Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

I agree with posters that are saying if he loved his mistress he would have moved in 7 months ago when she got divorced.

Just wanted to say OP you are doing everything right so far. Lessons I learnt from going through something similar.

• Don’t engage with him, use a technique called ‘grey rock’ if you have to use simple business like terminology.

• Don’t try and make him see sense or understand things from your point of view. He, like all other cheaters are devoid of Empathy, if he had an ounce of empathy he would never have done this to you in the first place.

• if you can afford it use a solicitor, make the most of the free initial consultation that most of them offer.

• Don’t do the ‘Pick me dance’ (Google it)

• Don’t be afraid to tell people what he’s done, keep getting support from friends and family.

• visit chumplady.com website, join the forum, read other people’s experiences.

You mention alot about him ending up with her. I did exactly the same, it gets easier over time. 4 years later I really couldn’t give a shit what they are both up to. Let the OW have him!

You sound like an incredibly strong woman, you’re doing great. Be strong, keep fighting!

Drive to his dads and ask for food and money for food and tell him why. It might feel humiliating but the more people that know he’s an asshole the better including his dad.

I got divorced 10 years ago, through mutual agreement rather than an affair, although I had my suspicions. The initial separation although inevitable was still a shock so OP you are doing sooo well coping with this, must be so hard but the alternative is unthinkable if you hadn't found out and continued a marriage with this affair going on with a highly unpleasant sounding husband. In my experience the solicitors/courts are extremely focused on the welfare of the children and minimising the disruption to their lives, which will mainly involve ensuring they continue living in their house. I don't know much about sickness benefits but without his income this is surely means tested. What a bellend to take all the money out of your account!

@justilou1. His dad hasn’t even rang to see how his granddaughters are, not one phone call, so I don’t think he cares

I’ve found all kinds out today. They’ve been out to shows together, he spent my daughters birthday shopping and buying the OW an expensive pandora jewellery set.
Now tell me if you think this is as strange as I do. Let’s say I like Cath Kidsfon, the girls like princess Lego, I like a certain high end chocolate, and I like to go to certain specific shows. What are the odds on the OW and her child liking the exact same brands and food, shows etc as me? Because that’s what he’s been buying her, things he would have bought us. I just find that really weird

I’ve got a free have hour appointment with a solicitor this week

I'd still get in touch with his DF, tell him his S has emptied the bank account and you have no money for food.

I would be surprised if her daughter liked the same stuff as yours just because of the age difference.
He really is a bastard

He's dad probably does care but though he may not agree with his son he will come down on his side.
As I would do with my son.

However you need to focus on you and your needs.

As for buying the presents it just show total lack of imagination, because- he's not that bothered.
It's all a front ti keep her sweet.

These men are all the fucking same, it's absolutely laughable. And sad, pathetic etc. They are just so STUPID. They are just so cowardly they can't say no to the attention. They are so STUPID they give up everything for a shit, half existence disgusting life with the ow. One day you'll pity his sad arse. Until then, one hour at a time. You are all truly, TRULY, better off without that scum in your lives.

Nothing to say except that you are brave and he is a cunt.

You are doing really well OP, Things will get better

Big, big hugs OP.

oh OP. sending a huge hug and just wanted to say YOU ARE AMAZING. head up, keep going, things will get better

He's buying her the same stuff because he's got no imagination. My ex was the same. I used to live in Rome, I took him there in the July, showed him all my special places. In September I found out he was cheating. He took her to Rome for Valentine's Day. He also took her to New York (our previous holiday and another place I knew well) for their next holiday. He just didn't have the originality or imagination to go anywhere else.

His dad is probably reeling a bit from the shock himself and being fed a tale by his son at the moment. Hopefully he will come round.

Just another one saying you can do it. The advice you've had o. Here has been good. It's shit, there's nothing to make it feel better short term but long term it will be ok. You are showing your daughter's an amazing example.

Did you get sorted for money, OP?

Catching up-
So sorry OP stay strong and focused on you and the girls

@Apileofballyhoo. He said he would drop a massive £30 tonight. No sign. ive got £1.61 in my purse. No money I can get elsewhere. He just keeps stooping lower and lower

@Apileofballyhoo. He said he would drop a massive £30 tonight. No sign. ive got £1.61 in my purse. No money I can get elsewhere. He just keeps stooping lower and lower

.

Shocking and disgraceful excuse for a man and father

he’s a fucking twat.