Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

Your dh sounds like my dd2's boyfriend.. Only he is 19 years old.. Just left his job because the manager is a twat and boyfriend could run the place better... Yeah right...
My dd has ditche him because while she knows this is insecure teenage boy bravado, she says listening to him is boring and tedious... Can't imagine what being married to someone like that is like.
OP... I'd seriously start planing life on your own, up your hours or change jobs yourself, sort out outgoing.. Bare minimum.. Take financial control. I'd be telling dh that all salary now goes into your account and you will pay bills etc, and try to start saving some of it.

From your original Op 'Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income.'
There's your big problem. Even if you work I'm assuming it's not going to be enough to maintain what you're use to.

If this has been going on for years, if seriously start looking to LTB - and I rarely say that. He's not going up change. Maybe he'd be better at a lower level job if his ego will let him go for it. Maybe he'll get another high level job, but then the stress remains the same. I couldn't live like that, and it sounds from your subsequent ops that you're reaching your limit too.

Op, looking at you previous posts about how unhappy you are with him, there's only one solution, you need to leave. You need to get you and your children out of that toxic environment.
In 2015, you wasn't on the mortgage, he was awful to you most of the time and you were going to save money to get out.
I'm assuming that any money that you saved, covered his last period of unemployment.
You state back in 2015 how you're worried about leaving would affect your eldest. The children are learning from their father how to treat women, learning shitty work ethics, that money is easy come, easy go.
They are learning from you that women should shut up and put up, clean the house whilst he sits on his laptop 'relaxing'.
This whole situation is wrong and it's potentially making mini carbon copies of their dad.
For their sake and yours, you have to leave, get out and stay out. Don't waste more years 'saving' for that elusive miracle amount that will free you, it won't happen.
He is controlling you, shutting you down, he's financially abusive and emotionally abusive.

I suspect that, in addition to a poor attitude, he has been promoted beyond his capabilities. That is what is leading to all the excuse-making, as his lack of performance is probably being exposed in these interactions with his managers. It would honestly be better for him to take a job one notch down and keep it consistently. His pension etc must be all over the place!

It's interesting because I do find myself getting a bit over-invested and perhaps a bit jaded once I have been in a role five years. That seems to be the natural moving on point for me. Whereas getting critical and wiser than your boss when you are new in a role is a very bad sign - how arrogant do you have to be to think that you don't have to learn?

He needs to swallow his pride big time, go to them and say that he wants a mentor/support to help himself improve. Or, move on and take a role at a lower level.

In response to the do I work? Yes, I bloody do and another reason I’m so bloody boiling. I was made redundant after 15 years last November, work outsourced from a 9.30-2.30pm job. I’d have stayed there forever as it allows me to be around for Ds1 who has CDD and lax ligaments, he’s due to start secondary school this year and I absolutely have to be around to take him/collect at least for the first 6 months as it will be a massive transition for him. My redundancy pot gave me enough to be off for a year. However, rather than sit on my arse I decided to find a job that allowed me to be there for my kids. I became a self employed consultant and it’s actually very good and a decent income when you get the clients, shit if you don’t but needs must. I’ve spent the last 3 months promoting, shouting from the rooftops and getting enough income to put in half of what I was earning in my last role so my pot can now last me 2 years. While the kids have been at school I’ve done cleaning at my brothers and dads for a few quid (all helps). I had a new client a week ago
come to see me and basically offer me a part time job cleaning and shovelling shit and do you know what I jumped at it!!! It’s seasonal but allows me to keep the pot for when there is no work there or my clients are low. So I’m now working 6 days a week to ensure I can be at home for when my son needs me. I’m running round like an idiot at the minute trying to do everything, I’ve not slept properly for over a year since hearing about my redundancy (hence why I’m writing posts at 2am) 😖. I’m full of anxiety at the minute as both jobs are new and I’m learning but I love them both because they allow me the hours I need. So I hope that clarifies that I’m not expecting him to support us. He found me crying this morning and the first words where “don’t do this, don’t start, I’ve got enough to deal with” so as per advice above I told him I couldn’t carry on like this and it had to change. I said I felt sick had no sleep for worry and his response was “that’s cos you’re on your phone all night” he then said he absolutely doesn’t know why he’s got this grade, and then maybe he’s going for jobs he’s not qualified to do. When I suggested bloody asking why he said he only got vague answers. I do not believe this for a minute, he has known this has been coming months, he said a few months ago his review noted him being defensive. I’ve told him it’s the home life as well, the spending what we don’t have, not telling me his outgoings so we can budget. He technically earns enough for me not to have to to work but says why should he have all the responsibility” So apparently my crying, worrying as made his stressful situation worse and ‘managed to make it all about me.’ His parting words where “why don’t you try being a supportive wife! I think I might now try seeing the Dr for something to help me sleep, half term, clients and 2hours sleep don’t mix! Thank you for every post you’ve made me realise I need to do something.

