Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Wish I could answer that one for you - hopefully someone will be along soon with the answer

I am absolutely emotionally drained, my face is swollen from tears and I feel empty.
I am going to see/speak to a solicitor tomorrow to organise the legalities. I need to protect myself and the children.

The positive aspect of his behaviour is that I am becoming more and more certain that I am making the right decision. He wants what he wants but won't tell me what it is, and won't move out till i agree to what he wants.

I am struggling I admit. Everything is so hard at the moment and I am finding it hard to see the end of this hardship.

Stay in touch with Women's Aid and work on that occupation order. Once he is out of the house, your mood will lift and your mind will become clearer.

You can do this.

Hope you're OK this morning OP - don't give up now - you can do this!

Good luck today. Ask the solicitor for a realistic custody split percentage to work on. You are currently offering 28.5% so a decent start. Remember nothing should be set in stone until you have time to think.

Priorities are;
Him out the house
Money
Documents
Safety of you and the children

All else follows.

'Keep you in line'?! What a twat!

I hope he's out soon op

How's it going OP?

OP ask the solicitor if you can go for a non molestation order as well as an occupation order. That will also keep him away from you and prevent him from being able to just turn up back into the house. I had to do this with my stbxh. I also changed the locks once he was out. The relief of knowing that he can't just walk back in which he was doing regularly!
His behaviour will escalate as he tries to bring you back into line. Keep a record of everything he does with screen shots of texts and emails. I had a 40 page document of evidence to take to court.

Good luck!

@HazelBite thank you for asking, I am feeling better today. Still keep flipping back and forward with what to do next. I have an appointment tomorrow with someone though to hopefully sort out the practicalities of housing.

He's taking a different tact now of being nice, which I know is a manipulative method to think I may cave or change my mind. However I think he's informed the people who do the payroll I am no longer working there.

The whole him being in the house is still so uncomfortable.

@Daftapath I want a non molestation order, residence order and an occupation order too I think. Already thought about changing the locks, I wouldn't put it past him coming back whilst I am out.

Who are those people who have the civilised grown up break ups, where they can be friends at the end of it??

Awesmum, before I was persuaded to change the locks by family and my lawyer, I double locked the front door so that it couldn't be opened from outside and started using a side door that H didn't have a key for. I left the key in a garden door that I knew he had a key for. He tried to break in one morning thinking I wasn't home as my car wasn't on the drive. He soon stopped and legged it once he realised I was on the other side of the window watching him!

Have you resigned? If not I suggest a doctors line for stress!!!

Am feeling a little bit wobbly today, not about the relationship per say, as daft as it sounds it's about walking away from the business that I grew, it's all in his name, and it's starting to do well and I put years into it And am going to get very little out of it. So feeling pissed off about that.

Do you have proof you grew the business? Doesn't seem fair he gets to keep it all just because it's in his name.

Or do you think it will go to pot with him in charge?

@Daftapath that's awful! An ex of mine broke into my house once, he could only manage to get into the garage, but he took a pee in my children's wellingtons- the only thing in the garage.

@Antigon I am going to speak to the solicitor about it. It isn't fair as o have invested money and my time into it.

Awesmum you are doing so well - you will get through this and then you and your children can finally have the life you deserve xx

STBXH has come up with a suggestion for access to DD who is 2 years old -
2 days with Parent A
2 Days with Parent B
3 days with parent A
2 days with parent B
2 days with Parent A
3 days with parent B

And so on!
Is it me is that just shocking for her?!

I guess it depends on whether he'll behave and be nice and you can co-parent amicably. There's no reason it can't be her
'Norm' but only if both sides co-operate (and we know I'm talking about him as you're trying hard already).

I just think she'll be living out of a suitcase back and forth between us constantly.

That might work while she's little, but it sure as hell won't work when she's at school.

One of DD2's friends has parents who do genuine 50/50, but ever since she started school it's been one week with mum, one week with dad, completely predictable. There's flexibility around illness, emergency and school trips etc - but these two people are adults who co-parent amicably, recognise that getting married was a mistake and
genuinely both act in their DD's best interests. I don't see your STBXH acting with that much decency.

Hand hold OP.
Also I agree that sounds like lot of back and forth! How about 4 days with you 4 days with him?

I think that schedule is bonkers. If it’s going to be 50:50 it needs to be totally predictable for your dc with total routine, ie 1 week with each parent. Kids need routine

I may seem unreasonable here I don't agree with 50/50. He's going to have her at work as opposed to me at home. He's not done any of the practical stuff ever, bathing, bed times, medicine etc. He feeds her shit I have said her treats her like a grandparent should - sweets all the time, Coke, never disciplines her. He's even picked her up midway through a meal and walked off with her to feed her yogurts and sweets. I really fear it.

If he does none oft he practical stuff at present, how about starting a 50:50 schedule while you're still together? He can do half of the childcare work starting now.

I wonder how long he'll keep it up...

50/50 only works when both parties are reasonable adults and good parents, which clearly doesn't apply to you. So no, it isn't for you. It sounds like he sees her as a doll, not a person.

@pointythings - I have had a few comments about her being treated like a doll by his friends. For instance taking her out to dinner at 7pm and her being grizzly because of tiredness and him not doing anything about it as he find everything charming and that everyone else doesn't mind - which obviously they do. I had to stop him letting her run around screaming in restaurants, because other people just don't like it.

After some significant soul searching I have offered him 3 days, then me 5 then him 3 and so on. I was hopelessly confused and none of us would have been able to plan anything unless caring around a diary for her. I think that's fair baring in mind he has her the occasional day at the moment, and does none of the practicalities at all, ever.

He's still in the house, it's still massively uncomfortable. I really just want to get on with my life and I feel like I am stagnant at the moment.

No more wobbles at all. Just feeling positive about the future. All be it having to deal with him for the next 16 years and then some.