Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

I rang his dad this morning and asked if he would go and fetch my dad, he said he would have a think and let me know!! Appears the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Don’t do it for me, do it for your grandchildren who want to see my dad.
Apparently my husband is in the bedroom asleep (he must have left his brothers at some point). Fucking asleep? We haven’t slept all night. I’ve bagged a load of shite up and dumped it on the drive.
His dad said not to do anything hasty, and sleep on it. I said he’s been having an affair for a year, he just said he doesn’t know anything about that. Well you do, arsehole, because I’ve just told you.
He won’t even reply to messages, only got an ok to last message

Don’t message him again. That won’t make any difference and just makes you feel worse when he doesn’t answer. How far away is your dad? Can he get a train to you.

@dragonway. He works, that’s where they met. I thought he worked longs hours, but apparently that’s just a cover. We don’t have many savings as we used them to put the children through private school. I asked him a few months ago whether there was anyone else, because we needed to give a terms notice. He told me I was crazy, and so I didn’t give notice. 16 year old is signed up to go there for 6th form and the 14 year old starts GCSEs in September.
We’ve been struggling for money lately, and I went through the bank account and we should have had excess every month but couldn’t account for it. Obviously he’s been taking her out, while telling me to curb my spending. I don’t go out because of my illness unless I’ve got someone with me, which is rare.
He couldn’t go t9 her house while she was married, obviously couldn’t come here so they’ve been shagging in our car or he’s paying for a room somewhere. Makes me feel sick
My children are adamant they don’t want him back, they can’t beleiev he’s let them down

Hmmmm.... would his work look disfavourably on them for this? Perhaps the threat of rocking into work with your carer to confront them might scare him into behaving...

@dragonway. My dad is 200 miles away. He couldn’t get a train, he’s not too well himself and couldn’t manage alone.
I know I shouldn’t keep messaging him, because him not replying or only replying to the ones he wants to, is infuriating. I suppose it’s like a scab - you know you shouldn’t pick at it but you can’t help it.
You should see the pile of shite on the drive! I’ve just literally chucked everything on there.
If I go out I’m locking the front door with the key in and leaving out the back as he doesn’t have a back door key on his chain

@justilou1i don’t think his boss would care. He did the exact same thing two years ago, leaving two younger children behind, and my husband was slagging him off, saying how disgusted he was and how the children would suffer. We even talked at the time about whether the boss had another woman because I said he wouldn’t leave unless he had someone else lined up. Husband said no, he was just unhappy, lo and behold he was shagging someone who visited work and now lives with her and her child.

God that’s awful. Really awful :( ok, time to not focus on what a vile scumbag he is but now focus on getting things sorted. Ring the school on Monday and explain what’s happened. They might be able to help. Bursaries, emergency fund etc. You’re going to have to withdraw them as you can’t cover the fees and you can’t rely that he will (I’m guessing?) speak to the school. Lots of private school kids go to normal sixth forms so that shouldn’t be a problem. Sign him up for the state one in your area. Your 14 year old hasn’t started GCSEs yet so that’s at least something positive. You’ve got time. Where’s the nearest best state secondary? Google their ofsted reports now. Tomorrow morning ring the council and find out which schools have spaces. It’s shit but it is what is it. He’ll be ok. Kids that age make friends in 5 minutes. Time to rally and hunker down, you and your boys and get through this British style. Hard nosed and not being beaten. Do not cry to your now ex husband. Do not let him see you beaten. You also want to call CMS in the morning and lodge a claim. Next stop is the benefits office and local council. You explain that your husband has abandoned you and your children. You have no income. What benefits can you claim and find out what you can get. One step at a time.

With him gone you probably get tax credits and some kinds of benefits too!!!

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to say about your comment about selling the house, don’t do anything yet. I would not consider anything like that till you’ve had time to process things and spoken to a good solicitor. It’s in your husbands interest to sell the house if you think he’s planning on moving in with OW but I can’t see that it would be in yours. Given that it might be hard for you to get a mortgage again I would not give up my house to rent as it’s probably irreversible.

I noticed he didn't leave you when his ow's marriage broke up.
You keep saying he loves her but I don't think so.
If you really love someone you move heaven and earth to be with them.
He has not.
You're angry now and quite rightly but what do you want?
Once the anger has subsided and it will, what do you want to happen?

Will be interesting to see what he wants when he realizes you don’t need him as much as he seems to think!!!

@Robin2323 I love him, but things have been difficult although now I know why. I don’t think I could forgive him, plus the fact she works for him (he’s a manager, she’s in the office) means he’s going to see her everyday and I know I wouldn’t cope with that. He’s had ample time to speak to me about our marriage, I’ve asked him a few times if there was someone else, he told me I was mad. The girls and me were everything to him blah blah.
My daughters Say I shouldn’t even consider taking him back. I don’t think he would even want to, he won’t reply to me, I think he will end up at her house this afternoon even if it’s just because he has nowhere else to go. I get what you’re saying about why didn’t he move when she split with her husband but i think it’s cowardice more than any desire to stay

Don't do anything rash. Don't put the house on the market. See a solicitor asap. Divorcing an adulterous husband is pretty straightforward.

