Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

965 replies

awesmum · 05/10/2018 09:12

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 06/10/2018 13:47

Hand hold 🤝
You can do this. Concentrate on scraping together your deposit and keep imagining your peaceful life without him x

Original poster
awesmum · 06/10/2018 20:38

Deposit is sorted. It appears for once the luck of the gods has fallen in my favour, must be kismet. There's a house which looks good which I am going to look at on Monday afternoon hopefully. Monday morning will be spent getting together all bits of information needed for a tenancy check.

Have had a lovely but awkward day with the kids, fortunately as he locks himself in the sitting room with the toddler we have been left to our own devices. Went in a stole her a few times to do some fun activities rather than just sit in the dark watching tv with him all day. Not sure how impressed he was.

I went for a run earlier too to give myself a head clear and realised the women he doesn't like, he keeps saying I want my awesmum back, you're so different to the woman you used to be. I had a flash moment of I am exactly the woman you have created with your behaviour! I am like this because of you! I am a shadow of my former self because of how you have treated me! I am a different and unhappy person because of the things you say and do! But you will not see it nor accept it. You think you can do no wrong!

When I was by myself I was so much brighter, lighter, positive and happy. I want that back!! I will get that back!

OP posts:
Yonijust · 06/10/2018 20:52

the other children, mine, aren't allowed in the sitting room

Thats reason alone to do this.

HouseOfGoldandBones · 06/10/2018 20:54

Good on you OP.

Remember, we're all here supporting you

Mango88 · 06/10/2018 20:56

Love this - so powerful 💗

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 20:59

I think you'll need an employment reference confirming your earnings for the house tenancy. Your H is your boss..won't that create a problem?

Maelstrop · 06/10/2018 21:00

The other children aren’t allowed in the sitting room?! What happens if they just stroll in, en masse?

Maelstrop · 06/10/2018 21:01

I’d call it abusive, containing the toddler in one room watching TV all day if there’s no physical impairment that means he can’t take the child out to play/get fresh air/be stimulated mentally rather than zombied in front of the box.

Maelstrop · 06/10/2018 21:02

I think you'll need an employment reference confirming your earnings for the house tenancy. Your H is your boss..won't that create a problem?

Unless she can find a guarantor. Parent or sympathetic mate?

FreedomFighter11 · 07/10/2018 07:58

Wow OP, great update - your doing it! You got this.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/10/2018 11:26

Great work OP!

whydoistayupsolate · 07/10/2018 11:33

the other children, mine, aren't allowed in the sitting room

That is horrendous. How awful for the poor kids.

beeefcake · 07/10/2018 11:38

Well done op ThanksThanksThanks

ohfourfoxache · 07/10/2018 11:56

You are doing brilliantly x

Original poster
awesmum · 07/10/2018 20:46

I keep coming back to this and re-reading all the supportive comments. Thank you so much. They really do help.

I will admit it is hard, he's wandering around feeling very sorry for himself which he knows is a real heart string puller for me as I hate being 'mean' and he's trying to make me feel like I am being mean. Which is ironic when I think through all the stuff he's done.

So I give myself little reminders or check ins- he's shut everyone apart from the littlest out of the sitting room all weekend. He hasn't actually said hello or anything to anyone else apart from littlest, even DD(10) who was getting a special award for something this weekend- no congratulations or well done or enjoy yourself.
He went out to dinner yesterday with the littlest and didn't ask any of the others if they wanted to go - he's just blanking them.

I know this is all because of how I am behaving badly so my punishment. But looking back -
Having his friends say they hate the way he speaks to me.
How DD isn't to be allowed in the house if she's later than 11pm.
The DC aren't to have friends over when we're out, or when he's in the house.
That I can't go to school events in case the phone rings, but it's ok for us to go for 2 hour lunch breaks when he wants.
That I can't make a decision without him ever - even the kids going to a friends, we have to discuss whether they deserve it, and give arguments.
That any decision takes hours of lectures and discussions. He's ways always win out.
The fact the whole house scatters when he comes home.
That we must all address him first otherwise we are rude.
That if I go out with friend 1 a year - I have to be home by midnight or he sulks and refuses to speak to me.
That after I have spoken to a friend or relative he has to bring me back into line (yes he had said this, with a diagram too)
That he doesn't like me spending too much time alone with DD18 alone to stop he from influencing and leading me astray (I think this means making decisions for myself?)

Oh I could go on for days. I don't expect you to have read all of this, it helps me. I know there will be more snippets of the lines I and children have to live between.

OP posts:
Original poster
awesmum · 07/10/2018 20:47

That should read once a year.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 07/10/2018 20:53

You should read that at least once a day Flowers

pointythings · 07/10/2018 20:54

Keep writing it all down. Keep reminding yourself that he is batshit crazy and abusive. No-one on this thread will say otherwise.

ohfourfoxache · 07/10/2018 21:00

The more you write the sicker I feel Sad

How have you managed to bear living life like this?

I wish you could see how happy you deserve to be

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 07/10/2018 21:09

The worse thing is there be loads more, but over the years you have managed to see them as "normal" or simply become desensersised to it!
My kids were made to eat porrage every morning! Regardless of if we were hurrying out the door, if it was the middle of summer i was expected to make it and give it! Just one small thing, but it represented a lot and a much bigger picture.

FreedomFighter11 · 08/10/2018 05:48

Sounds like a true narcissist. I’ve just escaped one too, he left in April & has been messing with my head ever since but I’ve now got my own house & the amount of freedom & relief I feel is incredible.

Well done OP, keep going. Trying to not sound cheesy but you’re worth it & your kids deserve so much better.

Rebecca36 · 08/10/2018 06:00

Good for you!

Original poster
awesmum · 08/10/2018 09:22

I have just had a text from him asking for some help to show him how to do stuff in the accounts for the business, this is after last Thursday him tells me categorically that he doesn't need me at work as he used to do it before I started about 7 years ago. This is is his 'in' as he knows I can't but be polite in situations like this and then he weddles his way in, being nice and thoughtful and using his trick words like my family, all I have, just wanting everyone to be happy, how generous he is and so on.

I think I am just going to ignore the text, maybe not as assertive as saying get stuffed, or you told me you didn't need me last week when I was there to do exactly that job. But at least I know I won't be drawn in and manipulated or conversely belittled and told off and talked at.

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 08/10/2018 10:05

I'm here rooting for you awesmum
Put your phone in your pocket and sit on your hands.... ignore ignore ignore.

SomethingPhishy · 08/10/2018 10:10

Re-read your post from 20:46 yesterday & ignore him. He is manipulating you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.