Dh repeatedly losing his job

[Hastag0417]

Apologies in advance for it being too long a rant or any grammatical errors but I’m too fraught, stressed, knackered... I am at a complete loss! My dh works in a higher management role. His qualifications experience is very good and he manages to walk into very well paid jobs fairly easily. Our outgoings, mortgage etc are relevant/dependant to his income. The problem is the jobs never fucking last! He’s been ‘let go’ ‘redundant due to restructure’ ‘agreed to leave’ on 5 occasions in the last 13 years. He starts off brilliantly but then it quickly turns into a “oh they don’t know what they need, want, there’s no support, someone else didn’t do this” etc etc. The problem is I can never relax and expect him to walk through the door at the end of every day saying he’s been let go. He moaned/challenged hierarchy his way out of his last role and swore he’d be different this time and not risk being jobless for 6 months of the year and not know where the next months mortgage will come from. He started this current role 18 months ago and the first 8 -10 months went well but I’ve been sensing somethings up for a few months and then the usual ‘directors a twat’ ‘no guidance’ ‘didn’t like what I did’ comments start. I’m not however allowed to ask if he’s going to lose his job again, say I’m worried, or suggest any way of him being in the wrong and basically step the fuck up!
He’s admitted tonight that he’s been graded as ‘improvement needed’ but it’s ‘not his fault’ he’s suggested he’s “just taking one for the team as that’s where somebody had to be placed.”
He found this out 2 weeks ago but couldn’t tell me as he had to “deal with it himself first” and “you go off in a mad panic, worrying about losing the house and don’t support me.”
So, he’s lost out on a 6k bonus, but shrugs and says it’ll be fine when I ask how the pre booked holiday is being paid for. Bear in mind he purchased a car less than a week ago that’s £300 a month but could potentially be losing his job! We have no savings as they went the last time he was axed and in between jobs along with the build up on a credit card. I’m seriously at breaking point and while I don’t want to kick someone while there down inside I’m screaming for him to sort his fucking self out. We have 2 ds 6 & 10 so I don’t know how he can do this to us. He’s extremely laid back and my honest opinion is he’ll do the bare minimum or the parts he likes to do but like everything at home it’s a do tomorrow attitude and I think he gets found out eventually. I don’t know how I’m going to speak to him tomorrow, I can’t look at him right now. Once, ok, twice, shitty... but 5 bloody times.. come on! Am I wrong to be mad and just want some stability and security. He’ll go mad if I don’t act normal and it’ll be “this is why I don’t tell you things” etc. I live with constant anxiety about him losing his job again, if I miss a call or get a text my first thought is ‘as he been finished?’ Surely, that’s not normal but if I said this to him I’m accused of not ‘being on his side’ ‘piling on the pressure’ etc. I can’t sleep for feeling sick about it. Sorry for the rant, any advice welcome.

[Oilyoilyoilgob]

And to add in why I’m awake 😉 I’ve got an horrendous flue and I’m sleeping downstairs so husband can sleep for work and not be woke by the cough of doom. The cats woke me up with the desperate need for a pouch, because they’re starving of course 😒

[whiteroseredrose]

Sounds like my good friend's STBXDH. Was in assorted management roles but never lasted. Didn't necessarily tell her when he'd walked out / been let go. She just found out when his salary didn't come in. She described his attitude as being one to do the basic minimum he could get away with.


In the end he switched tack and now works on the shop floor in M&S. Was expecting to get a management position quite quickly due to experience but hasn't done much to prove himself in his current role so it isn't happening. Massively less money than management but he's still there 4 or 5 years later so at least he has a steady income!

NB they are divorcing now. Different reason but she said she feels like a weight has lifted as she can plan properly now.

[Wallywobbles]

I'd have a killing the love conversation. If you get fired without another job to go we are done. Cannot do this again. You need to get counseling/life coaching to find out how to turn this around. And to stop pretending this is anyone other than you creating this repeated issue.

In the meantime you need to get yourself into career mode so you can leave/ kick him out. Where are you job wise?

