How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

What 4 years? We have never not been together since starting dating

[Creeper8]

post on wrong thread sorry!

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Arh no problem, was worried I'd not written my post very clearly :)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would contact both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women on 020 7251 6577 organisations as they could help you with the whole process of leaving.

Is the rental in joint names?

His actions towards you are deliberate in intent; this is all about power and control and he wants absolute over you. The fact too he is on the autistic spectrum (has he however, been officially diagnosed as being on the spectrum or is this something he has merely told you to keep you in line?) does not anyway give him a free pass to abuse you and in turn your DDs who are seeing all this at first hand also.

You are correct; you certainly do not want your DDs growing up thinking that abuse in a relationship is normal and for that to become their norm too. Can people like your sister further help you with the process of leaving; can she keep important paperwork safe for you?.

[Singlenotsingle]

In this situation, all you can do is say to him that you have something important to talk to him about, sit down and say it. Obviously do it at a time when the DC are out (school?). He'll be angry and upset. (Any chance you could have anyone else there with you when you do it?). You can't put it off forever!

[Inexperiencedchick]

If you get anxious and scared of him, it’s not good. The fact that he blames you for everything and it’s all your fault makes me realise in what kind of situation you actually are.

I recently ended things with someone I was dating 8months due to him blaming me and that all his unhappiness is my fault.

I don’t know what to advise as I have never been married. But I’m sure people here will help you get through this. Just keep posting.

Well done for starting a hobby. And so sorry you are going through this 💐

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you Atilla. The autism diagnosis is a official one, however I agree, I've put up with things I shouldn't have for a long time because of this, but it should not be a free pass - my sister said the same thing.

The rental is in joint names, and I couldn't afford it on my own. One thing he does is whenever it is clear that I am not happy he will throw out 'why are we together, do you want me to leave, I should just leave' etc and previously my anxiety has kicked in and I do whatever it takes to make him stay :( My anxiety is very high right now as I'm just waiting for that again, and I don't know how to deal with it when it does...

I just want him gone while I'm still feeling strong :( but have no idea how to actually get there....the thought of telling him to leave, to have to pack up all his stuff/sort through 'our' stuff and so on feels my with anxiety and fear... I just wish I could wake up on the other side of it all.

What important paperwork should I be getting copies of? My sister would help me store them, yes.

Just feel adrift at sea at the moment, with no idea of how to get to land.

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you for all the replies already - it helps so much knowing that I'm not alone and that I have support.

Singlenotsingle after sitting him down and just telling him though, then what do I do? Where do I go from there?

Sorry I know how pathetic this is, not knowing how to end a relationship

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do call the organisations I have suggested.

Bank statements, passports, photos of the kids, birth and marriage certificates, copies of rental agreement; that sort of thing. Basically anything you have that is a document of some kind.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Can someone, say your sister or another friend, be with you when you ask him to leave?. Can your sister go with you to see some local firms of Solicitors with a view to divorce?. Are you getting any treatment currently for your anxiety from your GP; this is also preventing you from moving forward here as well. I would like to think that your anxiety levels will lessen also when you and he are fully apart from one another.

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you Atilla I'll make sure I call those numbers and get copies of documents. Luckily he scans everything in, so I can easily put them onto a usb stick or something.

I'm not getting treatment for my anxiety at the moment, as normally it's ok. It's when he throws around leaving, or gets controlling/nasty that it gets bad, and previously I've put this down to being normal. I'm also worried to go to the doctor about it as I was put on sertraline many years ago which made me very emotionally numb, and I think if I get emotionally numb right now, then I'll just loose any fight to leave :/

If he does throw out leaving again, should I just call his bluff and let him go? (he drove off last time) I always mess up and try to damage control at that point, and then he comes back and acts like a different man for a few days/weeks until it starts reverting again...

[Singlenotsingle]

OP, you just say you can remain friends (always difficult I know), you want him to see the DC and won't stand in his way; and tbh you know that he's unhappy as well so it's in everybody's best interest, including his. Maybe life will improve for both of you. You've been together a long time, so it's time to move on.

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Oh also as another point re anxiety treatment - if I went to the doctor and got medications again (apart from worrying it would numb me to all this), my husband will sometime pick up both our medications (I have a regular prescription for some stuff, as does he), and he'd notice if they were ever in there...

I also don't have my own bank account, everything is joint. If I tried to open my own bank account he'd know about it as he opens my post, and when we do credit checks to make sure they are improving from a Debt Relief Order we did a few years ago...

[DoryNow]

OP you can open a personal bank account & have the post sent to your sisters - I'm sure she wouldn't mind you using her address temporarily for all document moving forward? He has no right to open your mail.

Same with the medications - as soon as you have told him, ask your pharmacy to only give yours to you (or your sister maybe?) Go and see your GP , a small dose of regular anti anxiety med will help you through this difficult time. I'm betting your MH will mprove no end once you are out from under his bullying.

re the money, are you sure you couldn't afford to stay in the house ( if you wish?) work out your eligibility on www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see what benefits you can get on your own. Do you work?

You can so this - you sound like this is the strongest you have been for years, hold on to that feeling, you deserve more & so do your kids !

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you so much Dory That's a good idea for the bank account, though I'm not sure what good it'll do straight away, as he goes through all bank transaction to know what they are...so if I draw out a tenner etc he would want to know why.

Same with the meds, there would be hell to pay if the doctors refused to give him mine :(

If I ask him not to open my mail, he accuses me of having something to hide and tells me that I'm being weird/difficult etc as all married couples would think nothing of opening each others mail.

I'm sure my mental health will improve drastically when I'm no longer with him, I just wish I could wake up on the other side of all of this.

