Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

Hi Op, I hope you don’t mind me talking to you on this thread - I came across it earlier this evening and read all of it!! Goodness me, you’ve been to hell and back, haven’t you? And your poor, poor girls🌷🌷
I believe in Karma, and sincerely hope that it catches up with that toad of a man ( and his foul floozy ) before very long. As I’ve been reading your thread, I’ve found myself willing you on to better things!! You must be devastated, not to mention worn-out - but please believe you are doing the right thing and your girls will know this, both now and in the future - he will never again have the sweet joy of a true father/daughter relationship - he has tainted it for good.
I have never known the pain of a divorce, only the pain of being widowed... but I send you all love and hugs and strength for your future lives. Us ladies surprise ourselves (And others!) with what we can cope with, when life is cruel to us...
wishing you all the best, and don’t give up! Xx💐

I can’t believe I’m still in the same position!
A court date has been set, but he’s yet to exchange form E. I’m fully expecting him to lie on his form E to claim he has nothing.
I’ve been given a place on the freedom programme, I would never have myself down as being in an abusive relationship, but it seems I was.
He has nothing to do with our children, they haven’t heard from him since March. He has blamed me, corona, but now it’s their own fault he hasn’t seen them because they’ve been influenced by me?

How does a man who was once a very involved dad, turn into someone who doesn’t care about them? From seeing them every day to not seeing them for 6 months, to not asking how they are. He now, we’re guessing, lives with her and her child so sees her child but not his own. It would appear his affair started 3 years ago, so I imagine he must love her. It still hurts so much to think that he’s done this without so much as a care in the world. A man can do whatever he likes, with very little in the way of consequences. He has a new life, while I try to pick up the pieces of his mess

Its horrible OP how they change ... him blaming you is standard practice- it makes him feel less guilty for what he has done. My exh dumped me for someone he’d been seeing a few months throwing 14 years of marriage away without a second thought. I thought I’d never get over it but thankfully I was wrong. Keep strong - it wil get better.

Hi OP, have read this entire thread tonight and am in awe of your strength and resilience. I know you won't be able to see this yourself but you've shown so much courage. You should be really proud of yourself. How are things? X

Hi OP, hope your feeling a little stronger.
I've just read your thread.

Detestable man, sorry excuss for a human being.
I'm so sorry this has happened,
Wishing him all the crap in the world, he doesn't deserve children.

He will regret was he has done one day, think of the future.
He can run but he won't be able to run from himself forever.

Whilst you in the future will be lovely mom, nan-nan
He will be refered to the crap dad who threw it all away for someone he probably wont stay with.

Arsehole, crappy dad.
He's an idiot

You deserve so much more

Just read the whole thread, can’t believe how long this has being going on !

@Lovethyselff. It’s still ongoing. His form E was a work of fiction. He’s cashed in pensions to ‘pay for marital debt’, which is news to me (and debt was taken out way after we separated). He’s missed pensions off, missed savings off......but managed to have a go on his form about my parenting ability, which doesn’t quite seem fair.
He has questioned my parenting, which is rich coming from someone who hasn’t bothered with them for 7/8 months, but he’s concerned about their emotional welfare and stability. Maybe not having a lying cheating twat of a dad would help their emotional state. He claims I’m abusing him. It’s never going to end, he’s messaged to say he thinks I need to give him money because I’ve got more than him. Priceless, when you consider he’s spent every single penny I ever had. It’s just never going to end

Hi OP, longtime lurker here, I followed your thread from the start, but I never had the confidence to comment. (or knowledge on divorce/courts, I'm not in the UK)

I'm hoping things are finally advancing in a good way for you and your girls and that your family of 3 (with dogs) stays strong.

Maybe I'll find more words at some point, to explain why your situation really hits home.

But please realise that you are the rock your girls need you to be. Even if some of the times, you don't feel it.

and plants for you!

@Navilana. Thank you for your kind words.
We have moved house, and that has helped us move on emotionally.
He hasn’t seen the girls in a year (apart from when he drove past the eldest).
He rekindled things with the other woman, and I think he lives there with her (although he’s denying it in case it affects the financial settlement).
He’s still accusing me of parental alienation (I think he listens to the OW too much), although he never contacts the children. He claims he messages them every night, but we tested that theory out, and it’s another lie.
I sometimes still have panic attacks at the memory of what he’s done (last person you’d think would do this blah blah), but overall we’re ok. Life goes on, just without him in it. He’s the one who has no idea which universities our daughter has been offered, what their predicted grades are, he’s missed pivotal years of their lives and they’ll never fully trust him.
I know deep down we are better off without him, but I can’t deny it still hurts, even after all this time

Thank you for answering to my post, OP 🙂
Can I just say that you are much stronger than you thought you were? You're doing it, the marvellous job of providing for your girls and giving them an outlook on life! (proving him and every accusation he made, wrong, in the process!) And you moved from the house where so many bad feelings surfaced, that huge part must feel awesome!

Your daughters will realise they have a parent who is there for them to lean on throughout life. They can already see for themselves (sad, but true) it is as simple as picking up the phone and calling your child and following through the promises you make. Your girls will learn not to rely on their dad. And that is his doing, it's not on you. It really isn't.

I'm not the only one who's proud of how far you've come, I'm sure. Please allow yourself a wobble, as much as you allow yourself to feel confident, that yes, you overcame your marriage.

Don't let him fill your head with idle promises and nasty lies for longer than a minute. Make a mental note of that silly musquito man and when the time comes, speak things through with your sollicitor.

It took my mum 10 years before she received the papers proving she was divorced. She believed my "dad" would be decent, would make life okay for her... Some people are not worthy of your trust.

A lot of people on here want to be here for you, in case you ever need support, a rant, advice or simply hold your hand for a while 🙂

Take gentle care of yourself