He will have to disclose what he has done with all the money he has been spending. And if he has been making secret plans, he might have been hiding money away.

Do you have your own bank account? If not, then open one immediately and start putting aside money for your own "fighting fund".

The courts will not do anything to make you and your children homeless. That will be their first financial priority.

He is a spineless coward to gaslight you (saying you're crazy when asking him if he's having an affair). Keep your head up, take the high ground and stay strong.

I've been there OP my ds was a baby when ex went off with another woman, but I mean this kindly is there anywhere you're girls can do today so you can pack you're dh belongs up and arrange to collect, it must be very distressing for them seeing his stuff on the drive.

Op I am so sorry you are going through this, I remember all too well how utterly awful it is. You have had lots of good advice on here , so I shan't reiterate that but I did want to say, do not contact your FIL. He is highly unlikely to be on "your side" and How on earth would a 200 mile car journey go between the 2 men at this time?! Leave that for now, make plans to see your dad another time and keep going

Don’t put the house up for sale. If you have dependent children, you are usually allowed to stay in the house.

So sorry this has happened to you. You are definitely in shock
I agree with the poster with regard to your dcs schools.
The older one should definitely sign up for a good state sixth form. The younger one hasn’t started GCSE’s yet, so could also join a state school. Paying fees would just be an added stress.

Definitely consult a lawyer. Being proactive makes all the difference. You will be hurt, will cry , you will be angry, you will miss what you had previously.,However, things will get better.
Just make sure that you have copies of all financial documents.,Also, don’t give him the head up about what steps you have taken or intend to take.
As others have said , be kind to yourself .
I wish you all the best

I am so sorry you are going through this hideous time. You said you found her on Facebook. Anger can make us do silly things. Direct your anger at him. Please block her Facebook page and never contact her. Your husband has acted appallingly. Its going to be a long road to recovery but you WILL do it. Take the advise of others and copy bank statements etc. You must focus on your health and getting through this, not the other woman but I imagine you are furious with her too. Your husband just strung her along with promises I assume too. He will not end up happy I can 100% assure you, however, you now have a chance to start again. You can do this.

Whatever you do, please play the poor, dependent invalid card for as long as you can. We want to nail this guy (and therefore his cowardly ghoulfriend) to the wall legally and financially. Lawyer up as soon as you can. Seek recommendations at the school. Find out who has hit their exes where it really hurt (bank account) and find out how. I suspect your DH has been trying to get his ducks in a row for a while and has been squirreling in readiness, hence you being asked to tighten your belt. Arsehole.

He will have secret accounts and probably be supporting her lifestyle somehow. You may need to hire his accountant too. Monday. (Before he does)

Really sorry this is happening to you OP

But please don’t involve your daughters in all the ins and outs.
You do need somewhere to vent I get that but it’s their dad regardless and making them hate him and feel the adult emotions you do isn’t fair on them.

He may continue to be in their lives and they need to be able to have a relationship with him. Yes he has let them down too but it’s your marriage he has broken so focus on you and him and leave them peripheral.

They aren’t old enough to absorb all you are telling them and whilst it may help you it won’t help them.

Please use here or your friends or family to work through the practicalities and emotions with not your kids.

As an aside I can see why your FIL didn’t just rush to go and drive 400 miles to collect your dad. That’s a huge ask and you are naturally not thinking rationally.

He’s been a shit and you have every right to be devastated.

But try and remain as calm as you can. Ultimately you need him not to fight you on the legal side and be as willing as possible to financially support you if you can’t work and don’t have your own savings so don’t do anything rash like damaging his stuff else he may start to fight to deny you as much as he can.

I wouldn’t be relying on your father in law to drive miles to being your dad to you after what’s happened-it would be very awkward for everyone.

I’d be thinking practical things. How old are your kids? I’m presuming your DH is on very good money if you don’t work but your kids are at private school. How long have they got left? Are there state alternatives? If your DH wasn’t paying school fees, would that cover mortgage? Why have you got hardly any equity?

Sod him. Your daughters are right, don't take him back.

I would screw him financially too. He can continue paying the school fees until they fully finish school (both daughters). He can pay you spousal maintenance as well, and child maintenance. See if the woman he's been screwing wants him then when he has no money.

Take him for everything. Keep the house. He has to pay it quite frankly as you have been raising his children for him while he improves his career. You haven't been able to. Even if you weren't long term sick, you'd still probably have been given that job while he buggered off with another woman, so the long term sick makes no difference.