Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

I'm reading this with interest as a close friend has a similar issue with her DH. There's always a problem at work which means he has to leave. But it's never him. I can imagine this is really stressful. Your H needs to take a look at what he's doing to make this happen. If he's not prepared to do that you need to think about whether you can live with the anxiety of your life being dependent on him with this behaviour.

OP, I think I might know of the best anti depressants on the market.
It worked for me 100%, it worked really fast as well. The side effects are amazing.
I used it. It worked within a week. It didn’t cost that much (in the bigger scheme of things) and I haven’t looked back.

It’s a jount therapy of LTB, and divorce.

🤣🤣🤣🤣😁😁😁

I’m not kidding, I had all the classic symptoms of depression. Leaving so I didn’t have to deal with my now exh was one of the best things I ever did for my mental health.

Good luck, look after yourself. There is a new beginning just waiting for you if you want to grab it.

Lol, MN, changed very smiley faces to grimaces. They were totally meant to be mega smiles

Is he an engineer, OP?

OP everything will always be someone else's fault - and he clearly lacks empathy.

He isnt going to change - ever. This is going to be your life - unless you decide to change

Hmmm it's very easy to pile on and say LTB but we are only getting one side and people are complex. For the sake of your children is at least try couples therapy and see how you go. They can be great when you've gotten to the point of being unable to talk about a certain issue. Most people could write a post about one aspect of their partner that would mean everyone would pile on with LTB. But where does it get you? Where does it get your kids.

You can only change how you react to him. You're also getting something out of this relationship otherwise why on earth would you stay with such a person?. (I would ask the same question of you poglets).

Your H is not for changing. My BIL is still the same workshy and arrogant shyster he ever was.

Do you really think that such a man crazygolf, would actually deign to see a counsellor?. I doubt that very much actually. Such men really do think that its everyone else's fault and not theirs re their parlous job situation.

It also does OPs children no favours at all to be seeing such an awful example of a relationship.

Part way through this I started to wonder if you were one of my best friends whose husband is EXACTLY LIKE THIS

Has repeatedly been in trouble at work yet has somehow moved on to better paid jobs but he's perfect and everyone else is an arsehole, my friend also feels like she's on eggshells and can't bring it up.

I think you need to open a separate account OP to protect yourself

Otherwise I don't know how to help as I can't help my friend either

She will never leave, her family are very religious

I’m sure the DH would see a counsellor and then blame the counsellor for not understanding him. He sounds like my first husband who blamed everyone else for everything. Our Relate counsellor lost her rag with him which goes to show how twattish some men are as the Relate personnel are very professional indeed. It’s all “poor me, poor me, fuck you, poor me.” Leaving him was The. Best. Thing. Ever.

I think you need to fire him too. He's clearly never going to change because he never thinks he's wrong, so time for you to change things instead.
Good luck

It sounds like he has been recruited well past his level of competence!

Sorry, I think he is never going to hold down a job because he is too good for anyone.

@AttilaTheMeerkat is right. I am co-dependent.

I do know I am now. Had a year's therapy. I have become much tougher than I was. But, essentially, I put up with far too much. And this does impact your self esteem, grinds you down.

My husband came home today wanting an employment lawyer that costs at least 1k a month retainer.

This only continues if I enable it. Sadly.

It sounds like the case of a disordered personality... It is almost impossible for him to change.
You must decide for yourself if you're willing to keep putting up with it.
I had a boyfriend like this. Incredibly full of himself but kept changing jobs, because 'they are all dicks' But he saw himself as special. And above everyone else even though he was spongeing off a single mother!

I hope your Dad is better

Interested in his drinking habits that you mentioned?

Loads going on here, could be personality disorder, could be addiction, could just be an entitled, tedious, irresponsible knob.

Could be all 3.

But this won’t change. He is nasty and bitter - he is the common denominator here. He will soon be unemployable with a CV like his. You could down trade the house and encourage him into a lower paid/lower stressed job - but IME of these types - he will just fall out with these bosses as well.

He might well be racking up debts in his delluded approach to life. He will take you all over the cliff. I have seen this happen twice with such types.

You need to plot a way out fast before he does any further financial damage to your future.

I am sorry that you are going though this. But you can’t fix it - but you can call it - sooner rather than later.

Op are you me?

Of the last 5 jobs (permanent ones) my ex has been 'let go' from 2, walked out of 1 and been on capability in another.

His attitude stinks. He's quite the salesman, charms employers then fucks everything up.

This has all happened in the last 7/8 years.

I made the mistake of resigning from a job when kids were little. He wasn't supportive of me working but wanted the trappings of financial comfort. He was also resolute in his position that additional work was beneath him (p/t bar or shop work)

I tried to resign three times, my boss kept asking me to reconsider. Now I realise that she was trying to hold onto me, that I was worthwhile. I didn't understand it at the time though...the stress of finances etc was horrendous.

I'm ruined financially. BUT that's just for now. I'm in a decent job, working FT, earning the same as him.

Go figure!

Also, I stopped the anti-depressants two years ago, after being on them for 14 years..a pp mentioned similar above and i just wanted to agree. There's a saying along the lines of

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression, check you're not surrounded by fucking idiots"

I feel for you OP...

@Hastag0417 Any update, op?