[Harmonyrays]

Why dont you work! Maybe he is fed up with being the bread winner

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

You poor woman, that would drive me utterly insane, not knowing from one day or week to the next whether he'd still have a job.

And it's not the insecurity of his jobs, either - it's his fucking attitude! I too recognise the "it's not me, it's them" scenario and it's such a cop out - it will be him, of course it will be. He's either not doing what he's expected to, or he's bogging it up somehow and then blaming anyone and everyone else rather than taking responsibility for it.

I'm lucky in that my DH doesn't extend that attitude to his workplace - he's very committed to his job and his work and would not cope well with being out of work without a lot of money saved up - but I have to put up with that attitude in every other walk of our life together and that's bad enough. Add in the financial insecurity and I would be either driven demented or leave.

I don't know if it's an ingrained part of his personality - it's a characteristic of narcissism that it's always everyone else's fault and never his - or whether it's an attitude that he can be trained out of; but the fact that you can see it coming says that he doesn't give a shit about the fact he's going to lose job after job after job, because he doesn't DO anything to change that outcome.

Have you a job yourself? While I know it's easy enough to say get a job, I know it's not that easy just to walk into one - but if you don't have one, I would seriously consider looking for one that will cover your own living expenses and then decide whether you want to put up with this anxiety-inducing man for the rest of your life!

[GeorgiaGirl52]

I agree with the others. He won't change or he can't change. No amount of talking, guilting, or nagging will have any positive effect. You need to start supporting yourself and your sons. Get a part-time job while they are in school. (Even if its just a server at McDonalds.) Use half the money to pay important bills - school fees, electric, etc. and put the other half in a savings account that only YOU can access. Start building a safety net so you will have enough to start up somewhere else if your husband loses the house.

[jay55]

Do you have equity in your house? Could you downsize before you wreck your credit rating?
Can the car go back?
Do you want to be with him?
I think I'd get the ball rolling before the next mortgage payment is missed.

[RollerJed]

I think if you're not working you should start looking. I'd try to have a very serious talk with him and I wouldn't be taken in or give a fuck about 'poor me' replies.

My dh used to be rather crap with money and it took constant reminders and sometimes chastising from me before he got it.

He still likes to spend but in moderation.

My personality would not allow me to put up with someone like your dh.

[MarieG10]

When this keeps happening, any self aware person would start to realise the issue is more him than this whole string of companies that have felt the need to let him go. Some restructures are just designed to get rid of people by way of redundancy as opposed to performance as otherwise it is just too much hassle and much cheaper and easier to give a redundancy lay-off, especially if they have limited service.

In his own heart he will probably realise this but won't admit it. I guess finding an easier role which may suit him, or place,him at less exposure will also bring a lot less of a salary so it will be a catch 22

I have previously had to deal with someone who sounds similar to your husband and to be honest they take up so much time to get them to do what you want is just painful and becomes a constant part of your working day when you have a whole load of other priorities. The fact that he has received an improvement required suggests that at least they are trying to get/help him to improve. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee and understand what he needs to do

Best of luck

[Shoxfordian]

It must be really stressful. If you work then you need to try to get a better job, try to pay for yourself and work out what you could afford without him. He sounds like he blames the whole world for his own problems and can't accept responsibility.

[StealthPolarBear]

I think you need to assume you are living on your salary and his is for savings or optional spending only

[buttertoff33]

I get why it is frustrating but your post reads as if you just expect your DH to cater financially for everything. What do you work? Can you get a better paid job to minimise your financial independence and take things from there.

[ApolloandDaphne]

That sounds awful. I sometimes moan because my DH is a complete workaholic and perfectionist but tbh at least I can rely on him to bring in a good income. It must be terrifying not knowing if there will be money coming in. I agree with PP who have said you should start looking for a job (if you don't have one already) so you can get some level of financial security for you and your D.C. with a view to leaving him if he doesn't step up.

[StealthPolarBear]

Op does work, so that's good

[Sexnotgender]

I can imagine that’s very stressful. He sounds like a guy I used to work with.

He was VERY good at talking the talk and getting a job. It’s a shame he wasn’t any good at actually doing the job.

