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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
JustMe70 · 31/03/2020 11:11

I have RTFT and I am so sorry that you are still going through all this. I feel so sad for you and your girls that you remain in limbo. Going NC is your only option, you have to protect yourself from the mental torture of futile conversations and exchanges of messages that only serve to cause further hurt. You must focus on you, when you are strong, then you will feel invincible. I don’t wish to sound flippant, or to belittle your situation, but thank goodness you don’t have to wake up next to this disgusting excuse for a man every morning. I pity the woman that does and more fool her for not running a thousand miles when she saw how he treated the mother of his children - that ought to have rung alarm bells, but we know that love makes many of us blind and that’s why I pity her.

Focus on repairing the damage he caused you, do everything you can to build your self-esteem. Feel good about yourself and never allow yourself to believe his angry words. Look forward, never back. Make new friends, build yourself an army, learn new skills and embrace new hobbies. Give your dog(s) an extra fuss!

You are amazing, you will get through this, you are strong, you will become stronger, your girls will respect you, you deserve a life better than this. Play the long game, use that time to build your inner strength, fall in love with the world again, take your time, learn to feel indifference towards this man, if you ever need to vent at him then set up a dedicated email address which only you have access to. This can be a cathartic release of emotion without causing harm or retaliation. On those days when you feel you can’t function, wrap yourself up, it will pass, you will be okay.

Keep us updated Flowers

Mylifestartstoday · 04/04/2020 10:16

The OW has reported me to the police for harassment over an email I sent to her and him, detailing information she might want to be privy to. Not my finest hour, but I wanted her to feel a smidge of how I feel. Just copies of texts my ex had sent me about her and her child.
I’ve now been invited in for an interview by the police. So, I get no help when he’s threatening me and making me feel unsafe but she gets the full weight of the law on her side. My daughter rang her dad, called the OW a shit, and now my 17 year old has also been warned by the police for swearing and making disparaging remarks about the OW. I appreciate this sounds outlandish, but unfortunately it is true.
The PC who was dealing with my domestic issues is going to speak with her PC, and discuss the circumstances surrounding my email. That I had had a full day on verbal abuse because of the mortgage/finances, that he was threatening to come round etc.
I’m very, very scared as to what she will do next. She’s won the prize (prize w@nker) she seems hell bent on destroying his relationship with his children as they’ve now both blocked him as he was denying the police were involved

SandNHills · 04/04/2020 10:55

Oh OP,
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if your children and their mental health in general help means anything at all to you, I would strongly urge you to cut your husband and his OW out of your life. In an attempt to hurt them, you are destroying you and your children. You are the adult, you need to take control now. If you cannot cut them off legally, physically or financially, at least cut them off emotionally. As long as you continue to react to them so strongly, they will continue to torture you and your children. Tell the police you want nothing to do with either of them, you just want peace for yourself and your children so you can start to recover from the trauma.

Mylifestartstoday · 04/04/2020 14:41

@SandNHills. I agree entirely. I’d had the day from hell from him, I snapped, I emailed, I regretted it. Since then I’ve had constant threats from him so I dealt with it the correct way and called the police for advice. 3 weeks on, she’s decided the best way to get to me is to report me. It’s the first time in 10 months I’ve snapped, I regret it immensely but I’d reached my breaking point. I’ve been suicidal over this.
We have all blocked him from all forms of communication. We are following police advice - keeping doors locked at all times etc. I have spoken again to the police, he was really sympathetic and he has referred me to a domestic helpline

beenwhereyouare · 04/04/2020 16:08

No time now to write now, but 💜💜💜.

