Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I didn’t want to read and run but OP that sounds unbearable.

What is the worst that could happen if he accuses you of not being “on his side”? A big fight? Maybe you need a big fight to get him to wake the fuck up and step up for his family.

[Mediumred]

Hmm, no real advice but I grew up with my dad being constantly “let go” from jobs despite being, according to him, an asset to any company. It was the 80s and an uncertain time economically, but as I got older and joined the workforce I realised that my dad was just a bloody awkward bastard who would be first to be let go when trouble struck despite being a clever bloke, he never wanted to be told what to do/bite his lip despite this being what is required sometimes in any job.

Sounds like your fella is similar. I have to say that my dad was not a good employee, but he was also a pretty terrible dad/husband (aside from the economic issues). How is your fella on these measures, if he is lacking in other ways I would be looking to get shot, if he is otherwise a good father/husband could a life coach help, maybe some people just aren’t suited to the corporate game, but he should realise it’s hard for all of us who make a living and it requires compromises.

Very good luck, it sounds terribly hard, I wish my mum hadn’t suffered so much with feckless, big-headed dad. Xx

[KavvLar]

I don't want to start firing questions at you OP but what's he like other than this?

My DH is lovely but has a real blind spot for interactions with others, and like you we've had a couple of spells of no income. The worst was unfair dismissal and thank God it got judged as such in court. But it doesn't make it easier when you have that nagging feeling that they could have tried harder / not died in a ditch over being right / proving a point / insert specific issue here.

It is stomach ulcer worthy stuff being in your position, with all the anxiety of keeping the family going but no influence over how he retains employment and presumably how he conducts himself.

What's his take on it? Is everyone else the issue as far as he's concerned? Does he see a problem?

[Iamboudicca]

My sympathies OP. It sounds like my DH is simmilar, although he freelances now so tends to go through jobs like the salts When he’s working he his a high earner and so even with the frequent gaps he still makes more financial contribution than I can... so we are stuck with it.

His skill set means that he generally seems to get another position fairly quickly - although it doesn’t feel like that when hes been looking for weeks and we are stuck in a crap cycle of constantly trying to deal with projects being cancelled and the demoralising job hunting. I find this really hard, although he claims it doesn’t bother him.

That being said perhaps working for himself and contracting out for 6 or so months at a time might be an option for him if he can’t commit, focus on a job long term?

[WTFIsAGleepglorp]

He needs therapy. Fast.

He sounds like he resents people over him, when the only reason they're over him is that the didn't keep getting fired and worked their way up.

Unless he can get a handle on his attitude, this repeating pattern will keep on repeating. 🙁

[Hastag0417]

Thanks for all replies, I thought I was going to get a negative response. You’ve actually made my blood run cold as I thought I was being inconsiderate but it really is a constant worry. Yes, he’s the first to be ‘let go, yes he’s always In the right or not given the right direction. So, here’s home life. A fantastic dad but not there as an husband if I’m totally honest. Great in the fact he’ll come home from work and do the evening meal (that’s so he can listen to the radio) while I do all of the putting children to bed routine. The weekends are for ‘relaxing’ I have to nudge to get anything done, he won’t change a lightbulb ‘not his expertise’.
He got a large payout from the last ‘restructure’ but wouldn’t pay off any bills, c cards and continued to live like 3k was coming in every month. This soon went and he started to panic when we had a months mortgage left. He got his latest job and swore he’d be Mr Peter Postive when what I suspect as always is he’s Mr Larry Lazy fucking bastard. Sorry, I’m so angry and he knew I would be that’s why he’s not told me until I’ve pushed and asked if he’s getting his bonus. I can pretty much see we’re going to lose our home. I thinks it’s a matter of when not if. He’s being put on a capability plan and we won’t have anything to pay the mortgage if he doesn’t step up. But he doesn’t get it, it’s still not his fault, it never is! He has days working ‘from home’ I’ll come in and he’s asleep or making music on his laptop. At the weekend I can come in from work to a pile of pots/housework and him sitting next to them tapping away on his laptop. But he has to ‘relax’. I don’t know what to do, I’ll get the hurt, angry, ‘you add on the pressure, you don’t know what it’s like, you don’t support, you go off on one blah blah blah. Yes, I do because I’ve got 2 young kids that don’t deserve this shit.
And totally digressing.. why are we awake at this time?! 😖

[Hastag0417]

Absolutely spot on that’s exactly how he is. I’m partly relieved (that’s not quite what I mean) that I’m not alone in this. I thought I was going mad!