He’s bounced from company to company never staying anywhere for long.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

One thing to consider is that if he's going for 'big jobs' that require long hours and basically living to work and he's not that person, that would be very very hard and stressful.

Maybe he needs to look for something lower paid with standard hours that he can walk away from at the end of the day? But then obviously the family will need to cut its cloth, including getting rid of the car and living a simpler life. If the car was literally bought a few days ago, there's often a 14 day cooling off period where it can be returned without penalty - so this is something to look into urgently.

Although I'm surprised that he keeps getting jobs when he doesn't seem very good at them - wouldn't it fall over at the reference stage even if he does perform at the interview?

[StealthPolarBear]

I suspect that's where this stupid myth that it is ILLEGAL to give a bad reference comes into its own

[AlwaysCheddar]

Can you cancel the holiday. Would you lose much? He sounds like a knob. I assume his pension isn’t great either as he’s had so many jobs. Tell him you’re reaching the end of your tether and if he doesn’t buck up then he’s out.

[Juells]

HRTFT but I've known two people like that, but with them it is connected to a mental problem. Both are extremely clever and able, but they're not in a job five minutes before they realise their boss isn't doing anything right :( It doesn't sound like he has that excuse.

I'm afraid I'd be thinking about leaving. If you can't discuss it with him then he has no intention of accepting responsibility. Are you working? Could you survive if the house and car were sold, loans paid off? It's desperation planning time.

[Weenurse]

I can relate although mine works in the building industry so affected by market.
He takes full responsibility for house when off and does everything.
I have had to go back to full time work since DC were 2 and 4 for this reason.
I get very stressed about paying bills and mortgage.
Suggest working full time if possible, selling house, selling new car, you will take a hit on this but better than paying $300a month that you don’t have.
Cancel holiday, you can’t afford one right now.
In the last 30 years we have had 2 family holidays as that was all we could afford. We do visit family for Christmas every second year.
Sit him down with income and out goings and look at where you can save.
Then hard look at whether you want to do this again, or separate and just be responsible for you and children.

[Arowana]

You poor thing, OP. This must be so stressful for you.

I think you need to start taking greater control of the family finances. It's madness to book a holiday and buy a car when your income could be in a precarious position and you have no savings. Did you have any say in these decisions? If not, why not?!

My DH is a high earner, but his job is currently looking shaky (due to factors affecting the whole company, not just his role) so we are being careful with money just in case.

There are lots of things you could do NOW to pre-empt the future. Sell the car, down size the house, look for a higher paid job yourself etc. If your DH refuses to consider these steps, you need to either get a third party involved (counsellor or financial adviser) or threaten to leave. And be prepared to follow through if necessary.

[ItStartedWithAKiss241]

My mum is the same as your dad, never her fault, not great at any job, doesn’t use her inititive. On her work demoting her from Superviser to a regular employee as she wasn’t up to being a supervisor she began searching for managers positions. She also spends like your DH, buying lots of expensive unnecessary items (jewellery) even tho they had to pay bills on credit cards. It’s terrible for my Dad who has to worry about mortgage and when she will lose this current job. They are actually going to divorce after over 30 years together and my dad actually said it was because of this x

[RJnomore1]

I wouldn't want him on my team with the attitude you describe.

So your options:
Roll on and let what happens happen, lose the house etc.

Keep trying until you get through to him(unlikely)

Increase your own income and cover the costs

Do that but also split from him

Any I've missed out?

[Missingstreetlife]

What's Wally wobble said is right. Sorry op.
I've got one of these, arrogant and rude, v bright and better in a job with lower responsibility but bored. Lovely when everything is ok. I've read the riot act before, when I couldn't stand it. The atmosphere tells you even if he doesn't but he's wrong to try to hide it/lie.
Counselling, him you and together. Get your ducks in a row, find a job, get mortgage on interest only, extend term if neccessary. Check Martin Lewis money site.
Something wrong with them, more than just stubborn or stupid
Not going to change, so decide if you stay or leave or ask him to leave.

[StealthPolarBear]

Op works