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2020 16:38

OP you should qualify for legal aid. Make sure you consult a solicitor before attending any formal interview under caution. And like others have said, cut contact. Perhaps post on the legal forum for some help. I'm a solicitor but divorce is not my area but there are plenty people on here who could feasibly help you Thanks

Nat6999 · 04/04/2020 20:29

I've read all your thread tonight, I know you probably don't want to hear this but from now on treat him as the enemy, don't trust him an inch. He has been gaslighting both you & your girls. Fill the forms in to apply for legal aid, he has been mentally abusing you, speak to Women's aid, they give excellent advice & will be able to help you. From now on don't do anything you can't back up of paper, that means any communication is done by letter, if it isn't on paper it doesn't happen. Really you could do with a forensic accountant to trace where the money from your old home has gone, you are due to half that money, your solicitor when you start working with her again needs to be playing hardball over this, you could get it back as a bigger share in the equity in the house, it may take longer but will be worth it. Use this time while most things are at a standstill due to Covid 19 to your advantage to do as much detective work as you can, the more you can do the less you pay your solicitor for. Have you applied for personal Independence Payments? As you are in the support group you may be due to this, best thing is to ring for the forms & fill them in, if you have a support group for your illness they sometimes have a welfare rights support worker who can help you or your GP surgery may have one.

Mylifestartstoday · 04/04/2020 21:42

Thank you @Nat6999. I currently am in receipt of PIP. I was ‘lucky’ enough to qualify.
I’ve never thought of it as gaslighting or emotional abuse, but I was looking through old emails to find evidence, and I’m shocked at what I’ve put up with. I struggle with memory issues, I think I’ve blocked things out, I’d forgotten some of the things he’s done.
My daughter has just told me that she told him she wanted to self harm on Thursday....he didn’t even reply to her, just stayed silent on the phone. Then called her stupid.
I need to chase the missing money. I’ve asked and asked him but he won’t supply
Mediation have agreed that I don’t have to attend because of the current situation and are writing to my solicitor to advise, along with the form I need to take it further.
I need to speak to the divorce court as I was at the stage of serving him but obviously that can’t happen due to corona.
I think I need to re read this thread, it may be helpful for dates of events, I also think I need to keep a detailed diary/log. I’m in the process of looking through emails and messages. I can’t let him/her destroy us.

barnesjake · 14/04/2020 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beenwhereyouare · 14/04/2020 16:59

@Mylifestartstoday

I hope things are better for you and your girls at the moment.

Mylifestartstoday · 15/04/2020 10:38

@beenwhereyouare. Thanks for thinking of us. The police wanted me to sign a community resolution. My ex said that the complaint had been dropped, but of course he’d been lied to (what a surprise), I refused and told the police I’m prepared to be interviewed under caution because the form means I sign to say I’m guilty of causing the OW fear.......you know what she was fearful for? One message was sent on the night I found out. It said “are you sleeping with my husband”, she’s now claiming 10 months later that she’s scared I know where she lives!! Anyway, I refused to sign. They rang me yesterday to say that the police were dropping the matter as it was apparent her complaint was tit for tat, and she was going to be spoken to. My ex is Adamant that the form was to say we have agreed to leave each other alone, that the situation has been resolved. That’s probably what the OW has told him, and he’s too trusting/stupid to find out for himself.
Both children have blocked him. They don’t want anything to do with him, the eldest says she doesn’t have a dad.
I’ve taken the house on the market because of corona. He hasn’t paid maintenance, keeps refusing to pay the mortgage. I’m past caring, really past caring. He knows she’s been lying to him, if he wants to lose his children, that’s up to him. I can’t control stupid

jm42 · 15/04/2020 21:18

So sorry to hear this and you must be devastated. The truth is the signs were all there & if you had a slight whiff of something untowards you were right. But we always go into denial until the evidence is there in black and white, and its truly shocking. All his devious behaviours point to an affair - I am speaking from experience, my DH was having affairs with 2 women at the same time. The fact you had such a long marriage is in your favour - seek advice from a Solicitor , hold you head high, be strong & leave that idiot behind. He doesn't deserve you & doesn't value his marriage.

Longlockdown · 17/04/2020 10:55

Have you registered with the CMS yet? Don't delay, they'll deal with him not you and you need the money.