Op, you have a good attitude and work ethic, he doesn't. You're fundamentally different. We all know the men (and its almost always men, but definitely not most men) who very quickly think they should be running the organisation tehyr in. They always are quick to point out problems.

I think you need to split. Sell the house while you still own it, buy yourself something smaller and look after your DCs by yourself. Your health will improve and you will no longer have a financial and emotional drain in your life.

So you are expected to support him, but he won't offer the same back?!. Honestly, OP you will find it much less stressful to split as you will have control over your finances and no worries about the roof over your head.

If you are hesitant to do that (understandably), you could try counselling alongside joint household budgeting. I would also work on the assumption he will be redundant again soon, so cut down on the spending, trade in the car etc. Sorry.

I agree with Trigle. You will get some benefits to help you along. Get that house on the market and get somewhere cheaper if there's any equity. Anything would be better than living with someone this selfish.

OP, if he is on an improvement plan then it will be fully documented so he knows the issues. He isn't facing his problems, if it's due to his ego then I think he won't change as he will be too invested in his victim image.

His defensiveness is the issue as without acknowledgement he can't change it.
Tell him you are being supportive by getting him to confront the real issue, ask him to see a coach/counsellor. That is all you can do..the rest is down to him.

Practical steps, do you have equity? Could you downsize if needed? Can you cancel the holiday/sell the car? Knowing you will manage will help your anxiety as you will feel more in control.

Also phenergan (anti travel sickness, hayfever) is really helpful to get sleep. GP recommended it when I had stress. Take it early in the evening as it can make you drowsy next morning however. Do some yoga exercises to help with anxiety..a few poses which help.

Hi I’ve lost number of the amount of posts that don’t know him but have the very same opinion as me. I’m tempted to print off every response and say these people don’t even know you so how is it just me that thinks we need to do something just to get it through to him as I do think the mental health, counselling, lower job, house sale basically everything mentioned really is absolutely spot on. Or is that going too far? I think if someone showed me over 50 responses saying I needed to sort my shit I’d probably take note.. any thoughts?

I agree with AgentJohnson.

Time to split, he's ultimately an entitled, workshy person

I am really chortling about the poster who advises to become a server at Madonald's and pay private school with half and save the other. Haaahha

I don’t understand why you booked a holiday relying on a bonus to pay for it? Bonuses are not guaranteed!

Don’t show him the posts. It will enrage him even more and he will bemoan the fact that you put this on Mumsnet. Quietly get your ducks in a row then present him with a fait accompli. He is in acute denial so even a thousand million posters telling him the same thing won’t make him listen.

Its not you, its him and I also think you need to separate sooner rather than later. Both children will pick up on the awful atmosphere present in your home and its really no sanctuary for them either.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. A few more months, let alone years of this from him, will simply see a further decline in your overall mental and physical health mainly because of him. Is this model really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. Your doctor may well give you anti depressants but that will not address the underlying problem here which is your H. People like your H do not change; this is really who he is.

I would not show him this thread at all, you need a safe outlet and he would likely dismiss all the posts as a bunch of harridan women who know nothing about anything.

Your H is a selfish and self absorbed individual whom you are expected to support fully without reciprocation from him on his part. Apart from your H having a family my BIL has exactly the same attitude and he is a narcissist. He cannot hold down a job for any length of time either because of his overall attitude towards others (he comes in with big ideas and wants to be the CEO) and I notice too that he has always been one of the first, if not the actual first, to go when the time comes. Its always other people at fault here, never his. All these big ideas of his always comes to nothing yet he apparently knows all sorts of people. None of them have offered him a job.

