Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

I wouldn't trust him not to try and rent it from under you OP, tell him there's no reason for him to know details at the moment until or if you decide to share.

So progress today, can't get through on Women's Aid at all, always busy.

He's agreed to move out, he's going to remove himself from the joint account, wants me to sign over on another account - to which I have agreed to. He's Told me he'll have littlest half the time, I made a counter suggestion of eow and every Wednesday evening, was told I can't tell him what I want
I said he needs to look up compromise.

I am not daft I won't believe anything till I see it.

Just said a text to 2 friends who are wives of his friends saying thanks and bye, now feeling pretty low and in need of a hug.

You are without a doubt, doing the right thing OP

Sending you hugs and strength op.

I'm in need of hugs also for various reasons and know you feel. xx

I escaped exactly this sort of man 7 lovely years ago OP.

I kept asking him to leave, calmly every week and eventually he went. He kept coming back to see if I'd change my mind but gradually the visits took longer and longer between them and finally he stopped coming.

When I filed several months later for divorce proceedings and to take over the mortgage he did then start to get abusive because he's a spoilt narcissistic wanker whose never had something not go his way before.

He will go eventually. Keep wearing at him. Keep calm and keep saying every night. 'oh are you still here, sigh'

He'll eventually sod off for his own ego if nothing else.

@Doingreat sending hugs right back to you.

I think today has been a pretty tough day as actually sorting out the practicalities has been an eye opener, and to think I am going to miss my littlest so much too. I know she'll be fine and I know I'll see her loads, am just being a little sensitive. Then texts of friends which were lovely has made me a bit weepy - first time to have cried over this, unlike the daily tears caused by him and his behaviour. But I am sad because of possibly losing friends and missing the baby, not over him going, that tells me something.

So baby steps I feel like I am getting somewhere.

On the positive side I have found an open day at a uni close to me to complete my degree which I stopped a year after meeting him because I didn't have time for as it started with 'why don't you do it from home.' To 'you can do it when we're quiet at work.' To 'What are you doing you can't do that at work, you should be working!' Which starts in February.
Which also gives me time to think about getting a puppy which he'd banned and I been really wanting.

I have lists of all the silly things I want to do which weren't allowed, but now the worlds my oyster, got to be careful I don't end up like a kids in a sweet shop.

@Treacletoots I hope it doesn't take forever, I really don't think I could take it. I feel stagnant. I know that it was only Friday I said for him to leave, but in reality I said this in May, since then we've been through therapy and hours of talking and I am desperate for the end of the tunnel. But I will remain firm.

Thank you everyone for your support It really really has helped and is helping

It won't. Mine took about a month to completely bugger off. Just stay firm, but calm. You can do this!

Clearly not all superheroines wear costumes.

My God, imagine what life will be like without this Dementor controlling and dictating everything. Your daughter couldn't have friends round when he was home? And he locks her out if she's late?

Be prepared for him to tell you you're insane. Because clearly only a crazy woman wouldn't want to live this shitty half life!

Am feeling a little bit wobbly today, not about the relationship per say, as daft as it sounds it's about walking away from the business that I grew, it's all in his name, and it's starting to do well and I put years into it And am going to get very little out of it. So feeling pissed off about that.

Went to councilling today which was great, just by myself obviously, really helpful And validating, especially as the councillor knows him and what he's like and has no vested interest in us as people.

Trying to focus on the positive despite feeling annoyed about 9 years down the toilet work wise.

Told the children today, DS shrugged and showed me something on his game, I think he's worried it won't happen so not going to think about it till it does. DD 10 said fine, she's not sure about seeing him though, he's been he 'Dad' since she was 2, but she's not sure. He didn't say he wanted to see DD18 which says a lot. But he still hasn't actually spoken to them directly for a week now, and he's in the house?

Have you seen a solicitor, op? They may be help you make some claim on the business. Don't let it stop you leaving though. It really does sound best for all of your DCs.

OP, lots of people leave a business and set up on their own doing gbe same thing or something very similar. I'm not sure the nature of the business but have you thought of that?

It will be tough to leave, no doubt about it, however, not as tough as staying... no doubt about that either!

You have suffered immensely. You’ve been damaged by this man, and so have your children. I don’t think you realize how much actually. But if you are away from him, you will all be able to start on your journey of healing. If you stay, no one can start healing. The damage will just become more and more severe.

You can do this.

Positive thoughts for today -

1. He is not going to be going through my text messages between me and teenage DC and telling me off for the way they speak to me and the way I speak to them.
2. I am going to take the little 2 to see my DM on a shock horror weekday, and without him; which hasn't been allowed in about 7years.
3. Actually doing something on a weekday as I hadn't had a day off in 7 years, without him, or not Under his eye 👁.
4. I shan't spend the next 4 days being 'bought back into line' (he's words) as I have wild and wondrous ideas of fun and frivolity, kindness and gentleness.

Still no date of moving out on the horizon, not sure he's done anything at all ability it.

Keep going awesmum - this is the really tough bit but you're doing it.

You can see freedom at the end of the tunnel.

It is worth it.

You've got this.

You are doing bloody brilliantly, well done!

Your future is going to be so much happier x

An update. I moved the last of his stuff out of my bedroom today, this was after walking out to get ready this morning to come back in to find him in my bed, admittedly giving the toddler a cuddle, but how infuriating!

On Saturday I had the really helpful advice from a friend of his to 'talk it through, they can sit in if I want' sorry 6 months of paying a professional councillor isn't good enough?? Was a little irritated by that one.

He has made no contribution to the household expenses despite saying he would last week. I refuse to ask again, it's so controlling!!

My mind is set, but I am so nervous he's going to start being really mean and vindictive.

Currently hiding in my bedroom from him again.

You are amazing!

Keep firm you are doing great. Xx

He's been mean and vindictive for years OP
I just hope you can work out a way to get your hands on some money!

Well things have gotten mean, he's refusing to leave till he has the agreements wants with regard to seeing the littlest.

Sadly this isn't unexpected. You need legal advice ASAP. If he is not paying anything into the house what is he washing with, eating, drinking etc. Do not pay a penny to him!

Women's aid cane back to me, and have been so helpful. They put me on to a legal bod, and I can get an occupation order in place within 3 days, which in its self it terrifying as what retribution I will get from that.

Need to steel myself to send over information and get the ball rolling.

I am currently getting a lot of texts from him saying that he won't leave unless I agree to 50/50 contact. I have offered eow Friday to Sunday and every Wednesday. He's refusing to discuss.

Be strong. You need headspace to begin with before any long term decision making can begin.

Take all the help women's aid offer. X

Question for anyone in the know, what happens if he takes DD and doesn't return her home? Where do I stand legally with that. I wouldn't put it past him.