Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

[Weenurse]

Glad to hear you are getting your ducks in a row.
Agree with others, sell the house, cancel the holiday and look at where to make savings.
Get rid of any expensive toys and password protect the wifi.
Take any credit cards or debit cards off him and give him an allowance.
Do a credit check in both your names to ensure there are no secret debts.
Good luck

[knitandpearl]

Sounds like you have a clear view of the situation, OP. Hoping your dh wakes up to it!

[Mumof3dogs]

@Hastag0417 sounds like you are taking control of the situation well .
It seems that the wives in this situation are the sensible ones who take control of the situation to stop chaos unfolding later .

My DH was turned down for one of the posts that he currently is in the running for - he was briefly upset but has now brushed it off as the recruiter tried to minimize it saying that it was nothing that he had done - thanks pal!
He seems to get to the last stage of the process and when they meet him in person they turn him down at the last stage.
Has happened 3 times now and I really can't believe it's a coincidence!!

We are currently living abroad which means that it's impossible to work to help out the family and contribute. I feel powerless and the feeling of wanting to just walk away is very strong.i am staying to support youngest DS and my dogs ..
He is not facing the facts that we only have a few months left here before we could be deported. I suggested making a back up plan months ago which he rubbished , hopefully the start of a new month will make him reflect a little more.🤦🏼‍♀️

I have my fingers crossed that the last position that he is still in the running for will come off, though if it does he will yet again get away with being irresponsible, arrogant and idiotic.

Time to start retraining for my return to the UK so I can support myself me thinks ...

[GregoryPeckingDuck]

Is it possible he has a personality disorder? Failure to take responsibility, arrogance, lack of empathy for you, ability to get a job (presumably by creating a good impression) but failing to sustain that long term. It all points to anti social type personality disorders.

[Petitprince]

My friend's husband is exactly the same - loses his job every year or so - and it's always someone else's fault. Has he addressed the drinking? Maybe it's time for a booze-free March. My friend's husband dramatically improved at work (and at home) doing dry January. I think he was often low-level hungover and resentful at work, which made him feel he could voice his 'opinions'. When he was sober - and exercising more - he was a much more positive person to be around. She's trying to get him to do it again for March.

[Rumbletum2]

Honestly he sounds worse than useless; useless I could (maybe) tolerate but on top of that he just doesn’t sound very nice.

I can tolerate a lot as long as the person is basically nice. He sounds ghastly.

[Bananasandchocolatecustard]

My ex was the same , nothing was ever his fault, every one was out to get him etc. The truth was, he was a slacker and a cocklodger.
His current woman is now supporting him financially.

[Happynow001]

Well done OP. I hope he's able to sort himself out but I doubt he will given his history. Glad you are getting stronger and making plans - life will be calmer when/if the time comes for you to separate and go your own way.

[EllaEllaE]

I remember reading this when you first posted and wondering if you were my SIL. My brother is like this. Well educated, smart, charming but thinks all jobs are below him unless he is the boss. Been working on his business plan-- unemployed for the last three years and has the cheek to give me career advice whenever I see him. To posters asking if these have some personality problem or mental disorder: its called being lazy, selfish, and arrogant.

[springydaff]

He sounds like an addict. I'm not sure what his addiction is but he has all the symptoms. Perhaps have a look at al-anon to get some tips to handle this hellish existence

It is blatantly obvious he will never change. It will never be his fault.

If you can't leave for you then do please leave for the kids - this situation will be sowing deep levels of stress into their lives. Don't think you hide it from them, it's in the air they breath. Sorry to be heavy but it's the reality.

You can do this xx

[ReanimatedSGB]

He's a prick who thinks the world owes him not only a living but constant pandering to his ego. Get rid.

[beenwhereyouare]

Is there any chance your husband is bipolar? Some of the character traits/actions you mention are hallmarks of bipolar disorder.
Grandiosity
Spending on a whim (often large purchases)
Little concern or "we'll find the money somewhere" attitude until the payments start
Uneven behavior on the job and at home
If any of that sounds familiar, I hope you at least will see someone. A good therapist can help you learn to deal with his behavior, and make a decision about what you want to do with your life. Good luck to all of you!

