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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

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ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/09/2018 12:28

Always bear in mind that you don't need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. He is not on a position of authority over you. As for who your DCs will live with, courts like to maintain the status quo therefore unless he is currently a SAHD the likelihood is they'll stay with you. The courts do listen to children's wishes as to who they want to live with but don't tend to give their views much weight until they're quite a bit older as the courts appreciate children are not equipped to make those kinds of decisions at such a young age.

Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 12:38

Thank you. He is not a stay at home dad, we both work full time. I drop the kids off at school and he picks them up. He is there with them every evening though, where as I am not due to my hobby, so I'm worried that will count against me.

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DoryNow · 21/09/2018 12:44

OP your plans make perfect sense, brilliant progress.

The more you tell us of your STBEX ( soon to be ex) the more he fits in to the pattern of behaviour, classic of a controlling abuser. The "good behaviour" lulls you into a false sense of security, plays on the affection you had for him early on & skews your perception of normal, so that next time he is awful, you are caught out emotionally. They can often sense when you have had enough & are making exit plans so be careful & (although it goes against the grain of your new found assertiveness) keeping him sweet will be safer just for a short while more. That said if you at any point feel you or the DC are at risk of any violence just leave & don't go back, head straight for your sisters.

The good folks at Woman's Aid will talk you through it, advise on how to move forward & help you with practicalities as you make plans. Do ring them ASAP, maybe from your mums where you can't be overheard?

I helped a friend leave her abusive partner, WA were brilliant. One thing they advised was gradually start leaving a few things at your mums/ sisters or get them to take the odd small bag of clothes for the kids, so that if you do have to leave in a hurry ( eg just after you tell him) at least you have something to wear!

Re the kids thing , no he can't do that, or he may try. He will try all sorts of emotional blackmail, hard though it is, try & ignore it, he is trying to needle you.

Good luck you're doing so well !,

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 13:10

Thank you Dory it's so hard at times, when he is like the person I fell in love with, then I start thinking maybe it is all just me and just in my head. Obviously logically I know that's not true, but it is so hard to accept letting go at times.

I will definitely call womens aid, and hopefully have another source of strength from there. I've got plans to meet up with friends one evening next weekend and I'm already feeling sick and anxious about telling him, as I know it will result in sulking and passive aggressiveness leading up to it, and nastiness after.

I'll see if I can go and see mum sometime next week and have a talk with her. She knows somethings up, and has already said to me that she doesn't want me to stay in an unhappy marriage for the children like she did (my dad was horrendously abusive to her, and me), and that she's there to help and support me if I want to leave...so hard to get the words out to anyone though.

Again thank you for all the support and strength, I'm trying to focus on little steps instead of the overwhelming large picture, and take each one as it comes.

I really hope that it can be a fresh start for me and the kids by the new year :(

Oh another things that is bothering me, is that by leaving him I won't be around to be a buffer between him and the kids when they visit him. I feel so guilty that I will be free (relatively I guess) from him, but they won't be :(

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 13:11

Sorry for all the garbled thought that jump around - my head is such a mess, and it's helping me see things straight.

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aybeeseedee · 21/09/2018 13:20

When I was in this situation I did all of the things you are planning to do. I also looked at rental houses for me on my own and my dc. Check what benefits you might get, housing benefit etc.

Once your ducks are in a row tell him you want him to leave (or you are leaving) and put the wall up where emotions are concerned. When he's being nice just go along with it but keep the wall up and your emotions behind it. Hope that helps x

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 13:39

Thank you aybee I have looked at the entitled to website, and it seems I should be in a good position financially after leaving, the nicest thing will be not being scrutinized and having to justify every spend!

I've looked at rental houses in the area I want, and price range, and there are some good options there. It's actually a shame I can't really go further with the ones I like the look of.

Every bit of advice is helping, so thank you! I'm guessing my mum will also be very useful when she knows, as she has obviously been through this herself.

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 13:45

Really struggling today with feeling like leaving is just a nice dream, and that I'll have to face reality again. He's always told me we are meant to be together, we are soulmates (and at the start at 16 of course this felt true)... it's like I'm trying to cut off my hand, I've been with him so long.

I've ordered a necklace that someone else suggested that has the quote 'what if I fall? Oh my dear but what if you fly' as this has always spoken to me when things are bad with him....I'm so petrified of falling, but staying where I am is not an option either....before long I will have to take the leap and true to fly... it is just so hard at times, I feel selfish for putting my future and happiness before his (I always care to much about people and am too empathetic)

OP posts:
Adora10 · 21/09/2018 13:47

I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this.

Keep remembering this, unless you get rid they will.

category12 · 21/09/2018 13:59

Why not make the leap and take up a rental, then? There's no time like the present.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 16:07

@category I've got a house booked to see next week, and possibly another one, just to get a feel. Not sure if I'm trying to run before I walk though. Clueless as to what order things should be done, or need to be done :/

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 16:08

Just trying to keep the momentum while I'm feeling strong...keep thinking how nice it would be to be in my own place with my daughters by Christmas and not having to 'play happy families'....

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mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 17:01

I've read your entire thread and here's mine

Definitely do the freedom programme, I did it online and found it very helpful, I was like you, wondering was it me and trying to keep the peace and trying to stay for the sake of the children, he threatened suicide several times over the years, but hasn't threatened it once since I told him our marriage was over. I'm six months on and nothing has changed from the outside, we're still in the same house, the children are blissfully ignorant but I'm tied because we have a mortgage together on our house. Things are starting to progress a bit now though. I can't offer you much advice but a handhold and pm me if you feel like it

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 17:14

Thank you @mammy, I'll have a read through your thread, and handhold is always welcome! Just being able to write it all down and know it's not me is invaluable.

Having an anxiety attack right now as he's just text asking me if I'm planning on picking up 'supplies' for tonight (meaning condoms)... we've not been intimate for months, I explained I can't as we're not even friends....why is he doing this....why does he think I'd want to do that....

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Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 17:15

Great and now I'm getting a string of messages bombarding me with questions...how am I happy with the lack of affection and intimacy...he thinks it's a vicious circle etc...

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Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 17:24

tell him to fuck off with his intimacy demands.... focus on you Lady Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 17:33

10 messages in the last 15 mins... Tonight will be him talking and threatening to leave.... I can't deal with this

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mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 17:42

I used to get this too, you're so cold in the bedroom, that's because I can't just turn off my mind and then turn on my sex drive when you click your fingers. Love life is about love.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 17:43

Tell him you said no to intimacy and that should be enough, if he wants to leave over that that's his choice he's an adult

Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 17:44

keep your cool OP.. let him rant rave and ramble... and if he leaves.. let him.. give him no encouraging words.. you stay completely in control and watch him lose control... and please stay safe OP Flowers

mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 17:44

Women aren't lead by their d*ck their emotions and intimacy are linked

mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 17:48

Grey rock technique too op when you get a chance look it up

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 18:19

Just got in... He's being all pleasant and nicely said we need to talk... All the while trying to hide a grin... Is this all just a game to him... One he enjoys?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 18:21

let him enjoy it.. HIMSELF..

say nothing.. don't react.. don't feed his ego with this game.. ignore ignore ignore Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 18:51

He's just acting like normal since saying we need to talk when I got home.... He knows I have anxiety and this is killing me

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