Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

You've made the right decision.

What's the situation with your home?

Will he go easily? Is there somewhere he can go to immediately?

Right behind you sweetheart, waving a flag.

Stay safe & please tell somebody you trust

You didn't really need our advice or opinions did you, OP? You knew what we'd say. Be brave and don't let him browbeat you!

You’re doing the right thing.

Have you told anyone in RL?

He sounds like such a cunt that he could potentially become violent

Im a big girl so i can be 2 people's worth of support.

Thank you everyone. Have had a lovely day out avoiding everything with DD's. I have come home to find him here. Not exactly sure what to do. Feeling sick and horrible with the situation. Am hiding in the bedroom.

House situation- rented in both names, he has financial ability to go wherever he chooses, but no mum's or the like.

I don't have anywhere I can go which is so difficult.

You are amazing, well done. It's hard but stuck to your guns. He will no doubt be thinking you'll get over this and carry on how things were if he just sticks around and nothing changes - don't.

Worst case scenario is he refuses to leave, don't you have a friend with a spare room who can temporarily let you and dd's stay or a deposit on a small flat?

Agree with pp, he is going to ignore this like last time and just carry on. The onus is on you to force a change. Good luck op, he sounds like a grade A twat.

OP, please stay safe Lovely.
Is there anywhere at all, that you can go, even for the night ?
You're very brave to have come this far. Whatever you do, keep looking forwards, and remember, one day all of this misery will be behind you.
Thinking of you, and sending love and strength.xxx

I've been following your thread op. Well done for telling him that you're divorcing him. End of.

I bet he will pretend never to have received your message. However, you must from this moment onwards live as though you are separated under one roof. you need to put space between you both. Separate rooms. Separate meals eaten separately. Don't cook his meals. No laundry for him. Don't offer him cups of tea or accept offers from him. Pretend he's not there. It's the only way he will get the message your marriage is over.
Good luck x

I have 4DC so unfortunately a spare room really won't help us nor a small flat. I think you're right he'll carry on as normal thinking he can brush this under the carpet. Not going to happen!

Going to speak to women's aid to see if they have some suggestions. I can't force him out unless he gets violent- which I am going to avoid letting him at all costs.

So cross but not surprised that he hasn't respected what I said. It won't change me. I am keeping a mental list of all the shitty things he's said in my head, and grabbing hold of the things that I want in my hands, as a motivation, and despite what he says it's not a mid-life crisis!

@friio1983 shallow? Not sure what you mean.
Another man? No, no other man, just my dignity, self respect my sense of self and an example for my children is the only thing waiting.

Ignore friio. I have reported that post. You have very good reasons for wanting a divorce, not least serious emotional abuse.

Not helpful Friio But looking at your posting history, that's your style all over

Another one saying ignore that poster. If you search them you'll see they have form for popping up on people's threads and making "hilarious" comments

I’ll be part of your support network too. So sorry he didn’t respect your decision and is making things difficult. Good luck in setting a great example to your 4 DC of what a strong woman you can be. We have your back, you can do this.

I'm behind you . Can you go in with dc tonight? Has he said anything?

Stay strong OP, sounds like you've got a good handle on the situation.

Trust your judgement & your intuition. You got this.

If you can get him out have someone come stay, preferably male, all the time for as long as it takes. It won't take long. For some reason abusers are less likely to stick around and give you shit in front of your brother or cousin or dad. Seriously call the troops in.

Then make sure there is always a third party around for contact handovers etc, never be alone with him again basicly.

If you can't get him out that should say!

He is planning on wearing you down. Is there anyone you can text tonight?

I think he's intention is to completely ignore my message. We haven't shared a bedroom for a couple of years now so haven't had to deal with him coming in at night, he moved out of our bedroom as when I go to sleep as I relax my breathing becomes heavier, not snoring, just heavier and this is a lazy habit I have gotten into apparently. So he moved out and I haven't 'invited' him back into our bed nor dealt with my lazy bad habit.

He is now humphing around the house, has taken the littlest into the sitting room and shut the door (he does this all the time) the other children, mine, aren't allowed in the sitting room.

He's pointedly looking at me, probably waiting for his breakfast and cup of tea, as I sit at the breakfast table with the 2younger girls eating and chatting. He won't say hello to anyone as we must address him first ... we'll that ain't happening!

So I have been planning most of the night, trying to find if there is a way to get a deposit together myself for a house, because I have the impression he isn't going to budge. I am not going to slip, despite all the puppy dog eyes, sad faces, 'I just want us to be happy' protestations.

We have been here so many times before but soon within days back to the 'we need to talk' hours of lectures about my bad behaviour, the children's bad behaviour, his solution if we all fall into line and behave it will be better for everyone.

Plan today, get deposit details in place.
Look to see if there are any houses which are a possibility for us.
Get DD to finish homework
Have a clear out of some rubbish and stick some stuff on eBay to get together some funds for a move.

With regard to money I am absolutely screwed as I worked for him- no now no job, no income, no reference!

I couldn't have got myself into a tighter corner of crap had I tried!

Keep going OP, you’ll get there. I didn’t leave my stbxh for years when I should have because I felt trapped financially.

Now I’m out of it all, have my own place with the kids & life is so much better. Hard work but better!

You will do it. Just keep up that determination and look to the future!