Hi Knit&pearl, No update as such. I’ve tried to have the work chat and it’s still not him, and I truly don’t think he gets it. “They don’t like me cos I have opinions” 🤯🤬. I’m internally exploding with a response but trying to be firm but diplomatic and express to him how his ‘opinions’ affect not just him but the whole family. I’ve clearly stated that if the job goes this time there will be no waiting for the next, I will have the house up for sale rather than lose it and it will be the end. I can’t live in a constant state of anxiety anymore. So much of what’s been predicted by posts have hit the nail on the head. Ie it’s not his fault, he’s not got depression and he doesn’t think we need any form of counselling! It’s almost embarrassing and I’m certainly losing respect now rather than being an emotional wreck and worrying. I’m no longer hand holding him but concentrating on other areas of my life. I’m getting my ducks in row so to speak. My jobs are going amazingly well but I’m so busy I literally don’t have a minute and I’m running on adrenaline/nervous but excited anxiety. I’m thrilled at being able to earn a living and be able to be home for my eldest son while he makes the transition to secondary school. All await the next post 😖🤯- I found out tomorrow if he has a place at our preferred school ( highly unlikely) and it will be a whole new stressful situation but hey you never know I might not need to worry. I’ve been looking after my dad and speaking to his doctors, specialists. I went back to my GP and she’s offered anxiety meds which with everything going on I think I need and some CBT therapy which I’m going to take up. I’m at the stage of getting mentally strong and financially secure in the event of moving on. It is actually very sad for me I don’t want to separate for all of the flaws he has there are some positives (unfortunately currently being outweighed) I dread the impact on the children so would try and salvage it but it will no longer be at a detriment to me!

He's been taking the piss with you, work and you and DC's security for years.

Time to chose for you and DC. Cos he won't change. But you can.

You are doing the right thing to be looking ahead to a future without him, you do not deserve this stress, it might be this shock - hang on it’s not just that I’ve lost my job but I have lost my wife and kids - that makes him face up to his shortcomings.

And if not, you’ll be out of there. Win-win.

Really proud of you and your amazing work ethic and positive, can-do attitude too. Good luck today with your lad’s school!

Op I read this thread last night and have just seen your update - so very very sad - what is your Dh relationship like with his DM - did she do everything for him - was he mummy’s little boy that never grew up - his attitude will have come from somewhere - bit like my X - had a very close relationship with his Dm - knew he would be devastated when she died - didn’t realise how much he “blamed” me for a lot of his own issues - until he had an affair after her death - very very low and OW swooped in and took advantage.

Their is talk of ‘ego’ on here - this is exactly what this is about - despite his outside exterior - there is one frightened little boy - he’s not quite as good as I expect his DM led him to believe - did she always fight his battles for him - in the playground - it’s not you it’s the other boys - except in the real world we have to deal with stuff and if we’ve never been taught how we come unstuck as your DH is slowly realising. Thing is if he admits all this to himself - he could have a breakdown - because he will realise that perhaps what his DM told him isn’t true - that’s a very difficult notion to get your head round if he has/had a close relationship with her - the person that loves you “unconditionally” in an attempt to “protect” you has lied to you and done you untold damage!

My divorce was extremely acrimonious - I got shafted by my x - lied & manipulated whole process to “protect” his business and work image - funnily enough he is personality of the year in his industry very well respected - shame he’s a cunt in RL - someone has mentioned narcistic personality - your DH is showing strong traits of this - absolutely no respect for you and what you have done for your marriage - i knew what my x was capable of - my solicitors didn’t believe me or saw me as a vulnerable cash cow - abused me in the divorce process and let me down not once but twice - I’m still fighting the battle - 2 years after my final hearing - my story is all documented on here - read it - it may help you make your mind up!

My Dd often comes to me with “gripes” about a particular school friend - I don’t know why she has an issue with her but she does - the friend has had lots of problems and often acts inconsistently - I try and get my Dd to see things from this girls prospective even though my Dd just wants me to agree with her - which honestly would be easy to do as she doesn’t like it when I don’t - the thing is her DF is manipulative and abusive to her in very very subtle ways - I’ve had to tell her often that his behaviour towards her is nothing to do with her - it is him that is very very wrong - this thread has made me realise how important these gripes are with this friend - if I just agreed with her to brush it off my Dd could end up thinking any slight against her is someone else - I have to teach her that each friendship/ relationship needs to be looked at on its own - one answer does not fit all - she had a very very close relationship with her DF - she was daddy’s little girl - not any more - as much as this divorc3 as been a living hell I can slowly see some positives.

My downfall is I have a big heart I’ve been told this - I think this translates to I tolerate too much - I have had ongoing depression for 20 odd years - a symptom of an abusive relationship - but also that maybe my boundaries have been to lax - I’m a believer in that people can change if they have enough love and security to be able to explore their demons - they have to feel safe to do this - I’m also a believer in try to lead by example rather than punish to get the results you want. It makes life difficult and I’m still to see if this works - my x was very much a case of passive aggressive displeasure which ramped up to fucking nasty during the divorce - yet I was the unhinged bitter ex wife - I have my proof that everything I said he was capable of he did but I wasn’t believed at the time

Good luck op x

Sorry, that all sounds so tough...

I would cancel holiday and other luxuries, and start living very frugally to create a buffer for hard times

Good luck with the school place!

I would ask how HE was going to fund HIS share of the 'family pot' as I will not be using any of my savings to 'support him' as I will be using them for the reason I have saved them.

He is delusional, entitled and arrogant. Don’t waste your breath discussing anything with him - as tha answers will all be predictable delusional, entitled, arrogant lies - and it will all be YOUR fault.

This is now damage limitation - very work hard and very fast to get your ducks in a row to get out ASAP.