Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

You’ve been complaining about him for years. What are you still doing with him? Do you love him? I’d find it very hard to respect anyone like this.

Can you downsize the house? Sell the new car? Or would that just give him money he’ll again piss away and breathing space?

Do you have access to his accounts? It sounds like you don’t know what he earns.

He’a dragging you down financially and mentally.
He’a a shit dad as he’s creating insecurity in his children’s lives rather than making them secure.
He’s NEVER going to step up, no matter what interventions you put in place, this is his personality.
So YOU are going to have to plan a better future for you and your children.

*He’s

Do you want to be back here with something else he's done as more years pass?

If he's on a capability plan they are basically managing him out. Because he's not going to step up, so yes it's a matter of time. He's also not being open with you, because he will know exactly what the issues are and he will be being micro managed to an acceptable level of performance.

If you're not happy in thr marriage as it is, I'm not sure why you're putting yourself through this. Just end it.

Hi yeah you’re right showing him would not make a jot, it wouldn’t be his fault. I think I’ve just gone sleep deprived desperate 😖. But my day got worse at 8am I got a call to say my dad had collapsed (recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s) another reason I can’t get a bog standard 9-5 job so I’ve been flying around try to speak to Dr’s, paramedics, rejuggle clients and my kids but I’m almost relieved with the excuse to be staying at my dads for space. I’ve been to the Dr’s and got sleeping tablets and booked in for a anti depressants chat next week. Oh, and I’ve spoke to H who says it’s totally the shit management not giving him direction!! He’s also feeling bad enough without me adding a spin on it! I’m feeling better and your responses have helped me take action so thanks all.

You poor poor woman. What a week!

I absolutely could not live like this it would kill my love.

There is lots of good advice on here and I second checking out MSE website.

if you want to stay with him you will need to accept a new reality. You will need an iron fist on finances and to live well below your means to ensure a buffer.
Eg if you have £5K pm household income you need to be spending 3.5k or less all in.

The “good times” will always have to be saved and can’t be used to buy a nice new car or go a on fancy holiday. These treats have to be forgone because daddy is a feckless twat who can’t keep a job. And trust me, after 12 years, this man can’t/won’t change.

Personally I would leave - peace of mind is priceless.

I’d also like to call complete bullshit on this utter gem....
”he was graded as “needing improvement” and took one for the team as ”someone had to be placed there”
Nooooooooooooo
He was rated as needing improvement because he needs to improve!!!!!!
I am a “team player” and have only ever had exceeds expectation. My entire department was just graded and everyone was 3s and 4s except one person who was a 1 and is now on a PIP (which she is failing horribly).
She (coincidentally???) will also tell anyone who will listen I “don’t support her” or “give her proper direction/guidance”.

I can sympathize with all those going through this nightmare.
My DH was made redundant yet again for the 4th time late last year .
Like others he seems always to be high up the list to remove , as was shown by him being removed ASAP when his latest company had a takeover.
All this doesn't help me with a nearly 57 year old DH who is increasingly grumpy and aggressive at work and at home . He has this attitude of that's me,that's my views,if they don't like it or me they can fuck off!

Again this fault has just been re iterated by the 3 rd thanks but no thanks from what could have been a great opportunity. 🤦🏼‍♀️
He asked the interviewers if they thought he could do the job and would fit in - all said yes but now we hear no. I am guessing they felt too pressured to say anything negative at the time and he took their comments as the truth .
He feels justified now in being the wounded party and can't see any blame his way.
As his family we can see that his behaviors are to blame for such consequences but it seems he and others like him really can't see it at all.
I try hard to be supportive and also to gently suggest that he tones himself down for interviews which he promises. Then the confessions come later as to how it didn't go quite to plan - come on!!! Really?? Surely he could conform for his family's sake ? It seems not...
One more opportunity is still on the table - wish me luck!!!

OP no real advice other than perhaps it's time to start looking out for you and the kids only. The one thing that struck me is he's approaching his 2 year anniversary, normally a good time to remove someone without fuss, especially if they're already on an improvement plan. I would be expecting 'the news' very soon

It does not sound like he is going to change. I think you're going to have to make changes for you and your DC.

I'm glad I found this thread. My husband is exactly the same. We are also going through the fifth time of this.

I am also fed up with it. I know my DH is the root cause of it - it's not just bad luck. He also contributes next to nothing at home. I work full time, sometimes worked two jobs to keep us afloat. The effect on my health has been terrible - mentally and physically.

I have made a mistake in that I have been weak. I have gone along with his profligate spending when it isn't what I want. We also have a massive mortgage based on earnings from jobs he can't keep. This makes life stressful and basically a grind.

I can't go through this again. So having read this I need to make changes. I'm going to have to really reflect on how we live. And why.

I'm sorry OP. You're not alone in this.

Poglets and mumof3dogs - are we all married to the same man? 🤯🤬. Good luck, Poglets let’s stay strong together. I’m going to stay and look after my dad for few days aka not going back til he sorts his shit out. I feel better from reponses above and some sleep (here I am again at 3am). I’ve decided Im having nothing to do with the work issue anymore! I’ll be telling him the minute he’s fails the capability plan the house goes up for sale and we won’t be getting another one together. Now, I could be wrong but anyone with an ounce of self respect would pull out all the stops to overachieve what’s been asked. We’ll see!! He has the two choices from now on.
Secondly, I’ll be asking for full outgings ect and keeping a tighter hold on the finances. He’ll be stopping his nightly booze fest that’s for sure! And I want him to see a Dr re depression. He’s also on a capability plan with me now too! Either ship up or ship out. I’ve got to stand my ground now, I’ve coasted for far too long. I’ll keep you posted on the outcome... next post ‘anyone know a good lawyer.’

