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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

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LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 15:42

Just don't get sucked in to discussions of how you could make it work, how he's the best thing after sliced bread, how you are meant to be together, how you're ruining kids' lives and all that poppycock he's going to talk at you. Like a PP said, stone face, repeat 'I cannot live with you anymore', 'It isn't working for me', 'I don't love you' (even if you feel like you do). He'll try to get the blame-game going, don't rise to it. Stone face, few phrases, repeated over and over. Pretend you're made of granite. His games don't touch you anymore. You've made up your mind. You're going to be free.

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 15:51

An excellent image of a kitten playing with Christmas wrapping paper. Definitely hold onto it lass!

As for STBX, just keep focusing on the practicalities of the split. Paperwork. Finances. Possessions. This is happening and you have a new and far better life waiting for you.

Happilysinglemum · 22/09/2018 16:19

He sounds horrendous! Be on your guard, leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time, when he realises he is loosing control he is very likely to step a gear and that may be physical violence. I would suggest that before you say much more to him you speak to women’s aid or a local dv charity and get a safety plan in place, it may be that leaving while he is out and going to a refuge is a possibility. Good luck.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 17:13

Great.... He's just got home... Wish he hadn't :(

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MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 17:21

Keep thinking of the Christmas kitten and your children's faces.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 17:22

The bloody cheek... He comes in asking if I've done the weekly shop... Including his bits... Wtaf

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mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 17:44

No but here's the list if you want to do it!
What did you say?

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 18:17

He really is delusional!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 19:33

Well he's upstairs completly ignoring me right now, which is a relief... Was expecting a full blown assault on trying to get me to engage...

Atm my plan is to get through tonight and tomorrow... And carry on sorting out bank account, wages, house viewing etc monday

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timeisnotaline · 22/09/2018 19:35

Great advice from wevryone else. You need to remember when you get a little bit further that you have no responsibility to fix things for him. That’s how separated works. You have no responsibility for where he lives if he moves out and whether he has furniture etc- these are things he might come crying to you about.
Re the bank accounts it might be easier to set one up at a different bank? It might just feel safer and less anxious for you and when the statements come you know there is no chance it is your new one as it’s a different bank...

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 19:44

That's a good idea @time especially as he has me log onto my banking app for us to 'go through the finances'... I.e him check what every spend is for.

Just wish I knew what he was bloody doing... Don't know if he's going to try and ambush me and try to speak when I go to bed... Why's he suddenly ignoring me... How long will it last...

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Lyinglow50 · 22/09/2018 19:52

Good luck OP. You've got great advice and support on this thread. All I can add is that you keep picturing yourself and the kids being in your new home having a laugh and enjoying life. I did this 21 years ago and still clearly remember the joy of being in a home without him knowing he would never live with us and would never have a key.

I was so broke but I got tax credits, child allowance and we managed. Your children will thank you for leaving. Life can be so good. Good luck you can do this. If he's ever violent towards you ring the police. I mean that! If he rants & raves at you ring the police.

My ex was threatening and violent and the police told me to ring them if he was verbally aggressive.

Good luck Flowers

Lyinglow50 · 22/09/2018 19:55

Ignoring is abusive behaviour. He's also financially abusive. Stay calm and keep picturing yourself and the kids in your new home x

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 19:58

Thank you, had a bit of a wobble just now, missing his nice self, the guy I fell in love with and wishing it could go back to that... But reading your comments really helped

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mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 20:31

That nice self was a front to draw you in though

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 21:00

Only natural to miss what was.

DoryNow · 22/09/2018 21:10

If you can't get a GP appt for a while try a herbal tab called Kalms, they do a day one & a night one. They really helped me when I was having an anxious time, although obv A GP assessment would be best for the medium term.

woolduvet · 22/09/2018 21:52

Change your online banking password. If he wants you to log on again. You can say it's not working.

BlackWatchBelle · 23/09/2018 00:39

I was in an unhappy marriage. He was emotionally abusive but thankfully he was the one to call it a day. After the dust settled the mood in my house was amazing, so much calmer for me and my 2 children. I do still struggle sometimes dealing with him but the split was so worth it. He wanted a Stepford wife and it wasn't happening.

Along with your wagr move the child benefit to. Hang in there, I am cheering for you Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 23/09/2018 07:26

Sorry I didn't reply last night... I was wrung out. He did end up talking to me last night.. I got all the questions about what's gone wrong to bring it to this, the wanting to work on it again, the suggestion of couples counseling, the sadness and so on... So now I feel like the bad guy who is causing it to end. I did not back down though, and kept repeating that the relationship needs to end as neither of us are happy.

Feeling pretty awful this morning and like the big bad :(

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bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 07:46

So he talks to you and asks what gone wrong to bring it to this. Did he have any thoughts on this or was this down to you to explain thus him taking no responsibility? I would also add that never use the old ‘we’ are not happy. He probably is perfectly happy given your the problem in his eyes. The issue here is ‘your’ not happy. List out all the reasons for this and tell him.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 23/09/2018 08:02

Just to be clear I know I want to leave, and I need too.

Just hard this morning, we've got the tears, he can't loose me, it feels wrong, he'd do whatever it took to stay... So hard to keep saying its over and too late

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 23/09/2018 08:10

Funnily enough it was me who was expected to come up with where it had gone wrong... He took responsibility though, and apparently it's 'all his fault'...

Apparently separating feels wrong to him now, unlike yesterday... As apparently he didn't understand where I was coming from and feeling yesterday...

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bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 08:13

Stay strong. I would suggest a trial separation and ask him to leave to allow to both refocus. Then he can stay away permanently! As I have no doubt once he leaves your anxiety will improve and you will be happier.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 23/09/2018 08:32

All this morning is just him promising he could do better, to give it one last go... And I feel heartless saying no no no 😔 I feel like I'm being horrible for not giving him one last chance like he wants.... But I don't want to...theres no love there for me to rebuild... I want Christmas in a new place, a kitten playing in the wrapping paper, friends over which literally has never happened because he doesn't like people...

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