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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 08:42

Trying to not cry in front of him... I want him gone, so why am I crying?

Also he's looking at houses near his work, so he wouldn't be able to do school runs... So guess he doesn't want to have the kids at all...

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Fannybaws52 · 22/09/2018 08:44

Let him! Look up Grey Rock and let him do his thing.

You focus on getting Diazepam for that anxiety, a solicitor to secure custody and view houses.

It's now a crime to exert coercive control so call 101 if this escalates any further.

You got this! You're almost free! Flowers

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 08:44

Calmly tell him that you're glad he is being proactive in finding somewhere else to live and that you think that's for the best because the relationship isn't working anymore.

This is your chance to speak up OP.

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 08:46

and if he is calling your bluff, then you speaking up may give him a shove in the right direction.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 08:46

Stay strong. He knows how to make your anxiety worse and will be expecting you to crumble and beg him not to leave and thus confirming his view that you are the problem. Break the cycle. Say nothing......

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 08:47

Just to share a bit of my own story. My stbxh told me numerous times he's done with me and it's over blah blah blah. What it actually means is he wants you to grovel and beg. People like your H and mine they need an audience for their histrionics so he won't leave on his own accord. You've got to move things along, please go through with it. I can't express how wonderful life is now that I don't have this needy moany dramatic person draining my energy and destroying my sanity.

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 08:48

He's doing and saying the things he knows will, from past experience, get you saying sorry. A new and stronger you is confusing him.

Hold on lass. Hold on to peaceful times with your daughters and your cat.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 08:59

Going to see my mum and sister with the kids

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 09:05

Just leaving and he tried to talk to me as I was crying... Asked if I was upset, I'm confusing him apparently... Basically spooked him that I've not begged him to stay

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 09:06

Oh now he's happy to work on it if I want.... I apparently need to decide what I want....

Wtf happened to its over

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Sicario · 22/09/2018 09:08

Hang on in there and well done on making the decision to end it. Please ring fence your money as fast as possible. Don't have your salary paid into a joint account. You can arrange this with your employer on Monday. This first stage can be a bit sticky when they realise you are not going to back down.

You can absolutely do this and the moment you are no longer living with him it will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. Sending hugs.

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 09:09

You have already decided what you want. You want out. So give him his answer. When he starts going in about trying to make it work, tell him it's too little too late. Can't flog a dead horse.

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 09:09

But you've decided you don't want to be with him any more, so just tell him.

I

Sicario · 22/09/2018 09:10

Controlling men are terrified of losing the subject of their control. Keep visualising your future without him and all the shit that comes with it. He will have chipped away at you so of course you are feeling confused and vulnerable.

Remember - you are not wrong. You are not imagining this. You deserve to be happy and not to be living in fear and control of an unreasonable abusive partner.

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 09:16

He's playing mind games. Trying to reel you back in like a fish.

You've made your decision for a life where you're not constantly terrified. Speak with your Mum and sister today.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 09:28

Oh now as I'm leaving he's being nice as pie, acting all confused and sad... It's all my fault, I need to decide what I want, he'd work on it etc

Why am I crying

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 09:31

I wished him luck house hunting as I left and told him I'm done....he still thinks it's me and he's still willing to work on it....

Going to find a house this week, open a new account and move my wages

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mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 09:33

You need to spell it out straight. Our marriage is over, I don't want to try anymore. Don't go out for day without saying it because nothing will change until you do.
You've to gather your inner strength and say it. Are you crying because you don't want to end or because you're afraid of the future or what should have been?

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 09:35

Good on you. You will not regret this.

I think you're crying because you're confused, exhausted at the constant mind games and vindictive behaviour.

To put another angle on it - tell yourself that the tears are ones of relief and happiness!

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 22/09/2018 09:39

Yep classic asshole behaviour. Leaving you now believing your the problem and that in fact your breaking up the family and him taking absolutely no responsibility at all. He is one of those men who will mope around and get everyone around him to stroke his ego and feel sorry for him because look what you have done. He is an emotionally abusive man and you need to stay strong .

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 09:42

Tears are because of frustration, relief, regret its come to this, because I feel like it's all me, just a giant mixture of stuff

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LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 09:56

Tears are normal. Crying doesn't mean you want to stay together. It means the times are hard and you're scared. The future is bright without him, once he's gone there'll be no one to make you cry anymore.

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 10:02

Embrace the tears. It's ok, you've been through a lot.

Just please, don't let him worm his way out or talk you round. He will alter his behaviour to get what he wants. So, even if he's an arse initially, he will likely turn on the tears, play the woe is me card. Try and stay utterly detached.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 10:04

You've got this 💪🏻

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 10:16

Thank you all. Atm I'm switching between feeling strong, sure and determined... To feeling awful and that I'm a bad person for breaking up the family and 'not caring'

Tears come and go in waves... Feel wrung out and my head is pounding

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