best to sell before your youngest finishes full time education and maintenance stops so you can get settled. The courts advised my friend to do this as her sons were about the same age. I also wouldn't want to rely on him to pay everything as my friend's awful husband quit his job.

The courts will do their best for you as you have children and it is a long marriage and they won't want to see you on the streets or screwed over financially.

Things will change, but you will get through it. Take one day at a time and eventually it gets easier. I agree with others about not involving your daughters in this though, he may be awful, but he is still their dad and things may mellow with time from their side. But mostly I am so sorry, I have been there and it was really awful

Something in the story doesn’t add up re the other woman.
Divorce takes time. If your H and her have only been having an affair for a year - it’s barely enough time to get discovered, and then push a divorce through....
And then again - if they are so in love, and she got divorced - normally it affects the affair too as the free party tends to want more.
Something isn’t what it seems...

But it doesn’t matter, really. As it doesn’t matter what you discuss or agree now verbally with him.
You need legal representation.
You should get half of everything, at least. Plus - given your medical situation - an ongoing maintenance, of some sort.
I am not sure what can be done about your kids schooling - it really depends on the your financials.
I hope something can be worked out.
If he is feeling guilty - he may find a way to fund the school fees. Let’s hope so.

So sorry you are going through this. I went through very similar 2 years ago, when I found out my exh had been having an affair with his colleague (who was also my colleague and friend) for almost a year. I love you-s were exchanged in their case as well. It was an absolute bombshell.
2 years later, and the divorce has come through. I slept very little the first few months and lost about three stone. It has taken me a long time to scramble out of the hole, but things are looking a bit brighter finally.
Please take care of yourself. You say you have no friends and this was how i felt soon after as well but you'd be surprised at the kindness of people. Reach out irl, like you have on here. And do get legal advice. You are right in thinking feelings of guilt may be behind your hs statements of support, so act before these subside.

@MMmomDD I thought exactly the same, OP I think there may be more bombshells to come from this arsehole unfortunately.

You have loads of support here, come and rant to us about it all whenever you like.

Ok, so he’s been over. It’s actually 18 months and he loves her. There have been times when he has pretended to go to work and had actually had a day off and gone to her house for sex. He first said he didn’t see her that much, then that turned into at least every Friday. He has met her 10 year old, and the woman wants to meet our children.
He doesn’t love me, he loves her. He’s wasted 20 years of his life with me, I’ve dragged him down. You know the usual stuff. He started shouting and raging in my face, unfortunately my youngest was there. She said if you walk out I don’t want to see you, he said ‘fine’ and left. He was leaving the bedroom with some stuff, I was in his way, asked him to calm down, he shouted at me to move and then barged last me. I’ve never seen him like this
He reckons he’ll never let the girls down (lol). First he said he would cover all bills, then instructed me to sort out benefits tomorrow, so he’s obviously thought about what would happen if he wasn’t here. I said I would be putting in a child maintenance claim, he said if I do this he won’t pay the mortgage and will force a sale.
I have confided in a friend, and she has been amazing. I’m going round there tomorrow and she is going to help me sort benefits etc out.
Her divorce came through at the beginning of this year, and she’s already introduced exh to her daughter, aged 10. She has also expressed an interest in meeting our daughters. He was honest to the point of being hurtful, if that makes sense? I know I wanted the truth, but there are ways of saying it.

@MMmomDD. What do you think is still to come out?