My ex was like this OP. I simply could not live with the stress so I worked full time and worked my way up to well-paying jobs that enabled me to be self-sufficient. It was so very hard - I had 3 young DDs but I knew I couldn't cope if I didn't earn money.

My ex never once even entertained the thought that he might be at fault though. He was an arrogant, cold dictatorial worker who was not liked wherever he went and was in and out of high jobs - because it was always someone else's fault. He couldn't take direction and could never accept he might have been in the wrong.

He was a very unpleasant man and I'm very glad I left him. Don't spend your life living like this. It's just not worth it - and neither is he.

Oh gosh op, I feel for you. That sounds so stressful for you. Agree with what everyone is saying, but after five failed attempts I think the truth might be that be that he is just not suited to what he is trying to do and needs to change track/step down to a lower level. Either that or he is just a lazy sod!

My goodness you poor thing you sound at breaking point

Unfortunately it sounds like your H has a superiority complex and won't change. I recently worked with a person like this (who was in a junior role) and he was a nightmare. By the sounds of it you'd do better on your own

My now exh is like yours, the worst thing he did was to take 3 different roles at my employers and have these issues in each role. He has destroyed my reputation at work and I'm now changing my name. He has no contact with 2 of our 3 dc due to his attitude at work being brought home. Don't take his shit for 20 years like I did. Your stress and anxiety will be so much better without him

He's abusive OP.

And he is not a fantastic dad either if he treats you and in turn his children like this. Why did you write that to describe him at all?. Women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing else positive themselves to write about their man. That is precisely what you have done here.

You’ll never get anywhere with him, unless he agreed to joint counselling (do you want joint counselling?) as it’s seems he is unable to discuss things in an open and supportive way.
If he’s constantly dismissing you then I think without help it’s no point being with him.

You could be single with your kids, earning money but not living this nightmare where you’re married but really not married, if you get me?
No emotional support, not able to speak to him, no sitting down and looking at finances?
He might want to put his head in sand but you don’t have to.
You sound strong and capable and I imagine without the stress of him? Your business would take off, as all of your free mental time could go on that and not be stressing about him.

OP this was me too, for so so long. I stayed until the youngest of three DDs was 19, working flat out as a freelance and doing all the childcare etc (except at weekends), including seeing two of the DDs through very serious physical health problems. I had to rely on myself 100% as I couldn't rely on him, full stop, he made terrible decisions, had no insight and refused all help. Everything was someone else's fault and he just bashed his head against the brick wall of how useless he was.

I eventually called time and I'm now happily divorced and financially independent, while he is jobless and sponging off some other poor woman. Physically my health somehow survived all the stress, isolation and worry (though betablockers were my very great friends!). The effect on me emotionally though has been to make me completely self-contained. I have had no real experience in my life of being supported rather than being the supporter, so I won't have another formal relationship I believe. I'm fine with this - but you perhaps have a chance to pull out now, rebase your life and save your heart.

OP, this has been years of the same. I do want the best for you, but you are enabling this man to ruin your security, home-life, mental, physical and emotional health, new business and the future of you and your children.

Is he really worth all that?

Waiting for the right time is a fallacy and part of the enabling. There is no green light moment waiting to tell you when it is time to go. It was time to go years back and you've plodded on, telling yourself you're preparing when actually you're hoping for a miraculous change in your irresponsible, uncaring, mean-spirited husband.

My friends husband is like this, I don’t know how she puts up with him. He works max 6 months out of any year before being out of work. He’s taken them right down to the wire financially before. It’s all him, his attitude. Other people in his sector hold down jobs. He’s arrogant and always right and it must be very difficult to manage him.

My friend took min mat leave (2 months) and has always worked full time. He thinks his job is far more important than hers. Even when he’s home he contributes very little to domestic life and can’t look after the kids or do housework as ‘job hunting’. My friend is run ragged. Don’t let her life be yours. The big difference I think is you see it, and are starting to challenge him. She daren’t.