I do work, and have quite a well paying and lovely job, so I know I am lucky in that regards. However there is no way I could afford it on my own, the rent alone is almost my entire paycheck.

I think you are right, that some treatment for my anxiety would be helpful, as it seems to be a large block to following all this through...as as soon as he gets stroppy, moody, threatening to leave, demanded I answer his questions, then my anxiety kicks in and I resort to passifiying him so that it all goes away :(

Same with wanting to go out and see friends, do my hobby and have a social life. It seems I have to have a justifiable reason to see friends, and so I decline invitations and doing things a lot of the time as I can't go through the build up and then aftermath if I do.

Even if I go to see my mum he wants to know who is there and why they are there :( If I don't tell him, or pull him up on it, then again it is me being secretive, difficult, awkward and hiding something :(

Jesus, writing that all out makes it hit me how bad it's gotten. Day to day this has all become so normal, and I've felt that I am the bad person in the situation, like I'm unreasonable and selfish. Ugh it completely fogs your brain up day to day...

[YeTalkShiteHen]

Just wanted to pop my head up and say an autism diagnosis is never, ever a reason or an excuse for abuse. And he is an abuser, but he’s a shitebag too for hiding behind his dx to explain his awfulness.

I’m autistic, there are things I struggle with and find hard, but it’s not something that makes you abusive nor does it make you unaware of being abusive.

Echoing pp saying women’s aid and have you tried the Freedom Programme? It really helps to unravel all the stuff flying round your head in a mess.

It is like a fog, it really is. I’ve been there. But it lifts, I promise it does.

[Adora10]

He's an abuser, has FA to do with his autism, that's his get out of jail card is it; you need to leave, you have a sister who will help you do this, your children are already suffering and are growing up to be scared of men, especially their future partners, to bow down and shut up; is that really the future you want for them?

Your anxiety is caused by him, his abnormal restrictions on you, your brain is constantly telling you it's wrong but you are denying yourself the chance to be free, probably because he has conditioned you for years to believe it's ok, it really isn't OP and it's so unfair on those girls also, why do they have to be affected, they don't, and the way to ensure that is to get the fuck away from the psycho, autism my arse, he enjoys controlling you and scaring you, he's been physical in the past, just give it time, he will be physical again and imagine if it's in front of those two girls, they will be forever traumatised.

Get with your sister, she can help you out of this, it's a private let so easy enough to leave; contact Women's Aid, they can help you organise your leaving; it sounds one shit life OP, and you sound great, and strong, you only have one life, do you wanna continue letting him abuse it?

[woolduvet]

Cash back is your friend. Then pay it into your account.

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you so much.. I'm actually very emotional for all the replies... For so long I've felt selfish, nasty, like No-one would care or that they'd blame me...to have support, it gives me more strength.

I will reply properly tomorrow... Right now I've just got back from my hobby and am pretty tiered... Plus it's a lot to process and take in. However one thing is certain, I can't go on like this.... I need to escape it for me and my girls

[FunSponges]

I have aspergers and I don't open my DH's post, question his every move and try to cut him off from everyone. He's an abusive prick OP. I hope you get out.

[crappyday2018]

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that you sound lovely and you deserve to be happy. Its difficult when this is the only relationship you've known, and daunting too. You are still young though and have a long life ahead of you so you deserve to spend that time happy and content.

[HopefullyYes]

I need to escape it for me and my girls

And you can. This board is excellent for advice on what to do when it's over.

The posters that give advice are amazing and have often been through it too.

Sending you strength. You can do this.

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you all so much, seriously you have no idea how much it means to me.

My plan and steps so far are:

*book an appointment with a solicitor to go through this

• ring women's aid
  *let my mum and sister know I'm planning on leaving him (they will both be very supportive)
  
• get a copy of passports, documents etc
  *work out a budget for living on my own
  
  Does that sound about right for now? Anything else I should or should not be doing?

[ShadowHuntress]

Oh op. I hope you take some of the brilliant advice from pp and get in touch with the organisations they mention. Also, using your sisters address for a new bank account is a great idea. This man is an abuser and you are in a toxic relationship. I think you know this, and the only way forward for you and your girls is to leave the relationship. A good friend of mine was in a similar situation which she got out of recently with the help of women’s aid. They were amazing and she says she couldn’t of don’t it without them. Good luck

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Thank you all so much, it is definitely helping keep my head clear. Though this morning I struggled with my heart not wanting to believe that this is really abuse (he's on 'good behavior' at the moment, which messes with my head, but even that is not great, and is on a nice edge until I do something like tell him I'm meeting friends etc)

I've contacted a solicitor near me that offers a free 30 mins consultation, so am just waiting to hear back from them.

I've started making notes of my anxiety, and can see it spikes when I am around him, or he texts me.

I've got a doctors appointment booked to get some help with my anxiety.

I'm planning on ringing women's aid as soon as I can work up the courage, as well as telling my mum and sister. I'll also try and get copies of documents this weekend when I'm at home.

Is there anything else I can or should be doing? I don't want to loose momentum on this.

Also if anyone has any advice on how to keep strong and clear that this is not ok when he's 'being nice', that would be very helpful...as right now he's doing his nice guy routine, when that doesn't work, he'll start being all upset, crying, asking me whats wrong, do I want him to leave, he's trying very hard, he loves me etc. That will go two ways historically, I pacify him for my own sanity and he gets lovely for a few weeks while I hate myself for not ending it, or I don't and he gets very nasty and angry.

Also thought I'd mention something that's worrying me...last time we got into it and he said he'd leave, he said that he would have our eldest daughter living with him, and our youngest can live with me... He can't do that can he? The eldest is 7 and he said he'd asked her one time and she said that that would be ok - but this was when she was angry at her younger sister, so of course she would...plus who the hell asks their 7 year old that anyway??