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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

965 replies

awesmum · 05/10/2018 09:12

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 08/10/2018 13:45

Well done awesomemum Flowers

With regards to the work thing. Do you need a password to get in or anything like that? If so you could tell him, if he pushes you to help that after the conversation you’ve deactivated your account on his business stuff so can’t get in any longer

Original poster
awesmum · 08/10/2018 14:11

@Thebluedog no he doesn't need a password, and all other stuff contacted to my personal accounts I have forwarded as excel sheets. He has everything he needs, he just doesn't like doing anything and has for the last 8 1/2 years ordered me about and I have done it all. Even when he said I wasn't a team player and went beach to work full time 4 days after giving birth with a new born. (Massive outing there!)

He has everything he needs to get on I would never prevent that, and would go in and help out with stuff that had to be done so employees didn't get shafted if I knew he wouldn't use it as manipulative method to control me.

I have texted him to say I have seen a house and will be accepting it if he refuses to move out, he's now having a go that I am being unreasonable expecting he to move straight out, that he has plans to be amicable, but I am being out of order.
I have asked for a time frame of when he'll be gone, for mine, the children and his sake - that I think is reasonable.

I would rather we could stay put for the kids sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
awesmum · 08/10/2018 14:11

Back not beach!

OP posts:
whydoistayupsolate · 08/10/2018 14:20

Unfortunately op no matter how much you ask him to leave, he isn't going to. I think the only and best option is that you leave. I would be very careful with a man like him that if you give him the heads up that you're leaving he will prevent you taking your youngest, or he will get physical.

Be aware as well that if you stay in the house and he leaves, he is the type of man to still treat it like his house. He will expect to swan in and out and he will probably have spare key cut.

If I were you I would get a fresh start somewhere that has no ties to him, and I would ask advice of women's aid.

Original poster
awesmum · 08/10/2018 16:00

Viewed a house today, just had the agents say that they use an external agency to do the checks on the application, which involves contacting your employer for a reference, basically I am screwed!
Going to speak to Women's Aid now see if they have a suggestion.
Feeling very deflated, am getting more texts from him now too about how unreasonable I am being, how I am destroying the littlest's family.

OP posts:
beeefcake · 08/10/2018 16:13

Ahhhh fuck, I'm pretty sure all they need is a letter on headed paper confirming that you do work there and your salary is x? Could you not whip something up yourself?

beeefcake · 08/10/2018 16:14

Ignore him he's being a cunt now he's losing control

pog100 · 08/10/2018 16:16

I don't think you need to give up there? They need a reference to prove you can make the payments. Either he will continue to pay you, in which case he has to say this, or he won't, in which case you won't be able to pay the rent? Either way, continue the application to put pressure on him to leave?
Whatever you do , DO NOT give up with this attempt to split. It will work one way or another and just stop listening to his shit.
Good luck!

Echobelly · 08/10/2018 16:20

Well done @awesmum - I'm sure you'll go through a lot of emotions, but it sounds like the end result with be massive relief. Best of luck with the rest - don't let the bastard get you down. x

mommybear1 · 08/10/2018 16:34

Handhold Thanks keep going OP you are doing so well

flumptoes · 08/10/2018 16:36

You can do this. You won't regret it, one small step at a time. I'm 18 months in from you and life is so so much better.

MamaJune · 08/10/2018 16:48

Are you self employed through his business or are you an employee? If you're self employed / a director you'll need an accountants reference not an employers reference.

Original poster
awesmum · 08/10/2018 17:21

@MamaJune employed. Well was because I am not going back.

I seriously have painted myself into a corner haven't i! No reference for work, no reference for a house, now no income, can't get him out the house. I think the word I am looking for is 'fucked'!

He's not even contributing to the household expenses!

What the hell was i thinking!

Going to seek legal advice tomorrow how to get him out of the house, will change the locks and get him removed from the tenancy if I can get him out. It's my only option at the moment, I just hope he doesn't realise it himself or he will use it against me.

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 08/10/2018 23:06

Ask the bank for a reference ? Or your letting agency/land lord ?

Original poster
awesmum · 09/10/2018 13:23

I have had this text from STBXH

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce
OP posts:
Original poster
awesmum · 09/10/2018 13:24

I am actually lost for words Hmm

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2018 13:42

I don't even understand what he means... Confused how tiresome.

Original poster
awesmum · 09/10/2018 13:46

He wants to see the house I have seen, who it's agent is and view it I assume?
He makes everything so hard!

OP posts:
whydoistayupsolate · 09/10/2018 14:34

Errr why?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2018 14:37

WHY??? Just ignore it.

BrainWormsWontWin · 09/10/2018 14:48

He sounds controlling, which is a type of abuse. You can get an occupation order for that. Speak to your local women's aid or the national domestic abuse helpline. You are doing brilliantly, keep going! I've been there, it's hard but worth it

ohfourfoxache · 09/10/2018 14:53

I think the word you’re looking for is “no” Thanks

Cath2907 · 09/10/2018 15:05

He is a cunt. He does not need to see the house YOU have chosen to live in.

upaladderagain · 09/10/2018 15:12

The ‘who’ seems to me to imply that he thinks there’s another man involved somewhere. Because, heaven knows, you’d never be thinking of leaving him otherwise! The arrogance of some people is breathtaking.

AdoreTheBeach · 09/10/2018 15:34

Hi OP. Reading your thoughts when you went for your run made me cry. How he has worn you down. It will be hard to strike out on your own with the children, but you can do it. How have you got on with women’s aid?

With regards to his text, can you just ignore it? Otherwise, if pushed, can simply reply that it’s nothing to do with him. Additionally, plan on dropping LO to him did visitation so he doesn’t need to ever have a reason come inside your new place (when you get it).

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