Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

Madcatboy there is a massive difference between leaving a job by choice to go to a new one and being managed out of every job you have because you're a pain in the arse

It clearly is a problem, otherwise why would he be having issues so soon in a new role?

It also means that he never builds up continuity of service or acquires any benefits associated with that.

I agree with @another20.

I am in a similar situation (partner has long term depression which he declined to mention before I moved cities to be with him ).

He has not been able to hold a job down, has been made "redundant" several times & has had a long term sickness absence.

Of course I have ended up being the one who keeps the roof over our heads, has all the stress & worry. And unfortunately been his enabler. As said in PP, people like him need competent, effective, together people like you.

I had a bit of counselling on my own as I was so unhappy, and discovered I had co-dependant traits.

Definitely get support for yourself. And decide your boundaries. For me, I am not prepared to downsize & want to move back near my support network. And instead of reacting to the latest crisis, I am planning my escape as I am now so resentful I cannot continue in the relationship. It has killed me love for him.

AlexiaAmberdextra

I appreciate she had a job for 15 years, but in this climate not everyone is that lucky. In my opinion a reality check s needed here. I repeat 1 job every 3 years is not unreasonable. Redundancy etc is a horrible thing to go through and everyone is just trying to make a living.

My point is this. If it was losing a job every 3 months and then not working then finding another etc that to me would be unsustainable. But some people do take shorter contract say for a year or 2 then have to move on for what ever reason most times out of there control.

We all will hit hard times with work and if your hitting hard times every 3 years for a 2/3 months, then I'm afraid in some parts of the country where work is so hard to come by then that is the reality of life for lots of people. The ability to get up from a knock down quick and carry on is the key. It sounds like 1 job every 3 years is a good example of that.

There is no need to get personal about checking hearing tests. Please refrain from being impolite. Thank you

It wasn't me 101.

I am aware of the difference so I state. A job every 3 years to me is not "So soon". A job every 3 months or so is. Reality check please. Comments like this make me appreciate my partner so much. Like I said in 20 years I have max stayed in a job 4 years. Never been unemployed more than few weeks. Will find anything to work, but that does not make me a failure or reckless.

Madcap
I did 30 + years, in pubic sector plus some in the private sector. In the early part of my career I moved regularly to broaden my experience, but then longer stints. My last 3 jobs were 2 years ( sideways move due to restructuring) 6 years and 10 years . All were at senior level . One of the issues in the Public sector is people moving frequently- and not being there to deal with the fall out from their poor implementation of their ideas.
If OP's DH is a senior manager moving so often is worrying for a future employer , especially if they are being performance managed or frequently selected for redundancy.
OP certanly isn't workshy by the sound of it- it seems her DH has either been promoted beyond his ability and/or has personality characteristics that mean he does not work well in a team - as his comments abut her father's illness suggest.

Dasy May 2

Thank you for being so polite in your response and you make fair points.
In the place I work on one has stayed more than 3/4 years and then move on after. Average is about 18 months. I agree with public sector. Too many people (Who work hard and put there all in) moving and not being invested in and just thrown away for cheapness. No wonder we are in a mess but thats a different story

I've not read the whole thread but can I just say that I'm in exactly the same boat as the OP's OH and am not lazy, feckless and by all accounts I'm lovely!! I worked in the same school as a teacher for 10 years and the previous school for 3 years and only left to take a promotion near home. I was a well respected professional person on 45k per year when I left teaching. . . .

Then I leave, go into the third sector and last a year in my first job as I'm too clever, refuse to be bullied and they replace me with someone on 4k less a year than me, and now in my current role after 2 and a half years I'm about to be fired for gross misconduct for something that I genuinely haven't done but they're not listening to me, and guess what? my assistant came back from maternity leave a fortnight after it all kicked off and is now sat at my desk doing my job on 13k less a year. I've had no performance management reviews and no training in that job and there is zero investment in staff.

It's not fair and it sucks. So I'm going on supply and going back to teaching. It's not always a case of being useless!!

Snotiest fox

Right on. Same here. I am also a teacher. Can't go into too much detail but was lied to about the position (False advertising but found out too late due to with held info so at the time turned other potentials down) and found myself on a 1 year contract during summer hols, which will end in about a term.