[Hastag0417]

Hi Greenberet, oh his mother is a factor alright, she left him when he was 14 and although he was with his dad he pretty much had to fend for himself, and when I say left I mean to the other side of the world, he was bullied at school and had little friends. It’s definitely had a lasting effect. No real friends, drinking buddies, he’s very much a loner. I definitely agree with possible bipolar and I think he should definitely talk about his mother leaving him but there’s no chance he ever would.

[another20]

People like him always attach themselves to people like you - busy, capable, giving and compassionate - as they know that they can hide behind you and that you never give up.

These are great values but they can mask the reality of a disordered situation as in this case.

I really would look to NOT doing any management - downgrading to another house etc - as he will just erode this smaller asset and you will be back facing the precipice in no time with noting to divide up to put a roof over your DC heads.

I would also be careful that if he knows you are on to him - he will start lying and hiding stuff - one of these men who pretends to go to work everyday etc

[another20]

It might explain it but it doesn’t excuse it.

[ChiaraRimini]

OP I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
You are doing the right thing, you can't rely on him one bit.
Future employers are going to question why he has changed jobs so often so it is only going to get harder for him to find new work in future, and people like him rarely change-as he is convinced it's not his fault.

[GrannyHaddock]

Dear OP, I can offer nothing but my sympathy to you, but I just wanted to
pass comment on the wonderfully full and personal posts in response to your situation. Well done, PPs!

[ScabbyHorse]

Sounds like you're looking after everyone at the moment. Who's looking after you?

[eddielizzard]

Wow you've been handed a ton of shit yet there you are keeping all the plates up in the air, spinning away. Your DH sees you madly running around, and it's nothing to do with him. He's Teflon Man. You can muse as much as you like about his crap childhood and whether he's bipolar, and why he is the way he is. He is. Understanding why won't change him. He has no intention of sorting this out. None of it's his fault anyway so what's to sort out?

Thank god for you though. You've got your head screwed on. Your DS's and your Dad will be fine. And so will you. Your DH might find himself out on his arse though.

[Madcatboy]

I don't usually post here but I had too. So 5 jobs in 13 years. That's about 1 every 3 years. That ain't bad with this uncertain climate. In my profession (public sector) thats hard to do. I don't hear about you getting a job.Negativity about work is hard to hear, but 10 jobs in about 30 years isn't far from standard. You seam very hard work and entitled. I've been in my profession 20 years. Longest I was in 1 place was 4 years. Please update me as to when you get a job and how well you do. Nightmare.

[Madcatboy]

Too many people wanting to be looked after and not doing some hard work themselves

[AlexaAmbidextra]

I don't hear about you getting a job

Well then Madcatboy, you need to get your hearing tested as she works. Try reading the thread properly before you start foaming at the mouth.

[CanadianJohn]

#Madcatboy The original poster mentions her hectic work life in a post at Thu 21-Feb-19 08:19:29

[CinammonPorridge]

I would say he sounds like a 'bury your head in the sand' problem avoider. I would also say he would feel pretty inadequate and that he is letting you down by not providing. I would think he probably feels like he is failing at his career. I would also say it really doesn't sound like he is suited to what he is doing. I would say it sounds like he has something - depression, bipolar, low self esteem, add, very sensitive to criticism. I would say you have every right to be furious. I would also say it's impossible to support him when you are worried about the roof over your head and that you need to build up a nest egg to ease the worry and support a career change. I would imagine he doesn't have many work colleagues if he keeps changing jobs. Does he have any supportive friends he could meet up with. I would be careful that he's not avoiding his issues.

[ScarletBitch]

Sounds like your DH is great at making excuses. Step away and take your name off any joint debt and leave him to sort it out. He needs to buck his ideas up tbh. Surely he must see he is the problem?