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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
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Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 19:22

and that's why he has done it.. it's has unsettled you.. what you need to try to do now is ignore his ... 'need to talk' .. when he decides he wants to talk.. your busy.. go do a washing the dishes anything.. do not engage... Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 19:28

Thank you for the hand hold @gemini...hes now finished dinner and is upstairs busy with his stuff, after asking what I'm planning on doing for the evening... Feel so anxious and wrong footed... It's like it's a big game to him, yet I'm made feel so. Guilty... In the texts he's saying he can't tiptoe around me any more, he just needs to know so he can move on if needed, he's tried to make it work because he loves me, don't I care etc.... So confused now...

OP posts:
DoryNow · 21/09/2018 19:42

He's testing the waters, sweetheart. Just carry on with your usual routine, turn off your phone or mute it as much as you can.

Just keep doing the household tasks & be civil but not chatty with him.

Keep thinking about Christmas in your new place with your lovely girls, that's a do-able target.

Lots of handholds here just imagine an invisible (to Him ) line of

MN-ers standing behind you shoulder to shoulder giving him daggers, keep breathing & don't give him the satisfaction of winding you up ( even if you feel tense inside)

Madamswearsalot · 21/09/2018 19:43

You are doing so brilliantly - mentally you've taken huge strides in the last few days. Of course you'll be feeling confused now - that's how he wants it. This is the pattern.

Most importantly, keep breathing, sounds so simple but actually hard to do when your anxiety is through the roof. Keep breathing and try to imagine you and your girls in one of the houses you've looked at, enjoying your space, the freedom to come and go with out questioning, being able to spend money as you damn well please and that giant knot of anxiety gone.

Then hold your nerve tonight. If he does threaten to leave, let him. If you think you're at risk, get out or call the police and your mum and sister. Remember that in RL and here you have support.

You can do this - it won't be easy but it will be worth it. Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 19:50

Is it weird that imagining you all being behind me, lending me strength, is giving me so much strength and really helping... Seems such a silly thing to have such an impact.

I'll keep the thought of Christmas in my head, and try and stay strong. The thought of not having the black cloud in the house is so freeing. Also holding onto being able to get a cat when Iove out. Both my daughters and me would love one, but he is always telling us how disgusting they are.

Arranged to go see my mum Wednesday evening, so will hopefully have the strength to tell her then... She knows something is up.

Also have one of the houses to view Tuesday.

Trying to breathe, but I'm so so anxious, it's hard. No idea if he's going to come down and try to talk, or if I'll get to go to bed with no incident.... Or if it'll start tomorrow and me not. Rising to the bait tonight will be used against me tomorrow...

OP posts:
mammynowanauntyIRL · 21/09/2018 20:47

Wishing you super strength Star

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 20:49

Well seems like he's not going to try and have a talk with me tonight... He's carrying on completely normally and has now gone upstairs to work...

I am very unsettled and anxious (doing my best not to show it). Also kind of wished he had so that it was all over now and he was gone...

My guess is he's seeing if the threat of a talk that he know I know how it goes (why are we together, do I want him to leave etc) will cause me to change my behavior and engage with him again... He really is playing with me and testing my boundaries isn't he? If he was actually upset and hurt, he would have talked with me tonight...

OP posts:
DoryNow · 21/09/2018 21:11

OP this was shared on my Twitter earlier & it made me think of you- he has made you constantly second guess him & that is a kind of abuse in itself, a sort of brainwashing if you like.

“The true danger of coercive control is that it teaches you to control yourself. Eventually the abuser no longer even needs to abuse because you have fully internalised the abuse, abusing yourself.”

But the good thing is you recognise this hard as it is to acknowledge, it is so hard but you are coming through a real mental fog so be kind to yourself if you wobble at times, it’s entirely natural xx

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 21:17

Omg @Dory that is amazing! It puts it so perfectly. How I am, how I act, what I do, it is all done with how he will respond and be in mind. He no longer has to physically get abusive, he managed to get me to marry him even after that and be scared when he gets angry, he no longer has to get that angry and I start pacifying him at the early warning signs. I second guess myself because he has become a voice in my head, a gut feeling of anxiety when I follow my own wants, beliefs and thoughts.