[Decormad38]

My DH was suited to higher management. He also lost a couple of jobs. It was stressing him out badly. He has found a job now where he can be creative, go off at complete tangents and they seem to let him. Your DH seems disagreeable though that’s something any bosses are going to find difficult to work with. Im currently showing candidates round for a job and my senior told me look for positive attitude- you can teach knowledge and skills but can’t change attitude.

[Decormad38]

DH wasnt suited - correction above

[HennyPennyHorror]

Do you earn?

If not, that would be the most sensible way out of this situation. Rely on yourself OP...only on yourself.

[vinegarqueen]

Another one with a dad like this - he has a honeymoon period with a job and then the manager doesn't get him, his colleagues are ignorant/lazy/underqualified. He is a contractor so luckily he has never been let go, but he finishes a contract and refuses to stay on or work around his obvious issues with authority and working with other people. Drives us nuts, but he isn't going to change now as he walks into other jobs fairly easily so he never had to. You sound like you need some couples therapy or some other mediated conversation so you can express how anxious you feel without him going off at the deep end.

[Hastag0417]

So what should I do, the short conversation last night was shut down pretty quickly. He got all puffy faced and choked “he’d had to deal with it alone” “it’s hard” “not talking about it anymore”. I feel I need to get through to him that he can’t keep doing this but he doesn’t see it.

[HennyPennyHorror]

I see you've posted before about being very unhappy with him OP. I think you'd honestly be better alone. Living in fear of someone fucking up your life is FAR worse than taking the reins yourself.

[MitziK]

And the way he behaves towards you is exactly why he's constantly losing his jobs. They're just not required to put up with that kind of shit/blaming anybody and everybody else/going on the attack when pulled up for incompetence/laziness in the way he expects you to be.


Have you considered firing him?

[justilou1]

Did he consult you about the car first? If he did, were you totally aware that the job was precarious? Sounds like he’s on his own page and maybe you and the kids are in a different book completely!

[SummersB]

God poor you. That sounds so stressful. Honestly, I don’t think I could put up with this long term. As a family we have been through years of money worries and so I know from my own experience that it eats away at you constantly. It’s like you can never, ever relax properly and you always carry this hard lump at the pit of your stomach. It’s awful and I really feel for you. For us it started when DH was made redundant and couldn’t find another job so tried to start up his own business, but it never brought in any significant amount of money so the pressure was always on me to provide. The problem was though that he really enjoyed what he did so even after a few years, even when it was clear that the “business” was never ever going to turn a profit, he kept at it. To be fair, he was never wasteful and everything he did bring home went on the family, even if it meant him walking around with holes in his shoes, and he did so without complaining. But it just wasn’t enough. I told him a few times that I wasn’t happy and that I found it really stressful to constantly be living from paycheck to paycheck and was permanently dreading something breaking or going wrong because we wouldn’t be able to replace it, but nothing changed. In the end I sat down with him and told him that I was resenting him for causing me so much stress and pressure all the time and that it was killing of my love for him. I knew if things didn’t change I would walk out with the kids and he could tell, and I think it was the wake up call he needed. He finally started to look for another job and eventually last year managed to find one. Life has been so much better and for the first time in years I feel this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We are not well of by a long shot but I don’t feel I have to constantly worry anymore.
I think you need to really examine how you feel about your husband and your relationship. The fact that he essentially turns it on to you and makes you out to be a nag is really unfair and designed to paint him as the victim. This attitude is also reflected in his attitude to his co-workers and bosses - he’s clearly a slacker but it’s never his fault if he gets the sack. I would find this level of immaturity and laziness really unattractive.
You need to be honest about your feelings and communicate them clearly to your husband. It’s up to him if he chided to listen this time, but I know what I would do if he didn’t. Good luck OP

[SummersB]

Oh, and I for my part am awake and Mumsnetting because I’m on a night shift (Neonatal Nurse) and all my little charges are sleeping peacefully

[ohamIreally]

Mitzi has it exactly. He sounds like a lazy teenage boy and I doubt you will change him now.
You really don't sound like you are getting much out of this relationship.
It might be worth looking at downsizing your home and potentially moving on without him. Your boys will grow up terribly insecure and will come to understand that their dad is a "feckless big-head" as PP so eloquently said.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I think if he got all puffy faced you actually did get through to him a little. He then ceased up to protect himself. I suspect under all the arrogance and bravado is a very scared and damaged boy. And yes, I mean boy. What was his childhood like? What are his parents like?

