Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

Oh gosh Idont how awful for you, what an utter bastard he is. He’s angry because he’s been found out and now the whole world will know what a liar and cheat he is.

Don’t believe a word he’s telling you regarding child maintenance and him putting the house on the market. These are not his decisions to make, you are married, have children and he is about to find out he does not hold all the power. As others have said you need to find a shit hot solicitor. I’m glad you’ve confided in a friend, ask her about her solicitor.

I have said this before and I will say it again.

'What happens when 2 selfish people get together?'

It's pretty obvious really.

They're both miserable.

It's costs so much and they never really trust each other.

It's all a fantasy and in the cold light of day these relationship hardy ever succeed.

You can't build happiness on the miseries of others.

By the time the ex h finally realises what sort of ow can happily break a marriage, with no regard for anyone else and he comes begging to be taken back his ex wife has moved on.

The grass is never greener.

I agree with the poster who said get a face to face interview with a benefits advisor as they are complicated especially when you are on ESA, do you claim DLA or PIP?

He’s angry that he has been found out and is taking it out on you. He has already let his daughters down and threatening to force a house sale is letting them down even more so he’s full of bullshit. A solicitor will put you right on this and maintenance.

More has already come out, including its been going on 18 months and he’s been taking days off work, he’s met her child and discussed introducing your children, how was he going to do that? Other things will no doubt be revealed as time moves on.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, reach out to whoever you can.

Seek legal advice ASAP

Seek legal and benefits advice ASAP.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP.

For what it’s worth you deserve so much better than this man. You can get through this

I was married before to an emotionally abusive person. But I knew what he was like, if you know what I mean? This, well, it’s just knocked me for six. Ask anyone and he’s the best dad/husband in the world.

Could you perhaps speak to her exH to find out how the land lies. He may be paying her maintenance or her mortgage, and your H may not need to pick up so many bills? It could get very complicated.
Also you could check on the CSA website to see how much he would be expected to pay for your DC then you have a n idea, but I would suggest that you may be in a stronger position if you speak to a solicitor about maintenance being paid via court order as this may not have to stop when your children reach 18 whereas the CSA will

Oh what a shocking 24 hours you've had. You must be reeling. If it's taught you anything it's that it's not worth seeing him to discuss anything. He hasn't even got the grace to be guilty or keep details to himself (although when my cheating ex left he kept details to himself and it hurt for months as things came out gradually, so it's probably better to know).

He doesn't get to tell you what he will and won't pay for. It's out of his hands now. The solicitors will decide all that and he will just have to accept it. He's got a lot to learn. The "getting everything his way, having his cake and eating it" phase is over.

OP - the details of the past wont change your future.
But given what you said - it must have gone on for a lot longer since she already is so far along.

Before benefits - go to the solicitor. He can’t tell you to get benefits - he is liable to support his family until the financial settlement is agreed.
He has to still pay the mortgage and all the bills, just as it is currently.
He can’t force a sale of the house right now and neither can you.
Flip side of it - you can’t force him to move out, etc...

The other woman’s child and her expenses aren’t your H’s responsibility. It’s her exH’s job.

In the end - her can’t tell you what you can and can’t ask for. It’s a legal matter and will have to be decided according to law - and needs and income level.
He can rage all he wants. Don’t let him bully you.

but it’s him I’m angry at, not her.
why not her? She's as much part of the whole deceit and betrayal as he.

@pusspuss9. I am angry at her, but at the end of the day he chose to shove his penis in her. He could have walked away, and talked to me. I wish her husband had contacted me, and I would have known far sooner.
The fact I only know because I went looking, it could have gone on for months.
I don’t understand why he hasn’t moved in with her as soon as her divorce came through
I found her on Facebook. Didn’t message her but she must have been stalking me because she has blocked me. I’m not on there by my full name so he must have directed her to my account. I know he has spoken with her today but he’s staying at his dads tonight, or so he says.