WHY? Funny enough despite excellent refs inc getting on with people etc had many interviews (seen them) hired someone 12K less.

Sometimes it's not an excuse, profession is so desperate especially come summer they make lies, pay you more than what they want (Although they don't say this and it's still quite meagre M5 for 20 years), and then that gives them time to look for cheaper alt)

I really feel for you snottiest fox as I've been in this position too. Be careful on supply and try to go with agencies that will give you security. Supply isn't as it use to be. Gosh this sounds like TES rather than mumsnet

He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start.

The point isn't that he is unlucky - anyone can get made redundant - but that OP has observed a repeated pattern of behaviour that gives an employer a good reason to ask him to move on or identify his role as redundant when restructuring is happening anyway.

Op how you doing - your reply to me is even worse about his childhood than I expected - how do you “survive” your DM leaving to the other side of the world - by constantly telling yourself “ it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault” - I imagine - been through own horrendous divorce - still have to keep telling my kids it’s not their fault - but I’m pretty sure sometimes when I’m angry when I’m struggling I expect they think this - their DF is a cunt he has made things as difficult as possible.

I think in your shoes I would downsize anyway - (actually I’ve had to) take some of the financial pressure off - I’m all for giving people a chance - there are some very strong views held on MN not sure whether people are always talikng from experience or just if this happened to me ... I also believe people can change if they are understood -

As for the person looking to leave the partner with depression - I guess you should have been given the chance to know about this before you moved - On the same token - you are planning your escape - so you are not being completely honest either - as someone who has long term depression - I would hate to think this is how I was regarded - but hey maybe this is how my x felt- I wasn’t working was SAHM by agreement - but maybe he thought I was a lazy fecker - I’m sure my Ds does - thank fuck there are some people who understand depression as with MH figures increasing we could end up being a nation of intolerable human beings - all wanting perfection in our partners and anything less is LTB - would be interesting to know what the male view of this is?

@greenberet - I think you were referring to me in your post.

I don't think I owe him honesty now, given that he was shagging his co-worker whilst I was pregnant (didn't know at the time).

Having to support someone (with depression) who betrayed me in such an awful way - no thanks.

I just need to sort myself & my DC out.

@MoreProseccoNow - yes i was referring to you - did I miss the bit about co worker - if so I apologise - but as someone sufferring with long term depression and currently at a low I found your post towards this a bit insensitive. Maybe I interpreted it wrong! Maybe he’s just a cunt!

I am also competent effective and together - if I chose not to reveal my MH you would probably have no idea - but this is the stigma isn’t it - I think we all have MH issues on some scale or another and whilst we fit into the pigeon hole that society dictates these are manageable - try and come out of what is “expected” and then that’s when the labels start!

How are you doing OP?

Sorry op I know this is a zombie thread but if you are there was this resolved?

I'm a contractor so my jobs only last 2 years at the most.
Why don't you get a job yourself? Why are you relying solely on your husband?

I'm like the husband in the post and so can have empathy.

Op - sounds like he needs to step up more with the kids abs you need to work full time. You can’t rely on him to bring home the bacon while you work 9:30-2:30

Oh it’s a zombie!

A friend taught me something which has changed my outlook on things.

"Don't worry about things that are out of your control".

Maybe he's just not very good at his job and gets found out.

I've a friend who's recently admitted this. Lol.

*Maybe he's just not very good at his job and gets found out.

I've a friend who's recently admitted this*

so what did they do?

*A friend taught me something which has changed my outlook on things.

"Don't worry about things that are out of your control*

the problem with worry though is that it is a natural tendency in the same way hunger or thirst is. One cannot simply just stop in the same way they can't stop getting hungry or getting tired.

Does he seriously think nothing will happen to him at work? I am trying to understand how 2 weeks ago he can be disciplined/warned/put on a plan/whatever, and then a week later he buys a new car?!! Who does he think is going to pay it?
You need to be in control of the money at least.
Let us know how it goes, OP.

Oh piggin heck I really hate it when it's a zombie thread and I don't realise!! Would love to know how the OP got on though. @Hastag0417 do come back and tell us.