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Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

(966 Posts)
awesmum Fri 05-Oct-18 09:12:56

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Lovethetimeyouhave Fri 05-Oct-18 09:14:17

Sounds like it's the best move

Shoxfordian Fri 05-Oct-18 09:15:17

You're making the right decision flowers

glitterystuff Fri 05-Oct-18 09:22:58

holds you hand

glitterystuff Fri 05-Oct-18 09:23:17


JayDot500 Fri 05-Oct-18 09:27:08

Yes! flowers

slapmyarseandcallmemary Fri 05-Oct-18 09:36:46

Hand hold

Miggeldy Fri 05-Oct-18 12:14:56

He belongs in the bin.

pointythings Fri 05-Oct-18 12:28:20

Handheld from me. Your life will be unbelievably better without him. He will be an utter shit about the divorce though. Steel yourself.

subspace Fri 05-Oct-18 12:42:41

Hand holding. You've got this.

There's a visualisation I like, that I want to share with you, in case it helps you.

Imagine all the people who support you - all of us, your family, your friends, your colleagues, your children, ancestors, your guardian angels and God (if those things feel right to you). Your GP, your school teachers, everybody who would have your back either in the past or now. Imagine seeing each of them, and seeing them walk into formation behind you. Then the next, and the next. Make up faces and bodies for us MNers you haven't met wink We're all behind you, we've got your back. Take a moment to feel the sheer weight of support behind you. You've totally got this. And we've got you.

HUGS xxx

Thinkingofausername1 Fri 05-Oct-18 12:43:58

It's exhausting reading it, not surprised you want out thanks

HereIgoagainxx Fri 05-Oct-18 12:44:32

Time for you to be happy. You've been through the mill. It will soon be a time for celebration xx flowers

newwomannow Fri 05-Oct-18 12:45:29

Love subspace’s idea. You will be so much happier without him - how could you not be?

He can rant & rave as much as he likes but in a few years time, his impact on you will be minimal & you’ll have a shiny new life!

You got this!

SillyLittleBiscuit Fri 05-Oct-18 12:46:46

You're doing the right thing. Sell it to him as if he thinks all that stuff about you he'll be happier apart. Bags of strength coming your way. Make your future a better one x

Sally2791 Fri 05-Oct-18 12:47:06

Handhold from me. It's horrible but will be worth it.You will get YOUR life back and will be so much healthier for the DCs

Brakebackcyclebot Fri 05-Oct-18 12:48:18

Subspace, what a great visualisation

OP, when you speak to your H, keep it simple, keep it calm, don't go into detail - you don't need to justify yourself. Make sure you are able to walk away should you need to. Tell a friend what you're doing so you have someone to call/someone to come round if you need it.

As well as going through that visualisation, I would also practice in your mind. Know what you are going to say, and run through it like a video in your imagination. The mind doesn't know the difference between imagination and memory, so the more you practice, the more confident you will become, and you'll keep track of what you're saying.

Before you talk, take deep breaths, prepare yourself mentally.

Good luck x

FedUpWithBriiiiiick Fri 05-Oct-18 12:48:53

@subspace your post brought a tear to my eye. What a brilliant visualisation.

Best of luck @awesmum thanks

awesmum Fri 05-Oct-18 12:53:45

@subspace thank you so much for that's. Also the rest of you lovely people. All important information has been put away safe, house information and passports.

I sent a message to him as he's beaten me down so many times before when I told him face to face.

The DD's and I have gone for a day out. I've said he needs to find somewhere else to stay. This is the end no discussion we are divorcing.

I feel so calm and empowered, long may it last.

MaryandMichael Fri 05-Oct-18 12:54:52

Add me to your imaginary army of backers.
Also be sure someone in real life is either present, nearby or a phone call away when you do it.

MaryandMichael Fri 05-Oct-18 12:55:27

You got in before me! Well done. Be safe. And for the future, be happy.

Windgate Fri 05-Oct-18 12:58:40

Just adding my hand to your team. Good luck.

SabineUndine Fri 05-Oct-18 13:25:49


Thebluedog Fri 05-Oct-18 14:20:22

Good luck OP and well done flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 05-Oct-18 14:24:58

Well done awesmum - you OK?

Honestly he sounds awful, you and the DC will be fine when the dust settles. Onwards and upwards! flowers

Allalittlebitshit2019 Fri 05-Oct-18 14:39:15

Good for you, show your children that live can be better and that you deserve so much more. Be aware though that if he is a bully and an ass hole (he sounds like one) this will intensify 10 fold on asking him to leave!! You have taken the control away from him and men like that hate it!! He will fight you were ever he can, child access, money, property etc etc. Im not being negative i just know from personal experience.

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