I know where you're coming from. My exH left me after 45 years of marriage with somebody 25 years younger. The affair had been going on for 7 years before I found out. Some other people knew but didn't want to be the ones to tell me. I was (and still am) bloody pissed off with both of them. Now 8 years later, I'm so glad I'm rid of him.

Hang in there. You at least can hold your head high.

You are hurting right now and he is being a total arsehole .The fact that he says he didnt ever love you ,and all this crap is just his way of justifying his frightful behaviour to himself!.I think you realise you are well rid of him TBH. What kind of person phones in to work sick ,then sleeps with his mistress ?!.not one anybody would want for a husband for sure!.As far as threats about not covering mortgage etc he would be in breach of the law !

@pusspuss9 bloody hell, I don’t know how you survived. I have contacted another friend who I kind of lost touch with, and she’s on her way over.
It’s all the things he did, that I’m now having to do myself. It’s so hard but I’m being very level headed about it. The dogs are in his name so I’ve just been on and changed them to mine, just in case he plays awkward. He’s not getting my dogs.

@dottiedodah that’s exactly what my friend said. She’s going to help me tomorrow with claiming benefits and such like. He was too honest, if you know what I mean? Somethings he said were just to hurt me, like she didn’t buy him a birthday present but made him a cake. Why do I need to know that?
And the fact she’s introduced her 10 year old to him, when she’s just been divorced from her own husband, frankly is appalling to me, and she wants to meet mine. He hadn’t even left me then

They are unlikely to end up together. If they were, he would have ran off with her once she got divorced. But he didn't. He just wants to hurt you because you found out and he can't keep having his little fling anymore. Plus it makes him look bad and he doesn't like that.

Either way, never take him back. You will move on and get over this. He will no doubt spend the rest of his life alone, without even his children to love him. Serves him right.

I know you said his boss wouldn't care about his affair but would the company care that he is seeing someone who is 1. Junior to him and 2. That he is in charge of. Most companies don't like people being in relationships if in the same team. I would tell them.

Seems they go well together really doesnt it!.The things I have heard about friends divorces : Told when pregnant ,he wanted a divorce!(nice)!.Gone off with BFF (even nicer eh!) .Exh owned several houses but didnt want to pay CM!.The list goes on .WTF about a cake ?!.Sounds like a 5 year old!.Sending many hugs to you xx

Hes saying all of them horrible things because he is an arsehole. If he felt all them things then what does that say about him, being able to "live a lie" or whatever rubbish they come out with, for so long.

Him and the OW are ridiculous talking about the DC meeting, shows you the fairytale they live in.

Keep your head up OP, what a pathetic man.

Also fuck his shitty cake baked with seedy love.

Op he is a 1st class idiot giving up so much.

My exh said similar things to me when he left - people take to me out of pity and such things.

When the situation had calmed down I asked him why he had said these things - he said to hurt me. Yes, at the time they did hurt me but 9 years on I have moved on

Hugs for you and your children

What an absolute arsehole. I'm staggered.

He did this - and he has the temerity to be angry with you?

He is going to get what's coming to him when he realises he can't bully you into not making a claim to make him pay for his own daughters!

You are so much better rid. He's not a nice man. Not at all.

I actually don't think he wanted her either.
If he did, he'd have been gone.
He doesn't think you'll take him back and he's trying to hurt you with words.

He fecked up and when he calms down he'll be feeling very sorry for himself I bet.

He's only going to be with her because his hand was forced.
It'll end in tears.

Keep going OP, you're doing brilliantly

Just as an aside you can arrange an assessment for your needs from social services / OT assessment now your circumstances mean you are on your own. Have a look at claiming PIP if you don’t already.

Sorry you're going through this op. You must feel so shocked.
It's good that you've reached out to some friends for support.
Do you have a joint account you could empty or take half out of in case he decides to withdraw all cash?
From other people I've known whose husbands have left them, the agreement was that they were supported in the family home at least until the youngest child is 18.
You'll know more when you've seen a solicitor.