[junebirthdaygirl]

Does he have ADHD or some other disability? Has he got mental health issues? It can happen with bipolar that they take on great jobs when a bit elated as they are often quite gifted in their field and can do amazing work while in an upmood. Then when the down comes they cannot keep it together, make mistakes, sleep a lot, and run out of steam completely. They also can find it difficult to be objective about themselves feeling others are the ones changing , not them. ( apologies to anyone with bipolar for the gross generalisations there)
What way did his dad operate around work?
I know that some people don't worry if someone else is doing the worrying in the relationship. So if he says l am in trouble in work and you said l'm sure you will work it out then the responsibility is back on him.
I hate that..oh you worry too much stuff..its a total cop out and enough to make me want to get out as he has no consideration for your feelings.
You said he wouldn't clear debt etc. Do you have no access to this money so you can build a nest egg for the rainy day?
Can you insist on getting some of that money into your hands so you can save and build yourself some security.
If you don't work start working so you can become independent but don't let him pile bills on you.
Could ye both go to a counsellor where he could hear from someone else how difficult he is making life for you and his children.?
But right now do your utmost not to comment on his job . Just smile and say as above...l'm sure you have it in hand and swan off . That is very difficult to do. He is letting you do all the worrying while he acts like an immature teenager. Change the pattern as he has become too used to it.

[AgentJohnson]

He paints himself as the victim so he doesn’t have to change.

The difference between his employers and you, is that unlike you, his employers have decided not to accept his excuses. You can not change him and he certainly doesn’t want to change.

The price of staying with this man, is financial insecurity and irresponsibility and that has to be in the back of your mind whenever making financial decisions. The pre-booked holiday was a crazy idea, the priority should be paying the mortgage, bills and building up a buffer.

Your whole relationship dynamic sounds terrible, a very unhealthy relationship role model for your children.

Handwringing never changed anyone, the balls in your court.

[MumsyJ]

Doesn't sound like he's a people's person professionally.

He needs to learn to eat humble pie and wear the hat of collaborative working. I mean, there's only so much you can do if he keeps being resistant and defensive whenever you address this issue. Gosh, I understand your anger!

He needs a work coach / mentor that is, if his ego lets him. He can access such resources online and free.

[Triglesoffy]

What sort of job does he do?

[Oilyoilyoilgob]

This must be awful, the constant uncertainty on whether he’ll have a job at the end of the month/week/year. If it hasn’t already this has the capability to make you really unwell.
I think a very basic ‘need’ if you will is not only a roof above our heads but to be able to go to sleep knowing that it’s secure. That constant adrenaline (google adrenal fatigue) is horrendously bad for you.

Would be see a life coach? There must be issues and reasons as to why this is happening that need sorting ASAP. Alongside that and I’m really not saying this lightly, it may be time to start thinking about how YOU are.
It sounds like you have to put so much energy into his work life, that you’re going to run out of steam. This can/will (is?) make you really unwell.

To shut you off and cut you out blaming you “this is why I can’t speak to you” is massively unfair. Basically saying it’s my way or the highway. Which is fine if he’s single but he has a wife and two sons to think about.

He needs help/a life coach/counselling and quick to sort out why this happens and to put a stop to it. How he isn’t tired of this shit is beyond me 😕

[cordeliavorkosigan]

When I was looking up how to tell someone will be a good employee, one of the main things that people highlighted was attitude . Basically they said it's a very bad sign if the person blames others, blames the situation and doesn't think along the lines of ' next time I should do this differently' or 'maybe if I had .. ' when asked about something that didn't go well.
So to me, his attitude speaks volumes. This won't change until he wants it to and even then it would be hard.