I will wobbles, you're right, but I have all of you supporting me, my mum and sister supporting me, my children to do it for... I can do this... I can fly not fall

(feeling strong again now, though I'm sure another wobble will be on its way... Hopefully they get fewer)

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 21:21

how are you OP.... he sounds like such hard work... exhausting in fact.. don't give up on yourself .. you will get through these hours days and weeks Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 21:32

Thank you for asking @gemini I'm surviving... Feel wrung out. My anxiety is bouncing up and down, my brain keeps churning over things he's said and done, my plan, hopes for the future.. It's exhausting...

Dreading tomorrow with him all day...

Another thing struck me that my sister said is not normal, that I hadn't noticed until now... With my hobby (that he sulks and gets passive aggressive over) not once does he ask if I had a good time when I get in from it, nor does he tell me to enjoy myself on the way out to it... The only time he talks about it, is to know how it will affect him. You'd think if he loved me he'd be glad I was doing something I love.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 22:06

He doesn't like anything that will give you confidence.. strength.. clear thinking.. friendship... independence.. laughter... because those things expose who He is... a controlling man... a bully.. a domineering coward that can't have you thinking for yourself .. so He undermines you... insults you.. cheapens your achievements... and would never praise you ... He doesn't love you.. He controls you Flowers

Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 22:09

the quote DoryNow posted is frighteningly accurate... so very true Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 21/09/2018 23:39

So him not talking to me tonight was just a massive trap. Went up to bed to him still awake and for him to ask me if I had any response to his messages this afternoon... I told him I was not getting into a fight at 11pm...apparently this shows how little I care about the relationship.. Apparently I should have been the one to talk to him tonight.. I ignored him, so he had now told me the relationship is over. I continued to ignore him...

I'm so sick of this... It's all just twisted mind games. On the plus I've confided more in my sister tonight. Turns out she's gone through similar, and is supporting and helping me

OP posts:
mammynowanauntyIRL · 22/09/2018 00:04

Oh I swear I could actually be you OP and what previous poster wrote about coercive control is so true, I'm still pandering to H's moods etc just to make life bearable to all of us while we continue to share a home.

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 07:53

You're on the right path, just stay on it. When he's no longer there you will love life again. It's an amazing feeling!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 08:04

Thank you both... This morning is horrible... My anxiety is through the roof... I feel I'm going to throw up... He's hanging about the house upstairs doing god knows what...

OP posts:
Tatiannatomasina · 22/09/2018 08:13

Take control, go start packing him a bag, he has given you the perfect out by saying he will leave so send him on his way. Yes you might be shaking and scared, feel the fear and do it anyway, this is no way to live.

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 08:15

I tried posting this as a picture but it doesn't appear so here goes.

The best day of your life is the one in which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. The gift is yours, it is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

Did wonders for me, this quote. I don't even know who it is by.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 08:23

Thank you, that quote is wonderful! You're right, my life should be my own, I only get this one and I shouldn't be wasting it not being happy.

Unfortunately he hasn't said he'd leave... He said the relationship is over, but nothing more than that... And he's completely ignoring me this morning... Today is going to be hell, but for the first time I'm not trying to pacify him, or panicking about him leaving... I want him to go, and will be glad when it's all over

OP posts:
trevthecat · 22/09/2018 08:25

You are me, nearly 6 years ago. Keep the vision of the new life at the front of your mind at all times. He's panicking because your normal worried routine is changing. Your doing great. Please ring woman's aid. They are so supportive. And tell your mum. Is there somewhere else you and your girls could stay for a short time of a few weeks till you find somewhere?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 22/09/2018 08:33

Well apparently he's raining estate agents today to find a house to rent... Now. I feel sick and am having a big wobble

OP posts:
trevthecat · 22/09/2018 08:37

Let him. He's calling your bluff. Ask him later if he's found anything. Would be easier if he goes. You can breathe and find yourself somewhere else to go

aybeeseedee · 22/09/2018 08:38

He is playing with you. He will have no intention of ringing agents and house hunting, it's all a game to him to see if you will "behave". Carry on with your plans, regardless of what he says.

LucyMorningStar · 22/09/2018 08:42

He's just being a drama queen, throwing his toys out of the pram. Let him. Call him on his own bluff. He'll change tactics soon enough! Think of it as him making it easier for you. If he goes away then you're free. Tell him you'll help him pack!