Mylifestartstoday · 17/04/2020 11:25

@Longlockdown. Yes I have, first payment was due the beginning of April but he hasn’t paid. CMS aren’t chasing anyone due to Coronavirus until further notice, so he seems to get away with things once again

Longlockdown · 17/04/2020 12:10

But you've logged it, that's the first step. It'll be recorded as a debt. Maybe you'll get it and maybe you won't, but it doesn't look good to anyone if he's going to start saying he wants custody etc!
Remember - you can't reason with unreasonable. You have this.Flowers

Longlockdown · 17/04/2020 12:14

Can you ask for the three month mortgage holiday? It's not for everyone as it means it gets added to the end of the term. But if you are giving it up soonish anyway, it means you get until possibly August without having to worry about it. And it has the added bonus that it takes his 'power' away, if that's all he's paying and you 'don't need it'.
Obvs, the power is only his perception, of course YOU have taken charge of this!

Idontwantthis · 25/04/2020 12:41

They’re both scum. Your poor girls. Keep fighting the fight for yourself and them Flowers

aftertheinfidelity · 25/04/2020 12:54

I was in your situation a short time ago. It appears surreal doesn't it? Take care of your health. If you've lost your appetite you should drink boost. If you're tired, sleep. You may want to visit your doctor if you have trouble sleeping. Your physical and mental health are paramount! After some of the shock wears off you must make an appointment to see a lawyer. Don't worry about what to say or ask because they will tell you your options. "Dear Heavenly Father I ask that you watch over this woman and give her strength and stability, in Jesus name! Amen.

Husband having affair
Mylifestartstoday · 25/04/2020 13:16

He’s getting worse.
He has made no efforts to see the girls for 8 weeks. He’s blaming both myself and corona (even though he stopped trying well before lockdown). They blocked him, their own decision, because he wasn’t replying to any of their messages.
Now, he’s emailed asking if they’re ok. He’s been blocked for weeks, not asked about school etc etc. My eldest, 17, has requested that I don’t give him an update on her.....I don’t know what to do? As she says, she messaged him telling him she wanted to self harm and he didn’t respond, so I can see why she clearly thinks he’s not bothered. My youngest says she doesn’t care either way....it’s not like he’s really bothered, was her response.
So, do I respect the eldest requests - that I tell him nothing? And do I give a generic update (everything is ok) for the youngest?
We don’t know where he is living, who he lives with. He replies to nothing, but expects me to respond immediately when he emails.
Part of me wants to tell him to fuck off. He’s being very financially controlling, hasn’t stuck to maintenance (he is getting paid, he works in a key sector), has made no attempts to contact the girls, doesn’t reply when I asked if he wanted to see school reports.
It’s 10 months now, I can’t move on. I’m really struggling

ponchek · 25/04/2020 14:04

Life, this is a very rocky sea for you at the moment, and you must navigate it carefully. I am immensely sympathetic, but you must set some very clear guidelines for yourself and stick to them. And you will get through, quicker and with less collateral damage.

With email: either no response at all, or a very basic, functional, unemotional response. Just imagine she is reading it out to the police. Every single communication you have with him. Don't even say hi or bye.

For this email now: I'd suggest something along the lines of:

Thank you for enquiring about the children after 8 weeks of not responding to their personal messages to you. All is fine. I'm afraid, however, that a result of your lack of response up until now, neither child wants to communicate with you at the moment.

And that's it. Even that feels like too much emotion. But you can't avoid the truth.

With the OW: you need to understand that this woman has fashioned herself into your nemesis. This isn't in any way your fault - you are just the threat, and she's always going to want to take you out. Once she had claimed your ex for her own, she wanted to clear out the rubbish too - which is you. Understand that you are everything bad, and most likely the girls too.

Now this is a breathtakingly outrageous affront, and the sense of your ex giving this person preferential treatment just compounds it all into something too painful, hurtful and unfair to bear.

Yes. That's what it is.

Now pick that up and plonk it a bit away, where it won't bother you for now.

And focus on how you deal with an enemy. You don't give them anything. No information. No hint of your plans or feelings. No sight of what state you're in behind your shield. And definitely no chink, no way in to you.

Do not ever write to or otherwise communicate with or address that woman. Do not give her either the satisfaction or the ammunition or both. She has had enough of a field day with your and your children's lives already.

The same pretty much goes for him, but some communication with him is necessary, and he won't be as hostile as presumably does somewhere love his own children, and probably has some feelings of guilt/pity towards you. She doesn't have those feelings. She will be merciless.

And if you need to vent, write it down today but don't send it. Review it tomorrow and then you'll understand why you shouldn't send it. It will only backfire at you.

