Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

Sounds like my friend's husband. Every job starts promisingly - particularly tediously, she and he always, but always claim he's been 'headhunted' 🙄 - and he lasts about a year, eighteen months. And it's always because the manager is a prick, or everyone else is incompetent, or whatever. Truth is, if he were footballer, and you bought him for what he's actually worth and sold him for what he thinks he's worth, you'd make an enormous profit. Not half as dynamic or intelligent as he thinks he is. And has a substance abuse problem, which doesn't help.

@MrPickles73

I'm a contractor so my jobs only last 2 years at the most. Why don't you get a job yourself? Why are you relying solely on your husband?

Ffs! read the full thread even if it is a zombie. Don't make such a prat of yourself

Well, Hi, I’m back due to a mumsnet nudge. I didn’t realise there was such a thing as a zombie thread! Crikey, reading that brought back memories.. so what’s changed? Erm, nothing really. The job I was writing about came to an end as predicted it would ‘ reshuffle but only he and 1 other went! He got another job in the middle of the pandemic which was much less pay than the one before but went very well (probably at the right level imho). He started to look for better paid roles after 18 months and is currently in a 5.5 months in and a few weeks off the probation period. He’s had good feedback on the most part but at his review on Friday he was told “to get closer to people, stakeholders etc). I think we’re at the stage where he absolutely daren’t lose another job. The impact it’s had on us financially is huge, we’re so lucky to still have the house and it’s only because we had family that could help for a bit and a property with equity. It’s hard to explain, I think he’s a loner and now he works from home I do hear more of what he does and can see he’s back to back. I think he cherry picks his tasks maybe, and excels in the areas he likes, and capable of, and dithers, ignores other areas. We all have parts of a job we don’t like but we do em rather than get pulled up on it. I think we’re at the point that he knows another failed job will be the final nail at home too. I’m not making excuses for him but I think he has some deep seated issues with confidence, abandonment etc. which I blame on his mother leaving him at the age of 14 to live on the other side of the world. He basically bought himself up but I thinks he’s a closed book, internalises, overthinks and just simply ignores stuff that’s possibly awkward and uncomfortable. I think this slips into work, as I mentioned above and he can complete the technical side or the stuff that’s done alone let’s say, but I don’t think he’s a team player. Unfortunately, we can’t be like that and the roles he’s doing requires meetings, conversations and stakeholder management.
I did find the leave him replies hard to deal with at the the time of the post, believe me I was ready and at the end of my tether but it’s not that easy is it? when you have 2 small children that would be absolutely broken. As a family we have a great time and have fun and there’s a lot of other things he doesn’t/wouldn’t do. I don’t have to worry about him cheating, he’s not out with the lads every weekend. He’s so laid back (part of the problem at work I think) His life is to be at home with me and the kids so it’s not that easy to just walk away but god, it’s frustrating that we have this one area of repeated issues.

OP, I hate to say this, but I would leave him. Only because I spent many years being up at 3am stressing over difficult situations that were created by other people in my life; that I had no control over.

Then I got sick from the stress and it's an illness I'll have for the rest of my life.

I really wish I could go back and tell myself to remove myself from such situations. The stress is so toxic and it simply isn't worth the damage to your health. You want a partner who at a minimum does not stress you out on a regular basis, and ideally detracts from your stress most of the time.

I wish you all the best.

Ooooh thanks for the update, I read this yesterday and am glad to hear things sort of worked out. He also has some good points!

@Hastag0417 - thanks for the update. Best of luck to you both

I have another thread about ADHD diagnosis for myself and reading this post its the first thing I thought of. I am not knowledgeable enough about ADHD as I am pursuing an appraisal but from my own career he sounds very similar. Very driven to get the role, good at settling in, then sees the 'system' and 'knows' how to fix it, improve it - people end up being the barrier and they are then the focus of the problem. Boredom sets in - then its 'them vs me' then its an impulsive leave/ look for new job. Thats my pattern which I have only just realised is not everyone elses pattern. Maybe this would be good to investigate.

Sorry @Hastag0417 I meant to copy you on above post. From reading your update his lack of love for mundane detail is interesting. Does he get revved up by 'the big idea'?

This stood out for me: 'I think he cherry picks his tasks maybe, and excels in the areas he likes, and capable of, and dithers, ignores other areas'

Hope he gets sorted.

Thisismax… one word Definitely!!! That is exactly what happens and I’ve never considered it being ‘something’… you’ve certainly made me think.

@Hastag0417

Thisismax… one word Definitely!!! That is exactly what happens and I’ve never considered it being ‘something’… you’ve certainly made me think.

