How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

I’ve re-read your whole thread & am in awe of you. I’m getting my ducks in a row & plotting and planning for January. I had a second viewing of a house yesterday and I’ve made an appointment with a mortgage advisor to see what I can & cant afford. My parents have offered to help me out which is so kind of them as they are both retired. But I think I’d struggle to rent as I have 2 dogs and 2 cats!
Also I don’t think you are liable for all the rent on your joint place. I would just pay half of everything. They can take his half out of the deposit if he gets tricky.
Good luck for the move tomorrow- keep us updated

Hi. Hope the move is going well. Thinking of you

Yes how is the new home

Thank you. All moved into the new place! My family were amazing helping me out! Now just unpacking to do!

I've asked the landlord to take all costs out of the deposit for the old place, as otherwise I was worried that they'd take what the ex owed, and I'd have to fight to get more than half of what was left after that!

The ex is being a lot more amenable and amicable at the moment, he's looking for a way that he can have the kids more, and paid me maintenance no problem. He is getting counselling though, which hopefully is helping him.

Good luck Moffa, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed and routing for you :)

I’m so pleased for you OP! Well done! How are you feeling? Do you feel lonely at all yet? I’m worried Id put the kids to bed then be mega lonely every night. I know it’s silly as I feel alone anyway really!

Anyway, well done for having the guts to change your life. Please keep posting!

Great news well done op enjoy your new home

I'd still go through CMS for maintenance as he can flip the coin and not pay.

I'd also again offer every other weekend and one day a week. If he says I can't because of your single life tell him straight it isn't for that but for you to have a relationship with your children.

As for the counselling is he really going or is it a lie. I'm cynical that way as my ex did the same.

It took him a month of being nice for the mask to slip and it was 10 x times worse than before which ended up with me phoning the police.

Please bare that in mind.

plus have you been looking for a kitten yet

Thank you all for still being here :)

I'm not feeling lonely yet Moffa, but I am keeping busy, and seeing family and friends! Plus I have my performances for the play we've been working on starting tomorrow, so I've been kept very busy!

There have been a couple of evenings when I've wanted to talk to someone, and everyone has been busy, and I've felt a bit down, but on the whole it's not been anywhere near as bad as I thought in that respect!

The ex is having them every Saturday at the moment, and is trying to sort something out to have them every other Sunday and an evening a week. So hopefully things will get better in that regards. He's also having them an extra hour on Saturdays now, and has stopped with the focus on it enabling me to 'live a single' life

Not started looking yet, still unpacking and my dog has been a bit unsettled by all the change. It is on the cards though, but probably in the new year :)

I am so so happy for you!

It sounds like a much happier life for you and your children, and he's finally gone and a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

I'm pleased to hear he's being a lot more amicable too and how he's behaving must enable the split to be a lot easier.

Here's to your lovely future!

Sounds wonderful! You are doing amazingly! It’s great to hear you aren’t feeling too lonely.

I’m looking for somewhere to rent from mid January. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve emotionally checked out but of course now H is being on his best behaviour!

Anyway, big for you! You’ve changed your life!

How’s it going OP?