And now take what action you can, and make the most of the eerie silence of Lockdown.

Make an income plan. Face the reality. Can you get income from anything else? Can you do something? Money always helps.

Make a home plan. You need your own home. Do you need to sell or can you keep the house and him just be out of it? Investigate all options.

Work on yourself. Exercise. Get strong. Take vitamin D. Relax. Clear him out of your mind and soul.

Talk to the domestic abuse line(s) and ask them what to do about the insecurity of the house. And about everything.

I really feel for you. But the quicker you can face up to reality, distance yourself from the emotional melee and get strong, the quicker you and your girls will be out of the woods.

Mylifestartstoday · 25/04/2020 14:40

The house was on the market, but I removed it due to corona. It will go back on when this lockdown is over. I have no idea how we will be housed - he goes from offering me the equity so I can get a shared ownership to wanting me in the streets, and he won’t reply to solicitors. Mediation have said they can’t work with him due to the recent police involvement, which suits me fine.
She’s definitely out to destroy me, and she wants my girls out of his life too. Which is fine by me, and them, they want nothing to do with her.
I’m just struggling to match this behaviour to the man I was married to. He was the best dad, the best husband. I just don’t understand how this is happening.
I miss my life before, when we were happy, when our children were happy. I hate that he’s had such a negative impact on my girls. I feel he’s stolen my future. I can’t drive due to ill health. How will we get to uni visits? What will happen at significant birthdays, Xmas, graduations etc etc. This lockdown has given me far too much time to ruminate.
All of his stuff is still here in the garage and the shed. He refuses to remove it. I feel resentful that she’s having the nice side, and I’ve got all his shit here (he’s a hoarder). He won’t sign the divorce forms, so I can’t get him served under the current climate. I feel I’m drowning in treacle. I just want it over with.

Mylifestartstoday · 25/04/2020 14:41

@ponchek thank you very much for your advice. I know that’s what I should do. In other circumstances I would have just cut someone out of my life if they’d treat me like he has, but I struggle because it’s him. I genuinely thought I’d found my soulmate

Emeeno1 · 25/04/2020 14:43

All of you are on high alert and it is an exhausting place to be.

At the moment he and she seem huge, like an elephant on your chest but in time they will become like an ant. You can help this process by keeping distracted, focusing on your own life and replying to any communication in a business like manner.

Better times will come.

CoronaIsShit · 26/04/2020 00:06

OP PLEASE do not reply to any communication from him. In fact permanently block him from everything, if he wants to know how his DC are, he can go to court and make access arrangements, obviously their opinions would be taken into account, but he can’t do anything during lockdown. Just cut him out. Your DC know they can contact him if they wish to. As a PP said concentrate on any kind of exercise you can manage like a walk together with your girls or an online video, your nutrition, some meditation, some sunshine, reading, finding something to laugh at (watching You’ve Been Framed never fails for me). Just remove him for the time being while we are all in this situation.

Can you look into getting an occupation order so he can’t waltz in and out after lockdown? Can you think about some work you could do from home after lockdown like writing, making something, selling on eBay/Amazon? Use this time to try to think about something that could help you in future no matter how small.

Good that the police saw the OW’s shenanigans for what it was. Now they’re together, they want to make you out to be the bad guy so what they’ve done can be minimised. Don’t blame yourself for cracking. Others would have done a lot worse! You have been very restrained. You are a strong lady. You and your girls will come out the other side. Please tell your DD who was self harming from me, that her Dad is really not worth her self harming over, he may be her Dad but he’s just a man and some men are utter scumbags, and she’s too important to hurt herself over him. I’m sorry if that’s harsh but that has made me so angry!

Flowers for you and your girls.

Winterlife · 26/04/2020 01:08

I would only answer if it has any effect on property settlement. Otherwise, you owe him nothing.

If you do choose to respond, I wouldn't say the children are fine. I would say they are struggling, because they are. No further clarification is required.

If property values drop significantly post COVID, perhaps you could just assume the mortgage? I know you posted that you wouldn't qualify for a mortgage on your own, and you would prefer to have a start in a new home, but is this a possibility?