Good luck op. Time for a change.

Brava Hastag!
Sounds like you're on the right track now to take control of your life and if he doesn't join in the team effort, you can sack him as well as being more of a drain than anything else - because he IS!! He might bring in more money but he spends it as well; he is of no support to you whatsoever but expects unquestioning support FROM you, thus draining you emotionally; and he's basically a selfish dick.

I don't actually think he will pull himself together, and if he does, I would expect it to be short-term only.
There is a chance that he does have a MH condition - bipolar springs to mind, especially with the self-aggrandisement and the spending money you don't have - but then again he might just be a selfish arrogant prick who thinks the world and everyone in it owes him something, whether it's a living, respect or support, but he doesn't owe the same to anyone else back.

I hope your Dad is ok and regains his health, but it's a good opportunity for you to take a break, take stock and get everything ready to make the next move - and I feel that you are going to have to make that move, even if your H manages to sort this particular job out for now, it won't last.

Also start looking for alternative properties - in all honesty, it sounds like your mortgage is too big anyway, if it relies on your H being in employment in a decently-paid job - and then if your H does turn it round, he can come with you when you move (if not, he can sort himself out).

Best of luck - sounds like you've been working towards your exit plan without even realising it fully, so you're much closer to it than you would have been if you'd only just started!

What's the point? Who wants to be with someone they have to manage and threaten. Just sell up now and leave him. He's not adding anything to your life.

I think your DH crosses the line when you said that your father was ill and his response was “oh great, another load of stress you’re dumping on me” (or words to that effect) - what a self-centred, selfish, nasty thing to say. As if you deliberately engineered your Dad’s illness, just to wind up your husband?

How does he treat his own parents, as a matter of interest?

crossed

”he was graded as “needing improvement” and took one for the team as ”someone had to be placed there”

I'll also call bullshit on this. His manager would rather have all his employees on Exceeds Expectation or similar rather than one that clearly isn't making the grade. He'd find an excuse for everything it seems.

Well done OP.

Your own capability plan!

He is abusing you. And you need to hold your ground on that. The facts speak for themselves and he is unable to learn the lessons of them.

He needs therapy. It is his only hope and the only hope for the relationship.

I'd see a solicitor asap OP. Get yourself informed and prepared.

I was in the same boat as you for years except mine was ‘self employed’ together with short periods of employment. The employed periods gave us some breathing space financially but I would then have to hear how the companies were doing it all wrong and how he could earn far more on his own. Cue him being ‘let go’ AKA ‘going self employed’ and the whole sorry cycle would start again. I used to joke that he was ‘part time, self unemployed’. Except after years of financial struggle because of his entitled and irresponsible attitude it was no longer a joke. All the respect and love had gone. It’s now just me and the children. I have always worked and, of course, it’s still a financial struggle but I no longer have the seething resentment and anger on a daily basis. I’m no longer expecting him to take some responsibility so I can no longer feel let down when it doesn’t happen. As someone upthread said ‘Living in fear of someone fucking up your life is FAR worse than taking the reins yourself’. Take control now. He will not change.

Sorry that your dad is unwell.

Other posters mention that you have longstanding relationship problems. It would therefore be sensible to plan for a break up and consider your “bottom lines”.

My father is a good dad (less good H IMO!) but had numerous dramas at work, partly out of his control partly due to his traits, and periods of unemployment. It was stressful on the whole family. A couple of times he wanted to relocate (again): mum refused and there was conflict. We were only (justabout) OK financially because mum worked FT too, in a challenging but low paid role.

When I became a parent I continued to WoH as I would never want to be financially dependent on a man. I would also not want to remain in a relationship with a man who chose cooking/radio, every night, over parenting the DC, and “relaxing” all weekend at the rest of the family’s expense.

Your H’s employment situation is unlikely to improve, given his behaviours at work and attitudes. It’s much more likely to get worse - he’s on the out at this place and his chequered CV will be harder and harder to explain. As he gets older ageism can be a factor.

If you stay in the relationship, I would seek to WoH, with your H doing parenting in the week too, and reduce outgoings. WoH to give yourself and the DC more options and security is IMO an even higher priority than caring for your unwell parent.

Your H sounds unreceptive to your feedback, but I would nonetheless ask him to do everything he can to improve his performance and keep this job.

This is a classic case of REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

He's not responsible for anything and nothing is ever his fault. In the work place, this is a bad apple. Refusing to speak to you and turning it around on you is gaslighting. I really feel for you and agree with everyone else who says rely on yourself instead.

You have to stop hoping he will change.

People rarely change.

When they do it's because they are prepared to fully look at their behaviour and work with a therapist.

If you want this shit (and it is shit, no one would be happy to live the way you are having to live) then stay with him.

If you want a chance of happiness and stability for your dc, leave.

It IS him and NOT you.

Ah, yes, I'm Surrounded By Idiots syndrome. Almost exclusively "suffered" by men. Symptoms: chronic inability to hold a job long term, strong tendency to make noises about how the management are idiots, he's the smartest one there, his job is below his capabilities, everyone is out to get him, everyone else is a brown noser, blah fucking blah. Actual cause: he is lazy, arrogant, not as bright as he thinks, has zero work social skills and never knows when to shut the fuck up.

I have to say that I've never seen a cure. Just get out OP. You can't rely on him, so just rely on yourself. It will be stressful and tight but it will be better than this. You can do it.