@Hastag0417 I am not diagnosed but strongly suspect I have ADHD. Because of this I have a read a lot about it especially in work contexts. Your husbands behaviour around work/interest/ progression/tolerance of low interest made me interested. I find organisations really hard so now I work freelance into organisations in a more directive way so I don't fight the system and hate the gatekeepers of the system. For the record I'm highly qualified to Masters level, very respected for my skillset but unable to progress in a role. Sound familiar?

@ThisisMax… oh yes very very much so. He’s extremely intelligent and good at what he does but his feed back is always stakeholder management. He gets loads of praise at the start but later falls down. I honestly dont think he likes working with others not in a rude way but more of him being a loner. Hope that makes sense. Your post has certainly made me think .. very interesting. Do you struggle in social situations?

@Hastag0417
Ok so I think Im an introvert doing an extroverts job and I get exhausted by it because I miss cues- so they could be interjecting, overtalking, not getting the social norm/unwritten rules. So I used to take challenging roles that involved making sense of complex, multilayered problems- that is my strength. I make it simplified, and see the underlying patterns that point to a successful change. Because I am so positive about change I think everyone is- but they are not- a lot of organisations dont want change and stakeholders dont either. So I got enthusiastic about change but dont really care about the stakeholders to a large extent. So, I have learned to really read people better, ask better questions, look for consensus etc. That way I get the group to come with me. I only got rewarded in my jobs because I could see resolution quickly and knew how to plot the course. I still hate the people bit and dont like most stakeholders but I fake it to make it and make them feel wanted. Most male managers I work with I think are absolute dicks but I go along with it to get the outcome but I could not do that in a full time role. As freelancer now I can choose clients thankfully so I drop those I dont want.
In my social personal life I dont like rejection and playimg aling with social stuff so I have a small group of friends who I am vomfortable with. Im lucky that I choose to specialise in what I do but that was only after 20 years of stress, burnout, one hospitalisation, a long spell of psychotherapy. Now I think its ADHD that explains a lot of things. Sorry for long post, might give you an insight/make sense.

I fully identify with the loner bit too. I need complete 'me' time to recharge even though I could have been presenting technical detail that I just learned at Director level the previous day with no sweat or stress to 100 people.
I need a break after each big push though so asking me to keep performing or giving me mundane, day to day stuff to do is a sure fire way to get me on the recruitment agency websites. My last HR advisor called be 'talented but tricky'! 😬🙈

@thisismax wow, you sound identical. He does so well for a while and if he had the right boss (that leaves him alone) he excels but god forbid he has boss that challenges or tries to micro manage… he withdraws and is suddenly under productive. Odd question ..and you don’t have to answer but do you struggle in relationships?

Hello @Hastag0417
Firstly apologies for my very lengthy posts!
A few things I thought of re reading your post:
1.Impulsivity- like buying a car- absolutely me too- dont worry about consequences just buy it for what it 'means' - might mean success etc, but its quick and physical gratification. Dopamine hit.

1. Relationship struggles - you mean marriage? I did yes, but with a great psychotherapist I learned not to. I struggled with and still do- things being out of control- messy house, noisy kids etc. I also struggle with lack of logical order- my wife is very relaxed about this. I also struggle with finding silence before I zone out completely. So I learned to see these things faster now- take myself away for 10 mins silence, ignore mess etc.
2. Its important to recognise skillsets even if they are specific. My best ever boss gave me the best job ever as I was allowed be the expert without bullshit rules. The first thing I do when I see a rule is try to defeat it esp if its illogical. So your husband needs to be a technical expert/ specialist (upskill) where he is problem focussed as opposed to observing office politics etc. Then he can do his best work.

Brooklyn Derr wrote about this type of person- have a read and tell me which you think it is! I found Psychometric testing brilliant for self discovery: I'm low authority, high personal freedom, low on teamwork, high on detail and excellent on big picture concepts....I am not a completer finisher! Does this help?

www.google.com/amp/s/hbr.org/amp/2014/03/know-what-kind-of-careerist-you-are

He simply might not be suited to the roles he goes for. He might want the money and prestige that comes with being in 'higher management' but it just doesn't look like he has the ability to do the job.

So maybe he would be better off starting his own business, being a consultant or going for something more suited to his skills.

But if I were you I would also question why you are staying dependent on this man if he is so unreliable. Look into getting a job so you are financially independent and also ask yourself whether this is still the right relationship for you...

At some point he won’t be able to walk into jobs so easily, what then?

Nothing ever positive comes from waiting for someone else to change. You know who he is, you just haven’t accepted who he is.